Trousers/Pants

isabel marant jumpsuit

Where would you wear it? Foil jumpsuit

Some items of clothing become fashion crimes purely because they’re ugly, while others are just totally impractical. (And some, of course, are both ugly AND impractical: those are the biggest criminals of all…) This one, however… well, ugliness is subjective, and we GUESS you could it practical, depending on what you were wearing it for. It’s probably reasonably warm, for instance – although it’s possible we’re just thinking that because of the fabric’s resemblance to a foil blanket. It doesn’t look too tight or restrictive, and you wouldn’t have to worry about it blowing up in a stiff breeze, the way you would with a skirt or dress. So, OK, let’s say it’s practical: that just leaves us with the…

William Okpo knotted pants

Get Knotted

It’ll soon be shorts season, folks, but we’re not quite there yet, which means many of us are in search of the perfect transitional pieces, to wear now AND wear later in the season: William Okpo knotted pants, $210 Er, these pants aren’t it, by the way: these are just perfect for people who can’t make their minds up whether to wear shorts or pants. Or who really, really like their thighs, and want the world to know it. Faustine Steinmetz destroyed denim jacket, $1,320 The more destroyed something is, and the less wearable it is, the more expensive it is. So, if a denim jacket, say, looks like a denim jacket, and performs the basic functions of a denim…

The Ball of Fire Shorts

Ball of Fire Shorts, $535 For once, we’re speechless. It’s… a pair of sports shorts with what appears to be some long, white hair attached to the crotch. And it’s $535. We’ve seen a lot of truly inexplicable items of clothing in our time at The Fashion Police, but this is up there with the strangest of them. The designer, Bernard Willhelm, calls this piece, ” a perfect failure”. We’d say at least one of those words is true: it’s up to you to decide which one. Before we  finish this post, let’s just take a few moments to remember this skirt: Ripped denim skirt, £96 Poor thing. It used to be just an ordinary denim skirt – one you’d…

Vedder shorts

Eddie Vedder has a lot to answer for

[The Vedder Shorts: Buy them here for $495] We should probably begin this post by issuing a public apology to Eddie Vedder, who, of course, had absolutely nothing to do with these shorts. (Because, yes, those are shorts: the model isn’t just wearing a flannel shirt tied around her waist. Why would she do that, when she can pay almost $500 instead to just LOOK like she’s wearing a shirt tied around her waist?) He does seem to have in some way inspired them, however – at least, that’s what we’re assuming from the name (They’e called ‘The Vedder Shorts’), and the fact that they appear to be some kind of homage to the grunge scene of the 90s, of which…

The 70s REVIVAL WILL BE WORSE THAN WE THOUGHT

1  /  2 We’ve talked a lot this year so far about the ongoing 70s revival in fashion, and our fears for where this trend might take us. Every time we’ve contemplated the 70s comeback, we’ve crossed our fingers and hoped it might just be OK. We’ve been hoping for an ‘Ali McGraw in Lovestory’ version of the 70s, or a Bianca Jagger-inspired one, say. It’ll never be our favourite fashion era, for sure, but that doesn’t mean it can’t work, if it’s done right: many of our issues with 70s style, after all, are purely questions of personal taste, which is, of course, entirely subjective. We may not like all of the styles that are resulting from this trend,…

ripped jeans

Please make it stop.

This is a joke, right? Please, someone tell us this is a joke: we’re not sure we can handle the idea of a world in which people will willingly hand over £116 in order to wear jeans that look like they’re only just managing to hold themselves together. Seriously, if you really MUST make yourself look like this, at least rip up an old pair of jeans you no longer have any use for: it still won’t look good, but at least it won’t feel like taking your money and throwing it down the drain. In comparison to the above, that whole ’70s-revival’ we’ve been talking about is actually starting to sound pretty good. Oh no, sorry, our mistake: it’s…

silk harem jumper

Three pairs of pants you couldn’t pay us to wear

BLACK MESH JOGGERS, $60 As far as we can tell, the sole purpose of these jogging pants (and drop-crotch jogging pants, too! All our least-favourite things, together in one garment!) is to provide a support-system for the two giant pockets which are clearly visible through the mesh fabric. We have no idea why the people who buy these wouldn’t just attach a couple of pockets to a long piece of string and drape it around their necks: it would create more or less the same effect, after all. WRINKLED PANTS, LONG SLEEVES This outfit breaks two of our most fundamental laws of style: 1. Buy clothes that fit you: or have them tailored, if they don’t. 2. IRON YOUR PANTS…

dungaree shorts

Shorts + Dungarees = Crime of Fashion

[Buy them here] It’s hard to imagine the thought process that goes into creating something like this. By that, we mean, it’s hard not to imagine it going something like this: IMPORTANT FASHUN DESIGNER: “Hmmm, I think I’ll design a pair of dungarees. Dungarees have never been cool, so, in making them, I’ll enable people to brag about wearing a “difficult” piece of clothing, and that will make them seem really hip and experimental, because they’ll be eschewing the usual “rules” of flattering your figure etc, and wearing something that indicates they don’t give a crap about how they look. Which will make them look even MORE hip and edgy. Then I will be the designer who made dungarees fashionable,…

Help fight these terrible trouser crimes

Please note, Fashion Force: this is not a drill. These are not simply expensive Halloween costumes – even although they look like they are. These are actual fashion items, designed to be worn in your day-to-day life. Tell us, though: would you wear these? [Buy them here for £432] It’s testament to the length of time we’ve been in the fashion crime-fighting business that our first thought upon seeing these wasn’t, “OMG, see-through pants!” but “Well, at least they’re not TOTALLY sheer…” And they’re not. There are some embroidered sections to, er, protect your modesty. Just make sure you wear your best undies with them: we’ll know if you don’t. [Buy them here for £165] We’ve been fighting the good…

ZARA autumn 2014

Trends on Trial | Baggy Trousers

This season, ZARA is carrying a lot of stuff like this: All items: ZARA And, OK, they’re not all “baggy”. Not exactly. Some are just stretchy. And have obviously been victimized by our old enemy, The Foot Snatcher.  Others, meanwhile, look a lot like sleepwear, or yoga pants, or some other kind of “not necessarily intended to be worn as a fashion statement… or as outdoor clothes” garments. These ARE meant to be worn out of doors, and they’re quite a departure from the usual round of super-skinny jeans and leggings-as-pants which have reigned supreme over the fashion world for years now, so we naturally want to know what you think of them. To take the case for the defence…

Fashion Crimes: The ‘That Can’t Be Comfortable’ Edition

There are two types of fashion crime in the word: the clothes we wouldn’t want to wear because of the way they LOOK, and the clothes we wouldn’t want to wear because we just can’t imagine ever feeling comfortable in them. Sometimes the discomfort is the literal kind: Leather square gusset shorts, $510 Leather shorts don’t strike us as particularly comfortable at the best of times (IS there a “best time” for leather shorts, we wonder? ), but leather SQUARE GUSSET shorts? Nuh-uh? Even if that leather is the buttery-soft variety, can you imagine walking around with all that bunched-up leather between your legs? (Sorry, there just wasn’t a non-vulgar-sounding way of putting that…) Even worse that these are shorts, so…

The Emperor’s New Fendi Trousers

Well, whaddya know: it looks like our old friend The Emperor got himself some new trousers! [Buy them here for £136] It’s hard to be sure just from the evidence before us, but we THINK what we’re looking at here is a pair of tights, with a useless, totally sheer skirt attached to them. Which is awesome, because how many times have you been getting dressed in the morning and thought to yourself, “If only these tights had a flo0r-length, almost-invisible skirt attached!” SO many times. But actually, no, no times at all. We can’t even IMAGINE thinking that. We’re not sure why anyone would? Oh, and we also think what we’re looking at here is the model’s bare ass….

ASOS awkward length trousers

Even ASOS think these trousers are an awkward length: would you wear them?

ASOS awkward length trousers, £35 When these trousers first appeared on the ASOS website yesterday, the product description called them “awkward length trousers”: in fact, they’re still described that way in the Google search: Awkward. Since then, however, they’ve changed the description, and now simply describe them as “cropped trousers in tropical Hawaiian print”. Which is a little less… awkward. Well, we guess it doesn’t make great business sense to describe your own products as “awkward”, although there’s no doubt that this is a length many people would agree is, indeed, somewhat difficult to wear. Why? Well, it’s a length that hits right at the widest part of the calf, thus drawing the eye straight to it: if you have…

Daylight Robbery? Manish Aurora’s £500 sequined leggings

Sequinned leggings, £541 at Louisa Via Roma First up, these aren’t actually £500: phew! Nope, they#re £540. D’OH. (For the benefit of our US readers, that’s somewhere in the region of $900. Yes.) Also: these aren’t actually leggings. Louisa Via Roma have, for reasons best known to the themselves, neglected to provide a full-length photo of the suspect (Because we don’t know about you, but when we’re spending £500+ on a pair of leggings, we totally don’t feel the need to actually see what we’ll be getting for our money. No way, we’ll just hand over that credit card, and trust in the designer fashion Gods to make everything OK…), but from what our detectives can gather, they appear to…

Fashion Crime Friday |Ugly pants, under arrest

This week’s Fashion Crime roundup has a ‘Terrible Trousers’ theme. “Terrible in what way, Fashion Police?” we hear you ask. Well, let’s take a look… Suspect # 1 | The ‘2 Become 1’ Pants [Buy them here] You all know by now how we feel about Stuck Together Clothes Crimes, but we don’t think it gets much worse than when a pair of drop-crotch sweatpants (At least, we THINK they’re drop-crotch. It’s hard to tell when they’re designed to look like they’re permanently falling down…) is stuck to a pair of acid-wash jeans. The only thing worse than that would be if… nope, actually, we were right the first time: there’s NOTHING worse than that. And while SOME Stuck-Together-Clothes Crimes…

Just when we thought leggings-as-pants couldn’t get any worse…

Murmur stretch leggings, £117 And they’re £117, too. That seems reasonable for a pair of glorified tights, no? No? In fairness, there’s really nothing to suggest that these leggings will ever be worn as pants. Well, nothing other than the small fact that leggings ALWAYS seem to end up being worn as pants these days, don’t they? And also the fact that if you were shopping from this brand, you might find yourself tempted to wear them with this: Murmur t-shirt, £91 Awesome: a t-shirt that’ll make everyone briefly think that someone’s reaching up to play with your… peaches. Or whatever that’s supposed to be in the disembodied hand. Want to take a closer look? Here you go: Murmur jersey…

ugliest trousers of 2013

The Ugliest Trousers of 2013

Happy Friday, everyone! We hope you had a good Christmas if you were celebrating, and that you’re enjoying the holiday season. Our officers are currently responding to fashion emergencies only, so today we’re continuing our look back at the fashion crimes of 2013, with a roundup of some truly terrible trousers. Trousers account for a large section of the Fashion Police jail, and rather than attempting to sort them into their various categories, we’ve decided simply to lump them all together: ugly pants, united in crimes. Trousers, leggings, shorts, jumpsuits – if it has two legs, basically, and we arrested it in the past year, you’ll find it here. Oh, except for jeans. Jeans have their own section of the…

“Tail Trousers” by Doriane Van Overeem: exactly what they sound like

“Tail Trousers” by Doriane Van Overeem, $585 We were going to keep these for our regularly scheduled “Fashion Crime Friday” post, but they’re just so mind-blowingly awesome we thought they deserved a Fashion Police Crime File all to themselves. These suspects go by the name of “tail pants”. They’re pants with… tails. But you got that, didn’t you? The “tails” in question are simply the legs of the pants themselves, which have been extended far (far, far…) below the ankle, or even the foot, and which continue on, trailing along the floor behind you in what Opening Ceremony describe as a “regal” fashion. Which is certainly ONE way to describe these, we have to give them that. Our first concern…

Fancy Pants | Trousers get all dressed up

L-R: ASOS trousers in floral jacquard | Banana Republic Camden fit gold skinny ankle pants | J Crew Collection cafe capri pants Something strange is going on in the world of trousers. And it’s probably J Crew’s fault. It’s been happening for a while, actually. It’s almost as if trousers are tired of being the boring old backbone of many an outfit: now they want to be the STAR. They don’t want to be black, or grey, or navy, or any other dull, block colour. No, trousers want to shine: literally. Brocade. Jacquard. High-shine gold and silver. Tile print. Embroidery. You name it, trousers are ON IT – or ITS on THEM, rather. This new breed of trouser is bold, colourful, and nothing like your…

Fashion Crime Files | Terrible Trousers

Trousers. So easy to get right. But also, apparently, so easy to get catastrophically WRONG. This week our officers have been policing the world of pants, and here are a few of the suspects they’ve brought in to our trouser unit for questioning:   Jean Paul Gaultier, £877 Ah, the Half-Pant! Part totally sheer legging, part baggy combat trouser! Well, some morning’s you just can’t decide, and thanks to this ingenious item, you don’t half to! The only thing that would make this better would be if the model was wearing two different shoes, to match the two different legs of her trousers. Heroes in a Half-Pant!   Comme des Garcons, £672 Is that a growth on the leg of…