Dresses

The Fashion Police love… Matalan’s Spring/Summer 2011 collection

We’re as surprised to be writing this as you possibly are to be reading it, but if you’re a fan of 50s-style florals (and yes, we know many of you aren’t, so our apologies for subjecting you to it if so…), get thee to Matalan. Yes, Matalan. For it is a veritable floral prom-dress palace at the moment, and we’ve also spotted a few other little bargains, such as the bow-front jacket and cherry-print dress pictured above. The best bit? It won’t cost you an absolute fortune, unlike some high street stores we could mention but won’t. (*Cough*Topshop*Cough*)

This Is Not a Shirt

This is a dress. Or at least, it is according to Joe’s Jeans, who’re selling it. The strangest thing about this? It’s completely sold out at Shopbop, which suggests that there could be a whole lot of women walking around right now looking like they totally forgot to put their pants on this morning. We wish we knew where they all lived: that would be a fairly amusing sight, no?

Jil Sander long strapless bubble gown

The Sack is Back: Jil Sander sack dress

 Saks would have you believe that this Jil Sander creation is a “bubble gown”.  Well we’re calling them out on that, and telling you that it’s a sack.  A dry-clean only, cotton/nylon/elastane sack, but still a sack.  Stitch up the bottom and you could carry all sorts in it. So how much are they charging for this sack dress? Does $2,675 sound reasonable to you? Reader Lindsay also spotted this at Net-a-Porter, where it is sold out(!). Who buys this stuff?  Who? Saks Fifth Avenue still have it in stock however, and will be glad to relieve you of your sense money here.

The Fashion Police love… Perfect party dresses by Suzannah

As well as arresting crimes of fashion, we also like to give credit where credit’s due, so with that in mind we figured it was our duty to draw your attention to the fabulous new dress collection by British designer Suzannah. Now, before you go getting too excited, some of these dresses are “as seen on celebrities”, so they’re not cheap (you could tell by looking at them, couldn’t you): in fact, the prices range from around £350 up (and up, and up…). In a fantasy shopping game, however, we’d definitely take one of each… To view the rest of the collection, click here.

Maison Martin Margiela asymmetric crepe and leather dress

Confused clothing: crepe and leather dress by Maison Martin Margiela

Don’t you hate it when this happens?  You get to a party and you realise that you’re wearing half your leather dress and half a crepe one.  And then you realise that you don’t own any dresses that split in half, so this must be another crime of fashion from our old friends at Maison Martin Margiela. We could probably let this go if both halves of the dress were the same length and looked like they belonged together, but as it is it just looks like someone stuck two pieces of two dresses together and called it a mess dress. What do you think though?  Would you wear this dress?  It is sold out in 3 sizes so someone…

The Emperor’s New… Maxi Dress

WHO IS BUYING THIS STUFF? WHO? And how and when are they wearing it? Can someone please reassure us this has all been some kind of elaborate joke, and there aren’t actually people walking around dressed like this? Please? (Click here to buy it | Thanks to Courtney for the report!)

Belly Buttons are the New Black

“Oh, what a shame,” you’re probably thinking. “This poor model forgot to fasten up the front of her dress! Still, at least she can just do up those buttons, and all will be well!” BUT. There aren’t actually any buttons to put into the button holes. And that zip doesn’t go all the way up. You could always wear something under it, but to do that would be to ruin the “edgy” nature of the dress, and you wouldn’t want that, would you? Basically, then, you’re stuck with flaunting your belly and breastbone every time you wear it. We wonder how long it’ll be before Keira Knightley shows up in it somewhere? (This is by Maison Martin Margiela: click here…

Alessandra Rich cape-back crepe gown

Return of the saque back: as last seen in the 18th century!

Well, they say fashion is cyclical, but even we were surprised to see the saque back gown making a come back! 250 years ago, the French saque back was all the rage in the higher echelons of European society, with reams of pleated fabric falling from the shoulders to the floor, sometimes beyond. In recent years, the closest we’ve come to replicating the look was a brief, shorter flirtation in the 60s – and, of course, the wedding train! Perhaps because we realised the enormous impracticality of dragging an excess of material around behind us… But now, thanks to Alessandra Rich, you too can save the cleaners a chore and sweep up behind you! And all for a mere £1,560!…

Designer on a Budget: Red flared dresses from DKNY and Zara

The bright red dress is something of a wardrobe staple for many people, and a great way to make a big impact with a really simple piece. We loved DKNY’s three-quarter sleeved version, with it’s flippy skirt and gorgeous, cherry-red colour… but then we spotted this very similar dress at Zara, which is £170 cheaper, leaving us enough left over to buy a pair of killer heels to go with it. Or a bag. Or a coat. Or… you get the picture… Which one would you go for, ladies and gentlemen of the fashion jury? DKNY Vs Zara?

The Emperor’s New Chandelier Lace Dress

Oh dear: looks like the Emperor isn’t wearing any clothes again! Or rather he she is, but given that the black body suit isn’t actually part of the “dress”, we don’t think it counts, making this so-called “dress” one of those completely pointless items that cost £45, and are basically a way to allow to effectively walk around in your underwear. “But I AM wearing a dress!” you can say, all innocence. “And look, it almost comes down to my knees: why, it’s really quite modest!” Sorry, but we’re not buying it. We know you just spent £45 on an almost-invisible dress, and we will never understand why you did it. If it all makes perfect sense to you, however,…

The pleated maxi dress: The Fashion Police’s old nemesis

Oh no. Not again. Please tell us our old nemesis the pleated maxi dress isn’t making a comeback? It is? Is it too late to leave the country, do you think? Drab, shapeless, and flattering to no one we can think of, this dress is the stuff Fashion Police nightmares are made of, and yet it got a great reception on ASOS’s Facebook page, so perhaps we’re the only ones who think it would be an excellent way to convince people you’d joined a religious cult. Are we the only ones? Did you squeal in delight at the sight of this dress? Well, far be it for us to deprive you of it, so you can click here to buy…

Alexander McQueen draped v neck dress

We hate saggy butts and we cannot lie…

Is this the least flattering dress ever?  We think it may be!  The length may be very this season but that wide band at the bottom just cuts off the poor model’s legs. Also: check out that saggy butt! If the model doesn’t look good in this, no one else is going to. What do you think though?  Do you like this style and would you buy it?  If you would, it costs £856.78 from here.

Introducing the ‘Here’s My Boob!’ dress, by Aqua

Funnily enough, this model is wearing exactly the same facial expression we imagine most onlookers will assume when you walk by wearing this little number. It’s a mixture of shock, amusement, and, of course, hope: hope that the wearer of the dress will make just one wrong move, and that barely-covered breast of hers will make a bid for freedom. The Fashion Police, meanwhile, are hoping that DOESN’T happen. Because then we’d have to arrest her, and our jail is looking pretty full right now. Instead, we’ll just cross our fingers and hope she’s made good use of the ol’ double-sided tape. It’s her only hope… [Click here to buy it]

Lionella purple lace dress

Shress watch: Lionella guilty as charged

So we paid our old friends Lionella a visit, you know, just to check up on them, and we were alarmed at what we found.  Yes, they are now stocking a shress.  Lionella call this ‘sexy, elegant and enticing’, but you dear reader know better of course, don’t you.  Insert your own description of this dress in the comments. If you think we are totally wrong about this however, bail is set at just £36.36 (which should leave you plenty of cash to buy something to wear underneath it) and you can get the shress here.

Dress like a toddler meets the 90s flashback

Ahh, the denim floral pinafore dress. Beloved of tiny tots and early 90s grunge fans in equal measure, and most often paired with Doc Martens and holey tights – by the latter at least. The Fashion Police recall the last time these were fashionable… It wasn’t a good look then, and we’re no more convinced this time around. This particular Officer remembers quite clearly leaning against the juke box at youth club in a very similar dress, playing and replaying Eternal Flame by The Bangles. See, if that hasn’t put you off we’re probably wasting our breath. But if you want to cash in on the nostalgia vibe you can do so via Topshop, where this beauty is retailing at…