Wanted! Retro style swimsuits by Jasmine Guinness. (And the weather to wear them in)

Yes we know, we know: swimwear weather’s still a long way away, but we can always pretend, can’t we? Oli’s Spring/Summer catalogue dropped through the door of Fashion Police HQ today, containing these gorgeous, retro-style swimsuits by Jasmine Guinness, in a selection of pretty prints. The one-piece made a comeback last summer, and will still be around this year. And hey, if you can’t wear these to the beach (yet), there’s always the pool at the gym*, because who says excersize has to mean a boring old black bathing suit, when it can mean pin-up girl style? * Maybe not the one with the skirt, though. That could count as overkill.

Cutaway swimsuits still around for 2008. Fashion Police despair.

I’m not quite sure what it is about cutaway swimsuits that makes them look that bit more obscene than other forms of swimwear. Technically, they cover more flesh than most bikinis do, so why is it that they always seem to make their wearers look so much more… undressed? Is it because they draw attention to the bits revealed by the "cutaway" panels – typically the love handles, which most of us aren’t all that keen on showing off? Is it just the thought of the "interesting" tan lines you’ll develop in them if you forget to top up the Factor 50 often enough. Or is it, in the case of this one by Brette Sandler because the material at…

Wanted! Retro style swimwear from Agent Provocateur

It’s no secret that I love me some Agent Provocateur – in fact, I pitched a complete fit a few months before my wedding when I bought one of their beautiful bridal corsets, only to discover that it didn’t fit under my dress. Yeah. That wasn’t a pretty scene. Anyway, I absolutely adore these retro-look bikinis they’re currently selling: sure, they’re expensive (£85 just for a bikini top) and you’d need a certain amount of attitude to pull off the "hello sailor" one on the left, but they have a certain pin-up girl look to them that really appeals to me. If only I could actually afford them…

Cheap summer essentials from Delia’s

I love Delia’s. I can’t help it: I know they’re firmly in the "cheap n’ cheerful" category, but trust me, when you get to see the sun as infrequently as I do, you really don’t want to be spending a huge amount of money on summer clothes. So far it’s been raining since forever here in the UK, and we’ve just been told that we can expect the bad weather to last – well, forever, really – so I’ve cheered myself up by doing a virtual shop. Here’s what I’d be buying from Delia’s for summer – if, of course, I could even remember what "summer" was… Product links after the jump.

Wanted! Topshop’s pretty swimsuit coverups

Orange playsuits aside, it’s not all bad news at Topshop at the moment. I’m currently coveting these bandeau style swimsuit coverups, which are £28 each and pretty enough to pass off as a dress if you want to head off to a beach side cafe for lunch. This style is available in black, purple and – my favourite – green, but there are quite a few nice styles available at the Topshop website.

Fashion Criminal: Uma Thurman and her high-waist bikini pants

I know high waists have been making a comeback recently (even although they’re against the Fashion Police’s express orders) but these ones really take the cake, don’t they? What on earth were you thinking, Uma? Where on earth did you find these? You are gorgeous. You have a great figure. You look like you stole your 80-year-old granny’s support knickers and slipped into them – why would you do it to yourself? The thing that confuses me most about this picture, though, is the shorts. She’s clearly just slipping out of a pair of shorts that she was wearing over the top of her, er, "bikini". Wasn’t the top of her pants sticking way the hell up above the waistband…

Crime of Fashion: Thong bikinis (yes, Britney Spears, we ARE talking to you…)

During that whole "everyone does surveys to find out the worst ever summer fashion crime" thing, I’m amazed that no one (And by "no one" I mean "me") thought to mention the crime that is the thong bikini. Thong bikinis are  never a good idea. Even if you have the best beach body in the world, thong bikinis still aren’t a good idea, because… well, because they show your ass. That’s just a little bit try-hard in my  book. A little bit tacky. A little bit "Britney desperately trying to make a comeback by showing off her ass in a thong." And if Britney does it? It’s almost guarenteed to be a crime of fashion. Britney didn’t just show off…

Crime of Fashion (maybe): Chloe’s dungaree swimsuit

OK, OK, I know this Chloe swimsuit really isn’t too bad at all – especially when you compare it to some of the fashion crimes we’ve seen recently – but  given my well documented irrational hatred of all things dungaree-related, I felt I had to include it here. Chloe are pretty bad on the dungaree front, I have to say. They seem to have a strange fascination with adding a pair of braces to everything imaginable , and it’s JUST. NOT. ON. So yes – while I concede that the swimsuit above isn’t nearly as bad as it could be, all things considered, it’s just the latest in a growing line of dungaree fashion crimes from Chloe, and for that…

Wanted! Spot Buckle Bandeau Bikini from ASOS

I’ve always been a little bit suspicious of badeau style bikinis. Being the clumsy oaf that I am, it seems to me that the chances of me jumping into the pool and emerging to find myself naked from the waist up are pretty good. If I was going to buy a strapless bikini, though, this is the one I’d buy: it’s cute, it’s green (my favourite colour), it has dots pn, and it looks a lot more expensive than the £20 it actually costs. Sweet. Get it here.

Two ways to look good at the beach this summer

Sadly for me, I have yet to master the art of looking good on the beach – or even looking vaguely presentable, come to think of it. No matter how hard I try, I always end up (and on some occassions, start out) looking like I’ve just got out of bed, thrown on a bikini and, without pausing to brush my hair or put on some slap, rolled in a big pile o’ sand. If only I could afford these cute swimsuit coverups. No, they won’t make me look a whole lot better, but at least they’d stop me whining, and that has to be worth something, surely… L-R Green coverup by Chio, purple dress by Cia Martina,

Woeful One-Pieces

We’ve seen the good, now here’s both the bad and the ugly: Make the ugly swimsuits go away, someone, please! I think I’d rather go nude than wear one of these…* *Note: not really In contrast here are some wonderful One-Pieces It used to be that I’d never even consider a one piece for anything other than the pool at the gym (because, clearly I GO to the pool at the gym. Oh yes.), but these little numbers are just far too cute not to buy: Betsey Johnson Polka Dot suit with belt – $156 Delia’s strawberry print one piece – $42.50 One more after the jump…