Dresses

dress or top?

Dress or Top? New Look edition

It’s time for a game of Dress or Top, readers! The Fashion Police need your help in ID-ing the item shown above. It’s currently being sold at New Look, where it will set you back £19.99: but is it a very short dress, or it is simply a rather long top? That’s for you to decide. As far as the evidence goes, the model is helpfully demonstrating to us that this item does NOT pass the “fingertip test” often applied to hemlines, in which a dress which fails to reach the end of your fingertips is deemed to be too short. That doesn’t tell us much, though, because rules are made to be broken (sometimes), and, well, what if you…

5 Christmas dresses under £50

Five Under Fifty: Christmas Dresses

Well, we can ignore it no longer: the emails declaring that “Christmas is just around the corner!” are growing in number on a daily basis, so we guess we may as well bow to the inevitable and start looking for a Christmas party dress. We should probably make a start on the Christmas shopping, too, but then again, what else is Christmas Eve for? (We’re joking. Maybe.) Anyway, we know many of our readers are on a budget right now, so when we sent our officers out to hunt down five Christmas dresses for you, we imposed a £50 budget per dress on them. We’re mean like that. When it comes to buying a party dress on a serious budget,…

ASOS wool dress

Style On Trial: ASOS Wool Dress with Assymetric Sleeve

We’ve talked before about single-sleeved dresses, and whether or not they constitute a crime of fashion, and the consensus generally seems to be “Well, not really, but they’re worth the watching.”  In those cases, though, the dresses in question tend to be the standard one-long-sleeve-one-missing-sleeve affair, like this one: The ASOS dress at the top of this post, however, is different. Unwilling to commit fully to the one-sleeved look, it’s chosen to be half-hearted about it, going for one short sleeve, and one three-quarter length sleeve. The effect is a strangely unfinished, lopsided kind of look, which makes us weep for the simple, stylish dress this could have been – and probably WANTED to be – had the designer not…

Long black dress with high neck and sleeves

When Maxi Dresses Go Wrong

Dammit! Now why couldn’t we have discovered this dress BEFORE Halloween rather than after it? To be completely honest, we’ve never really trusted maxi dresses. In the right hands, they can look fantastic. In the wrong ones, however, they can make the wearer look like an extra in a costume drama. We don’t really need to tell you which type of hands this dress has been left in, do we? (Clue: the WRONG hands. Oh yes.) There’s nothing good about this look. The severe neckline combined with the long sleeves, harsh, head-to-toe black and scraped-back hair, all combine to make this poor model look like the evil governess in a gothic novel. If you don’t believe us, when you go…

pink silk dress

Emergency! Emergency! Fashion Crime in progress!

Yesterday afternoon, Officer Emily filed a report which forced us to instantly declare a Fashion Police State of Emergency. Here is the suspect in question: You’re possibly wondering what the problem is. Is it because it looks a bit like nightwear? Because, OK, that’s not good, but LOTS of dresses look like nightwear without meriting so much as a Fashion Police Caution. So what is it? Perhaps THIS will make things clearer: To quote Rolf Harris: Can yer see what it is yet? As Emily put it: this dress looks like something else. If you can see what the “something else” is, great: at least we know it’s not just us and our filthy minds. If you CAN’T see what…

Half Skirt

Strange Skirts: Aqua jumps on the bandwagon

Aqua are becoming serial offenders in the real of Strange Skirts: and Strange Other Items, too, to be perfectly honest. We think they’ve outdone themselves with this Half Maxi/Half Mini, though. Come on, Aqua, make your minds up! Surely no one is THIS indecisive? Look, even the model is starting to get all huffy: Not content with a skirt that will leave one leg out in the cold, however, Aqua continued the strangeness with this Shirt-With-a-Tail: They call it a “dress”. We call it “what a Fashion Criminal Superhero would wear, if there actually were Fashion Criminal Superheroes. Which there isn’t: there are only villains in the world of Fashion Criminals.” And just to prove that we’re not totally biased against dresses…

Striped skater dress from H&M

Secret Police Fitting Room Review: H&M stripe skater dress

The Fashion Police’s undercover officers are infiltrating fashion retailers around the country in order to bring you honest, unbiased reviews of the clothing and footwear they find there. Here’s their first report: Officer: Chief of Police Forever Amber Height: 5’4 Item:  H&M stripe skater dress, £12.99 (other colours available) Sizing: Ths is my usual “H&M dress size”, which is one size larger than I wear in other high street stores due to H&M’s habit of sizing everything down. It was still pretty snug – I’d have tried the next size up again, but this was the only one they had! The main issue for me, however, was the length: this dress is WAY shorter than I’d be comfortable wearing with…

Victoria Beckham dresses at Net-a-Porter

Fantasy Shopping: Victoria Beckham dresses exclusive to Net-a-Porter

It’s no secret that The Fashion Police are huge fans of Victoria Beckham’s dress collections: simple lines, striking silhouettes, stunning colours – there’s just a lot to like, basically. (Well, except for the price, of course. There is that.) Some of VB’s latest collection is currently available exclusively at Net-a-Porter, and we let out little sighs of longing every time we look at the images. This is basically Dress Porn: we know we’ll never be able to afford to buy them, but it’s nice to just LOOK at them, isn’t it? That said, someone obviously is buying these. Despite the fact that the prices start at around $1,600, and the most expensive pieces won’t give you much change out of…

Mad Men fashion at Dorothy Perkins

Wanted! Mad Men fashion at Dorothy Perkins

Roll collar pencil dress, £40 We’d just like to take a moment to virtually high-five Dorothy Perkins for their excellent work recently. We’ve been loving a lot of their clothes – a LOT of their clothes – but we’re particularly keen on the vaguely 60s-influenced, Mad Men style dresses they’ve been releasing over the past few weeks. And sure, everyone’s been doing 60s style, and everyone AND their dog has been jumping on the Mad Men train, but the fact that Dotty Ps dresses typically retail for around the £40 mark, and won’t make you look like you’re in costume (or not unless you go the whole hog with the 60s-style hair and makeup, too. We won’t judge you. Much.), we’ve been…

ASOS sack dress

Looking for a last-minute Halloween costume?

Then look no further than ASOS.com: This dress – for yes, it is a dress, not a Victorian nightgown – will be be the perfect basis for your: * Half-assed ghost (just paint your face white, OK?) * Escapee from a Victorian mental asylum * Burial shroud – ideal for the ever-popular “zombie” costume! Or, of course, you COULD just wear it as it is, and go as a fashion victim, like we suggested last week. Fashion victims are MUCH scarier than ghosts and zombies, after all… because fashion victims are REAL. Stay safe, kids: don’t let the scary dress give you nightmares… Buy it here.

Bad fashion: mesh dress with sheer top

‘Imagination’ mesh dress leaves little to the imagination

This dress is called the “Imagination” dress. Which is strange, really, considering that it really leaves very little to the imagination at all, does it? A more accurate name might be the  “One Wrong Move and You’re Topless” dress, say. Or the “I Use My Breasts to Get Attention” dress. You can leave your own suggestions in the comments box, should you wish. While we’re on the subject of barely there, clothing, though, we just want to ask: what’s with that? Seriously, is there some kind of fabric shortage we don’t know about, which is forcing designers to cut corners wherever they can? Because it sure looks like it. For instance, on the same website we found the No Imagination…

Blue woven dress with sheer panels

Modelling is Hard: Open Knit Woven Panel Dress

Oh, hai, model, why so perplexed? Pondering the mysteries of the universe, perhaps? Trying to to solve a really complex mathematical problem inside your head? Or just wondering what the hell you did to deserve being given THIS mess of a dress to wear? And also: why is it that anything with the word “woven” in the product description can almost always be relied upon to be a fashion crime? We’re going to be generous here, and assume the dress wasn’t intended to be worn quite like this, with absolutely nothing underneath it but (possibly) a pair of knickers: That doesn’t really help the model, though, does it? WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE MODELS?!

Kourtney Kardashian in a horse-print dress from ASOS

Style Stealer: Kourtney Kardashian ALSO wears ASOS horse-print!

When we told you that horse-print would be taking over the world, you probably didn’t think it would happen quite this quickly, did you? Well, it is, and it seems that ASOS is mostly to blame for the high street version of the trend, because no sooner did we show you Jayma Mays in their horse-print sweater, than along came Kourtney Kadashian in a horse-print dress, also from ASOS. Kourtney’s dress is £40, and available here. It’s already sold out in a couple of sizes, though, so if you really want to “rock” the pony print, we also found this alternative from Oasis, which is a different colour and shape, but shares the same kind of print: So now you…

Black dresses by Stella McCartney and Mango

Designer Vs High Street: Stella McCartney Vs Mango

All rise for the case of Mango Vs McCartney! Actually, it’s OK, you can sit back down: there’s really no case to be answered here – this is a straightforward case of “designer inspiration” as opposed to “blatant copying”, and while you can clearly see where the inspiration from this Mango dress has come from, there are enough differences between it and the Stella McCartney original to make it very obvious which is which. Unfortunately for Mango, the side-by-side comparison doesn’t really do their creation any favours. We’re sure it probably looks nice on, but next to the Stella, it does look a little… well, cheap, really. IS it cheap? Well, it’s £34.90, so we’d say yes, it is. As…

Ugly dress with attached leather gloves

The Skin dress by Maison Martin Margiela

Remember The Creepiest Shirt in the World? The one with the attached leather gloves which looked horribly like dead human skin? THAT shirt? The one good thing about that was the fact that, having seen it, we knew nothing could ever be as bad. We had seen the worst the fashion world had to offer, we had faced it, arrested it, and moved on. From then on, things would be better, we just knew it! We were wrong: THIS is as bad as it gets, folks. This is the pinnacle of Creepy Clothing. It’s also £1,240, and if you really want it, you’ll have to hurry, because it’s only available in two sizes. We’re sure they’ll sell like cupcakes to fashion bloggers….

ASOS dress inspired by Roland Mouret

Battle of the Black Dresses: ASOS Vs Roland Mouret

Even the least fashion-savvy amongst us would probably be able to tell these two dresses apart: there’s just no disguising a Roland Mouret, is there? Unfortunately for us, however, there’s just no way of paying for one either, so until our Fairy Godmother comes along to wave her magic wand, we’ll just have to content ourselves with this ASOS version of Mouret’s famous pleat neck dress. Well, the ASOS version is only £45, you see, and the Mouret is no longer available, and even if it was, it’s not like we’d be able to afford it on a police officer’s salary, so ASOS it is! There’s one problem, though: the Mouret dress is from the Spring/Summer 2006 collection, so wearing…

DEVORE CITY MAXI DRESS BY UNIQUE**

Say something nice about this gold Topshop maxi dress

We can’t think of anything nice to say about this gold maxi dress by Topshop Unique. In fact, if we came round to your house, say, and you were wearing this, we would think we got you out of bed. We’d also think it was 1972. It’s Friday, though, and, well, it’s nice to be nice, isn’t it? So we’ll leave it up to you. If you share our view, you can consider it a challenge. If you don’t, you can consider it an opportunity to change our minds. If you just want to buy the dress, you can click here and have your £195 at the ready. Go!

Yellow sack dress with floral print

Modelling is Hard: Sack Dress Edition

We know what you’ll say to this. “But, Fashion Police!” you’ll say. “You could belt it! And wear it with different shoes! Maybe a leather jacket or something to toughen it up. It could all be OK!” But the fact is, they DIDN’T belt it. Or put the model in different shoes. Or “toughen it up”. And it’s NOT OK. It’s very much NOT OK. And all of the objections you can think of will simply boil down to “if it looked completely different, in every possible way, THEN it might work”. Meanwhile, this poor model is suffering, and no one – not even The Fashion Police – can help here. Her torment didn’t end with the dress, either:

Shirt or Dress? Mason by Michelle Mason “long” shirtdress

Quick show of hands, jurors: Shirt or dress, dress or shirt? As you can see from the caption, we’re going to go with “shirt”. We’re also going to ask the model to put her pants back on now please, before we have to arrest her for being out in public without them. It DOES explain why she’s looking so shifty, though, doesn’t? What’s your vote? (This is Mason by Michelle Mason: click here to buy it at Shopbop)