Crimes of Fashion

overpriced denim jacket

How much would you pay for a beat-up denim jacket?

[Buy it here] Can you guess how much this denim jacket costs, Style Sleuths? No cheating, now: don’t go clicking on the link and pretending you knew all along. Just give us your best guess, taking into account the fact that the style is dated, the denim is busted, and it looks suspiciously like its been cobbled together from a pair of jeans. Any guesses? OK, we’ll tell you: this denim jacket will set you back £1,735 British Pounds – or roughly $2,700. Surprised? We were. But then again, not really, because, you know, FASHUN. Only in the wonderful world of high fashion does something become more expensive the worse it looks. If it looks like something you wouldn’t be…

orange Valentino dress

We’re, like, totally obsessed with this orange Valentino dress

Valentino orange silk dress, $3,700 We’ve always hated it when people use the word “brave” to describe someone’s fashion choices. Not only is it something of a back-handed compliment to give someone, (“Oh, that’s such a BRAVE choice!” is generally fashion-speak for, “Wow, what a hot mess!”) it also leaves you with no way to describe things that are ACTUALLY “brave”. If wearing clothes is “brave”, how do you describe someone who runs into a burning building to rescue a kitten, for instance? You’d have no words, would you? (See also: people who use the word “OBSESSED” when what they actually mean is “I glanced at this, and I quite like it, but I’ll have forgotten all about it by the…

bucket shaped skirt

The Story of a Skirt

So, here’s what we think happened: it was The Clothes Ripper. Yes, AGAIN. This poor model was obviously just walking around, minding her own business, as you do. In a $160 bra. Well, we’ve all been there, haven’t we? Maybe everything else was in the wash that day, who knows? Anyway, she’s minding her own business, as we said, when out he pops: THE CLOTHES RIPPER! And he makes off with her trousers/jeans/skirt/whatever she was wearing before this skirt took over. So there she is, poor thing: alone on the street, with just a powder blue bra for cover. What does our quick-thinking model do? She pops into the nearest convenience store, buys herself a cheap plastic bucket, a pair…

asymmetric coat in two colours

Can’t make up your mind which winter coat to go for?

[Buy it here for $928] For most of us, winter coats definitely fall into the category of “investment purchase” – and that means choosing one can be tricky. Because winter coats tend to be one of the more expensive clothing purchases you make all year, and also because you know you’re going to be wearing whichever one you choose every day for weeks, you really don’t want to make an expensive mistake. But what style to choose? Should you go for Dull-But-Sensible black or navy: the workhorse coat, which will go with everything, but never really make you excited to wear it? Or should you go throw caution to the wind, with the Pop-of-Colour coat? Sure, it might clash with…

Help fight these terrible trouser crimes

Please note, Fashion Force: this is not a drill. These are not simply expensive Halloween costumes – even although they look like they are. These are actual fashion items, designed to be worn in your day-to-day life. Tell us, though: would you wear these? [Buy them here for £432] It’s testament to the length of time we’ve been in the fashion crime-fighting business that our first thought upon seeing these wasn’t, “OMG, see-through pants!” but “Well, at least they’re not TOTALLY sheer…” And they’re not. There are some embroidered sections to, er, protect your modesty. Just make sure you wear your best undies with them: we’ll know if you don’t. [Buy them here for £165] We’ve been fighting the good…

foot snatcher

The Foot Snatcher Strikes at Haider Ackermann

The Foot Snatcher is a dangerous fashion criminal who snatches the feet of unsuspecting fashion victims. The Snatcher’s usual weapon of choice is a pair of overly-long pants, however, as these poor models discovered, there are other ways to snatch feet, too: Buy it here for £1650 We THINK that’s a skirt, but it could also be long pants. Or it could simply be a blanket wrapped around the model’s waist. What we DO know is that it surely has to be hard to walk with all of that fabric swirling around your feet ,no? Hard, and also kinda filthy. Imagine the hems of that skirt/trouser/whatever it is after a short stroll along the average city street. Now imagine them…

strange sweaters

Not Your Average Sweaters

It’s sweater weather! No doubt you’ll have already seen a million fashion editorials, and a million-and-one blog posts helpfully informing you of this very fact. Gone are the days when the humble sweater was the “sensible” choice for a cold day, however. No, today’s sweaters are fashion-forward, edgy and unique. And probably not much use on a cold day, come to think of it. Take a look at this suspect, for instance: Costume National Wool Vest, $999 We guess you could layer something under it if you actually wanted to beat the chill in it? You’d still look and feel like you were in a cocoon, obviously, but maybe that’s the point? Along somewhat similar lines, but with fewer cutouts,…

leather trousers

Would it sell on eBay?

We’ve been here before, we know: Jeremy Scott patent lace-up trousers, £1110 Well, not here EXACTLY, obviously. Thankfully we don’t see too many pairs of pants like this as part of mainstream fashion collections, (When we do, though, Jeremy Scott is often responsible…), but there was a trend for patent skirts last winter, and it looks like some factions of the fashion world are attempting to resurrect it for winter 2014. The trousers at the top of the page are a fairly extreme example of this look, but here’s another version, this time from Christopher Kane: Christoper Kane coat, £3,460 This isn’t nearly as bad as the pants (although the fact that we can’t help but imagine them together will…

A contender for the Fashion Criminal of the Year Award

Buy It First things first: there IS no Fashion Criminal of the Year Award. Because we don’t believe anyone should be allowed to profit from crime. If there WAS an award for the fashion crime to end all fashion crimes, however, we reckon this jumpsuit would definitely be a contender. Where do we even start with this one? Let’s see… 01. It’s a Stuck-Together-Clothes Crime. On multiple counts. A shir, stuck a sweater, stuck to leggings, stuck to stirrups… Speaking of which: 02. STIRRUP PANTS. 03. Leggings are not pants: never, ever forget… 04. The Unacceptable Use of Animal Print. We’ll overlook animal print on shoes and other accessories – maybe even on the odd coat, if we’re feeling generous. We…

The Emperor’s New Miu Miu Mini Skirt

Well, well… looks like the Empress has been doing some shopping! This is by Miu Miu, it’s £2,295, and if you’re thinking it’s probably somehow less revealling ON than it looks in the photo, well, you’d be wrong: Seriously. Someone needs to explain this to us. (Preferably in a patronising way: we like that…*) We GUESS we could POSSIBLY see it as some kind of fancy swimwear, but … who pays £2,295 for swimwear? And this model is wearing shoes: we don’t think she’s going swimming, somehow. There’s also the option that you’re supposed to wear a slip of some kind underneath it, with the “skirt” becoming a kind of embellished over-layer for your regular clothes. That would make much…

crimes of fashion: window skirt

(Fashion) Criminal Damage & other crimes of fashion:

This look is by Criminal Damage, which is a good name for the brand that brings us this: This “I made it by cobbling chocolate wrappers together” look is yet another step forward for the “clothes that look like food packets” trend.  We never would have thought there would come a time when there would be a ‘Food Packet’ trend, but it’s here, and it’s growing: we must be ever vigilant. We’re not sure we’d have been on board with this outfit even if it DIDN’T depict chocolate wrappers, mind you, but if you love it, you can buy both sweatpants and top at ASOS. Elsewhere around the web, and arguably ALSO counting as (fashion) criminal damage, our officers unearthed this:…

Crime of Fashion? Ripped knee jeans take over

Ripped jeans have been around since… well, probably since the first person who ripped their jeans by accident and thought, “Hey, this doesn’t look half bad! Kind of edgy and fashion-forward, in fact: I’ll keep wearing these, by God!” There is, however, more than one way for jeans to be distressed (There’s more than one way for The Fashion Police to be distressed, too, actually: this blog is proof of that!), and we’re sure you can’t have failed to notice that the current most popular way looks like this: All jeans: Topshop One very narrow, very precise slit, cut right across the knee of each leg, while the rest of the denim remains untouched. They’re ripped-knee jeans, and they’re everywhere:…

Well, this is awkward.

Some fashions are ugly. Some are just plain awkward. Others, meanwhile, manage to be both ugly AND awkward. Which category would you put this one in… if any? It kinda looks like this Peter Pilotto cape (£790 at Louisa Via Roma) has basically jumped up and grabbed the poor model, who, on the plus side, is surely keeping nice and warm under her blanket-like cape. What about this example? Trousers. With an apron attached. These are a throwback to the “skirt over trousers” look that was briefly popular in the late 90s, and which always made the wearer look like she REALLY wanted to just wear the skirt, but was too scared to show her legs, so decided to just double-up…

Still time to buy the amazing crocheted swimsuit!

Summer may be over, folks, but the fashion world isn’t ready to move on quite yet, and this crocheted swimsuit is currently available at Net-a-Porter, where it’s £190. It’s … really quite something, isn’t it? And we know the “if ya got it, flaunt it!” school of thought is very prevalent amongst the fashion criminal fraternity, when we look at this… … we’re not thinking, “Wow, look at her amazing figure!”* so much as we’re thinking, “Wow, how does she even MOVE in that thing?” And also, “Let’s hope she’s wearing a super high SPF, otherwise she’s going to end up with some serious tan lines in that thing….” Maybe it’s just us (probably), but even if we DID have…

how not to layer

How Not to Layer | A lesson in layering from Zara

Why do fashion bloggers all love fall? Is it because of the crisp air? The golden leaves? The fact that they’re all working from the same Fashion Blogging Rule Book, and rule # 10 states: Thou Shalt Begin Every Post in the Month of September With the Words, “Autumn Is My Favourite Season?” Well, it’s all of those things, really. But it’s mostly about the layering. Here’s what we think of when fashion bloggers start getting excited about the OMGLAYERING: Not all layering is like this, obviously. In fact, what the fashion world likes to call “layering”, as if it’s some kind of complex technique, is what the rest of us simply call, “Getting dressed when it’s cold out.” So,…

Five knitwear styles to avoid this fall

September starts on Monday, which means some of you are probably starting to think about your autumn/winter wardrobes, and, in particular, knitwear. There’s nothing quite like snuggling up in a cosy sweater on a chilly day, is there? Except, of course, the sweater in question is one of these… We don’t know about you, but for £1.085, we’d want the whole sweater, not just the parts of it someone managed to hastily cobble together after it was attacked by The Clothes Ripper. We’re guessing this is an attempt to make the chunky cable sweater in some “edgy”, by use of the now-familiar technique of ripping holes in it to ensure visibility of body parts. Question: is it still “edgy” if…

Has Marc Jacobs taken the trainers trend too far?

Sportwear – or “sportswear luxe”, as the fashion press have been terming it – has been big this season: and it’ll continue to be big long into NEXT season, too. Even those who normally wear heels for the thing most people wear sneakers for, have taken to wearing sneakers for the things most people wear heels for… er, if that makes sense? For many of you, of course, this has been a really welcome development in fashion. At a time when dress codes have all but died out (Once again, we cite the continuing trend for pyjamas/onesies in public and the large number of Google searches this site receives for the term “Is it OK to wear jeans to a wedding?”…

Introducing the Maxi/Mini

It’s not technically true to say that Cheap Monday have “invented” the mini/maxi skirt because, much to our distress, we HAVE, in fact, been subjected to this kind of thing before. (Never with the addition of chunky white shoes, mind you. That really adds something to it, don’t you think?) We’re fairly sure there are some hybrid skirts still doing time in our cells, come to think of it. So, this isn’t a new concept: just one that continues to confound us every time we see it. In the top image, it looks like a wardrobe malfunction, for instance. In the other two images, it… well, it STILL looks like a wardrobe malfunction. Or the result of extremely indecisive dressing,…

Spotted! Footwear Impostors make a comeback

A few years ago, many of The Fashion Police’s arrests revolved around what we termed ‘Footwear Impostors”: boots pretending to be shoes; shoes pretending to be socks – that kind of thing. Footwear Impostors have almost died out in recent years: in fact, we started to think our mission had been successful, and we’d managed to round ’em all up, leaving shoe stores filled with shoes and boots that were exactly what they looked like. THAT’S the sort of footwear you can trust, isn’t it? Now, however, it is with heavy hearts we must report a new sighting of a Footwear Impostor: It could be worse. They could have attached the lurex socks to a pair of Birkenstocks. Actually, we’re…

trousers with pockets at the ankle

New in at Net-a-Porter…

Our officers love browsing the “new in” section at everyone’s favourite designer fashion website, Net-a-Porter. We can’t actually afford to BUY anything, obviously, but sometimes it’s nice to look, isn’t it? Other times, mind you, it’s just plain ol’ PUZZLING to look. What’s going on here, for instance? They’re pants with pockets. Which would’t be even remotely surprising, obviously, except, in this case, the pockets are at the ankles, rather than at the more usual place: the hips (or thereabouts).  We have to assume these aren’t supposed to be used as FUNCTIONING pockets, because how would you stop things from falling out when you walked? We have to admit, though, we’d kinda like to see someone TRY to use them…