Trousers/Pants

NO PANTS

The Emperor’s New Stevie J and Yoni P Sparkling Silk Burn-Out Pants

It’s been a bad day for Stevie J and Yoni P. There they were, innocently wandering around with their underwear on show, just like all the good edgy fashionistas. Next thing they know, they’re banged up inside the Fashion Police jail, suspected of being the criminal masterminds behind the “Underwear as Outerwear” movement. Officers, just to re-iterate: clothes are a GOOD thing. OK, some of them are ugly: we’ll give you that. But even ugly clothes are better than walking around in public in your undies. Yes, even if you happen to look like a model. This is a case of The Emperor’s New Pants, for sure, but it’s also a case of “people being willing to pay $425 to…

ugly trousers

Worse than harem pants?

There’s just nothing right about this picture, is there? We could stare at it all day, in fact, and we still probably wouldn’t find even one thing to like. Not the baggy crotch. Not the uncomfortably-thick looking wool flannel. Not the excessive number of pockets (seriously, who NEEDS that amount of pockets), including that strange little one over the groin area. Not the £253 price tag. Nothing. Can you see any redeeming features in these? Would you wear them? [Buy them]

Fashion Police arrest ugly jumpsuit

Y-3 create new uniform for inmates of the Fashion Police jail

If there’s one good thing we could say about this jumpsuit it would be to simply observe that at least it doesn’t get much worse than this. There’s nothing Y-3 could really do here, after all, to make this jumpsuit uglier, saggier or just plain sadder. OR IS THERE? Ah. An ugly jumpsuit AND a visible logo, to appeal to both fashion criminals AND fashion victims! Genius! It just goes to show: no matter how bad an item of bad fashion is, it always has the potential to be made even worse…

ASOS tweed boiler suit

Crime of Fashion? ASOS Tweed Boiler Jumpsuit

As a general rule of thumb, The Fashion Police believe that if an item can be described using the word “boilersuit” – and you’re not a mechanic, say, or anyone else who has an actual reason to be wearing such a thing – it’s probably a crime of fashion. This is probably a crime of fashion. As another rule of thumb, The Fashion Police believe that if you have to get completely naked every time you need to use the bathroom, it may not be a crime of fashion, but it’s definitely going to be dammed inconvenient. Also: is anyone else feeling sweaty/itchy just looking at this? No? Oh well, no all-in-one tweed boilersuits for us, then… [Buy it]

padded harem pants

Harem pants: now with extra padding

You didn’t know you needed your harem pants to be padded, did you? Well, now you do. And you know where to get them, too: at The Outnet, where you can snatch up these padded Vionnet pants for the bargain price of just £240, down from the original £600. And don’t worry: far from creating the usual, saggy-assed harem pant look we’re all familiar with, these ones are “padded throughout” for a “bold silhouette”. That doesn’t sound awkward at all! [Buy them]

leggings are not pants

Garter leggings are not pants either

You’re probably thinking this is some kind of hosiery or lingerie and that, like most forms of lingerie/hosiery, they’re designed to be worn underneath your other clothes. “Fashion Police,” you’re probably crying, “It’s not your jurisdiction! Get out of people’s lingerie drawers and let them wear what they like underneath their clothes!” Well, as much as we’d love to get out of this model’s drawers, we just can’t. Because these aren’t lingerie or hosiery. They’re leggings. Garter leggings, to be precise. And what’s the use of a garter legging, if people can’t see the garters? Exactly. We put it to you, ladies and gentlemen of the Fashion Police jury, that these leggings are designed to be worn as pants. And we’re sure…

ugly harem pants

Harem Hell: Geometric Pattern Pants by Eiarth

So, do you think she’s carrying her lunch in that, er, pouch? And would she be asked to remove her pants before she’d get through airport security, we wonder? Well, come on, she could have just about ANYTHING in there… Every time we think we’ve seen it all when it comes to ugly harem pants, some fresh hell has us reaching once again for the eyeball bleach. Today’s harem hell comes in the form of these geometric pants, which are basically a pair of fair-isle leggings with a rucksack sling between the legs. And paired with an equally ugly pair of flatforms. It’s going to be a long day, officers. Anyone want to do the first coffee run? [Product page]…

Matthew Williamson floral jumpsuit

Crime of Fashion: Matthew Williamson floral jumpsuit

Shopbop only have one of these Matthew Williamson jumpsuits left in stock. Just one. Just one, “could be made from curtains” jumpsuit. One, $1,695 floral jumpsuit. Just one. So, what are you all still doing HERE, for Gaga’s sake? Shouldn’t you all be rushing to Shopbop, to see who can claim the prize? Ready, set, GO!

American Apparel disco pants

Style Trial: American Apparel Disco pants

Fashion bloggers love them. Celebrities love them. The Fashion Police… are mostly just perplexed that we can’t seem to get through a full day without hearing someone gush about the wonder that is American Apparel’s Disco pants: glorified Spandex jeggings, right out of that final scene in Grease. What is the secret of the disco pants, jurors? Why is everyone so infatuated with them: even people who would ordinarily agree with us that leggings are not pants, and that disco pants are dangerously close to being leggings? Well, according to the style bloggers who love them (and seriously, a LOT of style bloggers love these things), the disco pants are awesome, precisely because they’re NOT like leggings. Nope, according to…

spiked leggings

Multi-dimensional leggings, for multi-dimensional fashion criminals

The website we arrested these on describes them as “multidimensional leggings“. We’d just like to know in which dimension it would seem like a good idea to wear a pair of pants with small spiked attached to them. Not one with lots of crowds, apparently. Or we’d hope not, at least. We’d also like to know if it’s the same dimension in which these would be considered “stylish”: We think it is, you know. Visit the dimension in question here.

furry leggings

Chewbacca called: he’d like his leggings back…

We’d like to think we can all agree that furry leggings fall into that category of Things That Should Not Exist. We’d like to think that. But the fact is, we never really know what you jurors will love, and what you’ll hate. So if you’ll currently looking at the images above and thinking, “Where have those furry leggings been all my life?”, the answer you’re looking for is that they’ve been at Far Fetch, and actually, they’re still there, selling for £75. Go get ’em, wookiees!

Vivienne Westwood nappy shorts

Crime of Fashion: Vivienne Westwood ‘Nappy’ Shorts

“Hey!” we thought. “How funny! From this angle, those shorts look exactly like a giant, saggy nappy*! They can’t be, though. Because Vivienne Westwood just wouldn’t expect grown adults to wear giant diapers, would she?” And actually, even Far Fetch describes them as “nappy shorts”. It may even be their official name. It’s a funny old world, isn’t it? These are down to £78 from the original £260. We’ve no idea why. And if anyone needs us, we’ll be drinking our supply of eyeball bleach in the hope that it’ll take away the pain… *”Nappy” = Britspeak for “diaper”.

ugly fashion

Let it all hang out

And to think we were worried about people wearing leggings as pants. This is a Fashion Police emergency, everyone. Please do not try to approach these items of clothing: we have reason to believe they could be dangerous… [Bernhard Willhelm top and shorts: click here to buy them at Far Fetch.]

leggings are not pants

Reminder: Leggings Are Not Pants

We’ve said it before, but the message bears repeating: LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS. We repeat: NOT PANTS. Yes, they may belong to the “pants” family, true. But they are NOT PANTS. They should not be worn as pants. It doesn’t matter how great your legs are,  or how “comfy” the leggings: THEY ARE NOT PANTS. Especially not these ones: These ones are particularly Not Pants. Not even close. Are you getting the message that LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS, folks? Good. Now let us never speak of this again. [Nasty Gal stripe mesh leggings: click here to buy them.]

not pyjamas

These are not pyjamas

They just LOOK like pyjamas. Button-up, one-piece pyjamas. The kind that force you to get totally naked if you decide you need to use the bathroom in the middle of the night. These aren’t those, though. No, they’re dungarees. £304 dungarees. For wearing in public. And for ALSO forcing you to get naked if you decide to use the bathroom. It’s a funny old world, isn’t it? Want a pair? They have quirky little cartoon ladies on them, you know! You’ll be missing out if you don’t! [Click here to buy them at Yoox.com]

deliberately creased trousers

Is anyone else itching to get the iron out right now?

Only in the world of fashion will people pay much more for a pair of pants that look like they’ve just been pulled out of the laundry pile, than they will for ones which haven’t been pre-creased. Pre-creased designer trousers: they’re the new pre-ripped jeans! Hey, while we’re on the subject of deliberately-creased clothing, does anyone remember when this is was a trend in the 80s, and people would buy shirts which were covered in lots of tiny crease marks? There was always someone whose poor mother would spend hours patiently ironing every last crease out of that thing, only to earn the enduring wrath of her offspring, who was condemned to attend the youth club disco that night in a…