Dresses

high-low dresses

The high-low dress gets a makeover, is still inexplicable

When we heard that the high-low dress had been re-invented, we were ecstatic. “About time!” we said. “These things have only been fashionable for a short time, and we’re already sick of the infernal things!” [For the benefit of the uninitiated, a “high-low” dress is one which is short at the front, but long at the back – or sometimes long at the sides, with two floaty side-panels surrounding a mini-skirt. You may also know it as the “mullet dress”. We certainly do.] It’s not that we HATE the high-low dress, you understand. As fashion crimes go, there are much bigger ones out there. It’s just that every time we see one (Which is a lot. You can’t look at fashion…

Miss Francesca Couture Leopard Deep V Prom Dress

Citizen’s Arrest: Miss Francesca Couture Leopard Deep V Prom Dress

This crime was called in by concerned citizen Hannah, who’s spotted the perp over at ASOS.com, and known instantly that there was something very, very wrong. And by “something”, we mean “many things”. When our officers arrived on the scene, they didn’t know what to book this dress for first: The length? The cleavage? The Dynasty-style puffy sleeves? The print? ALL OF THESE THINGS COMBINED? In the end, we arrested it on multiple charges. And it looks like we got there just in the nick of time, too, because: This crime is spreading. Not content to restrict itself to just one dress, it’s infiltrated two of them. Did we mention that this will cost you £260? The model is now recovering in…

Aqua Bandstand Plunge Neck Open Back Pencil Dress

The Cleavage Question: Aqua Bandstand Plunge Neck Open Back Pencil Dress

We’ve spoken a lot here about the “how much cleavage is too much cleavage” question. We’d venture to suggest that this dress provides a handy illustration of the rule: when your clothing basically serves as a frame for your breasts… it’s too much cleavage. Also, when we can see the tan lines from your bikini: again, too much cleavage. And no, you fact that this dress has long sleeves doesn’t make it any better. What do you think? Is it too much? Did you look at the dress, or did you just see the breasts? [Buy it]

comme des garcons oversized dress

Does my butt look big in this?

Thanks to Comme des Garcobs, the answer posed in the question will always be “yes”. Yes, your butt DOES look kinda big in that dress, now you come to mention it! And so does you hips, toso, and… well, just everything, really. That’s the whole point, though: this dress is part of a whole range of “oversized” items from Comme des Garcons, and they’re designed to make everything look that little bit – or, OK, that BIG bit – larger than life. We don’t know: we guess you could say it’s a refreshing change from all of the clothes designed to make us look smaller and thinner? And at least with these, you definitely won’t have to worry about undoing…

sheer dress by John Galliano

The Emperor’s New…John Galliano dress

Well, it seems that John Galliano has some strange ideas about what is A Dress and what is Not a Dress. Just for Mr G, and anyone else who is similarly confused, we’d like to clarify that this is Not a Dress. We repeat: Not a Dress. No, this is an invisible cape, with a bow at the neck. If you wear it in public, you will be at risk of ACTUAL arrest, not just Fashion Police arrest. You’ll also have spent $949 to look like you’re naked. If that doesn’t put you off, nothing will… [Product Page]

revealling dress

Attack of the Green Dress

First we saw this picture and thought this looked uncomfortable in an “Oh my gosh, if I move so much a muscle, my dress will just pop right off!” kind of way. Then we saw this photo, and realised that, actually? This just looks plain uncomfortable. Criminally so, in fact. What did her poor chest do to deserve this kind of treatment, we wonder? [Buy it]

Crime of Fashion: the Knee-Window dress

Crime of Fashion: the Knee-Window dress

This week alone has saw us arrest an item with a boob window, and an item with a back window. It figures the knee-window was the next logical – well, illogical – step, huh? That said, we think this whole window trend should stop right here. Before someone decides it’s time for a “butt window” or something equally… oh. Seriously, what is this fascination with fashion designers cutting large, square holes in items of clothing? Is it too much to ask that clothes be left window-less every once in a while? Also: is it just us, or would this have been a crime of fashion even without the knee window? [Buy it]

underwear as outerwear

The underwear-as-outerwear look goes too far

Seriously, guys, if you absolutely MUST show your bra, through a purpose-build “boob window” cut into the front of your dress, at least wear a bra WORTH showing off, ya know? Not that boring old beige number that’s perfect under white tops, but closely resembles – and maybe even is – the unsexiest shapewear ever. With all of that said: don’t flash your bra through a boob-window dress, OK? Please tell us that bit goes without saying? [Product Page]

ASOS dungaree skirt

Skirt, meet shredder

Well, this was an unfortunate accident, wasn’t it? And although it’s hard to imagine the exact sequence of events that must have led to this demure looking dungaree dress being sucked helplessly into the office shredder (We’d love to see the movie version of that, though. It would make an excellent fashionista thriller, wouldn’t it? Did we just invent a new genre?), it happens, people. Well, it happened. To this poor model. Now she’ll have to just live with the consequences: shredded skirt, shredded dignity – who knows the knock-on effects this could have, or the many years of therapy she might need to get over it. You think they’re just clothes, readers, but trust us: they’re SO MUCH MORE…

monochrome dresses

Designer Dupes: Monochrome panelled dresses by 3.1 Phillip Lim and Mango

Two dresses, both alike in shape and style, both featuring crew necks, long sleeves, and large white panels bordered with black, to make their wearer look a little slimmer than she actually is. One dress however, is an expensive, designer number, while the other comes from the high street. In this case, one is by 3.1 Phillip Lim, and will cost you £485, while the other is by Mango, and will set you back just £44.99. We know which one WE’D buy, but which would you go for, assuming you were in the market for a dress just like this?

print fringe dress

Crime of Fashion: Print fringe dress by Rare

We have Gemma, over at Catwalk Queen, to thank for calling in this particular Crime of Fashion. We’ve no idea how our officers managed to miss it when it first appeared on the Topshop website, but we’re relieved to see that no lasting damage appears to have been done by it being allowed to enjoy its liberty up until now: it’s been reduced to £10 in the sale, and there were still a few available at the time of arrest, so hopefully there aren’t too many people out there who’ve fallen victim to this dress, and its fringed ways. It’s now safely in Fashion Police custody: we can all sleep easy tonight… [Buy it]

dirndl dresses

Heidi Goes High Fashion: Introducing the Designer Dirndl

It’s a little known fact, but in her later years, after she left the mountain, Heidi became a fashionista, and started buying her dirndl dresses at My Theresa. True story, folks.* And now you – yes, YOU – can follow in her footsteps, for the dresses shown above aren’t from a costume store, or some kind of purveyor of traditional costume: they are, indeed, from My Theresa, best known for selling designer fashion to the masses. Or to the small cross-section of the masses who can actually afford it, anyway. So, what do you make of the marketing of the dirdl as a fashion statement? We reckon that while these are pretty dresses when viewed in context (i.e. as traditional clothing), it…

crime of fashion dress

Animal print gets literal

There are lots of things to dislike about this dress. In fact, we could arrest it on multiple charges, if we really felt like it. Every time we look at it, though, there’s just one big question on our minds: What, exactly, are the two tigers looking at? Is it her navel? Her crotch? WHAT? And why do they look like whatever it is they’re staring so intently at is what’s for dinner? You can’t not see it now, can you? Buy it

Dorothy Perkins summer dresses

Fashion Police Approved: Dorothy Perkins summer dresses

We’d just like to take a few moment on this Monday morning to pay tribute to Dorothy Perkins, and their excellent work in the dress department this summer. We’ve shown you a few of the dresses in question as part of our Dress of the Day feature, but barely a day goes by without us discovering yet another dress to add to our Dotty Ps wishlist, so we thought we’d round up a few of them here for you. These are just a small selection of Dotty P’s own-brand label: they also stock a range of other brands, such as Closet, Pippa Dee and more, and you can view them all here, in the Dorothy Perkins dress department. Dorothy Perkins,…

Samara The Ring Costume

Modelling is Hard: The Ring Edition

Is anyone else seeing Samara/Sadako from The Ring here? Because this creepy all-in one (yes, the “hair-in-front-of-the-face” thing is attached to the rest of it, which… well, we guess it would come in handy if you had a particularly bad skin breakout. Let’s just leave it at that, shall we?) will certainly be giving us nightmares tonight, that’s for sure. And not just because someone’s going to pay £829 for it, either. Here’s what it looks like on its own: At least it would come in handy on a bad hair day? Or if you had a bad breakout of spots? This is by Bless, who call it the ‘Ra Multispaghetti dress”. We promise we’re not making this up. Click…

Thakoon cardigan shirt dress

Stuck Together Clothes Crimes: The shirt that is also a cardigan, that is also a dress

This is a cardigan shirt dress. Three little words, which would normally denote three little separate items of clothing, but which, thanks to the wonder that is fashion, have been combined into one. It’s Stuck Together Clothing of the highest degree, people. And, strangely enough, a “cardigan shirt dress” is every bit as bad as it sounds, isn’t it? Designers of the world, The Fashion Police beg you: please, make your damn minds up. Decide whether you want to make a dress, a cardigan OR a shirt. Resist the impulse to stick ’em all together. Relax. It really can be that simple… if you let it. Oh yeah, and this is $890. If that’s not a crime of fashion, we don’t know…

Vivetta bear dress

Bear Breasts: Vivetta’s ‘Cady Bear’ dress

Well, this certainly gives new meaning to the phrase “bear breasts”. We mean “bare breasts.” Whoops, no, we were right the first time, for these are bears ON the breasts, as opposed to… well, you know. Do you see what Vivetta did there? This strange mixture of child and adult is not only a walking pun, it’s also the source of much confusion here at Fashion Police HQ, as we struggle to wonder what kind of person would want to almost expose her breasts under see-through chiffon, but then cover them up at the last minute with a cutesty-wutesy ickle bear. Is it YOU? Are you the kind of person who would wear this? If so, you’ll need £221, and…

cage dress

Locked Up: Moonspoon Saloon The Bride Velvet Cage Dress

You have to wonder what her bellybutton did to justify putting it behind bars like this, don’t you? And whether the collarbone was an actual accomplice, or just an innocent bystander that got caught up in the madness. We don’t have to wonder what the dress did to get itself locked up in the Fashion Police jail, though, do we? It committed Crimes of Fashion. And you all know what happens to clothes which commit crimes of fashion… [Moonspoon Saloon The Bride Velvet Cage Dress, $435: click here to buy it]