Trousers/Pants

      William Okpo knotted pants

      Get Knotted

      It’ll soon be shorts season, folks, but we’re not quite there yet, which means many of us are in search of the perfect transitional pieces, to wear now AND wear later in the season: William Okpo knotted pants, $210 Er, these pants aren’t it, by the way: these are just perfect for people who can’t make their minds up whether to wear shorts or pants. Or who really, really like their thighs, and want the world to know it. Faustine Steinmetz destroyed denim jacket, $1,320 The more destroyed something is, and the less wearable it is, the more expensive it is. So, if a denim jacket, say, looks like a denim jacket, and performs the basic functions of a denim…

      ball-of-fire-shorts

      The Ball of Fire Shorts

      Ball of Fire Shorts, $535 For once, we’re speechless. It’s… a pair of sports shorts with what appears to be some long, white hair attached to the crotch. And it’s $535. We’ve seen a lot of truly inexplicable items of clothing in our time at The Fashion Police, but this is up there with the strangest of them. The designer, Bernard Willhelm, calls this piece, ” a perfect failure”. We’d say at least one of those words is true: it’s up to you to decide which one. Before we  finish this post, let’s just take a few moments to remember this skirt: Ripped denim skirt, £96 Poor thing. It used to be just an ordinary denim skirt – one you’d…

      Vedder shorts

      Eddie Vedder has a lot to answer for

      [The Vedder Shorts: Buy them here for $495] We should probably begin this post by issuing a public apology to Eddie Vedder, who, of course, had absolutely nothing to do with these shorts. (Because, yes, those are shorts: the model isn’t just wearing a flannel shirt tied around her waist. Why would she do that, when she can pay almost $500 instead to just LOOK like she’s wearing a shirt tied around her waist?) He does seem to have in some way inspired them, however – at least, that’s what we’re assuming from the name (They’e called ‘The Vedder Shorts’), and the fact that they appear to be some kind of homage to the grunge scene of the 90s, of which…

      Untitled-2

      The 70s REVIVAL WILL BE WORSE THAN WE THOUGHT

      1  /  2 We’ve talked a lot this year so far about the ongoing 70s revival in fashion, and our fears for where this trend might take us. Every time we’ve contemplated the 70s comeback, we’ve crossed our fingers and hoped it might just be OK. We’ve been hoping for an ‘Ali McGraw in Lovestory’ version of the 70s, or a Bianca Jagger-inspired one, say. It’ll never be our favourite fashion era, for sure, but that doesn’t mean it can’t work, if it’s done right: many of our issues with 70s style, after all, are purely questions of personal taste, which is, of course, entirely subjective. We may not like all of the styles that are resulting from this trend,…

      ripped jeans

      Please make it stop.

      This is a joke, right? Please, someone tell us this is a joke: we’re not sure we can handle the idea of a world in which people will willingly hand over £116 in order to wear jeans that look like they’re only just managing to hold themselves together. Seriously, if you really MUST make yourself look like this, at least rip up an old pair of jeans you no longer have any use for: it still won’t look good, but at least it won’t feel like taking your money and throwing it down the drain. In comparison to the above, that whole ’70s-revival’ we’ve been talking about is actually starting to sound pretty good. Oh no, sorry, our mistake: it’s…

      silk harem jumper

      Three pairs of pants you couldn’t pay us to wear

      BLACK MESH JOGGERS, $60 As far as we can tell, the sole purpose of these jogging pants (and drop-crotch jogging pants, too! All our least-favourite things, together in one garment!) is to provide a support-system for the two giant pockets which are clearly visible through the mesh fabric. We have no idea why the people who buy these wouldn’t just attach a couple of pockets to a long piece of string and drape it around their necks: it would create more or less the same effect, after all. WRINKLED PANTS, LONG SLEEVES This outfit breaks two of our most fundamental laws of style: 1. Buy clothes that fit you: or have them tailored, if they don’t. 2. IRON YOUR PANTS…

      dungaree shorts

      Shorts + Dungarees = Crime of Fashion

      [Buy them here] It’s hard to imagine the thought process that goes into creating something like this. By that, we mean, it’s hard not to imagine it going something like this: IMPORTANT FASHUN DESIGNER: “Hmmm, I think I’ll design a pair of dungarees. Dungarees have never been cool, so, in making them, I’ll enable people to brag about wearing a “difficult” piece of clothing, and that will make them seem really hip and experimental, because they’ll be eschewing the usual “rules” of flattering your figure etc, and wearing something that indicates they don’t give a crap about how they look. Which will make them look even MORE hip and edgy. Then I will be the designer who made dungarees fashionable,…

      ugly-trousers

      Help fight these terrible trouser crimes

      Please note, Fashion Force: this is not a drill. These are not simply expensive Halloween costumes – even although they look like they are. These are actual fashion items, designed to be worn in your day-to-day life. Tell us, though: would you wear these? [Buy them here for £432] It’s testament to the length of time we’ve been in the fashion crime-fighting business that our first thought upon seeing these wasn’t, “OMG, see-through pants!” but “Well, at least they’re not TOTALLY sheer…” And they’re not. There are some embroidered sections to, er, protect your modesty. Just make sure you wear your best undies with them: we’ll know if you don’t. [Buy them here for £165] We’ve been fighting the good…

      ZARA autumn 2014

      Trends on Trial | Baggy Trousers

      This season, ZARA is carrying a lot of stuff like this: All items: ZARA And, OK, they’re not all “baggy”. Not exactly. Some are just stretchy. And have obviously been victimized by our old enemy, The Foot Snatcher.  Others, meanwhile, look a lot like sleepwear, or yoga pants, or some other kind of “not necessarily intended to be worn as a fashion statement… or as outdoor clothes” garments. These ARE meant to be worn out of doors, and they’re quite a departure from the usual round of super-skinny jeans and leggings-as-pants which have reigned supreme over the fashion world for years now, so we naturally want to know what you think of them. To take the case for the defence…

      Untitled-1

      Fashion Crimes: The ‘That Can’t Be Comfortable’ Edition

      There are two types of fashion crime in the word: the clothes we wouldn’t want to wear because of the way they LOOK, and the clothes we wouldn’t want to wear because we just can’t imagine ever feeling comfortable in them. Sometimes the discomfort is the literal kind: Leather square gusset shorts, $510 Leather shorts don’t strike us as particularly comfortable at the best of times (IS there a “best time” for leather shorts, we wonder? ), but leather SQUARE GUSSET shorts? Nuh-uh? Even if that leather is the buttery-soft variety, can you imagine walking around with all that bunched-up leather between your legs? (Sorry, there just wasn’t a non-vulgar-sounding way of putting that…) Even worse that these are shorts, so…

      Untitled-1

      The Emperor’s New Fendi Trousers

      Well, whaddya know: it looks like our old friend The Emperor got himself some new trousers! [Buy them here for £136] It’s hard to be sure just from the evidence before us, but we THINK what we’re looking at here is a pair of tights, with a useless, totally sheer skirt attached to them. Which is awesome, because how many times have you been getting dressed in the morning and thought to yourself, “If only these tights had a flo0r-length, almost-invisible skirt attached!” SO many times. But actually, no, no times at all. We can’t even IMAGINE thinking that. We’re not sure why anyone would? Oh, and we also think what we’re looking at here is the model’s bare ass….

      ASOS awkward length trousers

      Even ASOS think these trousers are an awkward length: would you wear them?

      ASOS awkward length trousers, £35 When these trousers first appeared on the ASOS website yesterday, the product description called them “awkward length trousers”: in fact, they’re still described that way in the Google search: Awkward. Since then, however, they’ve changed the description, and now simply describe them as “cropped trousers in tropical Hawaiian print”. Which is a little less… awkward. Well, we guess it doesn’t make great business sense to describe your own products as “awkward”, although there’s no doubt that this is a length many people would agree is, indeed, somewhat difficult to wear. Why? Well, it’s a length that hits right at the widest part of the calf, thus drawing the eye straight to it: if you have…

      pp

      Daylight Robbery? Manish Aurora’s £500 sequined leggings

      Sequinned leggings, £541 at Louisa Via Roma First up, these aren’t actually £500: phew! Nope, they#re £540. D’OH. (For the benefit of our US readers, that’s somewhere in the region of $900. Yes.) Also: these aren’t actually leggings. Louisa Via Roma have, for reasons best known to the themselves, neglected to provide a full-length photo of the suspect (Because we don’t know about you, but when we’re spending £500+ on a pair of leggings, we totally don’t feel the need to actually see what we’ll be getting for our money. No way, we’ll just hand over that credit card, and trust in the designer fashion Gods to make everything OK…), but from what our detectives can gather, they appear to…

      crimes-of-fashion

      Fashion Crime Friday |Ugly pants, under arrest

      This week’s Fashion Crime roundup has a ‘Terrible Trousers’ theme. “Terrible in what way, Fashion Police?” we hear you ask. Well, let’s take a look… Suspect # 1 | The ‘2 Become 1’ Pants [Buy them here] You all know by now how we feel about Stuck Together Clothes Crimes, but we don’t think it gets much worse than when a pair of drop-crotch sweatpants (At least, we THINK they’re drop-crotch. It’s hard to tell when they’re designed to look like they’re permanently falling down…) is stuck to a pair of acid-wash jeans. The only thing worse than that would be if… nope, actually, we were right the first time: there’s NOTHING worse than that. And while SOME Stuck-Together-Clothes Crimes…

      sheer-leggings1-296x197

      Just when we thought leggings-as-pants couldn’t get any worse…

      Murmur stretch leggings, £117 And they’re £117, too. That seems reasonable for a pair of glorified tights, no? No? In fairness, there’s really nothing to suggest that these leggings will ever be worn as pants. Well, nothing other than the small fact that leggings ALWAYS seem to end up being worn as pants these days, don’t they? And also the fact that if you were shopping from this brand, you might find yourself tempted to wear them with this: Murmur t-shirt, £91 Awesome: a t-shirt that’ll make everyone briefly think that someone’s reaching up to play with your… peaches. Or whatever that’s supposed to be in the disembodied hand. Want to take a closer look? Here you go: Murmur jersey…

      ugliest trousers of 2013

      The Ugliest Trousers of 2013

      Happy Friday, everyone! We hope you had a good Christmas if you were celebrating, and that you’re enjoying the holiday season. Our officers are currently responding to fashion emergencies only, so today we’re continuing our look back at the fashion crimes of 2013, with a roundup of some truly terrible trousers. Trousers account for a large section of the Fashion Police jail, and rather than attempting to sort them into their various categories, we’ve decided simply to lump them all together: ugly pants, united in crimes. Trousers, leggings, shorts, jumpsuits – if it has two legs, basically, and we arrested it in the past year, you’ll find it here. Oh, except for jeans. Jeans have their own section of the…

      “Tail Trousers” by Doriane Van Overeem: exactly what they sound like

      “Tail Trousers” by Doriane Van Overeem, $585 We were going to keep these for our regularly scheduled “Fashion Crime Friday” post, but they’re just so mind-blowingly awesome we thought they deserved a Fashion Police Crime File all to themselves. These suspects go by the name of “tail pants”. They’re pants with… tails. But you got that, didn’t you? The “tails” in question are simply the legs of the pants themselves, which have been extended far (far, far…) below the ankle, or even the foot, and which continue on, trailing along the floor behind you in what Opening Ceremony describe as a “regal” fashion. Which is certainly ONE way to describe these, we have to give them that. Our first concern…

      fancy-pants

      Fancy Pants | Trousers get all dressed up

      L-R: ASOS trousers in floral jacquard | Banana Republic Camden fit gold skinny ankle pants | J Crew Collection cafe capri pants Something strange is going on in the world of trousers. And it’s probably J Crew’s fault. It’s been happening for a while, actually. It’s almost as if trousers are tired of being the boring old backbone of many an outfit: now they want to be the STAR. They don’t want to be black, or grey, or navy, or any other dull, block colour. No, trousers want to shine: literally. Brocade. Jacquard. High-shine gold and silver. Tile print. Embroidery. You name it, trousers are ON IT – or ITS on THEM, rather. This new breed of trouser is bold, colourful, and nothing like your…

      trousers

      Fashion Crime Files | Terrible Trousers

      Trousers. So easy to get right. But also, apparently, so easy to get catastrophically WRONG. This week our officers have been policing the world of pants, and here are a few of the suspects they’ve brought in to our trouser unit for questioning:   Jean Paul Gaultier, £877 Ah, the Half-Pant! Part totally sheer legging, part baggy combat trouser! Well, some morning’s you just can’t decide, and thanks to this ingenious item, you don’t half to! The only thing that would make this better would be if the model was wearing two different shoes, to match the two different legs of her trousers. Heroes in a Half-Pant!   Comme des Garcons, £672 Is that a growth on the leg of…

      pensi-pants

      Penis-print leggings: not safe for work, obviously.

      These leggings might LOOK relatively innocent, hanging there all in a row like that, but the title of this post should be a good indication that if you’re at all likely to be offended by the sight of lots of little penises, all over a pair of pants, you should probably look away now, because they’re ready for their close-up. Are YOU ready? Here you go: Yep, they’re penis pants, folks. And if you’re wondering what you’d wear with them, look, there’s also a penis-print scarf, and a penis-print top. If you’re simply wondering why they exist, on the other hand, we’re afraid we can’t help you with that. Maybe this site will have the answers? [source]

      selection of fashionable boiler suits

      Trend Trial: Boiler Suits

      “The boiler suit trend”: now THERE are some words we hoped never to have to write. It’s happened, though. Boiler suits are being deemed a “hot trend” for the summer, which means we find ourselves in the expected position of having to ask you… Boiler suits, ASOS Before we looked at these images, we’d automatically have dismissed boiler suits, not as a crime of fashion, necessarily, but as something we would never want to wear. (Unless we were actually, you know, boiling…) After looking at the images, however… we’re STILL dismissing them as something we’d never, ever want to wear. Especially the denim version, which is just too ‘Dexy’s Midnight Runners’ for words. You are not us, though, and for…

      leggings

      Closet Heroes: Leggings

      A closet hero is an item of clothing which, once purchased, quickly becomes indispensable to its owner. Here at TFP, we don’t believe that there are particular items which “every woman” should own: we’re all too different to need or want exactly the same clothes. We do, however, believe that most people have their own closet heroes, and in this regular column, we’ll be sharing some of ours: and hopefully some of yours, too…. Leggings: ASOS If you’d told us a few years ago that we’d one day be describing leggings – LEGGINGS – as a “closet hero”, we’d probably have laughed in your face. Actually, though, we weren’t the least bit surprised when they came up in the list of suggestions…

      leggings

      Crime of Fashion? Spiked cutout leggings from Forever 21

      A couple of days ago, this suggestion popped into our ASK.fm inbox: Well, your wish is our command, so… Leggings, £14.95, Forever 21 Um, yeah. We honestly don’t know what’s strangest about these leggings: the fact that they have cut-outs at the knees (and ONLY at the knees), or the fact that those cut-outs are surrounded by spikes, making the knees in question look like they’re inside some kind of strange, Venus fly-trap… try to touch them and those spiked jaws will slam shut, probably cutting off your finger in the process. Or that’s what WE think when we look at them, anyway. We’ve had a LOT of caffeine already this morning, though. A LOT of caffeine. We’re obviously very…

      60s-style floral jumpsuit

      Would you wear… Moschino’s 60s-style jumpsuit?

      So, 60s style is back in fashion, just in case you hadn’t noticed. And while some brands are choosing to embody the spirit of the 60s in a fairly subtle way –  a mini skirt here, a graphic print there, a pair of clumpy platform shoes everywhere – others are taking a far more literal approach: This is by Moschino, it’s £852 (about $1,300), and, well, it’s a whole lot of look, to put it mildly. A whole lot of look that we really can’t imagine anyone pulling off, outside of a costume party.  If you actually WERE going to a costume party, of course, this would be awesome (Or it would be if it was as cheap as any…

      harem shorts with one leg longer than the other

      Puzzling Pants: Help us solve these trouser mysteries…

      Some of them are straight-up ugly, and some are just plain… strange. Here’s a quick round-up of some of the most puzzling pants Yoox.com currently has to offer: your assistance in helping us solve the mystery of why these exist and who’s actually buying them would be very much appreciated… Guess by Marciano harem shorts, £120 We’ve always said that if an item of clothing looks like a ready-made wardrobe malfunction it’s probably a crime of fashion. These shorts make the model look like she’s got some unfortunate kind of “clothing tucked into knickers” thing going on, which, apart from LOOKING bad, must just be SO uncomfortable. Wouldn’t it feel odd, walking around with one trouser leg hiked up to…

      skinny-black-pants

      Closet Heroes: Skinny black pants

      Thanks to all of your suggestions on our first Closet Heroes post, we now have a growing list of awesome items to feature. We’ll be doing our best to work our way through as many “hero” items as we can, but today we’re focusing on a suggestion from Fashion Police reader Spiky, which we just so happen to wholeheartedly agree with: skinny black pants. Spiky said: “I work in an office environment, and for me it’s my skinny black pants. I get the Really Skinny trousers from Gap.” It’s definitely true that these trousers can be indispensable for those who have a formal or semi-formal working environment, and need to look smart every day, but skinny black pants can be adapted…

      fries

      You want fries with those leggings?

      Nothing hits the spot quite like a good ol’ burger and fries, does it? You know what they say about fatty, fried, food, though: a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips! And in this case, those fries you just ate will  LITERALLY appear on your hips! Both items: ASOS Do you love junk food enough to actually WEAR it, officers? Because we’d take the ACTUAL burger off your hands, sure, but when it comes to getting dressed, we’d rather clothe ourselves in something else. Like, oh, we don’t know, maybe popcorn? Everyone loves popcorn, right? Especially this girl: In fact, this girl loves popcorn so much it makes her want to jump for joy: Sweatshirt & leggings:…

      three pairs of printed trousers

      Three Things: Printed trousers

      Forever 21 // Topshop // Zara Printed trousers appeared on the style scene a couple of seasons ago, and while some of you loved them, and were more than happy to pledge allegiance to our new printed pant overlords, others were reluctant to accept that they’d be expected to walk around with patterned legs all summer long. We understand both points of view, but in recent months we’ve found ourselves coming down in favour of the printed trousers. They make a nice change from jeans, and if you find the right print they can also be a slightly warmer alternative to skirts and dresses on those chilly summer days we tend to get here in the frozen north of the UK….

      black leggings with padded sections on legs

      Crime of Fashion: Robot leggings

      We thought the fringe leggings we arrested this morning would be the worse thing we’d have to show you today, but then we stumbled across these at Nasty Gal, and thought for a moment that it was April 1st all over again: This is no joke though, officers: those really are a pair of black leggings with knee-holes. Oh yeah, AND THE REST. “The rest” in this case takes the form of those strange, silver padded sections attached to the legs: Nasty Gal call them “robot leggings”. Which is certainly one way to describe them, although we’re sure you can think of others. They even managed to distract us from the shoes, and that’s no mean feat. While we’re on…

      fringeleggings

      Fringe leggings, revisited

      We’ve discussed the existence of fringe leggings before, but we figured these ones deserved a special mention, not just because of the leggings themselves, but because of the styling of the whole outfit: They’re basically My Little Pony’s leggings, aren’t they? As in, if My Little Pony ever decided to wear clothes, multicloured pastel print leggings with manes of their own would probably be high on its wish list. These Bitching & Junkfood creations were presumably high on someone else’s wish list, too, because they seem to have sold out at ASOS, despite their bes efforts to put people off, by styling them with a fishnet top, neon bra, and chunky platform boots, which are either made by Jefferey Campbell…

      sheer pants with cabbage patch print

      Peculiar Pants and other Opening Ceremony delights

      Love peculiar pants? Buy these ones here. The product description describes these as “pajama pants”. If that’s the case, then it certainly explains the see-through quality, and also means that we can’t arrest them for crimes of fashion: they get off on the technicality that they’re designed to be worn only in the bedroom (Or possibly in Tesco, depending on how you’re feeling that day), which is outwith our jurisdiction. If they’re supposed to be PJs, though, that may explain the sheerness, but it DOESN’T explain the $485 price tag, unless we’re to assume these are, in fact. the Emperor’s New Pyjama pants. Do people seriously pay $500 for PJs? Really? Because, you know, we’re all for people being able…

      leggings with animal print and sheer panels

      Possibly the ugliest leggings in the world.

      We normally save the fashion crimes until our regular Friday roundup, but we strongly suspect these leggings of being the ugliest leggings  we’ve ever seen, and we need your go-ahead to lock them up and throw away the key. Here’s the evidence: What do you think, jurors? Are these a crime of fashion… or is that the stupidest question you’ve heard all year? [Buy them]

      ugliest-pants-of-2012-featured

      The Ugliest Pants of 2012

      Pants. They’re one of the easiest and most comfortable items of clothing to wear, but for reasons which continue to elude us, they’re also one of the easiest items for fashion designers to completely and utterly screw up. From making them completely see-through, to adding crotches which trail along the floor as you walk, the world of ugly pants is a huge and baffling one. Our Ugly Pants file is by far the largest in the Fashion Police HQ, and today we share with you some of the highlowlights of the year just gone. For your viewing displeasure, we’ve included some shorts and jumpsuits in this selection too. You’re welcome! You’ll find the original arrest reports here, should you wish…

      drop-crotch suit

      What Not to Wear to the Office

      Grey wool trousers with a matching, fitted suit jacket sounds like a very office-appropriate kind of outfit, doesn’t it? These pants, though… don’t. In fact, these pants don’t really strike us as appropriate for ANYWHERE, really. On the plus side, at least you can leave the handbag at home and carry everything you need for the day in the crotch. OK, it’s not much of a “plus side”, to be honest. If you can think of another one, we’d love to hear it: after all, there has to be SOME reason people would pay £353 for these, surely? [Buy them]  

      skirt pants

      Skants: half skirt, half pants

      “Skirt-like trousers”, says the product description. “Skants”, says The Fashion Police. Because under the same logic which dictates that a sheer dress is a “shress” and sheer pants are “shants”, it stands to reason that skirt-pants must be “skants”. There’s absolutely nothing else about this garment that stands to reason, unfortunately. Why would you need to look like you were wearing a maxi skirt from the front, but trousers from behind? Why would you pay $777 to do it? We’d love to know… [Buy it]

      deliberately creased clothes

      Crime of Fashion: Deliberately creased clothing

      Deliberately creased clothes: we hate them almost as much as we hate gladiator sandals. We’re not sure if the shoes in this photo could technically be described that way, but we ARE sure the shorts are as creased as all get out: We just want to hold her down and iron her, don’t you? Or DO you? Is it just us nursing this powerful hatred for expensive clothing which is designed to look like it’s already been very well worn? If it is, you can buy everything in this outfit at Acne…

      nasty gal fringed shorts

      Double the Crime, Double the Time: fringed shorts and caged bustier

      Nasty Gal have helpfully suggested two different ways you might wear this caged bustier of theirs. One will make you look like you’re out in your underwear (with added boob underhang!), the other will simply make you look like you got dressed in the dark: it’s up to you to decide which would be the lesser of the two evils. However you choose to wear this outfit, though, we just don’t think the bustier is going to deflect attention away from the shorts. Which, with that amount of fringing, that close to crotch level, make it look like a trip to the waxing salon is long overdue for this poor model. You can’t un-see it now, can you? [Buy it]

      ugly leggings

      Nice n’ kneesy: Issey Miyake’s £230 leggings

      You know all those times when your legs are too cold, but your shins are just BOILING? No, us neither. Someone, somewhere must be experiencing those odd weather conditions, though, otherwise these Issey Miyake leggings wouldn’t exist. Or cost £230. Anyone want to suggest a solution to this mystery? [Buy them]

      unflattering pants

      When animal print and drop-crotch collide

      We’re not saying sheer, animal-print harem pants with ties at the ankles are ALWAYS crimes of fashion, but… Actually, you know what? We ARE saying that. We totally are. But of all of the sheer, animal-print harem pants in the world (and there’s a frighteningly large amount of them), we think these ones may well be the worst. As proof of this, we’d like to submit the following into evidence: Well, would YOU want your crotch area to look like this? The prosecution rests. [Buy them]

      leopard print jumpsuit

      Stella McCartney leopard print jumpsuit

      Isn’t it amazing how totally unsexy an animal print jumpsuit can be? Or… maybe not. Honestly, the words “animal print” and “jumpsuit” in the same sentence normally have us thinking more along the lines of “Bet Lynch from Coronation Street” than “sexy model wearing £590 high fashion item”. This one, however, just makes us think, “So THAT’S what it would look like if the Teletubbies lost a ton of weight and decided to spice things up in the wardrobe department!” We actually think we preferred Bet Lynch, but what about you? Are there times in your life when you find yourself standing in front of your open closet saying, “If only I had an animal print jumpuit!”? If so, you…

      Green velvet high-waisted trousers from River Island

      High Street Shopping Pick: Green velvet high-waisted trousers from River Island

      Is it just us, or is anyone else well and truly over the low-rise waistband? Don’t get us wrong: we’re not asking you all to do a Simon Cowell and start walking around with your waistbands somewhere around your chest, and we firmly believe the words “high-waisted” and “tapered leg” should never, ever appear in the same product description. Ever. This isn’t the 90s, after all: no one wants you to look like an extra from the cast of Friends. At the same time, though, we have to say, we’re happy to see some retailers starting to venture back into the world of trousers that hit at the natural waist, as opposed to around the hips or above the belly-button. These…

      male model in dungarees

      Modelling is Hard: Dungaree Edition

      It’s tempting to think the problem here lies mostly with styling (and, perhaps, with the lack of ironing): or maybe that should be the lack of styling. When you really sit back and take a look at it, though, can you see ANY way of styling these  in a way that would make them suddenly acceptable? Or suddenly worth spending more than £500 on? We can’t. But if you can, we’d sure love to hear your suggestions… [Buy them]

      clown pants

      Clown pants: now on sale

      OK: first person to come up with a plausible way to wear these pants without looking like a clown wins a Fashion Police cookie. We have a feeling our cookies are safe. Which is good, because, well, we kinda already ate them all… [Buy it]

      penis pants

      Do you see what we see? Marni’s genitalia pants

      Er, guys? Quick question, just to reassure ourselves we’re not seeing things: does anyone  else look at these pants and see… well, a kind of crude depiction of the male genitalia, such as you might see graffiti’d on a wall, on on a desk in a high school? If you CAN see now it now that we’ve mentioned it: do you think you’ll ever be able to UN-see it? Because we certainly can’t. Just for the benefit of those of you who CAN’T see what we’re talking about, and who are sitting there tut-tutting about “Those Fashion Police officers and their dirty minds!”, let us just quickly reassure you that we’d have arrested these even without the you know what: Great…

      leggings as pants

      Leggings as Pants: Now worn *without* pants

      We’ve been saying for a long time now that leggings are not pants, nor should they be worn as pants. We have a horrible feeling we’re fighting a losing battle with this one, though, because not only are these leggings being worn AS pants, they’re also being worn WITHOUT pants. Underpants, that is. Because there’s just no way you’d be able to avoid a VPL in these, is there? This just CANNOT be comfortable, can it? Wouldn’t you just feel so exposed, knowing that  you were just a few short centimetres away from a citation for indecency from the real-life police? All we can say is that if you’re buying these, please think carefully about the fit. Too small will…

      stuck together clothes

      Stuck Together Clothes Crimes: The Leggings-Shorts Combo

      It’s Friday, so we’re going to start this arrest with something positive, and say we appreciate the effort to prevent a leggings-worn-as-pants situation by covering the crotch area with shorts. We’ve always said that we can get on board with leggings-as-pants as long as the crotch is covered, and that is… well, almost the case here. We could argue that crochet doesn’t exactly make the best crotch-coverer, but hey, it’s a start. On the flip-side of this, we also appreciate the attempt to make the shorts less, er, revealing  than they would be on their own, by adding the leggings underneath. Crochet shorts just don’t really work without something solid under them, do they? All of that said, however, the truth…

      leggings are not pants

      Leggings are not cycle shorts, except when they are

      Now that fashion brands have managed to convince so many of us that leggings are, in fact pants (If you need proof of this statement, we’d like to invite you to come for a stroll around the mall closest to the Fashion Police HQ any day of the week. It’s hard to find people wearing anything BUT leggings-as-pants there…), they need some other horrible fashion trend to damage our eyeballs with. Enter the leggings-worn-as-cycle-shorts-and-legwarmers look. Didn’t see that one coming, did you? The text next to these leggings on the Modcloth website talks about athletes, and podiums and triathlons, and that kind of thing. We have absolutely no idea what any of that has to do with these leggings (unless, of…

      short shorts

      How Short is Too Short? Nicolas Andreas edition

      Welcome to the short-short edition of How Short is Too Short? We’re pretty sure we could get the word “short” into that sentence another couple of times at least, but we’ve already typed the word “short” so many times in this post that it’s started to lose all meaning. And, you know, it’s a short post. Groan. Anyway, on to the pressing matter of the shorts, how short they are, and whether that shortness is too short… The thing is: at first we didn’t even realise these WERE shorts. We thought they were knickers. And because we thought they were knickers, they didn’t really give them much thought at all, beyond the observation that for such big knickers, they sure don’t…

      pink jumpsuit

      When jumpsuits go bad

      Some, of course,  would argue that jumpsuits are almost always bad. Others believe it all depends on the jumpsuit – and the person wearing it. Right now, though, we’re incapable of even thinking about the bigger picture. Nope, all we can think about is how the fact that this particular jumpsuit – which is a TUXEDO jumpsuit, no less – is such a perfect match for the model’s skin tone that at first glance she looks naked. Then, on second glance, she looks like she’s wearing some kind of corporate “fat suit”. Well, it IS almost Halloween, after all… Did we mention it costs £750 to look like this? Now THAT’S scary. [Product Page]

      shant shorts

      Crime of Fashion: The Shant Shorts

      Introducing the Shant Shorts: part shants, part shorts, they’re the perfect solution for those days – and we all have them, don’t we? – when you really want to wear a pair of tiny little hotpants, but feel that sheer, lace leggings would be a little more appropriate. Wait, what are we saying? There’s really NEVER a time when sheer leggings are appropriate, lace or otherwise, is there? And while the addition of the shorts will certainly keep you safe from the actual police, we’re afraid you’ll still have to hide from our fashion force, because we most definitely consider these to be a crime of fashion. Now, who’s with us? [Product Page]

      the most unflattering pants in the word

      Possibly the most unflattering pants in the world

      > Anytime we see pants like these, we can’t help but assume that the body underneath them is exactly the same shape as the pants. You’re doing it now too, aren’t you? You’re imagining her unfortunately elongated torso lurking underneath her specially-made pants, her crotch about two metres away from her belly button. People who have bodies shaped like that are the only people who have a reason to wear these pants. Everyone else who paid £299 to look like this is going to have to accompany us down to the station: you all have some explaining to do… [Product Page]

      Leopard Papillon Utility Pants

      Crime of Fashion: Matthew Williamson Leopard Papillon Utility Pants

      It’s one of the great mysteries of the Fashion Universe: how on EARTH did these Matthew Williamson animal print pants make it to the deep-discount section of the Shopbop website, reduced from the original $660 to a mere $198. Oh no, wait: for a second there, we forgot we were speaking to our fellow Fashion Police officers, not label-hungry fashion victims. The REAL question in that case, is why do these even exist? Who would pay $198 for them, let alone $660? And why are they sold out in all but one size? (If you wear as US 6, by the way, it’s your lucky day…)

      ugly sheer pants

      Just when we thought shants couldn’t get any worse…

      …Roberto Cavalli had to go and prove us wrong. Again. We’re guessing these totally sheer pants just weren’t quite revealing enough as they were, hence the need to cut giant holes in the hips. Because who WOULDN’T want to showcase their hips like this, framed by the flimsy, animal print fabric of a pair of shants? WHO, we ask you? And to think you can have all of this for the bargain price of £304, too! Walk, don’t run, people… [Buy them]  

      too long trousers

      The Foot Snatcher Strikes Again

      It’s been a while since we heard from our old enemy the Foot Snatcher, who, as you will recall, sneaks around the fashion world, stealing the feet of helpless fashion victims, and leaving them looking like their legs got chopped off at the ankle. Say what you like about skinny jeans, but they’ve certainly helped keep the Foot Snatcher at bay. At first glance, we thought this was another Foot Snatching crime in action. On closer inspection of the evidence, however, we can just see the toe of this model’s shoe peeking out from the hem of her trousers, so we can stand down the alert. Really, though, this image is just an excuse to show you how ugly these…

      saggy shorts

      Saggy asses are never in style…

      Well, it’s hard to understand why THESE didn’t sell out instantly, and, indeed, why they STILL haven’t sold out, despite having been reduced to just £12 from the original £40. And by that we mean, “It’s not hard to understand AT ALL, is it?” Excellent work from the model here, though, who’s desperately trying to distract us from the ugly shorts by pulling some interesting poses. “Whee!” she’s saying, “Look at how much FUN I’m having here, with my invisible jump rope! What do you mean, ‘ugly shorts’? Who, me? No way!” Are you convinced? Click here to buy them if you are! [Thanks to Gracie for the report!]

      worst leggings in the world

      Contender for the ‘Worst Leggings in the World’ Award

      There is no ‘Worst Leggings in the World’ Award. Well, not yet, anyway. Actually, we don’t think there should EVER be a Worst Leggings in the World Award: partly because it would be a major mistake to actually REWARD such bad behaviour from the fashion world, but also because there’d be no point: these leggings would win. Unless, of course, they were disqualified on a technicality. Can you call these “leggings” when they don’t really cover the leg? It’s one of the mysteries of the universe. That and the fact that they even exist at all… [Buy them]

      Barbie tracksuit

      The Dress Like a Toddler Trend Returns: Barbie Girl

      You know, we would absolutely LOVE this outfit…. if we were five years old. And if it was 1982. Given that we’re adults, though, and it’s 2012, we have to ask ourselves why we’re logging onto ASOS.com and entering straight into some kind of strange alternate universe in which it’s acceptable for grown women to wear Barbie tracksuits, the likes of which their five-year-old nieces would probably dismiss as a little bit too 80s… We feel like if we were to somehow come round to the idea of wearing this, everything would be different. We would no longer fight crimes of fashion, for instance: we’d be too busy braiding each other’s hair and discussing which My Little Pony is the best.* Do…

      ugly harem pants

      Harem Hell: Drop crotch AND VPL

      It shouldn’t really be possible to create a VPL on such a sad, saggy pair of pants, but gosh darn it, if Not Shy haven’t gone and done it! (‘Not Shy’ is the name of the brand, by the way. And it’s a good name, because you really wouldn’t want to be shy when you’re showing your underwear to the world, and strongly implying that you’re carrying something in your crotch at the same time, hey?) We know the main argument usually given in favour of harem pants (Aside from the always-entertaining “SO! EDGY!”, obviously, which is the first line of defence fashion criminals give for basically ANY ugly item of clothing…) is the same one used for Crocs and pyjamas…