Crimes of Fashion

strange playsuit

If you saw it in a thrift store…

… would you pay £50 for this playsuit? We’re going to go with “no” on this one – in fact, we’d probably take one look at it and wonder how on earth the staff in the store had let something so obviously past its best under their radar… and who on earth would buy it. If we looked at the price label and saw it was £50, we’d be even MORE amazed – even if it still had the tags on, and was obviously unworn: and we’d be even LESS likely to buy it, obviously! Of course, taste is subjective, and for every officer out there who wouldn’t wear this playsuit even if you paid HER £50, there’s another who’d…

A fringe too far

Well, we’ve once again reached that time of year, when, likely inspired by Coachella and other festivals, fashion designers decide to start pushing fringed items on us, so we can all pretend to be flower children or something. “Festival fashion” has a lot to answer for, basically: especially when people who aren’t even going to festivals start thinking they have to wear some strange, 70s-inspired “costume”, normally involving flower garlands and the likes. But we digress. Here’s an example of a pair of jeans that have been given the “fringe” treatment: with fairly comical results: Jeans: River Island Now, we’re going to assume these will probably be popular. It’s festival season, after all: people are going to look at these…

long scuba swimsuit

From the ‘Where Would You Wear It?” Files…

Mesh leggings. MESH. LEGGINGS. If ever there were two words that should never appear in a sentence, “mesh” and “leggings” would be those words. Alarmingly, these aren’t the worst example we’ve ever seen, but that doesn’t necessarily exonerate them, does it? They definitely wouldn’t pass the “where would you wear them?” test (In which you have two seconds to come up with somewhere to wear the item in question: if you can’t do it, it’s guilty as charged…), let’s put it that way. Three more words that shouldn’t ever been used in the same sentence – or, more accurately, in the same product description: “Long scuba swimsuit“. The “scuba” and “swimsuit” bits we can live with – nothing wrong with that….

fashion infractions

Some minor fashion infractions

Not all crimes of fashion are big ones: the type that would have the Fashion Police swooping down to arrest you, without the chance of bail. Some are just… well, some are just like this: [Buy it here] It’s hard to imagine how they could have styled this in a way that would’ve made the jacket look any worse, or the model any more miserable, huh? She looks every bit as uncomfortable as she would if someone had stolen all her clothes, and some kind passer-by had lent her his several-sizes-too-large denim jacket to protect her modesty. There may well be a way to make this jacket look a whole lot better – this just isn’t it. Actually, we suspect…

Fine feathers make fine shoes… or do they?

FINE FEATHERS MAKE FINE BIRDS… er, we mean shoes. And not so much fine shoes, as “really quite strange shoes“. The kind of shoes you probably wouldn’t be able to wear all that often, because unless you had someone carrying you around on a litter or something, we’re not going to trust those feathers to remain looking pristine for long. And we really don’t think that bedraggled feathers would create quite the same look, somehow… Of course, that’s just us: we can’t ignore the fact that feather-heeled shoes are still much more popular (at least, if what we’re seeing in stores is anything to go by, anyway. There’s sometimes a difference between what fashion brands will try to sell you, and…

crimes of fashion

5 Fashion Crimes You *Really* Shouldn’t Commit

As our regular readers will know by now, our tongues are inserted firmly in our cheeks when we write for The Fashion Police, and most of our pronouncements on these pages are really just a matter of taste. One person’s crime of fashion is another’s most wanted item, and so on and so forth. There are, however, just a few things that we think really ARE “crimes” of fashion: you won’t go to jail for them, but all the same, we reckon you should run, don’t walk, from the following… 01.  Wearing things just because they’re fashionable Hands up everyone who wore Birkenstocks last year, just because they were, like, SO on trend? Have you bought yourself a pair of glove…

jumpsuit that turns into a dress for some reason

Introducing the jumpsuit that’s also a dress

We are so confused right now. ASOS describe this item as an “oversized jumpsuit dress”, which, they point out, “can be worn as a dress or as a jumpsuit”.  We have so many questions: Question # 1: We get that it’s oversized. What we don’t understand is why it’s SO oversized. Like, “oversized” can look cute, and kinda sexy, in an effortless, “Oh yeah, I totally just stole my boyfriend’s shirt,” way… or it can just make you look like you’re wearing someone else’s clothes, and they really, REALLY don’t fit. The fact that this model is looking down at herself, as if to say, “What the HELL am I wearing here?” suggests to us that this outfit falls into…

A solution for people who wear pyjamas in public

Did you see the recent fuss about the headteacher who asked parents to stop doing the school run in their pyjamas, and to think about maybe getting dressed before leaving their homes in the mornings? It was a recent story, but it wasn’t a recent development. Back in the days when The Fashion Police were at school (which, OK, is a long time ago now, but still…) it would’ve been totally unthinkable for anyone’s parents to turn up at the gates in their pyjamas or dressing gowns: in fact, anyone who DID have to suffer the indignity of being seen with pyjama-clad parents back in those days is probably still in therapy, trying to get over the after-effects of the…

isabel marant jumpsuit

Where would you wear it? Foil jumpsuit

Some items of clothing become fashion crimes purely because they’re ugly, while others are just totally impractical. (And some, of course, are both ugly AND impractical: those are the biggest criminals of all…) This one, however… well, ugliness is subjective, and we GUESS you could it practical, depending on what you were wearing it for. It’s probably reasonably warm, for instance – although it’s possible we’re just thinking that because of the fabric’s resemblance to a foil blanket. It doesn’t look too tight or restrictive, and you wouldn’t have to worry about it blowing up in a stiff breeze, the way you would with a skirt or dress. So, OK, let’s say it’s practical: that just leaves us with the…

Furry mules: still a crime of fashion

Well, THIS is disappointing. We really thought that furry slides were one of those flash-in-the-pan fashion trends that would be left well and truly behind us in 2015. One of those trends, in fact, that people would look back on a few months later, and think “what on EARTH was I thinking?” We STILL think that’s probably going to happen at some point, but unfortunately it seems we’re going to have to wait a little while longer for it to happen, because look what we just found at Topshop: yup, furry slides. In a choice of three colours. Is that someone calling the Fashion Police, we hear? These are £56, which seems like quite a lot of money to us…

winter fashion crimes

4 Winter Fashion Crimes to Avoid

Each season has its own set of fashion crimes, that are particular to the season they occur in. Summer, for instance, has socks with sandals, and inappropriate use of swimwear (here’s a clue: if you’re wearing a bikini in a public place that isn’t the beach, pool or jacuzzi, it’s probably “inappropriate”). Winter, meanwhile, has some of these… Not dressing warmly enough for the weather Look, we can’t wait for spring either, AND we hate wearing boots, tights, layers – anything connected to winter, and the idea of being “bundled up”, basically. But when you’re out in the snow wearing short sleeves and bare feet in pumps, it doesn’t really matter how stylish your outfit is – you’re just going…

crime of fashion

Fashion Fails

It’s been a while since we rounded up some potential fashion criminals for you, but the following crimes have been called in by our officers: as for whether they’re innocent and guilty, well, that’s for you to decide… ZARA have a ton of great stuff in store right now, but we’re going to go out on a limb and say this dress isn’t one of them. We don’t think many people would look good in this one, but then again, its crimes suddenly don’t seem all that serious when we compare it to these frayed denim cullotes: So, it looks like frayed denim is going to be A Thing this season, huh? Seriously, though: the drawstring waist. The cut-off legs…

long-sleeved sweater

How to save money on high fashion items

You COULD spend $282 on this paint-spattered shirt: OR you could just spatter paint over an existing shirt for free. (Or for the cost of the paint, if you don’t have it. It probably won’t cost you almost $300, though.) Similarly, you COULD spend £795 on this KitKat inspired clutch bag: OR you could just buy a REAL Kit Kat and carry that around with you instead. You won’t be able to carry your stuff in it, true, but you can’t carry a whole lot of stuff in a clutch bag either, and you can’t eat one either – which you can do with the real Kit Kat. You COULD pay $430 for this extra-long-sleeved sweater: OR you could simply…

goat hair slippers

Gucci Horsebit-detailed goat hair slippers

We seriously thought this was a joke at first. It looks like one, right? Smartly-dressed woman: maybe not everyone’s style, but she looks like she’s made a bit of effort with a classic jeans/blazer/scarf combo. Then you scroll down the page and… NO. No, no, NO. Goathair slippers should not be a thing. Seriously: leave the hair to the goats, people, because this looks absolutely ridiculous AND costs £1,230. When we first laid eyes on them, the fact that they were described as “slippers” made us think they were one of those “hilarious” animal-themed house slippers people like to wear. You know the ones that make you look like you stuffed your foot inside a teddy bear, or a monkey,…

floral print blouse and trousers

Crimes of Fashion Roundup

ASOS are using the never-ending 70s-revival (can you still call it a “revival” if it’s been going on forever? Because we’re starting to think that if this 70s nonsense goes on any longer, it’ll stop being a ’70s revival’ and just be ‘what people wear now’. We really hope that day never comes, but ever pair of knitted flares makes it seem all the more likely…) as an excuse for all manner of fashion crimes. This isn’t even the worst example we’ve seen, but an all-beige knitted “costume” doesn’t seem like a good idea for anyone, really, does it? [Outfit: ZARA] You can cop all the attitude you like, missy: this is a great example of why head-to-toe floral print…

Good Clothes Gone Bad | The Back-Slit Dress

Remember when we talked about when good clothes go bad? Well, here’s another example… [buy it here] Now,  in fairness, this one could’ve gone either way. It’s one of those dresses that got an instant, “OMGLOVEIT!” reaction from us, quickly followed by a, “Or DO I?” The shape is amazing, is as the subtle print, which seems just right for the upcoming winter seasons. Dresses with sleeves are still rare enough to make us want to buy every one we see (Seriously, why so many short-sleeved dresses in winter, fashion designers? Don’t you all get cold? Do you really want us to spoil your beautiful designs by layering cardigans and scarves over the top every single time we wear them?), and did…

strange skirts

Strange Skirts at Shopbop

Strange skirts at Shopbop. Now try saying that fifteen times, fast. Then come and take a look at these skirts, which are pretty far from the usual run of pencil skirts, midis and A-lines… Karla Spetic ‘Hid Hand’ skirt, $525 It must’ve been a real lightbulb moment when Karla Spetic came up with this design, huh? (Sorry, couldn’t resist…) Moschino denim skirt, $550 If you think this one looks strange enough from the front, you might want to also take a look at the back view.  You might also want to consider never bending down in it – or if you do, make sure you’re wearing your best undies. Jacquemus fringe skirt, $336 When we read the words “fringe skirt”,…

faux fur mules

Crime of Fashion | Maison Martin Margiela faux-fur mules

OK, we’re declaring a state of emergency. The fur shoes thing is getting out of hand. All summer we’ve watched as designers presented us with fur-covered shoe after fur-covered shoe. We hated them all, naturally – as far as we’re concerned, there’s never a good reason for a shoe to have fur on it, and whether it’s fake fur or not, it’s still always going to be a crime of fashion – but we bided our time and hoped it was just a flash-in-pan trend. There are even MORE furry shoes on show as part of the autumn/winter collections, however, so the situation seems to be getting worse rather than better. And as soon as we saw these faux fur…

dress with a face

Faces in Places: Anna Sui suede mini dress

Can you see it? Can you see the face on this Anna Sui suede mini dress? Because we can see a face on this dress: and it’s not a happy face either. In fact, it’s a grump, annoyed face – a face that clearly says, “For crying out loud: why am I attached to a stupid suede mini dress? Why wouldn’t I have been a vintage Dior ballgown? Or something Taylor Swift might wear? Instead I’m stuck here with birds for eyes, and a really big nose…” Now can you see it? OK, OK, bad Photoshop is bad, we get it. But you see the face now, right? And now that you’ve seen it, you can’t UN-see it. That’s the…

Balenciaga wool coat

Good coat gone bad : Balenciaga camel coat

It’s always disappointing when a good item of clothing goes bad, isn’t it? We’re talking here about those otherwise perfect items: the ones that SHOULD be on our “Wanted!” list, but which end up in Fashion Police Jail, on a minor misdemeanour. They’re the good clothes gone bad: the ones we’d love if it wasn’t one for one tiny little detail that ruins an otherwise perfect item. We’ve all seen them, haven’t we? There you are, rummaging through the rails in your favourite store, when all of a sudden you see what LOOKS like the perfect dress. Excitedly, you pull it from the rack… only to find that it has a giant cut-out section on the ribs, or it’s completely…