Crimes of Fashion

Crimes Against Denim from Cheap Monday

[Buy them here] Imagine, if you will, that you’re wearing your very favourite pair of black skinny jeans. OK, they’re starting to look a little bit grey and worn, but that’s OK, because it just makes them look even better. Some people actually PAY to buy brand new jeans that look like they’ve been worn to death, but you’re no fashion victim, so you’ve worn yours in the old-fashioned way: by actually, you know, wearing them. Some people still do that, apparently. But we digress. There you are, wearing your favourite jeans, when – horror of horrors! – you spill a can of white paint ALL OVER THEM. (Don’t ask us what you were doing painting in your favourite jeans:…

white stilettos with lurex socks

Socks and stilettos, from Jeffrey Campbell

[Buy them here] Remember when white stilettos used to be considered a crime of fashion? Wait, scratch that: you’re all probably too young to remember those days, aren’t you? There was a time, however, when white stilettos were a key part of the whole “Essex girl” stereotype, and were just about as tacky as it was possible for a pair of shoes to get. Those days are long gone, of course, but sometimes once your brain has made a particular association, it can be hard to shake it, so, for us, it’s hard to see white stilettos without also thinking of orange fake tan, long acrylic fingernails (ideally with some kind of diamanté accessories stuck to them), and spidery false…

cropped wide-leg trousers with fringe detail

Fringe Fashion Crimes

1 / 2 You know those home-made posters people put up when they have a room to rent, or something to sell? The ones with the little strips cut into the bottom of the page, each with the person’s phone number on it, so you can tear one off and keep it? That’s what these skirts remind us of: they’re basically just an invitation for each passer-by to tear off a strip of fabric, in the hope that another, nicer skirt, will be revealed underneath. Or a pair of baggy cropped pants, as is the case with the first item. Sadly, we don’t think that would work, even if someone were to attempt it, in a kind of undercover attempt…

tulle hoodie

Who said hoodies were boring?

Ah, the humble hoodie! It’s probably never going to be considered the most stylish item of clothing out there (Then again, we said that about Birkenstocks, and look what happened there. Never say ‘never’, Fashion Force…), but they’re one of those items most of us own anyway. They come in handy when you’re cuddled up on the couch, say, or going for a run on a chilly day. We at The Fashion Police wouldn’t be without a good hoodie or two, but now that we’ve seen this one by Nicopanda, we have to say, we’re looking at hoodies in a while new light. This is a basic black hoodie, of the type you see everywhere. There’s one important exception, however. Can…

The 70s REVIVAL WILL BE WORSE THAN WE THOUGHT

1  /  2 We’ve talked a lot this year so far about the ongoing 70s revival in fashion, and our fears for where this trend might take us. Every time we’ve contemplated the 70s comeback, we’ve crossed our fingers and hoped it might just be OK. We’ve been hoping for an ‘Ali McGraw in Lovestory’ version of the 70s, or a Bianca Jagger-inspired one, say. It’ll never be our favourite fashion era, for sure, but that doesn’t mean it can’t work, if it’s done right: many of our issues with 70s style, after all, are purely questions of personal taste, which is, of course, entirely subjective. We may not like all of the styles that are resulting from this trend,…

socks with sandals

Socks and sandals: no longer a crime of fashion, apparently

ASOS Remember the days when socks with sandals was considered one of the biggest fashion faux pas a person could commit? We do. We miss those days, actually. Back then socks-with-sandals tended to be the sole province of elderly British tourists on holiday in the Costa del Sol. They didn’t look stylish, but they weren’t trying to be, so everyone was prepared to turn a blind eye to the thick white socks and the sensible sandals. (Another variation of this look: shorts worn with dress shoes and black socks.) Those days are gone, however. These days, socks-with-sandals have been embraced by the fashion community. They’re now worn by bright young things: models, fashionistas – anyone who thinks they can pull…

Time to add Louisa Via Roma to your ‘Not Safe for Work’ list

Louisa Via Roma: designer fashion retailer, beloved by fashionistas everywhere. They sell Christian Louboutin shoes, Dolce & Gabbana dresses, exquisitely made handbags… Oh yeah, and this: They describe it (not inaccurately) as a “tulle nun oufit”, and charge £200 for it. Now, don’t get us wrong: we’re not totally naive. We know there are people who probably have a use for this kind of thing – and we’re not talking about actual nuns, by the way – and we offer no judgement on that: it’s the context that was a little confusing. Well, it’s just not the kind of thing you expect to find when you’re window shopping for a designer handbag, or scrolling past the aforementioned  aforementioned shoes, bags and other…

big shoes

Hey, Bigfoot

All items: ASOS Shoes just aren’t fun any more. It’s disappointing, really. Over the course of the last year or two, we’ve watched with growing horror as the world of footwear took a turn for the ugly. We’ve traced the progress back to Jeffrey Campbell’s ubiquitous ‘Lita’ platforms. Rumour has it that at one point you weren’t actually allowed to start a fashion blog unless you were able to provide proof that you owned at least one pair of Litas, and were prepared to wear them in every single outfit photo. From there, it was just a short (albeit clumpy) step to the Birkenstocks and the other orthopaedic styles – many of which are now being worn with socks, as if that…

this is not a Moschino t-shirt

This is not a Moschino t-shirt, it’s a possible crime of fashion

This is Not a Moschino T-Shirt, £860 At this point, policing the world of Moschino feels a little bit like shooting fishing in a barrel: it’s almost like they WANT to be caught by The Fashion Police, isn’t it? Still, we swore a solemn oath to fight crimes of fashion (You should see the Fashion Police swearing-in ceremony: it’s more fun than the MET Gala, seriously…), and we’ll continue to do that, even when we suspect the criminals are deliberately provoking us. Which brings us to this bag, which is NOT – we repeat, NOT – a Moschino t-shirt. Moschino have been working this schtick for a while now, using a heavy dose of self-reflexive irony to gently poke fun…

ripped jeans

Please make it stop.

This is a joke, right? Please, someone tell us this is a joke: we’re not sure we can handle the idea of a world in which people will willingly hand over £116 in order to wear jeans that look like they’re only just managing to hold themselves together. Seriously, if you really MUST make yourself look like this, at least rip up an old pair of jeans you no longer have any use for: it still won’t look good, but at least it won’t feel like taking your money and throwing it down the drain. In comparison to the above, that whole ’70s-revival’ we’ve been talking about is actually starting to sound pretty good. Oh no, sorry, our mistake: it’s…

silk harem jumper

Three pairs of pants you couldn’t pay us to wear

BLACK MESH JOGGERS, $60 As far as we can tell, the sole purpose of these jogging pants (and drop-crotch jogging pants, too! All our least-favourite things, together in one garment!) is to provide a support-system for the two giant pockets which are clearly visible through the mesh fabric. We have no idea why the people who buy these wouldn’t just attach a couple of pockets to a long piece of string and drape it around their necks: it would create more or less the same effect, after all. WRINKLED PANTS, LONG SLEEVES This outfit breaks two of our most fundamental laws of style: 1. Buy clothes that fit you: or have them tailored, if they don’t. 2. IRON YOUR PANTS…

frumpy denim skirt

Denim is about to get ugly

Be honest: you’d hide your face from the camera too if you were wearing something that looked like this, wouldn’t you? Today, Fashion Force, we’re the bearer of bad tidings: denim is going to get really ugly this year. And we thought it was bad enough LAST year! The item at the top of the page (er, whatever it is…) is a dress (or so we’re reliably informed), and here’s what it looks like from the front: To think we’re not even halfway through January, and already we have a contender for the Most Awkward Pose of the Year Award, too! Oh, fashion, you’re really spoiling us! (Note the presence of the now-ubiquitous ugly shoes in this outfit, readers. Every…

suspender jeans

Crime of Fashion? Suspender jeans

It’s our first arrest of 2015, and we really hope this one hasn’t set the tone for the year, because we just don’t think our officers could cope with more than one pair of “suspender” jeans. Actually, it’s hard enough to believe there’s a demand for this pair. They’re $450 for one thing (And that’s the sale price, by the way – they WERE $750), and also, well, LOOK AT THEM. This fashion crime is particularly amusing to us, because one of our very first arrests (We can’t seem to locate it in the archive, and that’s probably a good thing, trust us…) involved a pair of jeans not unlike these in concept, but which were clearly a bad DIY…

Clothes for the Chronically Undecided

Happy new year, fashion fans! We hope you enjoyed bidding farewell to 2014, and a ready to start fighting the fashion crimes which will face us this coming year. Before we do, though, we still have some past crimes to ponder, so today we continue our blast from the past, with a look back at one of the strangest trends to hit the world of high fashion in. We called this trend ‘The Worst of Both Worlds’, however we have to salute the ingenuity of the designers who went out of their ways to provide a style solution for those people who just can’t decide what they want to wear in the morning. Will it be trousers or a skirt?…

the ugliest dresses of the year

The Ugliest Dresses of 2014

We hope all our officers are having a happy holiday season, and taking the opportunity to rest up and get ready for a super-stylish new year. Right now, though, it’s still 2014, and we’re continuing our look back at some of the biggest fashion fails of the year – in our opinion, at least. This time we’re looking at some of the ugliest dresses of the year, and, as with our last roundup, these are all items from our archive , which means you’re unlikely to be still be able to buy most of them – unless you’re very unlucky. Here are some of our least favourite dresses of the year:  Meadham Kirchhoff rubber apron dress 2013 brought us one of…

the ugliest trousers of 2014

The Ugliest Trousers of 2014

The holiday season is almost upon us, and, it being the season of goodwill and all that, The Fashion Police generally like to declare a fashion crime amnesty at this time of year, allowing fashion criminals to go forth and do their worst, without fear of arrest. While our officers take a break from hunting down new crimes of fashion, however, we thought we’d take a quick look back at some of the items already in our jail. We’re starting off with the trousers section, which encompasses shorts, jeans, jumpsuits – anything with two legs, in other words. Or sometimes with just one, actually. Well, you know how these fashion crimes can be. Here are some of what we think…

Prada fake leg boots

Prada’s ‘fake leg’ boots are now available at Yoox.com

Remember Prada’s infamous ‘Look! It’s a prosthetic leg!” boots? We arrested the Mary Jane version back in 2011, but it would appear these possibly weren’t the instant sellout the brand were hoping for, and you can still find the odd pair (and we mean that literally: they’re very “odd”, aren’t they?) floating around the internet. Our officers apprehended this suede version at Yoox.com, where they’re currently selling for an ambitious £506 – although if you don’t wear UK size 4.5 or 5.5 you could be destined for disappointment. (Or a lucky escape, depending on how you look at it.) Designed to create the appearance of a bare leg with a black, ankle-strap pump on the foot, these are Footwear Impostors…

dungaree shorts

Shorts + Dungarees = Crime of Fashion

[Buy them here] It’s hard to imagine the thought process that goes into creating something like this. By that, we mean, it’s hard not to imagine it going something like this: IMPORTANT FASHUN DESIGNER: “Hmmm, I think I’ll design a pair of dungarees. Dungarees have never been cool, so, in making them, I’ll enable people to brag about wearing a “difficult” piece of clothing, and that will make them seem really hip and experimental, because they’ll be eschewing the usual “rules” of flattering your figure etc, and wearing something that indicates they don’t give a crap about how they look. Which will make them look even MORE hip and edgy. Then I will be the designer who made dungarees fashionable,…

dress with four sets of arms

This dress is ‘armful

[Buy it here] It’s not often we get to make the same bad joke twice in quick succession, but having recently shown you the ‘armless coat, we couldn’t resist pointing out its opposite – the ‘armful dress. (As in, it’s full of arms…) Yes, Fashion Force, this dress has twice the usual amount of arms (Although, in its defence, only two of them appear to be functional), and the model looks every bit as confused by that fact as we are. Her facial expression in the second image says it all: she’s all, “Seriously? You want me to WEAR this thing?” Never forget that Modelling Is Hard, people. In addition to the fact that the dress basically has a sweater…

Birkenstocks with socks

Skirt, Sandals, Socks

[Buy here] Back in the summer, Birkenstocks (or Birkenstock-style sandals) all of a sudden became the height of fashion, and every edgy fashionista dutifully rushed out and bought a pair. There they all were, clomping around in hideous shoes, declaring that they’d “always” loved them – even although they had never even mentioned them before that moment, and actually wouldn’t have been caught dead in them until they were officially declared “bang on trend.” Meanwhile, all those people who actually HAD always worn Birkenstocks – mostly for reasons that had absolutely nothing to do with being “bang on trend” – silently seethed at unwittingly being made to look like fashion victims, just for continuing to wear what they liked. These…