High Waisted Tartan Shorts from Topshop: do not want

You may not think it, but over the course of 2009, The Fashion Police learned to like, if not exactly to love, a few items of clothing that we'd previously always considered to be crimes of fashion.

We learned, for instance, to like high waists on certain items of clothing.

We learned that tartan, if done right, can actually be quite refreshing.

What we did not and will not accept, however, that this combination of the two, as applied to these knee-length shorts from Topshop, which were another find by Fashion Super-Sleuth, Mousy, could be acceptable to us under any circumstances. Because, as Mousy correctly points out, they look a lot like boxers, and not even Topshop's suggestion, "tuck in a tee and wear with thick tights and lace-up boots" can ever remove that association from our minds now.

If, on the other hand, you think these are just the way to start 2009, they're £38. You're welcome.

Harem Pants: now with added patterns

Well, there you go, you learn something new every day, don't you? We, for instance, had firmly believed there was nothing harem pants could do to make us dislike them any more, and as such, we'd decided to bury our heads in the sands on this issue and pretend the world hadn't been infiltrated with droopy-assed pants.

Then we saw these ones (which are actually a harem jumpsuit) at Mina UK, and realised that yes, harem pants can still surprise us. Just never in a good way.

Like we said, you learn something new every day.

Drop-crotch carrot pants by Cheap Monday: the horror!

We discussed the phenomenon that is the carrot-leg pant a couple of months ago, and most of you were of the opinion that this was just another name for the "mom jean" - an assessment that The Fashion Police largely agreed with.

Now it seems that Cheap Monday have decided to take things that little bit further, by adding a small, but noticeable, dropped crotch to the basic "mom jean" shape. We've no idea WHY they would do this: we're of the opinion that if you absolutely MUST wear a dropped crotch on your pants, you may as well make it exaggerated enough that people will realise you're wearing it like that on purpose, rather than just thinking either your pants don't fit, or that you're wearing some kind of diaper under them.

Which is pretty much what these ones look like, no?

Worst drop crotch pants ever?

In terms of sheer ugliness, we don't think these actually ARE the worst drop crotch pants in the world ever. No, they win that title on account of how totally uncomfortable they look. That twisted seam running across the body. The crotch itself, hovering just above knee height. The way that one leg looks so much narrower than the other (that could just be the angle of the photo, of course... but we don't think it is, somehow).  If they're not the ugliest pants in the world, they certainly look like one of the least comfortable, and that's a crime in itself.

If you don't believe us and want to give them the benefit of the doubt, they're by Ann Demeulemeester, they're reduced to £54 and you can buy them here - but only if you're a UK size 10...

Crop Mahdia Harem Pants by Triple 5 Soul - dropped crotch AND see-through

  We've always considered harem pants to be at the very pinnacle of fugliness. It would be hard to find a way to make them less appealing to us, but credit where it's due: Triple 5 Soul have somehow managed it, using the simple technique of making the fabric ever so slightly sheer.

True, these aren't sheer enough to be considered "shants", but imagine wearing them on a very bright day, with the sun behind you. Now, if that doesn't get people staring at your dropped crotch, nothing will.

Do you want people staring at your crotch all day long, readers? If the answer is "yes", these are $41 at Karmaloop.

Jean Print Leggings: it was only a matter of time...

So, skinny jeans. Some of them are really quite "skinny" indeed, aren't they? Almost like leggings, in fact. And denim leggings aren't a particularly new thing, obviously, but then, these aren't denim leggings, either. No, they're denim print leggings. More specifically, they're marble-wash denim print leggings. They'll basically look like someone painted your jeans onto your legs. Which is, er, nice. 

These are being sold at Topshop, where they're £18. The 80s are truly back with us once more, aren't they?

Daylight Robbery: Chloe's cut-out floral leggings

Look, we're sure they're very nice leggings. It's kinda hard to tell from the picture alone, but, you know, they're black leggings, albeit with a floral design - how bad can they be? So we have no quarrel with the leggings. Our quarrel is with the price, because... £750? For leggings? Seriously?

Tell us, readers, are we alone in our surprise at this? Are we missing something? Are these Chloe leggings worth £750, do you think? Are ANY leggings worth £750? Tell us....

Lopsided trousers by Yohji Yamamoto

You're thinking it's just the way she's standing, aren't you? After all, she's leaning forward slightly, weight on one leg - of course the legs of her trouser will look slightly different lengths!

It's not the way she's standing. And it's not "slightly" different lengths, either: these Yohji Yamamoto trousers are designed to help you look like you have one leg longer than the other, and not only that, each leg is in a different fabric too. One shiny, one not, one long, one short - well, they're certainly different, we'll give them that. And "different" is good, right?

If you think so, these are £422 at Yoox.com.

Silver Hammer pants from Mango. *Sigh*

We fear we're fast approaching crisis point with the 'Hammer pants' situation. One or two pairs could've been explained away as an "accident", but seriously, we've started discovering these monstrosities in so many otherwise innocent stores that we've stopped even reporting them here, because the crimes are just too widespread to handle. (Yet still we've yet to see anyone actually wearing them. WHY?)

We had to make an exception for this pair from Mango, however, for the simple reason that they're silver. We think Mango possibly envisaged them being the "dress Hammer Pant" option - you know, the Hammer pants you'd wear on an evening out, when you really wanted to impress someone.

Or maybe they're just the pair you'd wear if you actually want to look like M C Hammer.

Either way, they're $99, if you feel your life really won't be complete without them.

Harem Jumpsuit from All Saints, a.k.a "Fashion Police Public Enemy # 1"

This crime of fashion was reported to us by Mousy, whose name regular readers will no doubt recognise from our comments section. "You're going to love it," said Mousy. "I can just tell." And all we can say to that is, "How well you know us..."

We would say more about this one, of course, but to be honest, we've been curled up in a ball of hysterical laughter ever since we opened the link, and have only managed to uncurl for long enough to type this brief message. Seriously, we know some of you really like harem pants, and we mean no offense to those who do, but when an item of clothing doesn't even look like it's been designed for humans, all we don't know whether to laugh or cry...

For now, we're taking this one into Fashion Police custody. Bail is set at £60, and if you want to release it, you can find it here.

Save or Splurge: High waist pants by Elizabeth and James and Miss Selfridge

They're not exactly the same, but when we spotted the high-waisted trousers on the left of the image above at Miss Selfridge this morning, we were instantly reminded of the Elizabeth and James ones we'd just been oggling at Net-a-Porter, so here they are, awaiting your judgment.

Both are skinny of leg and high of waist (although the Elizabeth and James pants are obviously higher), and both have rows of buttons on the front. Is the extra fabric on the waist of the designer versions worth the extra money, though, or would you save your cash and stick with Miss S?

Would you save or splurge? 

Marc Jacobs velvet jumpsuit: king of the jumpsuit clan

Last week we warned you that designer jumpsuits were trying to take over the earth. We were not joking. This is their leader: the king of designer jumpsuits, if you will. And actually, as jumpsuits go, it's not a hideous one.

The thing about this one, though? It's £2,385 / $3533.

This is why we call it "King". And if you like it, you can get it at Net-a-Porter.

Shant Spotting on the High Street: Organza trousers by Boutique

Ever since shants made their way onto the fashion radar, the Fashion Police have rested easy in the certain knowledge that shants were very much a "catwalk" thing, i.e. designers might trot them out every so often, but they weren't something you'd ever see on the high street.

Until now.

Yes, today our confidence in the "actual stores wouldn't sell them" nature of shants was shaken to the core by the appearance of Boutique's organza trousers on the Topshop website.

Make no mistake, people, these are shants by any other name, and now that they're being sold for £35 per pair in a store frequented by a large percentage of the female population, the Fashion Police are raising the alert level to Defcon 1.

Topshop advise wearing these "with a blazer and heels". We'd like to also add, "and underwear" to that. Please don't forget the underwear...

Kookai's fitted hem trousers, a.k.a. the "harem bloomer"

Ah, our old nemesis, the harem pant, now with added frills: now there's a sight we could've happily lived without!

Actually, we never thought we'd hear ourselves say this, but the dropped crotch on these is actually the least of our worries. No, we're more concerned by the fact that they appear to be cargo pants to the knee, and then leggings from the knee down. So, basically, we're looking at a bizarre, three-way hybrid: harem-pant-meets-cargo-pant-meets-leggings. Now, why in the world would you want to do that, we wonder? (Although, come to think of it, the "legging" part would make them perfect for wearing with long boots. We're using the word "perfect" as a relative term here, you understand...)

Personally we've never found ourselves staring into our open closets, thinking, "Damn, I wish someone would come up with a pair of trousers that were both harem pants AND leggings AND cargo pants", but if you've ever faced just that dilemma, your wishes have been answered by Kookai, who're selling these ones for £82 via ASOS. 

Style on Trial: tartan trousers

Now, we've already made our feelings on tartan pretty clear and our opinions haven't changed, particularly on the "tartan trews" front, as we tend to associate these with elderly golfers and Agyness Deyn, neither of which we particularly want to start emulating.

We're well aware that our irrational bias against tartan leaves us ill-qualified to judge on this one, though, so we ask you, our readers: what do you think of tartan trousers? Will you be wearing them?

(The ones pictured, by the way, are from New Look, just in case you're tempted...)

The Wrong Trousers: Mango's J-L Pincho trousers

Not nearly droopy and baggy enough to be "proper" harem pants, and not high enough in the crotch to give you a fighting chance of looking like you haven't picked up the wrong size of pants by mistake, these trousers from Mango are just thoroughly perplexing in every way. We've already established that the drop-crotch dress pant is all kinds of wrong, but what's strangest about these ones is the half-heartedness of them. It's like they really wanted to be proper drop-crotch pants, but something held them back at the crucial moment, so they ended up looking just a little bit drop-crotched instead.

The effect of this? You won't even look like you've made a conscious decision to wear dropped-crotch pants - a fashion statement, if you will. You'll just look like you're wearing someone else's trousers.

As we said: perplexing

The winners of the Strangest Harem Pants Ever award

Just when we thought harem pants couldn't get any stranger, along come these ones, which weren't even immediately identifiable as harem pants, on account of their looking more like a strangely lopsided skirt. That would have been bad enough, but nope, these are actually pants, as you can see from the image on the right, which shows the cuffed ankle on the longest leg. The fact that we can even use the phrase "the longest leg" to describe a pair of trousers says it all, doesn't it?

These are by Love Our Stuff and are £72 at ASOS. If you visit the ASOS website and click on the "view catwalk" button, you can see them in action and judge for yourself how comfortable they'd be to wear. "Not very" is our guess, judging by the model's gait, but let us know what you think.

Trousers with skirts attached to them: spotted!

Remember a couple of weeks ago, when we were reminiscing about the 90s trend for trousers with skirts attached to them? Well, we found an example for you, and as it turns out, that trend may not be quite so "nineties" after all, because if you like it, you can buy this trouser/skirt combo for the "bargain" price of £528 from designer Yohji Yamamoto. Or, of course, you could just wear an existing skirt over an existing pair of trousers, save yourself the £528, and create exactly the same effect - although we'd guess the "double waistband" you'd be dealing with if you chose to do that could end up being a bit of a pain...

Is this a look you would go for, readers, or do you want to just send it right back to the 90s?

Fashion Trends: seven-eighths trousers, a.k.a. "ankle length"

One thing the fashion world is very good at is making up new names for old clothes, perhaps in the hope that it'll trick us all into believing the style is something new and different, rather than just the same old, same old. Witness, for instance, the "seven-eighths trouser", more commonly known as "ankle length" or "ankle grazers".

These are longer than capris but shorter than "regular" trousers, and unlike the peg-legs we featured earlier this month, they don't have to be tapered, but are generally the same length all the way down. All well and good, but what do you think of them? We have to admit to a certain fondness for this style, although we think it can be a little hard to pull off without looking like your trousers are just too short in the leg, no?

The ones shown above are by Elizabeth and James, and are $275 at Shopbop, but there are lots of these around at the moment. Will you be wearing them, though?

Peggy Noland's drop-crotch leggings: still Public Enemy # 1

We know we've featured Peggy Noland's drop-crotch leggings before here at The Fashion Police, but every time we find them still being sold somewhere, another little bit of our faith in humanity disappears, so when we discovered the shocking images above at Karmaloop today, we knew our Public Enemy # 1 was still at large. And when we say "large", we're talking mostly about that crotch...

So, at the risk of repeating ourselves, we say to you now, readers: this is NOT OK. Ever. Under any circumstances. Now, let us never speak of this again...

Daylight Robbery: Marc by Marc Jacobs leggings

We should probably begin here by saying that the idea of paying $158 for ANY pair of leggings is anathema to The Fashion Police, because:

a) We're poor
b) And slightly stingy
c) We know we can buy them for about £5 in H&M
d) They're leggings

These ones by Marc Jacobs, however, have surprised us even more, however, because, as well as serving all of the purposes leggings usually serve, these ones will allow you to create the impression that you got yourself a couple of bad leg injuries that've had to be bound up nice n' tight. Is THAT what justifies the $158 price tag, we wonder? Is it the glitter, perhaps? Or is it just the Marc by Marc Jacobs brand name on the label? You decide...

Genie Pants: like harem pants, but without the dropped crotch. (Thankfully)

By now you all know where The Fashion Police stand on the harem pants issue: we hate them, and judging by the responses we tend to get to our harem pants posts, many of you (although not all of you) agree with us.

What if there was a slightly more palatable version of harem pants, though? One that had all the comfort of the offending pants, but without the appearance of a full diaper hidden beneath the waist? What would you think of those, we wonder?

Well, there is: they're called "genie pants", and they're basically, wide, cuffed jogging pants. You know, just like genies wear? The ones shown above are by Brochu Walker and are $345 at Shopbop. Now, we've said it before: we're just not fans of cuffed ankles anyway, and especially not elasticated ones, which tend to ride up the wearer's legs, leaving them with their pants at two different heights. That may not happen with these ones, granted, but we also think all that fabric flapping around the ankles would start to annoy us pretty quickly, which is why we'd have to say "no" to these. What about you?

Outfits for the Indecisive: Maison Martin Margiela's leather trousers/skirt combo

Hey, does anyone here remember a brief trend back in the 90s for trousers that had a skirt attached to them? Anyone? They were just regular, tailored trousers, of the kind you'd wear to an office job, say, but they'd have this little "pelmet" style skirt over the top of them. What did you think of that trend, if you do remember it?

We have to say, it wasn't a look the young Fashion Police were ever into, but if you like to layer, find it hard to choose between trousers and skirts when you're getting dressed in the morning, and were secretly hoping that trend would make a comeback, your luck could be in. Here's Maison Martin Margiela's updated version: true, both items are leather, and you'd probably not want to wear these to the office, but it is a skirt and trousers in one, and if that's what you're looking for, you can pay £798 for it at Yoox.com.

Fashion Trends: Peg leg trousers

We touched on this subject earlier this month when we discussed Miss Selfridge's carrot leg jeans, but we thought the topic was worth revisiting because there's more than just a single pair of jeans involved here, folks. Those so-called "carrot legs" weren't just a one off: the more popular current term for the style is the "peg leg", and this "peg leg" is being touted by the fashion press as "the look of the season".

So, what do we think of it?

Well, in reference to the jeans, we called it the "mom" jean. It's basically a tapered, cropped leg, topped off by a generally pleated front, with some volume around the hips. It's the "volume around the hips" bit that worries us. We, you see, don't really need any extra volume around the hips, and while we haven't actually tried any peg legs on for size, so to speak, we can't help but feel that if we did, we probably wouldn't really want to look in the mirror too long afterwards.

Still, this look is one we're probably going to be seeing more of, so next time we're out shopping we may just have to grab a pair of "pegs" and try them on, just to see if our suspicions are correct, you understand.

What about you, though? Is this a look you're willing to try, or is yet another style that would have been better off left back in the 80s?

Future Classics lumpy-leg trousers: presumably they look better on...

To be fair, judging by the picture of these jodhpur-style trousers on the mannequin (see it here), they actually do look better on than they do in this picture, which, quite frankly, makes them look deformed.

Now, we have a few easy rules when it comes to buying clothes, and one of them is that if the item looks like it has some seriously saggy hips and knees even when it's not being worn, it's probably not going to flatter us. Let's face it, we need all the help we can get here, after all: we're looking for clothes that'll help hide our lumps and bumps, not create new ones, and while we understand that may be an "edgy" and "uber cool" look according to the Matches Fashion, we think we can probably learn to live without being "edgy" and "cool" if it means we get to escape the hip bags.

What do you think, readers? Could you make these trousers work for you? If you could, you'll find them over at Matches, where they're £218.

The Emperor's New Leggings

"Why are they showing us a picture of a model in a sweater when the title refers to leggings?" you're wondering. "Where are the leggings? We were promised leggings and we want leggings, dammit!"

Take a closer look.

Yup, they're sheer leggings. Leggings that are... all but invisible to the naked eye. And you know what we're going to ask now, don't you? Yes, we're going to ask, WHY? Why would you need such things? They won't offer much in the way of warmth, you can't really see them, and, to be perfectly honest, we think these could be in with a good chance of winning the Most Pointless Item of Clothing in the Whole World Ever award, if such an award existed. Which, by the way, it totally should.

Just to add insult to injury, these invisible leggings are £49 - almost $100.

Emperor's new clothes, anyone? Or are we missing something here?

(If we are, and you want them, you can buy them here....)

Garthe Pugh's jodhpur sweat pants. Yes, you DO look a bit "hippy" in them...

Oh, Gareth Pugh, bless you! We know you've got that whole pointy, angular thing going on, but we think these are your best efforts yet! And £255 for sweat pants? Oh, you japester, you!

(Wear these with the zip front sweater dress - which is actually almost short enough to double as just a sweater - for maximum, pointy impact. Go on, we dare you...)

Drop Crotch Crimes: Denim "bloomers" from Cheap Monday

Aww, would you look at that, folks, it's baby's first power suit! Only problem is, these "bloomers" by Cheap Monday aren't for "baby" - they're for you. Yes, you. And as if the elasticated hems, dropped crotch and general "I'm totally wearing a diaper underneath these" appearance of them isn't bad enough, we're just totally confused by the fact that this model is wearing them with a smart pair of dress pumps, of the sort you'd wear to the office. Why would you do this, we wonder? Is it some strange twist on Casual Friday? 'Bring Your Bloomers to Work' Day? An office where bathroom breaks are forbidden? Or just another drop crotch fashion crime? You decide. We're too busy banging our heads repeatedly against a brick wall in sheer frustration...

Leopard print tracksuit from River Island tests Fashion Police patience

You know, we're starting to think we've been too lenient in the past when it comes to animal print clothing. The problem with these borderline fashion crimes is that if you give them an inch they'll always end up trying to take the proverbial mile, and we'd hate to think our tolerant stance on the issue of leopard print shoes and accessories (and lets be honest here - we're not just tolerant towards them: we love 'em) has been instrumental in the creation of this leopard print velour tracksuit from River Island.

Just to be clear here: we're not all that keen on velour tracksuits at the best of times, but we don't think leopard print versions are ever OK. The fact that people will undoubtedly wear this one with the pants stuck into a pair of Ugg boots just makes this particular item even harder to understand. Are you with us?

If, of course, the answer to that question was "no", and you really want to set these items free from the Fashion Police jail, bail is set at £24.99 for the jacket and £19.99 for the pants. Do you want to spring 'em, though?

Harem Horrors: Dorothy Perkins' black droopy jumpsuit

Oh my. What the hell happened here, Dotty P? We're slowly getting used to the sight of harem pants cropping up (or dropping down, as the case may be) here, there and just about everywhere this season, but this jumpsuit doesn't just have a (slightly) dropped crotch, it appears to have dropped hips, too.

"WHY?" is our immediate question? Because this appears to come with love-handles and stretch marks already built-in, and that just... well, it doesn't seem like it would be the most flattering item of clothing you'd ever own, does it? It's basically a Saggy-Skin Suit, and we can see no sense in that at all.

Are we wrong, readers? Do you think you could make this outfit work? If so, you can buy it for £40 at Dorothy Perkins.

The L.A. Legs Leggings - wear a map on your butt

Ever got lost in L.A.? Planning a trip there? Don't forget to take a map, then - and what better way to make sure you always know where to go than by actually wearing that map on your butt and legs? (Well, there is SatNav....) Of course, from a distance you're probably going to look like you just have lots of really visible veins on your naked legs - some of them red ones - and you're going to have to decide whether that's something you can live with. If it is, these are $64 from Karmaloop. Personally, we think we'll just stick to the SatNav...

How not to wear leopard print

Our rule of thumb regarding animal print is that a little goes a long way. A very long way.

Another rule of thumb we've adopted recently is that animal print should never be pink. Or indeed, any bright colour that animals themselves wouldn't wear.

Just for the hell of it, let's add another rule to that mix. Let's say animal print should stay the hell away from your thighs. It may seem arbitrary, we know, but animal print on thighs... it just doesn't seem like such a great idea to us, you know?

By following rules, we believe it is possible to wear animal print responsibly. It won't be possible to wear these pink, leopard print capris from River Island, of course, but hey, you can't have everything, can you?

Shant Spotting: Sheer pants by Ann Demeulemeester

Remember last season, when every second designer seemed to be sending models in sheer pants down the runways, and all we ever heard from the fashion press was how sheer clothes were going to be, like, SO HOT this year? Remember how that didn't actually happen, on account of the fact that most people were just too damn sensible to want to go out in public with their underwear on display? Yeah, us too.

We'd actually started to think shants were just a myth. No one was wearing them after all, and none of the stores seemed to be selling them (or none of the ones we frequent, anyway), and so it was that The Fashion Police started to breathe a little easier, secure in the knowledge that the world was safe from sheer, and we could go back to eating doughnuts and ogling the shoes on Net-a-Porter.

Well, it looks like we spoke too soon. Just as we had put the sheer pants out of our minds, we came across these ones by Ann Demeulemeester over at Yoox. Unlike most of the other pairs of shants our eyeballs have been assaulted with over the past year, these aren't chiffon, but broderie anglaise. That doesn't make it any better, just so you know. If you don't believe us, look at the back view.

These have been reduced to £74, but the bad news is that they're sold out in all but one size. (Size 10, if you're interested). That means people must actually have been buying them. (And wearing them.... where?) The Fashion Police are on a heightened state of alert. And so should you be, Fashion Force: so should you be...

Tailored harem pant crimes on the rise, Dries Van Noten is latest culprit

What's this? More tailored harem pants? Oh, say it ain't so! We thought the ASOS crime was a fluke, a one-off, a never-to-be-repeated crime of fashion, but no, it seems that the dropped crotch is like the serial killer of the fashion world, and here it is popping up - or rather, dropping down - on these Dries Van Noten wool trousers. Admittedly, the dropped-crotch element of these creations isn't quite as extreme as some we've seen, but it still ain't pretty, and like the lace stirrup leggings and hooded all-in-one before it, we find ourselves wondering: where the hell would you wear them? Other than to the Fashion Police jail, obviously...

Tailored harem pants: just as bad as regular harem pants, maybe worse

Look, if you absolutely must wear harem pants (and we'll be honest, we can't think of a single situation in which a dropped crotch would suddenly become a "must". Or maybe we just don't want to), we reckon they should be soft and slouchy: the kind of thing you'd wear for lounging around the house or, at a push, on holiday.

These ones, though? These ones are tailored. Yes, tailored harem pants. That would imply they're meant to be worn in formal, or semi-formal situations, like work and things like that.

We think that's all kinds of wrong. Do you?

Arrogant Cat's gold leather-effect trousers: designed for those with better butts than ours...

Well. That's certainly one way to get some attention for you and your derriere. We can't say it'd be our way, but of course, we're not rock stars. And we don't own a butt bra.

If you do, and you want to pay £99 to look like your legs have been spray painted gold, be our guests over at Discoo...

Daylight Robbery: Alexander McQueen's tailored all-in-one

£1,045. One. Thousand. And. Forty. Five. British. Pounds. Or, to put it another way, $2984 US.

That's how much it'll cost you to buy Alexander McQueen's tailored all-in-one, and even assuming that the tailoring is second-to-none (which it probably is) and the fabric (50% acetate, 50% viscose, in case you were wondering) the last word in luxury, we're still looking at a plain black jumpsuit here. One which has the faintest suspicion of the "dropped crotch" about it, too.

Is it worth £1045? We're going to go with "no", here. Even putting our inbuilt dislike of jumpsuits aside for the moment, and acknowledging that this piece is simple enough to be made to work, it's still just a rather ordinary black jumpsuit, the likes of which we're pretty sure we could pick up for less than $2000, if we really wanted to.

Is it worth it to you, though? You tell us...

Wear or Die: Animal Instincts

The Fashion Police have noticed that a lot of our readers don't like animal print. This is a shame, because guess what we have for you to try on for this week's Wear or Die? Did you guess "animal print"? Good guess!

Yes, today your choice is between the leopard print leggings on the left, or the dress on the right, which seems to used the prints of quite a few animals to create this, umm, "unique" effect. Poor animals. And poor you, because, according to the rules of the game, if you don't choose one of these items to wear, you die!

Which leaves our only remaining question: which item will you choose?

Style on Trial: lace stirrup leggings by Kova & T

According to Shopbop, these are "just the leggings we've been waiting for". We really hope they're speaking for themselves there, because although The Fashion Police have learned to tolerate regular leggings in certain, carefully controlled situations, when we look at the picture above, we can't help but think Madonna would've loved these in her "Desperately Seeking Susan" days, and that's not a look we're keen to see come back. Oh, and they have stirrups on the bottom, and in our book, that's never right. We're not even going to get into the $110 price tag...

Just to test that our reactions to these lace leggings are sounds, however, we've decided to put them up On Trial and find out what you, the jury, think of them. Are you with us in thinking that these should be sent straight back to the early 80s, or do they make you want to Get into the Groove in them? And what would you wear them with, if so?

[Product: Kova & T lace leggings]

Lindsay Lohan's leggings and ankle gloves now available at Shop Intuition. Yes, "ankle gloves"...

We first brought you images of Lindsay Lohan's new leggings line back in May. Since then, we're sorry to say we still haven't worked out what the knee pads are for. And we don't think we want to know. If you have a use for that kind of thing, however, the leggings are now available to buy at Shop Intuition, with prices ranging from $99 - $132. Now, clearly we haven't seen the leggings in question, so we don't know what the quality is like, but those kind of prices seem almost like crimes of fashion themselves, don't you think? How much do you usually pay for leggings? We know we get ours from H&M for less than £5, so we'd be interested to know in what way the zips, knee-pads and "glimmer" justify these kinds of prices from La Lohan.

To be completely honest, though, the leggings are the least of The Fashion Police's worries right now. No, we have a much bigger bone to pick with LiLo over the ankle gloves:

Now, we don't know. Maybe you young 'uns will find something wonderful about these: something that will make you want to pay $42 for them. All we can say is that something about them made us instinctively recoil in horror and wonder how it was that Lindsay managed to escape from the Fashion Police jail for long enough to create these?

You can shop from Lindsay's '6126' line here. Will you?

La Redoute take harem pants to new levels of fugliness

You don't have to tell us: we know. We know there's very little on the subject of harem pants that hasn't already been said by us, but we're going to repeat the message one more time, just for the benefit of La Redoute, who are becoming repeat offenders on this subject.

La Redoute, we just want you to know that the images seen above? Are NOT OK. We repeat: NOT OK. What you've essentially done here is taken a pair of ordinary khakis, and a pair of ordinary camouflage pants, and committed a "drop-crotch" crime so terrible it hardly bears looking at. One last time, La Redoute: IT'S NOT OK.

Now, we don't want to have to speak to you about this again, understand?

[product page]

Super-high waist pants: hopefully not the next big thing...

You all know how we feel about high waist pants. To say they're no friends of ours would be like saying that hey, Britney didn't look so good for a while there, hmm? So, all we're going to say about these full body cover pants by Society of Rational Dress is that we hope they're not the shape of things to come, because if they are? We really think we might go blind...

[via Trendhunter]

Style on Trial: Metallic silver trousers from Topshop

Metallic trousers baffle us. They seem like the kind of thing you could only ever get away with wearing if you were:

a) a rock star

or

b) a visitor from the future

So, not exactly the most versatile item of clothing you'll ever own, then.

Topshop are selling these ones for £50, though, and the fact that they're being sold on the high street makes us wonder if the streets of the UK are about to start looking like the set of some strange sci-fi fantasy, with the sun glinting off thousands of pairs of silver-clad legs.

Is this scene about to become a reality? In other words, would you wear these metallic trews, or are they, in fact, a crime of fashion? Your opinions are welcomed...

Knit Your Own Leggings! (Only don't, please. We implore you.)

OK, that's it knitters, we've had enough: we want you to come out with the knitting needles above your heads... That's right, keep 'em where we can see 'em. And the high-waisted knitted leggings? In the fugly colours? We want you to bring them out too. Now we never want to speak of this matter ever again...

(Thanks to Jen for the report!)

Crimes of eBay Fashion: Cut out flares

We can only imagine the conflict that must have raged in the mind of the person who designed these trousers. "I really want to wear some funky flares to the club tonight... But I also want to show off as much of my flesh as is humanely possible... What to do? What to do?"

These trousers were the result of that light bulb moment when the scissors came out and the diamond cut flares were born. A moment that will live on in infamy indeed...

Style on Trial: Cuff legged pants

Pants with cuffs at the ankles: we've always been suspicious of them. Why is this, do you think? Is it because they remind us of harem pants? Is it because they make us think of joggers? Is it just because they've managed to give even this perfectly-formed model the illusion of having the cankles from hell? Or is it all of the above?

We suspect that last option is the answer, here. The thing is, unless you're planning on walking through a pit of snakes, or taking part in some other activity in which having beasties crawl up your pants is a very real possibility (If you are, write us!), we just can't find a whole lot to love about the cuffed pants. There's just something very 80s about them, and we're not down with that. At all.

What about you? Do you appreciate the pants with cuffs, or do you want us to just... cuff 'em? (Sorry.)

(These ones, by the way, are by Mayle, and are $415 at Shopbop)

Crimes of eBay Fashion: Lace trousers

Fashion Police tip of the day, folks: never search eBay using the keywords "lace trousers". (Yes, we know we did it, but we're trained professionals, and it's our job to track down these crimes of fashion for you...) If you do, you're likely to find something that looks a little bit like the outfit on the left, and that's just not pretty, is it?

Now, ordinarily we would turn a blind eye to this kind of fashion infringement, believing it to be the kind of "specialist" outfit that's designed only to be worn in the bedroom. (Of course, why you'd want to look like a Fashion Criminal in the bedroom is beyond us, but hey, it's your sex life.) The seller of these fine items, however, insists that they're the perfect way to turn your bikini into "the perfect evening outfit", and we have to take issue with that.

This is not the perfect evening outfit, people: this is the kind of outfit that should never be allowed out in public, ever. Capiche? And for those of you thinking of buying it to "delight" your other half with, a word from the wise: white knickers under black lace? No. Just... no.

Draped Bustle Pants: even uglier than harem pants?

You know, sometimes we get bored of having to always buy clothes that flatter our figures and make us look like actual human beings. Sometimes we just want to throw caution to the wind, and buy us some clothes that'll make us look like we have weird, drapey bits dangling from our hips - and which will make our hips look much bigger than they actually are, into the bargain. Where could we buy some clothes like that, do you think?

Oh, of course - eBay. Silly of us to even ask...