Trousers/Pants

shapeless brown jumpsuit

Fashion Crime: Saggy Jumpsuits

Today, readers, we’re officially opening a file on shapeless jumpsuits, like the one shown above. These items are an enemy of the people. They are an enemy of style. They’re an enemy of hips, waists and legs, and this is true no matter what size your hips, waist and legs are, because we can think of no shape that would be flattered by this item. The model’s shape isn’t flattered by it, for instance, and she’s a model: imagine how the rest pf might look in it? (On second thoughts, don’t. We don’t even want to wear this in other people’s imaginations. That’s how bad it is.) We’re not saying all jumpsuits are bad. We’re not saying all clothes have…

Ugly printed trousers

Citizen’s Arrest: Aztec pants and Mohawk hat

We weren’t quite sure whether the following items were arrest-worthy, or simply due an eye-roll or two, so we asked our Facebook followers, and the answer came back loud and clear: ARREST! ARREST! You can, therefore, blame them for the fact that we’re about to show you these: £15 in the River Island sale. Why these didn’t sell out at full-price, we will never know, except we totally will. Also from River Island: Last year, as you may remember, River Island were responsible for the creation of a selection of animal hats, which everyone went crazy for. Some days we couldn’t even leave the HQ without being confronted with hordes of people, all wearing exactly the same, cutesy animal hat from River…

Uhgly high waist jumpsuit

The Wrong Trousers: Viktor and Rolf high waist jumpsuit

Is anyone seeing a pair of reeeeaaaaallly high-waisted trousers, here? Like, Simon Cowell high? Or is it just a very small model, wearing the trousers which were meant for a very tall model? Alternatively: are Viktor & Rolf just messing with us here? The $1,495 price tag on these makes us suspect the last option is the correct one. It would be awesome if there were teenytiny models and also ten feet tall ones, though, wouldn’t it? Click here to buy these at Shopbop.Don’t blame us when someone asks you if you’re wearing someone else’s trousers….

ugly harem pants by Givenchy

Harem Pants: Officially Still Ugly

Not that there was ever really any doubt about this, but just in case there was, we’d like to take this opportunity to confirm that yes, harem pants are still ugly. They didn’t get any better looking in the few weeks since we last wrote about them. More worrying still, ignoring them doesn’t seem to make them go away. We really thought it would, you know. We thought it would be one of those “trends” which wouldn’t actually exist outside the pages of the fashion magazines and the runways of a few select designers: that most people with eyes would be able to see that no good could ever come of adding a dropped crotch to a pair of pants,…

Metallic sweatpants by Vionnet

“Glam” sweatpants make a return for Autumn 2011

Well, it looks like the fashion world is trying to make “glam” sweatpants happen again. We’d like to submit the following into evidence: These are metallic sweatpants. They are £515. According to Net-a-Porter, their casual feel should be “offset with your highest heels”. Like this: Honestly, we don’t hate this. We’d rather eat feet than pay £500 for SWEATPANTS, but we can sort of see this working, if you were one of those effortlessly glamorous women: you know, the ones who actually DO roll out of bed looking beautiful, and continue to look like that, no matter what they throw on. Those women exist. They intimidate us, if we’re honest. They can wear the sweatpants with heels. The rest of us? Well,…

high waisted wool shorts by ellery

Explain these shorts

A Monday morning challenge for you, readers: imaginary donuts for the first person to give us a plausible explanation for the existence of these shorts. Under what awful set of circumstances would you need a pair of high-waited, bodycon knitted shorts, we wonder? Surely not to wear like this, with ankle boots or peep toes (Peep Toe Boot Rule! Although the shoes on the left aren’t really “boots”, are they? They’re just… well, ugly, basically.) Even assuming that you DO suddenly find yourself thinking “Gosh, I wish I had a pair of knitted shorts around about now,” why would you be paying $625 for them? (Knitters! You need to get on this! Seriously, you can make a killing here, if…

Floral wide leg pants

From the “It Could Be Curtains” Files: SUNO Flowy Wide Leg Pants

What is it with floral print, seriously? Why is it so hard for designers to use it without it looking like they pulled down an old pair of curtains, Scarlett O’Hara style, and got busy with the scissors? While we’re on the subject: what is it with wide leg pants? Is there some rule we’re not aware of stating that they MUST be made in the brightest, or most hideous print possible? Look, we’ve said nothing about the Curse of the Wide Leg Red Pants that has been sweeping the internet lately. We know most people seem to love them, even although their wearers have all blatantly been Foot-Snatched, and some look like they’re wearing stilts, too. (OK, we’re going to say…

Bright pants by J Crew

Style on Trial: Bright pants – J Crew Café Capri

If you’re not loving the current trend for bright pants, we can only hope that you’ve made arrangements to move to somewhere without internet access and/or fashion victims for the foreseeable future. These things are EVERYWHERE. Red pants, blue pants, yellow, purple and green pants. It really doesn’t matter what colour they are: what matters is that they’re BRIGHT. J Crew’s Café Capri trousers are just one example of the bright pant trend, and we think they’re a pretty good one: they’re tailored, they’re slim-cut, they hit, as the name  suggests, right at the ankle, allowing them to be worn with a great pair of shoes without hiding them. What do you think of them, though, that’s what we want to know? Do you…

Epic camel toe and moose knuckle

Last week, thanks to our readers, we learned that a male “camel toe” is called a “moose knuckle”. Today – and also thanks to our readers, because this one was reported by concerned citizen, Sarah – we found out what a really bad moose knuckle looks like: (Click here to buy it) OK, so that’s not what it actually is. But it’s what it made us think of (maybe we’ve just been spending too much time around the prisoners in the Fashion Police Jailhouse?). Why in the world would you want your dress to have an appendage? The two arms is more than enough for us, thanks, we have no need of a long trunk reaching to our ankles: and actually, now…

Capes: Coming to a pair of pants near you, soon

There’s a caped crusader in Fashionland, people, but before you start getting excited, let us just tell you that we’re pretty sure he’s using his powers for evil rather than for good. Well, it’s about time we had a new supervillain around here, wasn’t it? Especially seeing as so many of you insist that the Foot Snatcher should stay out of jail… This latest villian takes the form of a cape. It’s not just any old cape, though. It’s a cape on a pair of trousers. Why would trousers need a cape? Your guess is as good as ours. What we DO know, however, is that the combination of cape + pants doesn’t come cheap. These Hakaan ‘Papaver’ trousers (We…

Shants Alert: Mike Gonzalez ‘Barbara’ print layered pants

We thought shants were over. we thought they’d packed up and taken themselves back to whatever circle of hell they sprung from, and that all the fashionistas would be sticking their noses in the air, swishing their hair and declaring them to be “SO last season!” We were wrong. This winter sees the Return of the Shant, (Shants 2: Return of the Shant. Run, don’t walk, from your favourite fashion criminal…) as evidenced by these ‘Barbara’ pants by Mike Gonzalez. It’s nice that Mike gave these a name. It’s … weird that he looked at some 70s-print sheer pants and thought, “Barbara! I shall name them Barbara!” They don’t really look like a ‘Barbara’, do they? Barbara sounds like a…

The World’s Worst Jumpsuit: OFFICAL

Today, The Fashion Police are pleased to announce that the World’s Worst Jumpsuit has been located, and is now safely in TFP custody. This follows a long search for the sheer, animal print monstrosity, which was finally tracked down to the Louisa Via Roma website, where it had been hiding out for some time. “The general public can sleep easy tonight,” a Fashion Police spokeswoman said, “for this dangerous fashion criminal can terrorise the world no more!” Bail has been set at £3512/ $5777, payable to Louisa Via Roma. Lawyers acting for the jumpsuit say they’re hoping either Lady Gaga or Rihanna will come to its aid…

Modelling is Hard: Male Model Edition

Poor guy. No wonder he’s hiding his face, though: You’d hide your face too if you were being made to wear these: Adult diaper alert! And it looks like a pretty full one, too.. It’s not any better from the back, by the way: Sexxxaaaayyy! (Hands off girls, we seen him first…) Modelling is hard, people. Won’t someone save these poor models? [Click here to view or buy the clothes]

Fashion Crime? Christian Dior’s Coyote trousers

No, the model isn’t wearing a pair of those awful fur boots over her trousers… … the awful fur boots ARE the trousers. Or at least part of them, anyway. Well, we DID warn you that fur would be taking over the world. And hey, why buy boots at all when you can just attach fur to your trousers and have legs like a bear? We love the way this has been styled too, with the bare feet in pumps. Because sometimes your legs are really cold but your feet are really hot, aren’t they? Hey, it happens. And when it does, at least you’ll have these trousers to keep you suitably attired. And all they’ll cost you is £1,190….

When Sweatpants Go Bad

Sweatpants. God knows, they’re not the most stylish items of clothing out there, but if you want to either work out or veg out, they definitely have their place. So we have no problem with sweatpants in general, but we do have two problems with these 3.1 Phillip Lim sweatpants: 1. They’re $475. FOR SWEATPANTS. 2. They’re as ugly as all get out. Seriously, that high waist? It makes the model look deformed, no? And while we respect her valiant attempt to try to minimise the Abnormally Long Abdomen Syndrome these designer sweatpants of hers have created, by use of a sweater and jacket, the fact remains, she’s simply exchanged that particular look for Droopy Drawers Syndrome instead. And yet…

Who wears short shorts? (Of the high-waisted variety)

(H&M, £12.99) Shorts. We can’t really describe them as a “fashion trend” because, well, can YOU remember a summer without shorts? (Actually, if you live in the UK, you don’t need to answer that. We can remember summers when it snowed, so you can probably remember ones when there was absolutely no need for shorts, can’t you?) Yes, shorts pop up every summer, whether they be cut-off Daisy Dukes, tailored Bermudas or anything in between. Now that people like to wear them with tights, they also pop up in winter, too, but the shorts we’re talking about here are the 2011 summer variety, which come with high waists and very short inseams. Like these: (Short shorts by Karen Millen, £85) Now,…

Graeme Armour’s feather knee shorts

Knees. They’re the hardest area to shave, aren’t they? And if you don’t keep on top of it, just look at what happens: giant, hairy knees! And look! They even look strange from the back! Still, given that these are actually feathers, as we’re sure you deduced from the title of this post, at least they’ll come in handy for dusting the furniture. All of those knee-height coffee tables and other items? Just walk around the room and watch them get cleaner as you go! The floors, meanwhile? Well, those may be a little bit trickier, but we’re sure you’ll work it out. And just think of all the fun you’ll have sliding around the house on your knees! OK,…

Fashion Police for the Boys: Rodarte for Opening Ceremony lace suit

Lace isn’t a fabric you tend to see a lot of in menswear, but of course, there’s absolutely no reason why that should be the case. After all, we women get to wear whatever we like, so why should men be any different? Our issue here, then, isn’t with the fact that the suit is made from lace. Indeed, we’re sure there are many occasions where a lace suit is just the thing. We just can’t seem to think of any at the moment. (Feel free to suggest some, though.) No, our main concern here is that we can’t quite work out whether those pants are lined. Sometimes we think they are: Exhibit A: Lace pants, possibly lined That looks like a scarp…