Frankenshoes: ugly shoes arrested by The Fashion Police

Frankenshoes are what happens when good shoes and bad fashion collide. These aren’t just ugly shoes: they’re footwear monsters, which will haunt your nightmares, and possibly spoil your dinner. OK, not really: they’re just ugly shoes. Here are a few pairs that have tripped our fashion crime radar lately…

ugly shoes with high heel and fur detail on heel

Lavin Frankenshoes

Look, far be it for us to suggest that all footwear should be practical. Far from it, in fact. As far as we’re concerned, a 4″ heel is “low”, and platform wedges are what you wear if you want to give your feet a rest. So we GET the idea of shoes that are pretty-but-impractical. Where do you draw the line with “impractical shoes”, though? Well, how about when the hair on your shoes requires more styling products than the hair on your head? Or just when there’s HAIR on your shoes, maybe? [Buy them]

Flat shoes with bare foot design

Melissa ‘Bare Foot’ ballet flats

One of the great things about shoes is that they prevent you having to walk around barefoot in public. When your shoes are actually designed to make you look like you’re doing exactly that, we’re going to suspect them of being … maybe not crimes of fashion, exactly, but certainly ugly shoes. You’re going to tell us you love these, aren’t you? Will you still say that when we point out that the peep toe will make you look like you have an extra toe floating somewhere above your big toe? We can’t help but think that extra toe will look just a little bit out of place, but we’d be happy to be proved wrong on that… [Buy them]

red and black shoes with face on toe

Alice + Olivia ‘Stacey’ face pumps

Look, we’ve tried, but we just can’t learn to love shoes with faces. OK, we haven’t tried THAT hard. Not hard AT ALL, actually. We don’t believe you should have to TRY to like anything: you either like it or you don’t. Or, as some of our haterz would have it, you either like EVERYTHING or you’re obviously fat and ugly and just JELUS of the people who’re able to pull it off.

Could you pull any of these shoes off, do you think? Or are you fat, ugly, jealous people, like us?

Do you think any of these are ugly shoes?


  • March 4, 2013


    People who put hair or feathers on shoes should be slapped around with a shoe that stepped in dog poop. Shoes get dirty, and making them impossible to clean is criminal, as in they stole that money you paid for shoes when they gave you an art object instead. The floating peep toe is hideous.

    Do people wear faces on their shoes for the same reason butterfly wings have “eye” spots, for camouflage from predators? If not, I don’t get it at all.

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  • March 4, 2013


    I would wear the face shoes without a care in the world except for the fact that I can’t wear a heel higher than 1″, maybe 1.5″. I would like pointing my toes and seeing a little face. And I think these featured are very nice indeed. But any shoe that is going to sweep up the dirt, or make you look deformed – they gotta go!

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  • March 11, 2013


    The Melissa flat is clearly designed to attract podiatrists. If your own second toe would happen to be visible through that strange scuttle on top of the shoe, you would look like an especially strange case of polydactily. To enhance the illusion, you might get that ugly rose-on-pink french manicure on your toes.

    And Lanvin – I thought “Old Nick” was gone as chief designer, and still this?

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