Trousers/Pants

Crime of Fashion: Valentino’s wide ivory trousers

Not a skirt, not a wedding dress gone horribly, horribly wrong, not even  a pair of net curtains just like your granny used to own. No, these are trousers. Super-wide, skirt-like, curtain-like trousers. Almost transparent from the crotch down, and slashed from thigh to toe, so that your leg can peek out cheekily, they’re now only available in a UK size 10, which suggests that people have actually been buying and wearing them.  Even more worryingly, they must have been paying the full price of £498 for them. Now, why would you do that, I wonder, when you could pick up an actual pair of net curtains for just a fraction of the price? Report crimes of fashion!

Crime of Fashion: Brown patterned jumpsuit by Malene Birger

I’ve been trying in vain to imagine what kind of person would actually wear this crazy, patterned catsuit to something other than a 70s revival night, and it’s no good, I just can’t do it. Or maybe I just don’t want to. This, you see, is a combination of several of my own personal fashion pet peeves. First of all, it’s a jumpsuit. I just can’t get on with jumpsuits, and I don’t care how fashionable they be or who tells me to wear them, I just won’t do it, and you can’t make me. So there. Secondly, it’s that pattern. Brown and orange (peach?) never was my favourite combination, and adding violet and grey to the mix just doesn’t…

On Trial: Wide leg pants

No matter how hard I try and pretend it isn’t happening, there’s just no getting away from the fact that wide leg pants are going to be huge (literally) this winter. I hate them because I’m short, and they make me look even shorter, which is something I can really do without. I also think they have the power to make people look like cartoon characters, with huge legs and little bodies – and that’s not a power I want to try and mess with. What about you, though? Will you be working the wide leg look this season, or will you be keeping it skinny or straight? (If you’re a fan of the look, the trousers pictured are by…

How Not to Wear a Playsuit, by American Apparel

Indulge me for a moment here by assuming that you would actually buy a playsuit (or a pair of "jersey short-alls" as those crazy kids at American Apparel would have it) and that you would wear it. Now, I’m no expert on the whole dressing-like-a-toddler thing (actually, I kind of  am, but… you know what I mean), but I’m going to take a wild guess and say that what you probably wouldn’t do is wear your playsuit with your nekkid boobies underneath it, your nipples cunningly concealed – but only just! – by the straps of the aforementioned playsuit, "glamour model" style. Would you? No, I didn’t think so. Why, then, did American Apparel think that this would be a…

Crime of Fashion: Leggings with skirt by Martin Margiela

Our poll on leggings showed that most of you are happy enough to wear them –  but only in certain circumstances. Do those circumstances include times when the leggings in question have a skirt attached to them, though, I wonder? I”m really hoping you’ll say "no": while I will wear leggings with boots and a dress, the dress has to be a long one, with the leggings functioning more or less like tights, before I’d even consider it. These Martin Margiela leggings, though, are clearly designed to be worn on their own, with nothing to cover up your thights and butt other than that tiny little scrap of a skirt. Gulp. It’ll take a brave lady to wear these –…

On Trial: Leggings – love them or hate them?

OK. The debate on leggings has been raging for a couple of years now, with some people loving them and some people hating them, so I’m putting them up On Trial so that we can get a definitive answer. What do you think of leggings? Do you wear them? Would you wear them? Or do you think they should be consigned to fashion hell, forever. For myself, I’m on the fence on this one. I hated leggings unreservedly when they first started to make their comeback a couple of years ago. Last winter, though, I tentatively tried on a pair with a sweater dress and boots. To my surprise, I loved them. They were much more comfortable (not to mention…

Fashion Trends to Fear: Jodhpurs

Oh no. No, I don’t think I can get on board with this one at all. I mean, I used to love jodhpurs. That was back when I was twelve years old, though, and went horse riding every week, and those were modern jodhpurs – you know, the ones that are more or less like leggings? Not hugely flattering, but they did the job, and I’m guessing that, as unforgiving as all that lycra was, it’d still be more flattering than these Balenciaga jodhpurs, which are being tipped as the big thing for autumn. And OK, these Balenciaga models are rocking them for sure, but the thing about that? Well, they all look about fourteen, and probably weigh about the…

Crime of Fashion: Antik Batik’s tulle casual “trousers”

Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me. Antik Batik are describing these as "trousers". These aren’t trousers. These? Are tights. Baggy tights. Footless tights. Baggy, footless tights with ruching. And if you think the front view is bad, the back view’s even worse, no? And if you think they’re bad in nude, wait till you see the purple and black versions… (Actually, scratch that. Nude’s the worst.) Still, at least we know where Liza Minelli’s been doing her shopping.

On Trial: Harem Pants. When will the madness end?

We’ve featured harem pants here at The Fashion Police before, and have had absolutely no hesitation in branding them a crime of fashion. My take on this is that if an item of clothing gives even the vaguest suggestion that you may be wearing a nappy (or a diaper, for the benefit of the Americans amongst you) underneath it, then that item is a crime of fashion. (Unless, of course, you actually are a baby, in which case, sucks to be you, but we’ll let you off with it). Here’s the thing, though: suddenly, harem pants are everywhere. They are being sold by retailers we have come to know and love, who brazenly display them on their websites as if…

Crime of Fashion: Printed leggings

Leggings are getting out of hand. We were willing to turn a bit of a blind eye to them when they only came in shades of black or brown, and were mostly being worn in the winter, under dresses and with boots. We were even willing to pretend we hadn’t noticed their "being worn in bright, primary colours" crimes. "They’ll have their fun then they’ll clear the hell off for another fifteen years or so," we thought. "And anyway, sometimes leggings can look cute. Oh yes they can." We can ignore the leggings no longer. The leggings, you see, are getting bold – literally. They’re getting too big for their boots, hmm? They’re starting to show up in wild and…

Crime of Fashion: Topshop’s orange silk playsuit

Thanks once again to Fashion Police Officer Rowan for reporting this particular crime of fashion via our Facebook group. Now, I had almost reconciled myself to the idea of playsuits – only the short-legged ones, though, and only on other people. Preferably those under the age of four. This, however, has changed my mind, and confirmed my opinion that there must be no leniency shown to playsuits. The evidence, m’lud, is right before you, in the (baggy) shape of this orange number from Topshop . Now, this doesn’t even have anyone in it, and it looks fat – and when your clothes look a little bit bottom heavy even when they’re empty, that’s when you know you have problems, folks….

Crime of Fashion: Striped pants by M Missoni

Apologies for the lack of posts over the past few days, folks: internet problems here at Fashion Police HQ have kept us from posting, but fear not – we’ve still been out there, fighting those crimes of fashion. The most recent monstrosities to be taken into Fashion Police custody are these colourful striped pants by M Missoni, which look like they’ve just escaped from the circus, and will make anyone who attempts to wear them look like they’ve just escaped from the circus, too. Or the local lunatic asylum – you choose Scoop NYC inform us that these also come with "built in underwear". The mind boggles. They’re $395, and if you’re willing to spend that much to look like…

Crime of Fashion: Harem Pants from La Redoute

Stop! Hammer time! La Redoute say: “You’ll love the pretty loose fit created by a deep elasticated waistband accentuated by little gathers at the waist front and back.” The Fashion Police say: “Are you shitting us? These are HAMMER PANTS. HA.MMER. PANTS. And if Hammer looked like a baby with a full nappy in them, hey, guess what? We would too! We don’t want to have to speak to you about this again, La Redoute. Wait a minute, though – what’s this? My eyes! My eyes! Please, someone – show me the figure that would be flattered by these. Show me the person that wouldn’t look like a giant toddler in them, and I will show you a fortunate woman…