Dresses

Crime of Fashion: Monsoon’s ‘Jolie Pebble’ dress – not maternity wear, just ugly

How fickle is the world of fashion. Just last week we featured Monsoon in our Dress of the Day feature – today we’re arresting them for crimes against fashion. Ah well, easy come, easy go, and as Paris Hilton would no doubt confirm, if you do the crime, you have to be prepared to do the time. Monsoon have certainly "done the crime" with this dress, which is shapeless, baggy and the kind of thing that even Nicole Ritchie would struggle not to look fat in. This isn’t actually a maternity dress – it just looks like one, although given the choice of maternity wear available these days, I doubt any self-respecting pregnant woman would want to be seen in…

Crime of Fashion: Denim and mesh dress at TK Maxx

While I was out at TK Maxx today, ruthlessly fighting crimes of fashion (and, OK, buying shoes), I came across this dress, which was just blatantly hanging there, as if it wasn’t one of the fugliest things in the whole wide world. It’s hard to give you an impression of just how ugly this dress was from this picture, but when I tell you that those beige side panels you can see are actually stretch mesh, and kind of see-through, perhaps you’ll get the idea. Add to that the raggedy, toilet-paper-esque hem, and the fact that this is, after all, a denim dress, and you  have  yourself one helluva  crime of fashion. It’s just a good job I was there…

Crime of Fashion: denim mini dress from Mango

Behold, the denim mini dress – one of the ultimate crimes of fashion. To be perfectly honest, no denim mini dress is a good denim mini dress – they just scream out "tacky!" and "trashy" and "other offensive words beginning with T that I can’t think of right now!" – but I think this one from Mango is particularly offensive. The strappy, halter neck, the likes of which should never been seen in the same sentence as the word "denim". The dropped, tie waist. The ruffle – oh dear lord, the ruffle! Most of all, though, I think it’s the colour of denim used here which is the real crime. That’s not to say this dress would have been acceptable…

Dress of the Day: Green stencil dress from Miss Selfridge

Most of the time, Miss Selfridge specialise in producing cheap but chic little dresses and tops. Every so often, though, they’ll come out with something that’s unaccountably more expensive than the rest of their line. This green stencil dress, for instance, is £60, which is a little more expensive than you’d normally expect to pay on the UK high street, but given that the dress is a little nicer than you’d normally expect to see, I guess the price hike is justified. This is one of those little gems of a dress which will take you almost anywhere. You’ll be able to dress it up with heels and a nice clutch bag, or dress it down with flip flops and…

Crime of Fashion: Tibi’s floral print ‘Luana’ dress

I love Tibi, I really do. They make simple, classic pieces that anyone would be proud to own. Except this. Because, no matter how much I love Tibi, I just can’t find it in myself to love this dress, which looks like an explosion in a flower factory. You see, there’s a point at which floral print is cute, feminine and girlie, and there’s a point at which it becomes garish, "wacky" and just plain ugly. With their ‘Luana’ dress, Tibi have reached that "ugly" point, I’m afraid. Wear only to a fancy dress party, as a 1960s housewife…

Dress of the Day: Strapless Polka Dot Prom Dresses by Jovani

I actually wrote about this dress a couple of weeks ago, in response to one of our Ask the Fashion Police features, but just in case y’all were too lazy to look after the jump – and because I think it’s so fabulous it deserves to be shown off twice – here it is again. Isn’t it just the bomb? It’s by Jovani, and if I were going to a prom, or a ball, or even just sitting around the house doing nothing, this is the dress I choose. I’m a sucker for polka dots anyway, but even if I wasn’t, I think this would make a refreshing change from all of the pinks and pastels we tend to see…

Multiple crimes of fashion by ‘Patricia from Paris’

I’m not quite sure who ‘Patricia from Paris’ is, but having witnessed what she’s capable of, I can totally see why she’d want to remain anonymous. You can run, but you can’t hide from The Fashion Police, though, and we tracked these dresses down on the eDressMe website, where they are posing as “party dresses”. God, I’m glad I wasn’t invited to that party… While the multicoloured dress on the left could almost be excused, assuming you were wearing it to some kind of eighties fancy dress party, the other two look like they’d probably burst into flames if you took them anywhere near a naked flame, and on those grounds alone, they deserve to be arrested. The strange thing…

Dress of the Day: Colette Ruched Dress from Monsoon

I’m not normally much of a fan of the ragged-hem look on dresses, but this ‘Colette’ dress from Monsoon is so pretty I think I’ll let it off. The dusky pink is such a great colour for an evening dress – it’s feminine without being too “Barbie” girlie-girl, and the rose and sash just add to the feminine appeal of this dress. It’s really only going to be suitable for the kind of swanky evening events that I never get invited to, but if I had the spare £160 it costs, I’d probably but it anyway, just because it’s so lovely. *Gush*

Dress of the Day: pink and white polka dot 50s style dress from Miss Selfridge

Oh, how I wish I could wear this, although with my red hair I think it would all be a bit Clashy McClash. It is rather lovely, though, and that vintage, 1950s style makes it perfect for anyone who loves retro dresses  but gets sick of trawling through all those vintage dress sites only to find that the dress they like best is either not available in their size, not available at all or available – but smells like it’s spent the last fifty years getting down with the mothballs in the attic (which it probably has, to be honest). It’s £70 from Miss Selfridge, which is just a bit on the expensive side for the high street, but pretty…

Dress of the Day: Black balloon sleeve dress by Moschino Cheap & Chic – the uniform of The Fashion Police

I have to confess, I think the main reason I’m drawn to this balloon sleeved dress by Moschino Cheap & Chic is the fact that it reminds me of the dresses our little fashion police ladies are wearing in our logo. Dontchya think? And if we had a real Fashion Police (with, you know, real people in it), I think this dress is what they’d be wearing. They’d wear it with big black sunglasses, red lipstick and Christian Louboutin heels, and while they wouldn’t be able to run very fast or chase fashion criminals very far, damn, but those fashion police would look hot.

Style Stealer: Fergie’s little white curve seam dress

It’s a rare thing for us to try and steal Fergie’s style, and it’s not something I would normally advocate trying at home, kids. On this occassion, though, Fergie’s actually looking quite chic for once, in a simple white dress and metallic shoes, and rather nice she looks, too. Fergie’s dress is by Couture Couture, but thic cheap n’ chic version from Topshop is pretty similar, with the same button front and bell sleeves, and it’s only £40. I’ve had my eye on this dress for a few weeks now: I think it could be a great summer buy, and would look good dressed down with plip flops and big sunnies – maybe a Bianca Jagger style floppy hat too,…

Dress(es) of the Day: Big flower jersey dress from Dorothy Perkins

I wasn’t 100% sure about these jersey dresses when I first noticed them on the Dorothy Perkins website, but I had a look at them in the flesh today, and, well, let’s just say the green one has just been added to my "things to buy on payday" list. The jersey material felt good quality – not like that "spit peas through it" thin jersey you sometimes see on floral dresses – and while the dresses are empire lined, the shape is narrow enough that they won’t make you look pregnant – always a bonus, I find. Also, while the print is bold and eye-catching, it’s not that wild and kerrazy mis-mash of colours we’ve been seeing around lately, so…

Dress of the Day: spirit jersey dress from Coast

Coast have just started offering online shopping. I can die happy now. I absolutely love Coast, but round here their stores are few and far between (and by that I mean "there are none") so I can normally only get my grubby mitts on them after every so often. Not any more, though! Thanks to their new website, every day can be a Coast day (well, it could if, you known, I actually had any money to spend there). Now, Coast tend to be best known for their occasion wear, and for good reason, but I’ve chosen this lovely green jersey dress as our DOTD today because I think it could be dressed down enough to wear during the day,…

Crime of Fashion: Diane Von Furstenberg’s Abel wrap dress

I think I might be unique amongst women in that I am not a fan of the wrap dress. Don’t get me wrong: I don’t hate wrap dresses, and I think they can look fantastic – just on other women. On me? Not so much, really. In fact, wrap dresses tend to make me look a little bit like a badly-wrapped parcel, which is why I have two of the beasts hanging in my wardrobe right now, with a combined wear time of less than 30 minutes. (Because 15 minutes is roughly how long it takes me to realise I look like crap and take myself off to get changed). All of which, of course, has absolutely nothing to do…

Style Stealer: Teri Hatcher’s Dolce & Gabbana dress

Teri Hatcher appeared on Letterman recently in a shocking pink corset dress with pockets…Well, this one is in purple, but it’s the very same dress: it’s by Dolce & Gabbana and is £1,280 at Browns Fashion. Personally, I’d go for the emerald green version, which is even more striking, but given that it’s exactly the same price as the purple one shown above, I doubt it’ll be troubling my wardrobe anytime soon.

Kate Moss for Topshop: The white dress in stock from next week. Allegedly.

Of all the pieces in the Kate Moss for Topshop collection, I think this one was the most widely anticipated – and this one caused the greatest dissapointment when it wasn’t available at the launch, earlier this month. Still, anyone who’s been dying to get their hands on one of the white dresses can take heart – Topshop say it will be available from late next week, and not only will it be available, it will apparently be available in black and lemon as well as that "must have" white. Will it be available on the website, though, for those of us that don’t live near a Topshop store? I somehow doubt it, but time will tell…

On Trial: Anna Sui’s Patchwork habotai dress

It’s red and green and black and white, and it’s got flowers and more flowers and, er, different kinds of flowers on the print. It’s bright and girlie, and I think my seven-year-old neice would probably dismiss it as too childlike, but what do you think? Should The Fashion Police be arresting this piece, or should we leave it at liberty? Vote! Comment! (And remember, you can only see the results of the poll once you’ve cast your vote.)

Crime of Fashion: Marc by Marc Jacobs satin insert dress

You know, I can sort of see where Marc Jacobs was going with this.. Oh no, wait. No, I can’t, actually, can I? Because this? This is inexcusable. £280 to look like a downtrodden housemaid from the 1940s? Er, no thanks, Marc. I think we’ll be passing on that one, if it’s all the same with you. I mean, it’s shapeless and saggy and dowdy – a triple, Fashion Police whammy! Why, for the love of Dog, why?

Style Stealer: Paris Hilton shows us what to wear to church

You know, I don’t know why everyone gets so wound up over Paris Hilton and her silly little infringements of the law*. Why, Paris is clearly a fine, upstanding young woman, who goes to church abd everything! Lookit Paris going to church in her pretty white dress! Now, would you throw that sweet innocent girl in jail? Yup, me too…. Love the dress though, Paris. The JC Penney version on the right isn’t quite as nice, but for $39.99, it’ll do. * Sarcasm. Just in case it wasn’t obvious enough for ya.