Trousers/Pants

Crimes of Ebay Fashion: Harem Shants by Georgio Armani

Witness above the unholy alliance of two of the biggest crimes of fashion the world has ever known, as harem pants and shants come together to create the ‘harem shant’. Cry with us as you notice the cunning way the shants have been teamed with a white thong and a pair of black hold-ups. Cringe as you realise that this is not a mannequin you’re looking at: a real person actually dressed like this and took a picture for eBay. Scratch your head as you think, "When did Georgio Armani make pants like these?" Finally, roar with laughter when we tell you that the Buy It Now price is £51 for these amazing, "worn once" pants – and that there…

What not to wear to go clubbing

I have to admit, it’s been a long time since I last saw the inside of a club, but if this is what all you crazy kids are wearing in ’em these days, I guess it’ll be an even longer time before I venture back to one. This outfit was found in eDressMe’s clubbing section : witness how the super-wide palazzo pants have the curious effect of emphasising the crotch area; wonder at the width of those hems – hell you could smuggle in all your friends for free under those things! Finally, imagine how all that material would move when you danced: never mind a wall of sound, you’d be able to create your very own wall of fabric,…

Heavy Metal Shorts – Gold diapers by any other name

When one of our loyal readers pointed out that these so-called Heavy Metal Shorts from Kamaloop.com resemble nothing so much as some bling-tastic diapers, well, we had to agree. Now, we’re all about metallics here at The Fashion Police, but a good rule of thumb is that if it looks like you could actually stick it in the over and cook with it – like tinfoil, in other words – it’s probably going to be a crime of fashion. And it goes with out saying, that if it looks like a rather full diaper, well, that’s going to be a crime of fashion too.

More shants! (Sheer pants, for the uninitiated)

You know, I’ve been having a bit of a crappy day today as I sit here at Fashion Police HQ feeling all sorry for myself in the wake of yesterday’s migraine. There is but one thing with the power to lift me from those Mean Reds, though, and that one thing is: SHANTS! Thank you, Greie, for designing this particulary chucklesome pair, and thank you Yoox, for seeing fit to dress your model in only these, a t-shirt and a pair of ballet flats, with nothing more to protect her modesty than the thin, peach coloured line that’s just about covering her bare crotch. Oh that poor girl… Well, one thing’s for sure: you’d definitely want to get yourself a…

More Hammer Pants. We mean “jodhpurs”.

OK, so they’re not quite Hammer pants, but they’re not quite "jodhpurs" either, as the description would have us believe. I mean, it would be pretty uncomfortable trying to ride with all of that excess material under your crotch, no? So, what IS all that material for, then? Would someone care to explain it to us, because this type of thing is cropping up again and again right now, and we just can’t see what the lowered crotch is good for – other than perhaps carrying stolen goods in. Also, turn to the side and you’ll look like Amazing Elongated Crotch Woman – the superhero we never wanted to be. Of course, if you really want to make your body…

Anna Sui’s Punk Leggings. Because ripping your own would be too much work.

What do you think would be the most “punk” thing to do: a) Buying a cheap pair of fishnet leggings or tights and ripping them yourself to create the desired effect. or b) Paying $63 for a designer pair of pre-ripped leggings – which, by the way, were $106 before they were reduced. I don’t know: it’s a sad, sad state of affairs when even punks aren’t what they used to be. If you’re keen to get that ripped look without the hassle, I have loads of pairs of holey old tights I can send you. Or, of course, you can pay $63 for these ones by Anna Sui. Your call.

Crime of Fashion: Peter Jensen’s cropped wool jodhpurs

OK, the jodhpur thing is getting out of hand. These ones are by Peter Jensen from Topshop, and they bring to mind an ancient fashion rule that we’ve mentioned here before, but which we obviously have to mention again, because it just doesn’t seem to be getting through. It’s this: If your clothes look fat, or "hippy" – EVEN WHEN THERE’S NO ONE WEARING THEM – they are probably a crime of fashion. See, these pants look like there’s a pair of thunder thighs in them, even although they’re empty: that’s a good sign that you’ll look like you have the thunder thighs when you put them on. They’re £65 and dry-clean only: then again, I wouldn’t imagine you’d be…

Rachel Pally’s sailor pants are one of Oprah’s favourite things, still not one of ours

When we wrote about Rachel Pally’s sailor pants yesterday a couple of you said that yes, you would wear them. Having seen this picture, though, we have to ask again: do you still love them now?! DO YOU?! Oprah certainly does: they’re one of her favourite things, apparently (thanks to Heidi for the heads up!), and she loves nothing more than to change into them after a hard day’s filming. I can see the Fashion Police are going to have to keep a close eye on Oprah if this is the kind of thing she’s advocating wearing…

Eyizera Phoenix Silk Jumpsuit at ASOS. WHY?

Looking for an outfit for the office Christmas party? Something to relax in at home? Well, whatever you do, don’t buy this, because this is a silk jumpsuit, for crying out loud. And while it’ll certainly make a good fancy dress costume, should you want to go as ABBA, I’m afraid it’s not going to be good for a whole lot else… 

Style on Trial: Rachel Pally’s wide leg sailor pants

There are wide-leg pants, and then there are really wide leg pants. These are really, really wide leg pants – culottes, almost – and they’re making me wonder what you all make of the "trousers that look like a skirt" thing? For me personally, acres of fabric swishing around my legs always makes me feel like I’m in an 18th century costume drama, so I wouldn’t wear a floor-length skirt, let alone trousers-that-look-like-a-floor-length-skirt, and the high waist will always get the thumbs down from me, no matter how many people try to tell me I’m wrong. What about you? Would you wear Rachel Pally’s knit sailor pants?

Ask the Fashion Police: Can I wear capri pants with boots?

Dear Fashion Police, I was rarely out of my black capri pants this summer, and I’m reluctant to give them up now that winter’s here. Can I wear them with boots, do you think, or is that a big fashion no-no? ~ Laura Well, Laura, it’s a difficult one. To be completely honest, I think capri pants and boots can look a little bit odd, but if you want to wear them together, I have two pieces of advice for you: 1. Narrow capri pants : the wider ones will just flap around your calves, make your legs look short, and be generally a bit strange. 2. Long boots. Make sure there’s absolutely no flesh showing between boots and pants,…

Style on Trial: Would you wear jodhpurs?

When I was a little girl, I used to do a lot of horse riding. Now, I suspect this probably doesn’t need to be said, but for the benefit of those of you who aren’t familiar with the equine world, modern riders don’t wear jodhpurs like these: they wear jodhpurs that are a lot like very thick leggings, with reinforced bits at the knee. Anyway, one year my grandparents went on holiday and came back telling me that they had found a pair of jodhpurs and had bought them for me. You can imagine my excitement … until I opened the bag and found a pair of trousers almost exactly like these (although not "sateen", obviously). To this day, we…

A Shell Suit by Any Other Name…

OK, is it just me, or is anyone else seeing a pair of shell suit pants here? Because they sure as hell look like them, don’t they? Oh sure, Dries Van Noten has cunningly named them "ankle zip pants" (because that sounds a lot better…), but everything about them screams out "shell suit" – the elasticated waist (AN ELASTICATED WAIST! Hands up if you’re under the age of 70 and you’d contemplate wearing an elasticated waist!), the crinkly, wrinkly, dare I say shell-like fabric, the… are those elasticated ankles? They are, you know. Elasticated ankles with zips on them. Now, I won’t even tolerate elastic on the ankles of my jogging pants, so there’s just no way we can ignore…

Even more unflattering pants – will the madness never end?

It’s an "Unflattering Pants" epidemic, folks. Time to batten down the hatches, lock up your nice, well-fitting pants, and pray to God that the Unflattering Pants don’t take over the world – because they’re certainly giving it their best shot. Once again, we’re indebted to Fashion Police reader Jannet, who submitted this picture. Now, I know some of you said you quite liked the low-crotched Topshop pants we featured earlier this week, but no one will ever convince me that this model doesn’t look like she’s wearing a nappy (or diaper, if you’re in the US) under these. Why else, after all, would you need such a baggy crotch area?

The most unflattering pants ever?

Wide of thigh and tapered of ankle. High of waist and pleated of front. If you were to ask me to give you my idea of the most unflattering pants in the world, I’d probably more or less describe the ones above to you, which is why I did a double-take when I saw them on the Mango website. There they were, the tapered-leg trousers that haunt my nightmares, staring me straight in the face! Where’s the Holy Water when you need it? You know, with most fashions, there’s a tiny part of me that can see why other people would like them. Take leather trousers, for instance. I wouldn’t wear them myself, but I can see why other people…

On Trial: Harem pants. Stop! Hammer time!

OK. We’ve spoken out against Harem Pants before. Some of you have even joined us in condemnation of them, thus securing their place forever in the Fashion Crime Hall of Fame. Or so I thought. Lately I keep seeing harem pants everywhere. It’s like some awful recurring nightmare, and I just can’t escape it. The ones pictured above are by Topshop, but they’re far from the only offenders. There’s only one conclusion I can come to here: people must actually be buying and – gasp! – wearing them. So, I have to know: what do you think of harem pants? Do you wear them? And if so: what do you wear them with?

Crime of Fashion: Patchwork effect trousers by Versace

Remember Louis Vuitton’s patchwork Tribute bag? Well, I think I’ve found the perfect pair of pants to go with it : witness, Versace’s patchwork casual trousers, £175 ay Yoox.com. A masterpiece in overstatement (well, they are Versace ), these will go with almost anything – or at least one part of them will, anyway. The other parts? Not so much. But on the bright side (and with these babies, every side is "the bright side"), your Halloween outfit is sorted for years to come. (You’re going as "the curtains", just in case you were wondering…)

Leather trousers: Would you?

Oh what new madness is this?! While browsing the Topshop website today I noticed that they seem to have a helluva lot of pairs of leather/PVC trousers in stock. Or more than I’m comfortable with, anyway. See, to me leather trousers are just one of those big old fashion no-nos: the kind of thing you associate with ageing rock stars and maybe Victoria Beckham from time to time. Their presence on the Topshop website, though, is a a little alarming. After all, leggings came back when we thought they’d been long since consigned to fashion hell. Is the same thing about to happen with leather trews? So, tell me: do you wear leather trousers? Would you wear them? And also:…

Crime of Fashion: Shants – sheer pants

OK, I’m calling out the sheer pants – the "shants", if you will. And yes, sure, I know Marc Jacobs was all about sheer pants in his S/S 08 collection, and you may even think that these "shants", seen on the Marc Jacobs runway, aren’t actually all that bad – as shants go, of course. But you would be wrong to think that, and here’s why… We’ve spoken out about "shants" before. We spoke about them when Liza Minelli wore them back in July and we spoke about them when Antik Batik tried to flog them over at Yoox. There is one reason, though, why this Shant Attack must be stopped, folks. It’s this: Shants for men. Give a fashion…

Crime of Fashion: Green and white horizontal stripe cycling shorts by Tim Camino

A question: do crimes of fashion matter as much, do you think, when it’s practical old sportswear we’re talking about? I mean, does it really matter what you wear to the gym? Or when you’re out running? Of course it does! Because there is cute sportswear out there! There’s even cute, comfortable, practical sportswear out there! And because there is never, ever a good time to wear fluorescent green horizontal stripes on your thighs. Not even if they’re designer stripes, by Tim Camino. Not even when they’re on sale. That is all.