Hey, Bigfoot

model with enormous shoes

All items: ASOS

Shoes just aren’t fun any more.

It’s disappointing, really. Over the course of the last year or two, we’ve watched with growing horror as the world of footwear took a turn for the ugly. We’ve traced the progress back to Jeffrey Campbell’s ubiquitous ‘Lita’ platforms. Rumour has it that at one point you weren’t actually allowed to start a fashion blog unless you were able to provide proof that you owned at least one pair of Litas, and were prepared to wear them in every single outfit photo. From there, it was just a short (albeit clumpy) step to the Birkenstocks and the other orthopaedic styles – many of which are now being worn with socks, as if that isn’t one of the biggest fashion crimes of all time. The Fashion Police weep.

No longer are shoes the finishing touch to the perfect outfit: these days shoes are an outfit all by themselves. as evidenced in the image above. This model is wearing a pair of high-waisted, high-leg shorts, which look as uncomfortable as they would be unflattering to most figures, plus an incomprehensible – actually, what even IS that? Is it a really long tunic? A slash-front dress? Whatever it is, it’s probably a crime of fashion. Not that it matters, though, because the fact is, you didn’t even notice her outfit, did you? No, you look at this photo, and all you see are the shoes. The huge, clumpy shoes.

“Look at my feet!” this outfit screams! “See how big they are! Aren’t my feet HUGE? Say my feet are huge.” And so on, and so forth. And the fact is, her feet are probably completely normally sized: her shoes are determined to convince us otherwise, though, and that seems a strange starting point for an outfit – at least to us non-fashion people. Seriously, who gets out of bed in the morning, gazes into their closet, and thinks, “My aim today is to make my feet look as massive as possible: now, how will I go about it?” Oh yeah: FASHION PEOPLE DO THAT. God help us.

As shoe loves, this is all disturbing and disappointing news. Shoes used to be so dependable, didn’t they? No matter how uninspired you were feeling, outfit-wise, or how many extra holiday pounds you were still trying to shake, shoes could be depended on to make you feel like everything was right with the world again. They always looked good, they always felt special. They were the “pick me up” purchase we’d reward ourselves with at the end of a particularly bad week/month/year.

But now they look like this. Congratulations, fashion world: you’ve managed to ruin something else…

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