OK, that’s it, we’ve had enough: we’re officially declaring gigantic platform shoes to be an automatic crime of fashion. While there are a few – and ONLY a few – examples of humongous platforms which we DON’T hate, they’re few and far between, and the majority of shoes in this style simply serve to make their wearers look like they’ve been the victim of a “hilarious” prank in which their feet were stuck in cement and left there. Or in which their normal shoes were replaced with horses hooves in the night.
We think this trend has reigned for long enough, so we’ve rounded up these four examples of it, so that you’ll know what you’re looking for when you’re out on patrol. These four footwear Frankensteins are far from the only styles which will create the “hoof effect”, but they’re definitely amongst the more… unusual… takes on the trend. Let’s take a look…
Tread My Lips platforms, $89.99
Modcloth call these ‘Tread My Lips’, which is obviously a play on “read my lips”. Because there’s a giant set of lips on the front. You see what they did there. If you could read OUR lips, meanwhile, you’d be able to see them reading these shoes their Miranda rights before marching them off to jail…
You know when you’re making spaghetti, and you toss it against the wall to see if it’s ready? We can only assume that’s what happened here. It’s a shame, because without the pasta embellishment, these would only have been moderately ugly, and might have escaped our notice. If only they’d taken Coco Chanel’s advice and removed one accessory before leaving the house!
The Tomato Platforms, $239.99
How do you like them… tomatoes?
The Shadow Spike, £140
Jeffrey Campbell doesn’t make ALL of the ugly platform shoes in our cells. Just most of them.
What do you think? Would you wear any of these shoes, or do you consider them to be crimes of fashion?