ugly pants

      The Ugliest Pants of 2012

      Pants. They’re one of the easiest and most comfortable items of clothing to wear, but for reasons which continue to elude us, they’re also one of the easiest items for fashion designers to completely and utterly screw up. From making them completely see-through, to adding crotches which trail along the floor as you walk, the world of ugly pants is a huge and baffling one. Our Ugly Pants file is by far the largest in the Fashion Police HQ, and today we share with you some of the highlowlights of the year just gone. For your viewing displeasure, we’ve included some shorts and jumpsuits in this selection too. You’re welcome! You’ll find the original arrest reports here, should you wish…

      drop-crotch suit

      What Not to Wear to the Office

      Grey wool trousers with a matching, fitted suit jacket sounds like a very office-appropriate kind of outfit, doesn’t it? These pants, though… don’t. In fact, these pants don’t really strike us as appropriate for ANYWHERE, really. On the plus side, at least you can leave the handbag at home and carry everything you need for the day in the crotch. OK, it’s not much of a “plus side”, to be honest. If you can think of another one, we’d love to hear it: after all, there has to be SOME reason people would pay £353 for these, surely? [Buy them]  

      unflattering pants

      When animal print and drop-crotch collide

      We’re not saying sheer, animal-print harem pants with ties at the ankles are ALWAYS crimes of fashion, but… Actually, you know what? We ARE saying that. We totally are. But of all of the sheer, animal-print harem pants in the world (and there’s a frighteningly large amount of them), we think these ones may well be the worst. As proof of this, we’d like to submit the following into evidence: Well, would YOU want your crotch area to look like this? The prosecution rests. [Buy them]

      clown pants

      Clown pants: now on sale

      OK: first person to come up with a plausible way to wear these pants without looking like a clown wins a Fashion Police cookie. We have a feeling our cookies are safe. Which is good, because, well, we kinda already ate them all… [Buy it]

      penis pants

      Do you see what we see? Marni’s genitalia pants

      Er, guys? Quick question, just to reassure ourselves we’re not seeing things: does anyone  else look at these pants and see… well, a kind of crude depiction of the male genitalia, such as you might see graffiti’d on a wall, on on a desk in a high school? If you CAN see now it now that we’ve mentioned it: do you think you’ll ever be able to UN-see it? Because we certainly can’t. Just for the benefit of those of you who CAN’T see what we’re talking about, and who are sitting there tut-tutting about “Those Fashion Police officers and their dirty minds!”, let us just quickly reassure you that we’d have arrested these even without the you know what: Great…

      shant shorts

      Crime of Fashion: The Shant Shorts

      Introducing the Shant Shorts: part shants, part shorts, they’re the perfect solution for those days – and we all have them, don’t we? – when you really want to wear a pair of tiny little hotpants, but feel that sheer, lace leggings would be a little more appropriate. Wait, what are we saying? There’s really NEVER a time when sheer leggings are appropriate, lace or otherwise, is there? And while the addition of the shorts will certainly keep you safe from the actual police, we’re afraid you’ll still have to hide from our fashion force, because we most definitely consider these to be a crime of fashion. Now, who’s with us? [Product Page]

      Leopard Papillon Utility Pants

      Crime of Fashion: Matthew Williamson Leopard Papillon Utility Pants

      It’s one of the great mysteries of the Fashion Universe: how on EARTH did these Matthew Williamson animal print pants make it to the deep-discount section of the Shopbop website, reduced from the original $660 to a mere $198. Oh no, wait: for a second there, we forgot we were speaking to our fellow Fashion Police officers, not label-hungry fashion victims. The REAL question in that case, is why do these even exist? Who would pay $198 for them, let alone $660? And why are they sold out in all but one size? (If you wear as US 6, by the way, it’s your lucky day…)

      ugly sheer pants

      Just when we thought shants couldn’t get any worse…

      …Roberto Cavalli had to go and prove us wrong. Again. We’re guessing these totally sheer pants just weren’t quite revealing enough as they were, hence the need to cut giant holes in the hips. Because who WOULDN’T want to showcase their hips like this, framed by the flimsy, animal print fabric of a pair of shants? WHO, we ask you? And to think you can have all of this for the bargain price of £304, too! Walk, don’t run, people… [Buy them]  

      ugly harem pants

      Harem Hell: Drop crotch AND VPL

      It shouldn’t really be possible to create a VPL on such a sad, saggy pair of pants, but gosh darn it, if Not Shy haven’t gone and done it! (‘Not Shy’ is the name of the brand, by the way. And it’s a good name, because you really wouldn’t want to be shy when you’re showing your underwear to the world, and strongly implying that you’re carrying something in your crotch at the same time, hey?) We know the main argument usually given in favour of harem pants (Aside from the always-entertaining “SO! EDGY!”, obviously, which is the first line of defence fashion criminals give for basically ANY ugly item of clothing…) is the same one used for Crocs and pyjamas…

      Ugly pants

      Camel toe, meet moose knuckle…

      SUSPECT: Lumen et Umbra harem pants ARRESTED AT: BAIL SET AT: £110 Camel toe AND moose knuckle, in one garment? That’s two of the horsemen of the fashion apocalypse right there, folks. Add in the deliberately ripped knees, and we’d urge you all to set your affairs in order and go hug your families, for the end of the world is surely nigh… [Click here to buy them]

      picnic pants

      Pic Nic Pants: a picnic in your pants. Literally.

      We knew their had to be a reason why people keep buying harem pants: we just didn’t expect the reason to be this. These jeans – we beg your pardon, ‘Picnic Pants’ – have been designed to allow you to quite literally eat off your own crotch. Now doesn’t that sound appealing? Need a handy visual on how that would work? Here you go: It’s what the world has been waiting for. [Source]

      crochet bellbottoms

      Nightcap Clothing Diamond Crochet Bell Bottoms

      We’d like to propose a motion that any time the words “crochet” and “bell bottom” occur in the same product description, it should be considered an automatic crime of fashion, and anyone caught committing such a crime should instantly lose their licence to wear pants. And we know what you’re thinking: that would surely lead to a whole lot of people walking around without pants. You’re right. It would. But we reckon NO PANTS would surely be preferable to these pants, by Nightcap Clothing. And until people can prove they can wear pants responsibly, well, they’ll just have to go without ’em…

      hammer pants

      Stop! Hammer Time!

      Oh, hey, has anyone seen a Delorean around here? It’s just that we’re pretty sure Hammer must be looking for his pants now that they’ve somehow made it to the future… [STOP! Click here if it’s Hammer time where you are.]

      Markus Lupfre French lace trousers

      Crime of Fashion? Markus Lupfer French lace trousers

      You know, we’ve always assumed that if people did wear lace trousers, they’d probably wear them with something more than just their knickers underneath. Like, oh we don’t know: leggings, maybe? Tights? Even cycle shorts? Apparently not, though. These are by Markus Lupfer and they’re $760. Because that’s how much it costs these days to look like you got dressed in the dark…

      Fashion Crime? Christian Dior’s Coyote trousers

      No, the model isn’t wearing a pair of those awful fur boots over her trousers… … the awful fur boots ARE the trousers. Or at least part of them, anyway. Well, we DID warn you that fur would be taking over the world. And hey, why buy boots at all when you can just attach fur to your trousers and have legs like a bear? We love the way this has been styled too, with the bare feet in pumps. Because sometimes your legs are really cold but your feet are really hot, aren’t they? Hey, it happens. And when it does, at least you’ll have these trousers to keep you suitably attired. And all they’ll cost you is £1,190….

      Lettuce trousers, to go with your lettuce top

      Remember the Maison Martin Margiela lettuce top we showed you a few weeks ago? Well, here’s the matching trousers: And now your outfit – not to mention your LIFE – is complete. Don’t you just love it when things work out? (Also available in pink and white – click here to buy them.)