Fringed Denim: Just Say No

Many of the items that appear on the “New In” page of the Topshop website seem to sell out within a couple of weeks: sometimes even within a couple of days. Not these ones. No, these two items first appeared several weeks ago, and, at the time of writing, were still available in almost every size. We’re going to call this a triumph of sense over fashion. Long may it continue. (Click here to make fashion triumphant once more…)

Stolen Girlfriends Club sheer organza suit pants

Shants: now part of your suit

That’s right folks, Stolen Girlfriends Club are marketing these shants as suit pants.  Would they go down well at your office?  They certainly wouldn’t at ours!  We suppose we should be grateful that a) they put the ‘hot pants’ section at the top and b) there is no matching jacket (at least as far as we know).  In fact the model’s face says it all.  “Suit pants?” she’s saying.  “Are you insane?” What do you think though?  Would these be acceptable as part of a suit to you?  We’ve thrown them in Fashion Police jail for the time being, but bail is set at £280 if you want to release them and you can do that here.

Ramzi Musa for Browns Focus leopard-print silk harem trousers

Ugly print pants by Ramzu Musa for Browns Focus

Leopard print cropped harem pants – well there are 5 words that should never appear in a sentence together.  They’re not even what we would call leopard print, they’re just a garish multicoloured mix with some random black print on them.  Apparently those random black marks are trying to pass themselves off as leopard print but the Fashion Police are not taken in by that and we are therefore arresting them for crimes against fashion. What do you think though?  Would you wear these trousers?  Would you wear this print on a different garment?  If you want to buy this particular example, bail is set at £195 and will be accepted at Browns.

Vivienne Westwood Anglomania for Lee Bondage Shorts with Removable Bum Bag

“Bondage shorts with removable bum bag”. There’s just nothing right about that sentence, is there? There’s not much right about the shorts, either: Why would you want a bag attached to your butt? It has a strap: why not use it? Where does bondage come into it? Where are the peep toe boots you’d obviously wear with these, in observance of the Peep Toe Boot Rule? Why are these cute shoes being paired with “bondage shorts with attached bum bag”. So many questions, readers. If you have answers, feel free to share them. If you just want to buy these, click here to do it.

Double the pants, double the crime

You’d think one pair of pants would be enough for everyone, wouldn’t you? Not fashion victims, though. Fashion victims require at least two pairs, as shown above: one baggy, one skinny, thus allowing them to “work” two trends at the same time. These are also able in another, more subtle, but actually more alarming, version: We don’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed that the retailer chose not to show us the side view of these trousers. You know, the one where you’d be able to see all the way up to the model’s crotch? We’re going to go with “relieved”, we think. What about you? (Click here to buy them.)

Skirts and Pants Collide at Opening Ceremony

It’s like a modesty panel for your crotch, isn’t it? And, you know, if it was a FULL skirt, it might be… no, scratch that: it wouldn’t be OK. Full-skirt or half-skirt, The Fashion Police remain firm on our original ruling: SKIRTS AND PANTS DO NOT MIX. Either wear skirts, or wear pants. Your butt does NOT need a curtain, people, we promise you: Say no to Butt Curtains! We’re begging you! These are by Opening Ceremony and will set you back $255. Click here to buy them.

Stuck Together Clothes Crimes: Kettle Black ‘His Pants’ with attached thermal leggings

You know what sucks, readers? When it’s absolutely freezing outside, but you really, really want to wear your knee-length khaki pants, and absolutely nothing else in your wardrobe will do. Seriously, what’s a girl to do? Well, D’UH! You would wear them with a pair of white thermal leggings underneath, obviously! Because that wouldn’t look odd, or detract from the appearance of the shorts AT ALL, would it? Seriously, though, in the world of the Fashion Victim, there’s only one thing better than a pair of shorts worn with thermals underneath them (Edgy! Directional! Unexpected!), and that’s a pair of shorts with thermal leggings ATTACHED to them. We couldn’t make this stuff up, could we? These are by Kettle Black…

Sonia by Sonia Rykiel dungarees at ASOS

Modelling is Hard: Sonia by Sonia Rykiel edition

This model is not happy.  Not only has she had to suffer the indignity of being forced into a pair of dungarees, but these are half denim, half silk dungarees.  The model’s face may say “You’re kidding, right?” to the front view, but wait until she catches a glimpse of the back view… You can buy these for £330 at ASOS.

Designer on a Budget: Spotty wide leg trousers

Well, would you look at that: Miu Miu include wide leg, polka dot pants in theor Resort 2011 collection, and the next thing you know, everyone’s doing them. Well, New Look and Topshop are, anyway. If Miu Miu jumped in the fire, would you jump too, guys? Huh? HUH? New Look have actually replicated the Miu Miu spot a little more little more literally than Topshop, who’ve gone for a small dot, and a wider leg, which almost leaves them looking like a maxi skirt. We’ve seen the New Look trews in store, and can confirm they’re nicer than they look in this image, although at first glance we did think, “Hey, why’ve they got pyjamas amongst the normal clothes?”,…

Questionable crotches: Miss Selfridge charcoal crochet belt trouser

Ok, just for once let’s skip over the impracticalities of a crochet belt, the thigh-widening pockets and the elasticated ankles, and cut straight to the “crotch” of the matter (*groan* – pun entirely intended!). Because we’re just wonderin’, who exactly looks at a pair of trousers like these and thinks “Oh, yeah, the ‘wet myself’ look – I’m all about that this season!” If loss of bladder control is your thing, you can pick these up from Miss Selfridge for £35.00.

Fashion Police Glossary: “Meggings” – male leggings

A couple of weeks ago, it was brought to our attention that is currently trying to encourage men to wear leggings: and no, we don’t mean “under trousers, when it’s really cold” or “under shorts, for long-distance running”, we mean every day. As fashion items. Now, in the spirit of equal opportunity, The Fashion Police would have to say we can see no reason why men shouldn’t wear leggings if they so desire. If men DO want to wear leggings, however, we think they should abide by the same basic “rule” we ask women to observe. Yes, we’re talking about the Leggings Are Not Pants rule. Guys, this applies to you, too. Please don’t wear them as pants. It’s…

A helpful fashion hint…

If it makes the totally invisible model on the website, who has no actual body, look seriously “hippy”, it’s probably not going to be the most flattering of garments on those of us with corporeal form. Want another free tip?

Palazzo pants wear or die

Wear or Die: Printed palazzo pants edition

Yes readers, it’s wear or die time again!  This week we want you to choose between two delightful pairs of patterned palazzo pants.  The rules are simple: you choose one pair to wear, or you die.  (Note: not really.) So will it be the cherry print wide legs from New Look, or the ditsy floral print from River Island (River Island loves them, but do you)?  You decide (and be sure to let us know in the comments).

Designer on a Budget: Polka dot shorts by Miu Miu and BooHoo

Polka dots are going to be big this summer. Bigger than they usually are, we mean. Polka dots tend to be one of those prints that never really go away, don’t they? This season, however, more than one big-name designer has decided to make use of them, and that means the high street has been quick to follow suit. We’ve already shown you Zara’s take on Marc Jacobs’ polka dot dress, and now here’s BooHoo’s version of Miu Miu’s (and hey, they even sound kinda similar!) polka dot shorts. One pair is £170, and the other just £6. Given that they both look a bit like something you’d wear to bed to us, we’d probably spend £6 on the BooHoo…

The fanciest tracksuit you ever did see

These are both fleece lined, and are billed as “track top” and “fleece pants” respectively. Seriously, no one’s going to tell Jeremy Scott that loungewear looks “sloppy” or “too casual”. Not when it looks like this, anyway. You have no idea how much we wish people would start actually wearing this stuff to the gym. Just imagine how much more entertaining your workout would be if there were people dressed in sequins all around you! (Click here to buy them)

Shakuhachi Day Tripper drawstring pant

Shant Spotting: Shakuhachi Day Tripper drawstring pants

Our initial thoughts upon seeing these Shakuhachi pants?  See through drawstring hammer pants.  Oh dear. A week later and we look at them again?  Yep, pretty much the same reaction.  It’s the peep toe boots rule though isn’t it?  The pants didn’t stand a chance. These pants are on pre-order and if you want to pay $220AUS for something that’s not really there (or may as well not be, for all the modesty they provide), then you can do that here.  But not if you wear anything larger than a UK12/US8 – they don’t make them any bigger than that.

camel suedette fringe leggings

Taking camel toe to the next level

So, you’ve got the black fringed leggings. You’ve worn the rainbow fringed leggings to death, and the tie-dye fringed leggings are getting baggy around the knees. Where do you go from here? Its just so obvious: you go suedette. And camel. Because the camel toe just isn’t as effective in black as it is in camel, right? Someone out there must be buying these, as Topshop keep on flogging the same dead, ummm, camel? Oh, and they’re almost sold out! Buy them here for £28.

Topshop black leather tassel side hotpants

Topshop leather shorts: Now with added sideburns

So, tassels on the side of shorts: what do you think of this look?  They are 100% leather and we can’t help but think that they would look better without the strange hair pieces that have been attached to the sides.  The tassels will certainly be noticed given their length, but will it be in a good way? What do you think readers?  Do you want such giant tassels on your shorts?  If you do, and this is the pair for you, they are £68 from Topshop.