Crimes of Fashion

Dolce & Gabbana print

Colourful enough for ya?

Ladies and gentlemen of the Fashion Police jury, the ‘new in’ section of Net-a-Porter this morning: WHOA. We think our eyeballs are on fire. And, you know, it’s not really fair to lump all  of these items together, really. We have a feeling that, on their own, some of them might be fine – in fact, some of them (like the bag, for instance), might actually be quite pretty. Put them all together, though, and… well, it’s just a bit louder than we’d like, first thing in the morning. We’re going to sentence each of these items to solitary confinement for a few days: by which we mean they should only ever be worn with the simplest of colours and…

teddy beardress

The biggest fashion mystery of our times

[Buy it here] Sad times are upon us, Fashion Force. This week we finally realised that as long as there are people willing to wear dresses trimmed with teddy bears – and to pay £1174 for the privilege – the world will never be free from crimes of fashion. You might think that’s a good thing, of course. How boring would it be, after all, if everyone was impeccably dressed and stylish all the time, and no one ever wore a single teddy bear attached to their dress? It would be dull, to be sure. Fashion crimes make the world a far more interesting place – and they also make brands like Moschino a whole lot of money, because, as…

neon shirt dress

Shirt Story

Shirts. We don’t find ourselves arresting them too often here, because, well, they’re shirts. Seriously, how badly wrong can you go with a classic button-down shirt? Well, we’ll tell you. THIS is how badly wrong you can go: [Buy it here] It’s Moschino. Obviously. Well, it’s not like many other brands would pull a stunt like this, is it? They’ll tell you they’re making a little joke, like, “this is how we made your shirt”, but, as always with Moschino, the real joke is on you, because you just paid £680 for something that looks like the pattern for a shirt rather than the shirt itself. If you’ll buy that, however, you’ll probably buy anything, so how about this one:…

orange ASOS dress

There’s Good News and There’s Bad News

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen of the Fashion Police jury: today we bring you good news rather than bad, as Shopbop are offering an extra 25% off their sale prices for the next three days. You’ll find all of the info in the image above: now go forth and shop, and remember that we’re counting on you to lead by example and help fight those crimes of fashion. Crimes like this one, for instance: Seriously, what are we even looking at here? Because, if we didn’t know better, we’d honestly think we were on a fancy dress website, and this was some kind of ‘medieval wench’ costume. But no, it’s from ASOS, so we suppose it’s “fashion”, albeit for petite…

designer handbag

This is what a £1,000 designer handbag looks like

Buy it here Yes, we were a bit surprised too, to be honest. Well, when you hear the words “designer handbag” and “£1000 of your British pounds,” you’re probably NOT expecting it to look like a Pinterest project gone wrong, are you? Just like how the words “biker jacket” don’t normally bring this kind of thing to mind, either: On the other hand, these ARE pretty much what we think of when we read the words “waxed stretch cotton twill cargo pants”: (No idea how the shoes are supposed to be described. Not asking.) And these seem like a pretty standard pair of lurex stretch pants: (Actually, we’re pretty sure we’ve seen these decorating toilets in photos of houses from…

Irregular Choise dinosaur heels

If you love dinosaurs, you’ll love these shoes

We know a little girl who’d probably love these shoes – or the heels of them, at least.  She’s two, though. There is that. And that, in a nutshell, sums up exactly why we’ve never really got the appeal of the vast majority of Irregular Choice shoes. Sure, there’s the odd pair that looks like they may have been designed for adults, but when you find yourself admiring the same shoes as a toddler, you start wondering if perhaps time to re-assess. What makes a grown adult decide she wants to have two plastic dinosaurs attached to her feet? We don’t know, but we’re going to assume that any explanation would include liberal use of the words “fun”, “quirky”, “whimsical”…

http://www.asos.com/ASOS/ASOS-Unitard-In-Tie-Dye-With-Ombre-Fringing/Prod/pgeproduct.aspx?iid=5102693&cid=2623&sh=0&pge=0&pgesize=36&sort=-1&clr=Multi&totalstyles=395&gridsize=3

Festival Fashion Crimes

We realise we’re beating a dead horse here, but… We’re not OK with this. We don’t think we’ll ever really be OK with unitards in a non-dance-related setting (By which we mean, “worn by dancers, gymnasts, etc – not simply “worn on the dancefloor”), but this one is troublesome on so many levels. The plunging neckline, from which the model’s boobs look to be in danger of escaping at any moment; the strange fringing, which makes it look more like a fancy dress costume than an actual item of clothing; THE SHOES. OK, we realise the unitard can’t technically be blamed for the shoes, but there seems to be some un-written rule in fashion right now which states that if…

William Okpo knotted pants

Get Knotted

It’ll soon be shorts season, folks, but we’re not quite there yet, which means many of us are in search of the perfect transitional pieces, to wear now AND wear later in the season: William Okpo knotted pants, $210 Er, these pants aren’t it, by the way: these are just perfect for people who can’t make their minds up whether to wear shorts or pants. Or who really, really like their thighs, and want the world to know it. Faustine Steinmetz destroyed denim jacket, $1,320 The more destroyed something is, and the less wearable it is, the more expensive it is. So, if a denim jacket, say, looks like a denim jacket, and performs the basic functions of a denim…

half dress, half-jacket

Half dress, half-jacket

It’s not often you hear people wondering aloud how they can make their legs looks SHORTER – and by that we mean “it’s not EVER”. Nevertheless, Incotex have set out to find the solution to this totally imaginary problem, and we think they’ve managed it too, with these trousers: Ta da! These will make your legs instantly look out of proportion to the rest of your body, so if that’s what you were aiming for, you now know how to do it. There’s no need to thank us. What if your problem isn’t that your legs are too long, though? What if your problem is that you want to make it clear to everyone that you’re not like all of…

70s fashion

The 70s revival has gone too far

We feel like we’ve been fighting off the 70s fashion revival for months now. Probably because we have. When news of the 70s comeback first reared its head, back in January, we were concerned. We had a feeling this would all go horribly wrong, and that feeling stayed with us, no matter how many people tried to convince us a 70s revival could actually be a GOOD thing. “Open your minds, Fashion Police,” they said, “Allow a fashion era other than the 50s to infiltrate your closets!” (Which was unfair, really: we also like the 40s. And the early 60s.) Still we remained unconvinced. And, OK, I COULD have worked. If people had stuck to the occasional 70s-inspired element –…

New shoes don’t necessarily cure the blues

They say new shoes cure the blues. What if the shoes in question look like THIS, though? We don’t know about you, but our blues have not been cured by these. Our officers found them on Louisa Via Roma, as examples of how (not) to style the equally interesting dress and shorts shown above. Despite searching through all of the shoes on the site, we couldn’t find these for sale: we’d imagine they’re probably by the same brand as the items they’ve been shown with (Au Jour Le Jour), but we can’t be sure, and didn’t feel inclined to take our enquiries any further, having been distracted by these: So. That whole “shoes you can sweep your floor with” trend…

The Ball of Fire Shorts

Ball of Fire Shorts, $535 For once, we’re speechless. It’s… a pair of sports shorts with what appears to be some long, white hair attached to the crotch. And it’s $535. We’ve seen a lot of truly inexplicable items of clothing in our time at The Fashion Police, but this is up there with the strangest of them. The designer, Bernard Willhelm, calls this piece, ” a perfect failure”. We’d say at least one of those words is true: it’s up to you to decide which one. Before we  finish this post, let’s just take a few moments to remember this skirt: Ripped denim skirt, £96 Poor thing. It used to be just an ordinary denim skirt – one you’d…

lace dress

Dresses can be fashion crimes too

[Buy it here] Last week we mentioned that, when it comes to fashion crimes, trousers seem to commit more than their fair share of them. Well, let the record show that dresses aren’t totally innocent either. Take the dress above, for instance. Now, we’re going to bet that a lot of you will like this. It has that whole, “Look, I’m naked under this meagre smattering of lace!” look going on, and people seem to LOVE that for some reason. We don’t, needless to say – we’ve actually had nightmares in which we’re out in public wearing just a meagre smattering of lace – but it’s not the top half of the dress we want to talk about today: it’s…

This is why we prefer dresses.

As our officers parade the mean streets of the Internet’s retail sites, in search of fashion crimes to arrest, there are some types of clothing which are more likely than others to set our radar pinging. We could trawl dress or outerwear sections all day, for instance, and rarely see anything too unusual. Hit up the trousers section, however (Or the jumpsuits section, if there is one – oh lord, the things we’ve seen in jumpsuit sections!) and often we’ll end up having to call in reinforcements. It’s THAT bad. We’ve no idea why it is that trousers, jeans and jumpsuits seem to be that bit more likely to be crimes of fashion, but it’s true. Here are some recent…

fox top

What does the fox say?

[Buy it for £230] Ah, the classic stripe t-shirt! So simple, and yet so effective, especially at this time of year, when it works effortlessly with a pair of jeans or a skirt. It’s an all-time classic… it’s also maybe a little bit boring, though? Don’t you think? So why not give the humble t-shirt a high-fashion makeover, with the addition of two giant, shiny red circles on the shoulders? That won’t look odd at all: One of the ways you tend to see stripe t-shirts worn is with white jeans or shorts, for a fresh, summery look. Might we suggest these? [Buy them for £48] These are sheer white culottes, with built-in shorts, so you won’t have to worry…

jumpsuit with side boob

Shoes to keep your feet dry

Moschino terrycloth mules, £325 First of all, yes, these are by Moschino: how did you guess? (Er, apart from by the name on the label, obviously…) Secondly: no, your eyes do not deceive you – they really are made of terrycloth. As in, the same fabric as your towels, or your bathrobe. On the plus side, at least they’ll keep your feet nice and dry (except they won’t, because the towelling fabric is on the outside of the shoe, not the inside. If it was on the inside, they might have managed to escape Fashion Police arrest, but alas, no.) On the minus side, however… er, where do we start? We guess it basically boils down to the fact that these…

feathered mary janes

Feathered Fashion Fails

This week, our officers identified a troubling new mini-trend: the feathered shoe: [feathered mules] My Theresa describes these as “the epitome of sheer elegance”. We, meanwhile, would describe them more like, “the epitome of roadkill, lying there all sad and bedraggled on the ground.” What’s that you say? They’re NOT actually “bedraggled”? Well, not NOW they’re not, but imagine what they’d look like after you’d taken even a very short walk in them? Even if you only ever wear them indoors, you’re going to end up with clean floors (Which we guess would be kind of cool, actually: you get to clean your house without actually feeling like you’re cleaning your house…), but very dirty shoes. Wear them on a…

Vedder shorts

Eddie Vedder has a lot to answer for

[The Vedder Shorts: Buy them here for $495] We should probably begin this post by issuing a public apology to Eddie Vedder, who, of course, had absolutely nothing to do with these shorts. (Because, yes, those are shorts: the model isn’t just wearing a flannel shirt tied around her waist. Why would she do that, when she can pay almost $500 instead to just LOOK like she’s wearing a shirt tied around her waist?) He does seem to have in some way inspired them, however – at least, that’s what we’re assuming from the name (They’e called ‘The Vedder Shorts’), and the fact that they appear to be some kind of homage to the grunge scene of the 90s, of which…

Rick Owens clog sandals

Crime of Fashion? Rick Owens clog sandals

Rick Owens is no stranger to the inside of a Fashion Police cell: in fact, we’ve investigated his designs so often we consider him to be something of a master criminal. Today, we’re taking a close look at the evidence above: one “90mm clog leather wedge sandal”, according to Louisa Via Roma. We’re glad they cleared that up for us: if we hadn’t read the product description, we’d probably have assumed this was some kind of medieval device designed to allow the wearer to plough fields, simply by walking over them. These will set you back no less than £1,517, and just in case you’re looking at  them thinking, “I love them! But what on earth will I wear with…

dress or bag

Guess What It Is

Anyone feel like hazarding a guess at what this is? Without cheating by scrolling down the page for the answer, we mean? Is it a sleeping bag? A tent? Some kind of Ikea lampshade cover? Because it totally looks like an Ikea lampshade cover, don’t you think? It isn’t, though. Although we’d possibly like it better if it was. No, this colourful item is, in fact… [Buy it] ..a designer dress! Which will cost you £1,172.53. One. Thousand. One. Hundred. And Seventy Two. Pounds. And fifty-three pence. Nope, it doesn’t get any easier to believe the more you say it. Quite the opposite, in fact. What people choose to spend their money on is their business, obviously, but we have…