[Guest Post] Swimwear Section: Roxy Bermuda Shorts Set

[A guest post by Sian Meades…] I did a double take when I first saw this Roxy bikini in the holiday section over at Oli. The bikini top is fine. I don’t have an issue with that. But it’s the shorts that I really don’t understand. Why would you want shorts? Not just shorts, I’m fine with little hotpants as bikini bottoms. But Bermuda shorts? I wouldn’t wear boy underwear, I’m not about to start wearing boy shorts on the beach, even if they’re are pink. It just looks wrong. I don’t understand. Is everyone going to suddenly start wearing shorts like this? Would you wear these? ~ Sian

Shocking Swimwear: Tie dye one-piece by Pistol Panties

“And this is what your swimsuit will look like AFTER the vicious shark attack that leaves blood and entrails dripping down your torso!” Yes, we know it’s tie dye, and normally we’d be all over Pistol Panties for the Non-Hippie Related Use of Tie Dye, but actually, we’re much too distracted by the fact that this particular job looks more like blood n’ guts than a simple garish print, doesn’t it? On the plus side, however, just imagine the fun you could have staggering out of the water in this, yelling, “OMG! SHARK! SHARK!”  That alone might just make this worth £59 to you, and if it does, head over to Topshop and make it yours!

Swimwear Section: Red or Dead retro 50’s Style Swimsuits

As regular readers will be well aware, one thing that’s always guaranteed to put a smile on the faces of The Fashion Police is a good old-fashioned dose of retro-inspired swimwear. These 50s style suits by Red or Dead, then, are right up our boardwalk. Cut to cover much more than modern swimwear, these will be a little more forgiving to the figure, but are so cute and fun that you’d never suspect them of being anything so dull as “shapewear”. At £62, these are a little more expensive than many swimsuits we’ve seen this year, but if you think they’re worth it, you can snap them up at Oli.

PSA: Socks and swimwear should never mix

This is a Public Service Announcement brought to you by The Fashion Police. As summer approaches, we’d just like to take this opportunity to remind you that socks and swimwear DO NOT MIX. We understand that you may find it tempting to wear socks and shoes with your swimwear. Actually, no, scratch that: we DON’T understand why you’d want to do that, unless you actually are a British pensioner, and in the habit of wearing a knotted handkerchief on top of your head along with your socks/slip-ons/swimwear combo. That would explain the sock suspenders, too. In conclusion, though: socks and slip-ons are the perfect way to ruin a totally cute bathing suit. We’d like to thank Kate Sylvester’s runway model…

Primark criticised for selling padded bikinis for little girls

High street giant Primark have withdrawn a padded bikini top made for seven year old girls and up, after criticism from parents, child protection organisations and others, who claimed the item was “too sexy” and exploitative for young children. Following widespread criticism, the retailer removed the bikinis from sale, and issued a statement saying: ” “Primark has taken note of the concern this morning regarding the sale of certain bikini tops for girls, a product line that sells in relatively small quantities. The company has stopped the sale of this product line with immediate effect. Primark will donate all the profits made from this product line to a children’s charity, and apologises to customers for any offence caused.” Some photos…

Swimwear Section: Rosa Chá black and white striped one piece

For the past couple of years, one-piece swimsuits have been making some real waves in the fashion world (Get it? Swimwear, making waves? Never mind…), and this has met with the full approval of The Fashion Police, especially when the one-pieces in question look as good as this striped, strapless number by Rosa Cha. True, strapless swimwear always makes us a little nervous, but this one is super-cute, and when you’re done with the beach/pool, you can throw on some shorts or a skirt and have a cute little summer outfit, too. The downside? It’s not cheap. Get it for £255 at Net-a-Porter.

Swimwear Section: Red ruched bow swimsuit by Kelly Brook for New Look

Spring is definitely in the air, with summer right behind it, so it’s time to re-open our Swimwear Section and take a look at some of our favourite swimsuits and bikinis of the season. We’re kicking off with this little red number, which is from the Kelly Brook for New Look range, and will make you look a little bit like the chick from the Special K adverts. Maybe that’s a good thing, maybe not… We’re big fans of the Kelly Brook swimwear line, which tends to be kind to the figure. Having inspected this suit at first hand, we can also confirm that it’s much nicer in real life than it looks in this image. It’s £20, and if…

Unsolved Mysteries: Hooded swimsuit from River Island

Why does a swimsuit need a hood? No, we’re being serious: WHY DOES A SWIMSUIT NEED A HOOD? Unless you actually ARE Lady Gaga (or, OK, Rihanna), and are planning to wear your swimsuit for non-swimming related activities, WHY DOES IT NEED TO HAVE A HOOD? We’re opening a new case-file on this item, which can be found at River Island. Your input would be appreciated.

The Topless Bikini, by Victoria’s Secret: exactly what it sounds like

Over the past couple of days, The Fashion Police have received a number of reports relating to a certain “topless bikini” being sold by Victoria’s Secret for the sum of $68. Well, we sent a couple of our officers to investigate, and yes, it’s true: you can see the evidence before you. Now if, like us, one of your first instincts here was to quibble with the description of this, er, garment, as a “bikini”, let us first of all set your mind at rest on that score:

Holey Clothes: Slashed one-piece from Victoria’s Secret

Remember all of the clothes with holes we arrested last year? Well, if you thought this year would bring an end to all that nonsense, we have some bad news for you: the trend is spreading. To swimwear. Yes, you too can look like you just narrowly escaped a shark attack in this slashed one-piece from Victoria’s Secret. No wonder this model looks stunned: can you imagine what the poor girl must’ve been through?

Unsolved Mysteries: River Island sequin swimsuit

Well, you’re not going to be doing a whole lot of swimming in THIS, are you? Which makes us think that either: a) They’re lying about the “swimsuit” bit and it’s actually just a bodysuit. Which actually brings up problems all of its own, because if you wore it under trousers or a skirt, you wouldn’t actually see the detail on the bottom part. This makes us worry that it’s supposed to be worn Lady Gaga style, with nothing over the top. b) It IS a swimsuit, but it’s just for posing in. We’ve yet to see a “just for posing in” swimsuit that we didn’t consider a crime of fashion, so this concerns us too. Either way, we’re not…

What Not to Wear to the Beach: the Bow Bikini

We'd arrest this model for being an accessory to a crime of fashion, but seriously, would YOU mess with her? She's all, "SO? You wanna make something of this? You wanna comment on my BOW BIKINI? Come on, I dare yas!" And we're all, "Er, no, no my good woman. You just keep right on standing there and don't move a muscle. No, seriously, we said don't move a muscle. Because unless you've already anchored that thing with some serious tit tape, that's a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen right there." This criminal was reported to us on Friday afternoon, by Fashion Police reader Katie. Katie, we didn't get much sleep this weekend after seeing this, but thanks for the…

Strange Swimwear: Beach Couture’s double bikini bottoms

Is anyone else uncomfortably reminded of Sanna's bikini jeans, here? Or, you know, just plain uncomfortable? The top half of the bikini is obviously fine: we have no problems with it, so it appears here only as a witness in the Strange Case of the Double Bikini Bottoms. Why do they exist? Because these briefs appear to have been designed to create the appearance that either: a) you're wearing two pairs of them (WHY?) or b) you're wearing knickers underneath your bikini (again: WHY? And even if there was a reason for that, why would you want people to know about it by making the knickers visible?) We're confused. Can anyone unconfuse us? [Buy it!]

Style on Trial: Emporio Armani jersey stretch swimsuit

Well. This is certainly, um, different, isn't it? At a time when so many swimwear designers seem to be obsessed with creating vaguely obscene looking monokinis, Emporio Armani have gone in the other direction, creating a one-piece that will cover quite a lot of you up, while still leaving you with some creative tan lines. The question: is this a crime of fashion, or is it unique and fabulous? Personally, we're going to go with "crime of fashion", mostly because we can totally imagine Lady Gaga wearing it, and that's generally a good litmus test, we find. We also don't think it would be particularly practical for the pool or beach, and while we've never been of the opinion that…

Wanted! Michael Kors Skirted Swimsuit With Belt

This is another item that falls firmly into the “in our dreams” category, but if we were in the habit of splashing out £220 at a time for swimwear,this Michael Kors one-piece would be residing somewhere near the top of our shopping lists. Not to worry, though: the onepiece – and particularlt the retro-inspired onepiece – is back in a bog way this season, so we’re sure to see something similar on the high street very soon. And if money is no object, you can buy this one right now at ASOS.

Crochet Crimes: The crochet monokini

 MEMO To: The Fashion PoliceFrom: KatieSubject: Wow "Have your eye bleach ready!" *  *  * Wow, indeed. And "eye bleach". We like that. In fact, we think it should be standard issue for everyone on our fashion force. And we should say again: there's an idea that goes around that The Fashion Police hate all forms of crochet. No, no, no! We don't hate crochet at all: unless, of course, it's bright orange, and has been added to a bikini, in an apparent bid to make the wearer look like a fluorescent spider came along and spun a web between boobs and briefs while she was sunbathing. That kind of crochet, we hate.

The Fashion Police’s Top Retro Swimsuits and Bikinis

We rounded up some of our favourite retro style dresses for you last month, and now it's time for the swimwear section. Lovers of high-waisted bikini bottoms and figure-flattering one-pieces rejoice! There are lots of this kind of style around right now, and these are just a few of our favourites. We're kicking off with a one piece that's more nautical than it is retro, but it's been on our radar for a while now, so say "Hello, sailor!" to Fables by Barrie's Retro Chic Sailor Suit One Piece Swimsuit! (P.S. If you share our love of all things retro,Pretty Vintage is a great new blog on that very subject – visit it here…)

Shay Todd contrast ruffle bikini: for instant wardrobe malfunction

We had originally bypassed this bikini when we spotted it at Net-a-Porter this morinhg, thinking that although it wasn't to our taste, it was probably only a minor fashion offence, if that. Then Fashion Police reader Matthew wrote to us to point out what had been staring us in the face all along: the fact that this "ruffle bikini" is, in fact, exactly that. It's a gigantic ruffle, with no visible means of support, or, indeed, anythinhg to stop it flying up in an ocean breeze, leaving you flashing the girls to the world. And you know what? We think he's right: Going by the evidence in front of us, we'd say this is, as charged, just a giant ruffle….