Trousers/Pants

Not In Our Gym: Jeremy Scott for Adidas fringed boxing shorts

And the prize for strangest use of Photoshop 2011 goes to… Is it just us, or does that waist (or what there is of it) look like it can’t possibly belong to those legs? Or maybe that’s the point, actually: wear these gigantic, cartoon shorts, and at least your legs will look slimmer in comparison! You’ll be working out in the Fashion Police jail, of course, and all the other inmates will be laughing at you, but still: skinny legs! Or perhaps you can think of another reason to wear these? If you can, they’re £107 and you can click here to buy them.

Another unfortunate shredding incident at Maison Martin Margiela

Poor Maison Martin Margiela. Their trousers just can’t seem to catch a break right now, can they? First there was that mysterious “one leg caught in the shredder” incident, and now THIS. Was the same shredder responsible for both incidents, we wonder? Are we dealing with a SERIAL shredder here – and one which has made MMM its main target? The Fashion Police are investigating. If you’d like to review the evidence, meanwhile – or just to buy the trousers – you can click here to do so.

JNBY carrot leg dungarees

JNBY make carrot leg dungarees: Fashion Police despair

Want to look pregnant and like you’re wearing a diaper at the same time?  Well this garment achieves that in one fell swoop!  Not to mention the leg-shortening qualities of that drop crotch and cropped skinny carrot legs.  Dungarees are not a flattering garment at the best of times, but this could just be the most unflattering pair we have ever come across.  Or do you know different?  Is there a worse pair out there or do you think that this pair is actually not that bad? How much would you give JNBY in return for these?  £270 sound a fair price to you?  If it does, and you like this look, you can buy the dungarees at ASOS.

Trousers meet shredder, hilarity ensues

It sounds like the plot of a bad comedy movie, but nope, it’s just those jolly japesters at Maison Martin Margiela again, proving to us that there IS a way to turn a classic pair of black pants into a slapstick-style prop, and they have found it. These trousers are only for those of you who like a LOT of attention, and are prepared to spend the entire time you’re wearing them answering questions about what happened to your pants, and turning down offers of assistance. If that sounds like your idea of a good time, just click here to buy these for £298.

Stone Cold Fox lace jagger bells

Shant Alert: Stone Cold Fox lace bell bottoms

Sometimes a product is so aptly named that we don’t need to say much else about it.  In this case, “Stone Cold” is appropriate because that is exactly what you will be if you wear these trousers (though they’re shants really, aren’t they?).  They are unlined so we can only assume that those are the model’s pants you can see.  Modelling is hard, people. Also: one size fits all?  Really Stone Cold Fox?  One size will fit a size 6 and a 14?  We don’t believe you. If you have $330 and you want to spend it on a pair of sheer lace pants, then be our guest.

Louise Gray hand silk screened devore drape trousers

Louise Gray hand silk screened devore drape trousers

Louise Gray, you can give your trousers as much of a mouthful of a name as you like, but to us, they are still going to look like they lost a fight with the tumble dryer.  Contrast textile detailing with frayed edges you say?  We say dryer lint.  These pant just look a mess, and ASOS are asking £496 for them.  That’s the good news though.  They were asking £620. What do you think though?  Ultra stylish pants or tatty mess?  If you want them, they can be yours from ASOS.

3.1 Philip Lim cropped wide leg fringe trousers

Chopped off pyjama pants by 3.1 Philip Lim

So you’re taking a nap on the couch in your silk jacquard pyjama pants and along comes a bratty little child with a large pair of scissors and hacks a good 3 or 4 inches off the bottom, leaving all the edges frayed and the pants flood length.  And then you wake up and realise that these are not pyjama pants, they’re regular pants, and you bought them like that ridiculously short length, frayed edges and all.  And you paid $375 for them.  What were you thinking?  What do you think though, readers?  Do you agree with our assessment of these 3.1 Phillip Lim pants or do you like them?  If you do, and you want to buy them, they…

Aztec Chic: knit shorts from Topshop

Because we all know how chilly it can get in Mexico, right? But come on folks, even if it were that cold in Mexico, we still couldn’t allow these shorts to slip beneath the Fashion Police radar. Because if it were that cold, well, we’d be commenting on the fact that these leg coverings don’t actually cover the legs. They’re useless in every potential climate. There is frankly no reason whatsoever for their existence! Unless, of course, their reason for being is so that you can purchase them. Which you can do from Topshop for £45.

Miss Selfridge animal wide leg trousers

Shants: Alive and well at Miss Selfridge

We were rather hoping that the shants trend had gone off and died a horrible death, as we had not been unfortunate enough to clap eyes on any examples of it recently.  Sadly, that has not proved to be the case and Miss Selfridge are attempting to revive the look for the new season, with this rather garish pair.  They are 100% polyester so we can’t begin to imagine the static cling that will be in store for your legs if you succumb and buy a pair. What do you think?  Are leopard print shants the one thing missing from your spring wardrobe that will make all the difference next season?  If so, you can buy these here for £45.

Ugly Pants: A Fashion Police Gallery

For some reason that’s never really been clear to us, fashion designers seem to find it harder to make a decent pair of trousers than almost any other item of clothing. This is why we arrest far more pairs of pants than we do skirts, dresses, or anything else you care to name. It’s also why this gallery is but a small sampling of the many pairs of hideous pants out there in the world: we just didn’t have time for them all. We hope you enjoy it anyway… (Remember, you can click on the link at the bottom of each image to be taken to the original post, which should contain product details. Bear in mind, though, that these…

Style on Trial: Haute wide leg trousers

Is it a skirt? Is it a trouser? No – well, actually, yes, it is a trouser, but cleverly designed to pool in a deceptively skirt-like manner around the feet! Kinda like the culottes that were so popular in the 80s, only longer. We can’t help but wonder about the practicality of these trousers. One of the pros of the recent trend for cigarette pants is the lack of dragging heels, of that flap of fabric that gets stuck under your every step and turns a smart pair of trousers into shabby tramp pants at an alarming rate. These might not so much flap under your heels as trip you up completely! Although, they might prove extraordinarily useful if you…

Humor jeans santiago

Humor Santiago jeans: For men who wear nappies

We are sad to report that the drop crotch trend (which refuses to die) has now spread to menswear.  Ladies, would you date a guy who looks like there’s a soggy wet nappy under his jeans?  No, us neither.  We can only assume that with a name like Humor, the brand is joking and these aren’t a real product. What?  They are real?  Kill us now. Gentlemen: you have been warned – purchase these at your dating peril.  If you must have them though, they are £75 at Unique Menswear.

DRKSHDW by Rick Owens skinny zipped-flare jeans

DRKSHDW by Rick Owens: Jeans for the indecisive

So you’re getting dressed and you can’t decide whether to wear skinny jeans or flared ones.  What to do?  It’s Rick Owens to the rescue!  In he swoops to solve your dilemma with his magical zip up jeans.  Put them on as skinnies, unzip and hey presto! Flares! We think they look a little strange either way – the ankles are bunched up when the zips are zipped, and the flare section is wrinkled and messy when the zips are unzipped. What do you think you think though?  Would you buy 2-in-1 jeans or would you rather have two separate pairs?  If you like these, you can buy them at Net-A-Porter for £355.

Juicy Couture animal print sweatpants: a new low

We think Juicy Couture have reached a new low with their velour sweatpants. We’re just really hoping there isn’t a matching hoodie to go with these, because we’re running low on eyeball bleach this week, and we don’t think our corneas could handle it. In Juicy’s defence, we’d pretty much come to terms with their non-patterned velour offerings (as loungewear, we hasten to add), as long as people try to refrain from wearing them with Ugg boots. In order to wear these, though, we feel like we’d need to dye our hair blonde, let the roots grow out for a few weeks, and then have a really orange fake tan. If you can think of another way to wear them,…

Wear or die cropped harem pants

Wear or Die: cropped harem pants edition

Yes readers, this is your chance to dress like a toddler and look like you have a huge, wet nappy on, or die. Of course you can’t really choose to die, so you must pick one or other of these delightful pairs of cropped harem pants to wear – and no covering them up with a long coat! So which will you choose – the Alice by Temperley Martha hammered silk trousers on the left (which we misread and thought were accurately named Hammer trousers when we first glanced at them), or the Vivienne Westwood Anglomania marathon jersey trousers on the right?  Take your pick and tell us in the comments.

river island grey reindeer print leggings

Dressing Like a Toddler Christmas edition: River Island grey reindeer print leggings

It is true, we would all like our legs to be considered deer-like, and it is also true that few of us are blessed with cervine pins… but the Fashion Police can unequivocally state that popping a few reindeer on your leggings is never the answer! Indeed, patterned tights like these, with their banded design, are more likely to draw attention to the bits many of us would frankly rather hide, broadening calves and thighs and drawing the eye down towards the knee region… And that’s before we’ve even touched on the fact that Christmas-themed clothes? Are pretty much always a crime! If you fancy rocking the reindeer look this winter, you can pick these leggings up at River Island…

Tall and all sheer sparkle pants

Shants for Tall People: Tall and All to the rescue!

Are you a tall girl feeling left out by the influx of shants to the fashion world?  Dying to buy a pair but can’t find any in a long enough inseam?  Well mourn no longer: Tall and All have come to your aid!  Yes, the sheer sparkle pants are available in lengths from 35” to 40” so tall girls everywhere can show off their underwear when they go out. Now of course we’re not recommending you actually buy these pants, but it’s nice to know that the option is there, should you want it.  And don’t get us started on the silver lurex that these are made of. If you are tall and desperate to wear shants, you can buy…