Fashion Crime Friday | Terrible Tights, and other crimes of fashion

Tights. They should be simple accessories, worn when it’s too cold for bare legs, or when you want to add a little bit of interest to your outfit. What they SHOULDN’T be, is this:

Valentino tulle tights

[Buy them here for $495]


Suspect # 1 | Tights with a skirt

For a start, tights should never cost you almost $500. Nuh-uh. Don’t get us wrong: we can vaguely imagine a scenario in which we become rich beyond our wildest dreams, and think nothing of splashing some serious cash on a designer dress, or a fabulous pair of shoes. We imagine that scenario quite often, actually: it helps us get to sleep at night. What we CAN’T imagine, however – not even in those aforementioned wildest dreams – that there could ever exist a pair of tights that we’d happily spend $500 on. Not even if we were rich. Well, OK, maybe if the tights were magic tights, which turned us into Miranda Kerr. Do these tights look like they’d magically turn us into Miranda Kerr, style sleuths? We’re going to go with “no, not even a little bit”. Because what THESE tights would turn you into would be someone who’d spent $500 in order to look like they’d left the house only partially dressed. What’s that little skirt thing about, huh? Is that supposed to be ON SHOW? Because if it is, and the tights are, indeed, supposed to be worn as shown in the image, then you know what’ll ALSO be on show? Your knickers, that’s what. And if the little skirt thing is supposed to go UNDER your clothes? That just isn’t going to work either, is it? Because it’s not supposed to. Because you’re supposed to wear them like this:

tulle skirted tights

That’ll be $500, please.

Suspect # 2 | Puff Pants

puff pants

[Buy them here for $617]

Pants. With puffs. And for only $617, too!

In other news, we’re thinking of replacing the Peep Toe Boot rule with a similar ‘Open Toed Flat Sandals’ rule. It seems to make sense.

From the same criminal cell, meanwhile…

saggy dress

[Buy it here for $980]

Suspect # 3 | The $1000 dress

We don’t know about you, but if someone asked us to picture a $1000 designer dress (OK, OK, it’s “only” $980, but let’s not split hairs…) this is pretty much EXACTLY what we’d picture. It’s uncanny, actually. One thing, though: for $1,000, you’d think they could’ve given it a quick iron…


open front dress

[Buy it here for $12,200]

Suspect # 4 | The Open-Front Dress

Remember the infamous pregnant prom dress? This is presumably Givenchy’s take on it. An open-fronted dress would be bad enough at any price, but this one is $12,200. Twelve. THOUSAND. Dollars.

If anyone needs us, we’ll be lying down in a darkened room…


  • June 12, 2014


    Well, obviously the little skirt is put there to justify the price of the tights. They are not mere tights! They are tights with a tulle overlay, and that just makes all the difference in the world. Or not.

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  • September 4, 2014


    Suspect 1: To be used by dancers on stage only.
    Suspect 4: It’s nice to see something of shape after Suspects 2 and 3.

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