Crimes of Fashion

Denim: disastrous or delightful?

We love denim. It’s one of those fabrics you can just always depend on, isn’t it? Feeling blah, and don’t know what to wear? Jeans to the rescue! Need an outfit you can dress up/down as required? Denim is here for you. Denim (or chambray, if you’re talking about the thinner equivalent normally used on shirts) is such an easy thing to get right: but it’s also a really easy thing to get badly WRONG, as we think these examples demonstrate: It’s hard to know where to even start with this one. Seriously,what are we looking at here? It’s like Little Bow Peep meets 80s pop princess, meets Little House on the Prairie, meets saucy seductress…. And it wouldn’t actually…

Furry ballet flats are a thing now

These may look like a cosy pair of furry slippers, but it saddens us to report that they’re actually a pair of furry outdoor shoes: and $740 ones, at that. Now, we’ve written fairly extensively on the scourge of furry boots that seem to be dominating the autumn/winter collections, but these ones are particularly perplexing, and not JUST because they’d presumably make your feet look like they belonged on a hairy mammoth.  No, we’re talking here about practicality. As with the furry boots we’ve featured, we can’t see how pale fur would be at all practical during the wintery weather these presumably designed for, but at least the boots have the defense of being warm. These shoes, however, raise the…

ugly shorts arrested by The Fashion Police

Shorts Horror | Au Jour le Jour lip printed shorts

[Buy them here for £242] The placement of the tongue on the crotch. The butt-cheeks hanging out of the super-short hem. The knee socks. The stiletto-heeled slippers. The old “where on earth would you wear them?” question. The idea of paying £242 to look like… this. There’s just so many things about these shorts that makes us want to reach for our citation pads and book them for multiple crimes of fashion. But let’s be honest: it’s mostly the placement of the tongue on the crotch. In other news, meanwhile: [Buy it here for £570] This is a hat. We know it doesn’t necessarily LOOK like a hat, but trust us: it’s a hat. And not just any old hat,…

Crime of Fashion? Moschino’s Trench Coat/négligée hybrid

[Buy it here for $2,995] It took us a few seconds to work out exactly what we were looking at here, but then it hit us: you know all those times – those many, many times – when you want to wear a classic trenchcoat, but you ALSO want to wear a silky négligée ? Well, this item is the answer to your prayers: isn’t fashion marvelous? Now, we have to admit, there have been times in our lives – and quite possibly in yours, too – when we’ve been tempted to throw a coat on over our nightclothes and run out on a quick errand. We’re not saying we’ve given into that impulse – yet  –  you understand: simply…

Frankenshoes | Strange Shoes Ride Again

We know we’ve been bringing you a lot pf shoe-related arrests lately, but as we mentioned in our last crime report, shoes have become the master criminals of the fashion world. The ringleaders, if you will. Never has there been a time in which ugly footwear was quite so prevalent: footwear like THIS: Thom.Solo x Solestruck Dahlia’ boots, $299.95 We’d imagine some of you will like these, and think they’re pretty. Because those are flowers on the platform, after all, and flowers are pretty, yes? Well, yes, but here’s the problem: those are FLOWERS on the platform. When we first looked at them, we assumed the wearer of the boots had stepped in something nasty, and not bothered to wipe…

Fashion Crimes: The ‘That Can’t Be Comfortable’ Edition

There are two types of fashion crime in the word: the clothes we wouldn’t want to wear because of the way they LOOK, and the clothes we wouldn’t want to wear because we just can’t imagine ever feeling comfortable in them. Sometimes the discomfort is the literal kind: Leather square gusset shorts, $510 Leather shorts don’t strike us as particularly comfortable at the best of times (IS there a “best time” for leather shorts, we wonder? ), but leather SQUARE GUSSET shorts? Nuh-uh? Even if that leather is the buttery-soft variety, can you imagine walking around with all that bunched-up leather between your legs? (Sorry, there just wasn’t a non-vulgar-sounding way of putting that…) Even worse that these are shorts, so…

The Emperor’s New Fendi Trousers

Well, whaddya know: it looks like our old friend The Emperor got himself some new trousers! [Buy them here for £136] It’s hard to be sure just from the evidence before us, but we THINK what we’re looking at here is a pair of tights, with a useless, totally sheer skirt attached to them. Which is awesome, because how many times have you been getting dressed in the morning and thought to yourself, “If only these tights had a flo0r-length, almost-invisible skirt attached!” SO many times. But actually, no, no times at all. We can’t even IMAGINE thinking that. We’re not sure why anyone would? Oh, and we also think what we’re looking at here is the model’s bare ass….

When Maxi Dresses Go Wrong

The maxi dress. It’s a summer staple for many people: throw one on with a pair of sandals and a floppy sunhat, and you’re all set for a day by the pool, a trip to the beach, a leisurely day’s sightseeing… you can fill in the rest of this list yourself, we’re sure. Not only is the maxi dress a lightweight alternative to shorts, sundresses or all of those other summer options, it can also be very forgiving to the figure: unless, of course, it looks like this: Black maxi dress, $24 We have a grudging respect for this dress. It’s just so unapologetic, isn’t it? The girl who wears this dress isn’t going to fuss around, adding silly layers…

ostrich feather headpiece

Hilarious Hats: would you wear them?

They say that if you want to get ahead, get a hat. Honestly, though, the only thing THESE hats are likely to get you is a citation slip from The Fashion Police. For instance… Ostrich feather headpiece, £1139 This isn’t so much a “hat” as it’s a wig. Wear it, and you will straight-up look like you’re wearing a wig: a giant, orange, ostrich feather wig. Not keen on the orange? Don’t worry: it also comes in yellow and brown. We suspect we’re supposed to be referring to these shades as “blonde, brunette and ginger”, but that would imply that they actually look like hair, and, well, they don’t. Not unless you’re an ostrich, obviously. feathered top hat, £649 This…

More strange shoes: crimewave continues

We usually leave most of the shoe talk to ShoeperWoman, but right now there are just too many ugly shoes out there for her to handle, so we’re stepping in to make a few arrests. As ShoeperWoman observed earlier this week, footwear fashion is going through something of an awkward stage at the moment. There are Birkenstocks. There are those clumpy white sandals with the giant platform soles. There are… these: Charlotte Olympia ‘Hands On’ sandals, £755 Shoes. Made out of… hands. Not REAL hands, obviously. That would creepy. And this… isn’t? Selfridges tactfully say these will “have everyone looking twice.” Well, that’s certainly ONE way to put it. Charlotte Olympia isn’t the only one trying to make hands on…

Crimes of Fashion | Faces in Places

With summer in full swing, you may be thinking of hitting the beach or pool this weekend. Before you do, you might want to take a look at what NOT to wear, including… [Buy it at Yoox.com] Now, it turns out that that’s a couple of bears on this bikini top. We’ll just give you a couple of seconds to let that sentence sink in. Now, bears don’t generally resemble nipples, but the placement of the nose here is REALLY unfortunate. Folks, if you don’t want people staring at you all day long, avoid any item of clothing which places round dots right over your nipples, seriously. That doesn’t JUST apply to swimwear, either: in fact, we have a long-held…

Strange Shoes |Footwear Fails on Trial

While browsing Louisa Via Roma this week, our undercover officers discovered the following footwear offences – or possible offences, depending on your opinion: DSquared2 mink and suede pumps, £810 You’re probably never going to convince us that real fur on footwear is a good idea, but even if you could, these would have to be the least practical shoes we’ve ever seen. Seriously, that’s a white fur heel: can you even IMAGINE what it’s going to look like once you’ve walked down the street in it – or do people who buy £810 not actually walk down streets? Are they perhaps chauffeured to their appointments, and then carried from car to doorway on a litter? Because that’s the only situation…

Distressed jeans are distressing

Go Jane has been on the Fashion Police radar for a while now: in fact, sometimes looking at the site is a bit like looking into out very own jail. There are a lot of things we could take issue with there (plus a few things we quite like, let’s be fair), but today we’re just plain ol’ distressed. And so are these jeans: This is a good example of how careful you need to be about the placement of the rips and tears on your carefully distressed denim. A tear on the knee, or a small rip on the thigh, for instance, can create that “worn in” look that’s presumably the whole point of distressed jeans. A giant gash…

The Dress-Like-A-Toddler Trend Gathers Pace

You know, it’s probably not fair to describe the Style Suspects in this post as being victims of the “Dress Like a Toddler Trend“. After all, how many toddlers do YOU know who have a hat like THIS: [Buy it here for £343] Yes, this is a hat. A £343 hat. For adults. We guess many toddlers would LIKE to own a hat like this, but you don’t tend to see a lot of them (or not so far, anyway), so you’re more likely to find something like this sitting amongst a heap of stuffed animals on a single bed somewhere than on the head of an actual grown-up. Piers Atkinson, however (For ’tis he who brings us this offering)…

Topshop in blatant ‘Stuck Together Clothes’ crime

Stuck-Together-Clothes: no matter how hard we fight the good fight against them, still brands keep trying to sell us them. Take this, for instance: Two-n-One Bralet tee, £24 We’ll start by stating the obvious: if you REALLY want to wear a bra over the top of your t-shirt, just do it. By which we mean, take a bra, take a t-shirt, wear one of them over the other: done. You don’t actually NEED a special “bralet tee” to achieve this look, do you? And yet somehow Topshop thinks you do. They think you wouldn’t be capable of putting this, er, “look”, together on your own, so they’ve helpfully done it for you. And you will pay them for this. Actually,…

Crime of Fashion? Moschino does Underwear-as-Outerwear

[Buy it here for £150] Well, it looks like Moschino are on track to win the coveted Fashion Criminals of the Year title (which isn’t actually a thing, but totally should be, don’t you think?). We’d give them the award mostly for their dedication to encouraging people to dress like toddlers , but they’re not neglecting other areas of fashion criminality, as this little outfit proves. Our officers spent a bit of time interrogating this suspect in order to make sure it WAS actually “an outfit”, and not underwear. It didn’t say much – it’s a skirt and bra top, what do you expect? – but we decided in favour of “clothing”, on the basis of three main pieces of evidence: 1….

Crime of Fashion? Lazy Oaf ‘Fur Face’ jacket

Lazy Oaf ‘Fur Face’ jacket, $244 In a bid to be fair to this suspect, let us just first of all point out that at least it’s “only” $244, so while it’s still expensive (Especially considering its appearance…), it’s not QUITE as mind-bendingly expensive as some of the fashion criminals we’ve been forced to arrest. Er, that’s pretty much all we’ve got on the “positives”, to be honest. Because, let’s face it: this is a Muppet jacket. It even has the eyes. Two sets of them, in fact. Actually, if you try to forget that it’s supposed to be an item of clothing, it’s almost endearing: it’s the kind of thing you can imagine your much younger self absolutely LOVING,…

Fashion Crime Friday | Hands on your head

In this week’s Fashion Crime roundup, we discover that the whole “strange and expensive headgear” trend is still going strong: [Buy it here for £284] Suspect # 1 | The Hand on Your Head We say “trend”. This isn’t a trend in the true sense of the world: or, at least, we hope not. What we mean by that is that it’s highly unlikely we’ll start to see people going about their business while wearing a £300 hand headband (And Handband?)…. and yet designers keep on producing stuff like this. Remember those Piers Atkinson baseball caps we featured a while back? We didn’t see anyone walking around town in those either, so who’s buying this stuff? We cam imagine wearing…

acne long-sleeved sweaters

Fashion Crime Friday | Shoulders and sleeves

Sometimes we love not being “edgy”. When you don’t have to worry about whether your outfit is edgy/on-trend enough, for instance, these Acne outfits become simply something to make you smile, as opposed to something you might actually have to consider wearing: [All items available at Acne] Suspects # 1 – 3 | Acne’s super-long sleeves Remember when you were little, and some well-meaning relative would knit you a sweater, the sleeves of which were almost down to your knees, but which you had to wear anyway, rather than offend them? That well-meaning relative is apparently designing for Acne these days: who knew? We really love the way these models have managed to put everything we think about those sleeves into…

Fashion Crime Friday | Terrible Tights, and other crimes of fashion

Tights. They should be simple accessories, worn when it’s too cold for bare legs, or when you want to add a little bit of interest to your outfit. What they SHOULDN’T be, is this: [Buy them here for $495]   Suspect # 1 | Tights with a skirt For a start, tights should never cost you almost $500. Nuh-uh. Don’t get us wrong: we can vaguely imagine a scenario in which we become rich beyond our wildest dreams, and think nothing of splashing some serious cash on a designer dress, or a fabulous pair of shoes. We imagine that scenario quite often, actually: it helps us get to sleep at night. What we CAN’T imagine, however – not even in…