Trousers/Pants

Thakoon crepe-jersey wrap pants

Stuck Together Clothes Crimes: Thakoon crepe-jersey wrap pants

“The cool girl’s alternative to leggings” say Net-a-Porter of this item.  “Stuck together crime of fashion” say Fashion Police.  For yes, this is a pair of leggings with a skirt stuck to them.  Mind you, there is no risk of these leggings being worn as pants, is there?  But look, look at what they have been styled with!  We do believe this is yet another example of the peep toe boots rule (if it has been styled with peep toe boots, it is probably a crime of fashion). But what’s that Net-A-Porter?  You want how much for this viscose-nylon blend creation?  £645 you say?  Why yes, that’s a perfectly reasonable price for a pair of leggings. What do you think…

Half skirt, half pants; half skinny, half flared: make your mind up, Kimberly Ovitz!

The title says it all here, doesn’t it? These pants really are hedging all their bets. Aiming to appeal to those who likes flares AND those who like skinnies, as well as to those who like to wear skirts and those who prefer trousers, we think they’ve ended up combining the worst of all worlds. We also think they look a bit like the kind of garment you’d see on a cartoon super-villain, complete with little “cape” at the back. We’re not quite sure what such a villain would be called – StrangePantsWoman doesn’t quite seem to cut it – or what she’d do (other than spreading fashion crimes throughout the land, obviously), but rest assured, The Fashion Police will…

Stuck-Together-Clothes-Crimes: Rodarte draped skirt pants

When an item of clothing is described as “skirt pants”, it’s a pretty good sign that, Houston, we have a problem. In this case, it’s a problem of the “whoops, my pyjamas got stuck to my skirt” kind. It’s a strange, and rare kind of problem, to be sure, and when you add it to the “OMG, I paid $3,680 to look like THIS?” problem that accompanies it, well, no wonder the wearer of this garment didn’t want to be identified. Would you want to be identified wearing a gingham skirt over floral pants? Well, good for you. Click here to buy them.

The Knee Pad Leggings

Some people spend a lot of  time on their knees. We don’t know why. We don’t really WANT to know why. Having seen these super-special Marios knee-pad leggings, though, we’re forced to conclude that they do it because they like to clean the floors with their clothes. And they need fishnet leggings with shag-pile kneepads to do it. Obviously.

Fashion Fit for a Prison Inmate: Paul & Joe Sister Playsuit

It seems wrong to describe this as a “playsuit” somehow. There’s nothing really “playful” about it, is there? It’s dull, dreary, shapeless, looks like it’s been through the wash a few dozen hundred times… in fact, rather than something you’d “play” in, it looks much more like something you’d do ten years hard labour in, which is why we’re going to adopt it as the summer uniform for the inmates of the Fashion Police jail. Suitably drab, dontcha think? Want to dress like a Fashion Jail inmate? Well, it’ll cost you £149, but be our guests (literally, if you wish: our jail doors are always open!) and click here to buy it.

Legs like tree trunks: Roberto Cavalli’s Palm Print silk pants

We’ve heard of camouflage, but if you’re wearing silk in the rainforest, we imagine snipers are the least of your worries… Though in fairness, if you’re dressed in these astonishing palm pants by Cavalli there’s a good chance The Fashion Police have sent the special ops unit after you! We’re not sure what we like best least about these pants. Whether it’s the nauseating green hue, the tassled tie that falls oh-so-suggestively at crotch-level, or the leaf fronds around the waist, perfect for drawing attention to the afore-mentioned tassles… Or, perhaps the fact that it comes with – drumroll please – a matching top!

Totally inexplicable shorts by Comme des Garcons

OK, we’ll buy an imaginary cookie for the first person to give us a plausible-sounding scenario in which it would be appropriate to wear these shorts. And we’re not accepting “in the bedroom” as an answer either, because seriously: who would find this sexy? Anyone? Bonus cookie for anyone who can convince us they’re worth £298. Have at it, readers: enlighten us! (Click here to buy them)

Willow sarong shorts: for the ‘full diaper’ look

There’s not much we can say about the phenomenon that is the “full diaper” look that we haven’t already said, other than that: 1) It’s still going on. How is this possible? Seriously, who’s buying these things and convincing the designers responsible that taking the Dress Like a Toddler trend to the extreme is a good idea? Is it you? Do you know what you’ve unleashed upon the world, if so? 2) It’s even worse on shorts, isn’t it? 3) $345 to look like this. Amazing. (Click here to buy them)

Lipsy’s 70s style jumpsuit: a deliberate wardrobe malfunction

It’s not a dress, it’s a jumpsuit. That means there can be no excuses along the lines of, “Oh, but you could wear it over the top of something else!” (We guess you could wear leggings underneath it, but that wouldn’t look a whole lot better, would it?) We just have to accept that this was designed to be worn exactly as it’s shown: looking a bit like one of those “whoops, I forgot the bottom half of my outfit!” nightmares we’re always having. The vast number of clothes available right now with totally transparent bottoms, however, convinces us that either most people have far better legs than us, and are really, really keen to show them off… or no one is actually going…

Tie dye fringe leggings from Topshop: title says it all

Sometimes you can tell without even looking at an item that it’s going to be a Crime of Fashion. This is one of those cases. Well, when you see the words “tie dye” AND “fringed” in the same product description, you know it’s probably not going to be good, hmm? What were Topshop thinking with this one, we wonder? Was the tie-dye not enough? Did they really have to think, “Hey, guys, let’s add a ‘hairy leg’ effect to this bad boy!” Apparently they did. The result is tie dye legs that look like they’ve been allowed to go “au natural” for years, and then been the victims of some creative shaving. If all of that looks and sounds good…

Strange Shorts: Comme des Garcons ‘brain’ shorts

Remember the Comme des Garcons brain jacket we arrested last month? Here are the shorts to match, so you can wear an inflatable brain on your crotch, as well as on your torso. Yes, they’re shorts, not a skirt. Comfortable looking, no? Could someone please, PLEASE wear these two items together? It would make our day. (Lady Gaga? Amber Rose? Rihanna? Someone has to be willing to do this, surely?) [Click here to buy it]

Long torso? No problem…

At last! A pair of trousers for those of us with freakishly long torsos! Or groins, rather. Well, people with very long groins need to buy clothes too, you know: thank goodness there’s someone there to provide for them! OK, we jest, it’s not a pair of trousers. It’s a jumpsuit. That only makes it marginally better, though. Look:

Tall and All hot pink PVC pants

Tall and All PVC pants: Pink edition

Hot pink PVC pants anyone?  Anyone?  No takers?  We can’t say we’re really surprised but if you fancied dressing up as Barbie this Halloween, perhaps we can point you in the direction of these pants from Tall and All.  Probably best worn with sunglasses so as not to blind yourself, these could be just the job for a Barbie costume.  They are not being sold as eighties fancy dress, however.  No, these are in the PVC section of the Tall and All website.  Yes there is a PVC section.  Sadly there isn’t a pink PVC top to complete the ensemble, but if you want these trousers to start your costume off, you can buy them here for £40.

Thakoon’s Short Layered Leggings a.k.a. ‘Trousers stuck to socks’

We have no idea why Shopbop have chosen to describe this garment as “leggings”. There are no “leggings” in this picture, is there? Nope, this is a straightforward case of “black pants with socks sewn over the top of them.” But when have you ever pulled on a pair of black trousers- the type you’d wear to the office, say – and thought. “Gosh, I wish I could fit a pair of thigh-high socks on over the top of these! If only someone would make such a look possible!” Our only conclusion is that Shopbop’s copywriters looked at the photos, did a double take, and then thought, “Hell, let’s just call ’em leggings. Maybe no one will notice.” Of course, if…