Ugly pants

Camel toe, meet moose knuckle…

SUSPECT: Lumen et Umbra harem pants ARRESTED AT: BAIL SET AT: £110 Camel toe AND moose knuckle, in one garment? That’s two of the horsemen of the fashion apocalypse right there, folks. Add in the deliberately ripped knees, and we’d urge you all to set your affairs in order and go hug your families, for the end of the world is surely nigh… [Click here to buy them]

Fashion Criminal in bodystocking

Fashion Criminal Fail

Note to prospective Fashion Criminals: you put the stocking over your HEAD, not over your entire BODY. Because if you do it this way, we’ll still be able to identify your ass. No, we mean that literally: we will be able to identify your ass: Neither of us wants that now, do we? [This is by Gareth Pugh: click here to buy it.]

picnic pants

Pic Nic Pants: a picnic in your pants. Literally.

We knew their had to be a reason why people keep buying harem pants: we just didn’t expect the reason to be this. These jeans – we beg your pardon, ‘Picnic Pants’ – have been designed to allow you to quite literally eat off your own crotch. Now doesn’t that sound appealing? Need a handy visual on how that would work? Here you go: It’s what the world has been waiting for. [Source]

maison martin margiela two-tone leggings

Clever or Creepy? Maison Martin Margiela two-tone leggings

“Um, what gives, Fashion Police?” we can almost hear you thinking. “Why are you showing us someone’s legs in a pair of plain black shorts? That’s no crime of fashion!” Look again. Look closer. Look particularly closely at the wrinkles around the ankles. Realise that those aren’t “legs” you’re looking at: they’re leggings. And they’re leggings which are designed to look like legs. Yup, Maison Martin Margiela is at it again, with the whole “clothes designed to look like you’re not wearing any clothes” thing. And we’re still wondering a) WHY? and b) what on earth people who don’t have this exact shade of skin are supposed to do? It’s not really a case of “one skin tone suits all”,…

drop crotch jumpsuit

Crime of Fashion: William Okpo cut-legs jumpsuit

Note to designers: no, adding leg cutouts to a drop-crotch jumpsuit does not magically make it “sexy”. Nothing makes a drop-crotch jumpsuit “sexy”, for that matter. Actually, all it does is make this poor model even MORE likely to be picked up by The Fashion Police, and given that she was already on dangerous fashion ground with the whole “drop crotch jumpsuit” thing, well, let’s just say we would’t want to be in her shoes right now. (Actually, scratch that: we don’t mind her shoes. It’s her drop crotch jumpsuit we wouldn’t want to be in right now: or, indeed, ever…) [Click here to buy it]

See by Chloe sheer jumpsuit

Crime of Fashion: See by Chloe sheer jumpsuit

It’s a little known fact, but when the creepy twins from The Shining grew up, they became fashion models, and wore see-through dungarees for a living. True story, fashion fans. Don’t believe us? Go and watch the video of this in action over at MyHabit. We guarantee it’ll be scarier than any horror movie… [See by Chloe jumpsuit, $165, MyHabit: click here to buy it] Thanks to Gail for the report!

Topshop tropical print suit

Summer in Boca: Topshop tropical print bomber jacket and cigarette trousers

We’re getting a real “Florida pensioner on a day-trip to the casino” vibe from this little number. You, on the other hand, may well be getting an “edgy fashionista, about to be street-style snapped” one. Because, well, it’s as ugly as sin, and that gets you major points in the fashion world. (You know when people say “It’s so ugly it’s cute?” This isn’t that.) Which vibe do you get? If you fall on the side of the edgy fashionista, you can click here to buy the whole outfit for £77. If anyone needs us, we’ll be lying down in a darkened room, trying to get rid of this migraine that just hit…

ugly jumpsuit

Unflattering from every angle

Folks, do your Fashion Police a favour: always check how your outfit looks from the back before you decide to buy/wear it. And also from the front. That should go without saying. Apparently it doesn’t, though. [ASOS Revive Oversized Jumpsuit, £120: click here to buy it.]

drop-crotch shorts

Drop-crotch office wear, for desk-bound fashion criminals

You’re thinking it’s just a slightly-baggy skirt, aren’t you? Look closer: Yes, that’s the crotch you can see. At her knees. And of all the things there are to wonder about here, it’s the strange combination of office-casual and fashion criminal that really has us scratching our heads. Who would wear such a thing, we wonder? Is this what happens to edgy young fashionistas when they grow up and have to start working a desk job? Or is it just a sensible solution to the skirt that blows up in the breeze? [Osklen drop-crotch shorts, £105: click here to buy them]

bloomer playsuit

Time to put on your big girl pants

You know, there’s a girl in our neighbourhood who has this exact outfit… and she looks absolutely adorable in it. Of course, that girl is 11 months old. She’d look adorable in anything. It’s our belief that bloomer playsuits should remain the sole preserve of the baby’s and toddlers of the world, and that grown women should maybe think about putting on their big girl pants – literally – and leaving the elasticated legs of the bloomer suit to the much younger generation. But if you disagree, and think you could make this work, then more power to you: you can click here to buy it from ASOS, where it’s £45.

Jean Paul Gaultier mesh leggings

Daylight Robbery? Jean Paul Gaultier mesh leggings

We wouldn’t describe these as a crime of fashion exactly. Not exactly. OK, sure, if you wear them exactly as shown above, then you can expect to be hearing from our officers. And probably the officers of the actual police, too, because what you’re basically looking at here, fashion jurors, is a pair of footless, fishnet tights with a tatoo print on the upper part of the leg. It’s not something we’d necessarily wear ourselves, but if you wanted the look of tattooed legs, say, without the actual “getting a tatoo” bit, and if you were prepared to wear something with them to cover your crotch (for let us never forget that tights are not pants, readers), we can see how these…

sweater pants

Sweater Pants: not for shrinking violets

We just spent way too long looking at the close-up of these pants on Shopbop, in a bid to establish whether or not this model is wearing underwear. Way too long. We’re never getting that time back, people, but it’s OK: we stare at the model’s butt so you don’t have to . Conclusions: 1. Yes, she is wearing underwear. 2. Pants that prompt people to stare intently at your nether regions because they can see right through them are an automatic fashion violation in our book. You may not pass ‘Go’. You may not collect $200. Oddly, they look a little less see-through in white… Indah ‘Moreno’ sweater pants, $80.50 at Shopbop: click here to buy them.

crochet bellbottoms

Nightcap Clothing Diamond Crochet Bell Bottoms

We’d like to propose a motion that any time the words “crochet” and “bell bottom” occur in the same product description, it should be considered an automatic crime of fashion, and anyone caught committing such a crime should instantly lose their licence to wear pants. And we know what you’re thinking: that would surely lead to a whole lot of people walking around without pants. You’re right. It would. But we reckon NO PANTS would surely be preferable to these pants, by Nightcap Clothing. And until people can prove they can wear pants responsibly, well, they’ll just have to go without ’em…

Jeremy Scott fringe shorts

Fringe jean shorts: Jeremy Scott continues the bad work

There’s so much wrong with this outfit that we think we might need some extra space on our citation pads to deal with it. Seriously, these shorts would’ve been bad enough without the fringes. But they do have fringes. And they’re being worn with peep toe sneakers, which is clearly the summer-appropriate version of the peep toe boot rule: not that we’d have needed to consult any guidelines to establish whether or not this was a crime of fashion, of course – that truth is self-evident in this case. Then there’s the rest of the look: Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, hey? These are all by master fashion criminal, Jeremy Scott: click here to buy them.