you’re not going out in that young lady!

      see-through-mesh-dresses

      Wear or Die: Mesh Dress Edition

      Attention fashion lovers! For this week’s Wear or Die, we’re giving you the opportunity to be “bang on trend” in a mesh, bodycon dress of your choice! Well, not quite of your choice: you have to choose from one of the two options above. Oh, and if you DON’T choose one of them to wear (in public, exactly as shown in the image), you die. On the plus side, you get to show everyone your “banging” body! Awesome, no? Which dress will you choose, though? Boohoo’s ‘Cindy’ mesh dress (left) hides the crotch area, but looks like it could cause a nip-slip or two if you’re not careful. Then there’s all of that thigh action going on. River Island’s cobweb…

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      Underwear as Outerwear: ASOS BLACK Lace Overlay Crini Dress

      This ASOS dress reminds us of those nightmares we sometimes have where it’s our wedding day and we’re just about to start walking down the aisle when we glance down and realise we forgot to put our dress on, and are standing there in our bridal underwear instead. And don’t get us wrong: it’s NICE underwear. It’s just… it’s underwear. Some will want to insist it’s “sexy” to go out dressed like this. When we see the back view, though, we just want to giggle: Seriously, if we saw someone out in public like this, we’d want to run up to her, throw our coats around her and say, “OMG, how embarrassing! Your skirt’s tucked into your knickers!” But of…

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      Henry Holland’s unique solution to the see-through dress

      We’ve actually shown you this House of Holland dress before, on the catwalk last year, but it was one of those things we looked at and thought, “Yeah, what happens on the runway stays on the runway – there’s just no way that’ll actually go into production.” Just goes to show what WE know, eh? This is now available to buy at Colette, where it will set you back $644 / £418. We’d like to think that those who DO decide to buy it will at least wear something underneath it, to stop it looking quite so much like a chopped-up shress, but of course, there’s a big difference between what we’d LIKE to happen and what actually DOES happen in…

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      You’ll catch your death in that! Aqua Couture’s Bustier Tulip Dress

      This dress makes us want to hit the gym. Hard.  Mind you, we say “dress”: it’s not really a “dress”, as such, is it? It’s more like a bra, with an over-sized skirt dangling from it. In fact… Oh God, it’s happened again, hasn’t it? It’s yet another example of STUCK TOGETHER CLOTHES, trying to sneak in under our radar by calling themselves a “dress”. We’re not fooled, Aqua Couture, and we’re not impressed by the ongoing “abdomen-as-accessory” trend, either. If you are, however, this is £90, and you can buy it at ASOS.com. [Thanks to Charlotte for the report!]

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      Worrying Fashion Trends: the lace body suit

      At first we were confused by this item (which, by the way, comes with long sleeves, too. You know, to keep you warm?), wondering what on earth could be its purpose. And then we realised: it’s to allow you to show off your black bra, whilst still claiming to be wearing “clothes”. Genius! And also: classy! We had hoped this was an isolated incident, but our policing of the retail world this week suggests that we are, in fact, dealing with an outbreak of the lace bodysuits, probably as part of the larger “must show your underwear at all times” movement. If you want to be part of it, this is £11.99 at Ark Clothing, and apparently best worn with…

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      Shress Spotting: Dolce & Gabbana full-length fishnet dress

      Lately The Fashion Police have been disturbed to notice a resurgence in the number of Shress Crimes we’ve been called out to. We had hoped that the bad joke that is the sheer dress was starting to die out now, but nope, with the approach of the party season, we’ve started to see even more of them than before. Well, Christmas is coming after all: what more could you ask for than a dress that exposes your almost-naked body in all its glory (or lack thereof). No Mince Pies for the shress-wearers this year! This one is by Dolce & Gabbana, and it’s floor-length design suggests that what we’re looking at here is their take on the “evening shress” –…

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      Arnsdorf jersey bra dress: just what it sounds like

      Yes, the cult of the trashy dress has taken a firm hold on the world of fashion, people. A dress just isn’t a dress any more unless it reveals at least one item of underwear, and preferably two. We’re just left wondering what on earth strippers and Katie Price are going to wear in the future, if the rest of us are all prancing around more or less in our underwear all the time? How will we be able to distinguish between hookers and fashionistas? Won’t someone please think of the strippers?! Arsdorf Jersey bra dress, £214, MyCatwalk.com

      Rihanna

      Rihanna leaves little to the imagination at Paris Fashion Week

      The Fashion Police contend that even when you have a body as hot as Rihanna’s, it’s still a good idea to keep some of it covered in public. And by “keep it covered” we don’t mean “with just a couple of strips of fabric”. This is why Rihanna will soon be finding herself wearing a different kind of stripey outfit altogether: the traditional stripes of the prison uniform, as she takes up residence in the Fashion Police jail.

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      Fashion Criminal: Nicola Roberts from Girls Aloud flashes her boobs

      OK, the current passion for trashy fashion has gone too far: look, it’s even managed to get Nicola Roberts from Girls Aloud in its vile clutches! Nicola, as those of you familiar with Girls Aloud will know, tends to be one of the quieter members of the band, so we were even more surprised when she showed up at the “30 Days of Fashion and Beauty” event at The Natural History Museum in London this week, more or less topless. We’d have been less surprised if it had been Sarah Harding, say, who’d chosen to get her boobs out for the camera, but Nicola Roberts? No. Unless, of course, she just got tired of Cheryl Cole getting all the attention recently… Whatever…

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      Please Make It Stop: Trashy, sheer dresses posing as “fashion”

      OK, that’s it: we’re calling time on the “shress” – or “sheer dress” to those of you who don’t care so much for made-up words. It’s time for this madness to end. The dress shown above is the one that pushed us over the edge. Look at it. At first we thought it was a “layering piece” – that the model shown was wearing it over her underwear, but the rest of us would probably just wear it over… well, actually, we can’t really imagine it adding much to anything, but if it was layered correctly, at least it wouldn’t be a crime of fashion. Readers, this is not a layering piece. What we thought was “underwear” is, in fact,…

      Return of the Shress: Seamless lace dress from Bebe

      Oh, Bebe! We'd REALLY like to think this "dress" is supposed to be used as a layering piece, even although that's not how you've shown it in the product shot. Sadly, though, years of arresting fashion criminals have taught us to be cynical, and we just know SOMEONE is going to try wearing it exactly as it is. That someone will have to pay $89 for the privilege, and if that someone is you, you can buy Bebe's seamless lace dress here.

      Shress Spotting: Armand Basi Cut Work Tulip Dress With Slip

        Here’s a rare opportunity to see a see-through dress actually being worn in “real life”, readers: if you click here, you’ll see this poor model parade up and down the catwalk in Armand Basis’s see-through tulip dress. The description says it comes “with slip”, but unless it’s an incredibly realistic looking slip, we don’t see it here, making this a real “emperor’s new clothes” moment, as far as we’re concerned. Also: we’re not sure whether to be most surprised by the £530 price tag or the fact that it’s sold out. This must mean the shresses are out there: on our streets, in our restaurants, bars and shops. WHO IS BUYING THEM? Is it you? Tell us!

      American Apparel go too far, sell totally sheer dress

      Well, this just confirms something we’ve suspected for a long time: that American Apparel would not-so-secretly like to ditch the clothes altogether and just fill their website with pictures of totally nude models. Let’s face it, they’re not a kick in the ass away from doing that already, and they’ve just taken one step further towards their goal with this mesh dress, which they’re selling for $32. (It’s also confirmed that there are people in the world who will spend money on nothing, but then, we already knew that…) We’ve blanked out the model’s nipples, for the benefit of those of you who may be reading at work, but American Apparel didn’t, so you probably won’t want to check out…

      Fashion Police Glossary: “Shress”

      Definition: In the language we like to think of as “fashion-speak”, a “shress” is simply a sheer dress. Sheer dress = “shress”. See what they did there? (See also: “Shants“) The “shress” first came to the notice of the Fashion Police in the 2007/2008 season, when various designers (Dior, Christopher Kane, etc)  began parading them down their runways. Clearly these designers were (mostly) just having a laugh, but some retailers decided to take the so-called “trend” seriously, and tried to flog the “shresses” to unsuspecting buyers, thus creating an “Emperor’s New Clothes” type scenario in which people would be expected to pay a small fortune for… well, nothing really. And still it goes on. The Fashion Police have yet to…

      Shress Spotting: Rick Owens ribbed tank dress

      Well, lookie here, folks: looks like the Emperor has been ordering some new clothes, again! Actually, we could almost have let this Rick Owens dress off with a warning, were it not for the way Browns have styled it here. They really do seem to be suggesting that it be worn with nothing but a unitard, a pair of ankle boots and a handbag, you see, which is not only a great example of Fashion for the Very, Very Brave (well, would you go out in public in a unitard with nothing more than a see-through dress over the top?) it also makes it a good example of what £135 of useless looks like, as far as we’re concerned. That…

      Shress Spotting: Knotted dress by Friedrich Gray

      "Probably best suited as a layering piece," says MyCatwalk.com, the winners of the "understatement of the week" award. Er, we think you’re probably right there, MyCatwalk, but we see you’ve gone ahead and shown it worn with absolutely nothing underneath it anyway… Would you pay £212 for a "layering piece" such as this, though, readers? If you would, you can buy it here – but don’t blame us if you catch your death in it!

      Reem: Finalists in the Scariest Dress Ever Award 2009

      We’ve arrested many a sheer dress (or “shress”, if you will) in our time at The Fashion Police, but we think this may be the scariest one ever, not just because a few scraps of lace are all that stand between you and the elements in it, but because of the strange ruffles framing your almost-naked body. From the picture it’s kinda hard to tell, but we’re pretty sure there’s actually a flesh-coloured panel underneath the bodice, and we’re grateful for that small mercy, but still feel that a dress that appears to leave you naked is almost as bad as one that actually does. If you disagree, however, this is by Reem, is £1,488 and you can buy it…

      Emperor’s New Clothes: Stefano Mortari sheer dress

      Looks like the Emperor has been "shress" shopping again, folks, and spending £325 on this Stefano Mortari number, by the looks of things.  That’s around $530, which, even assuming you bought it to wear over the top of something else, and not to use as part of this "buck nekkid" look, is just… just wow. We particularly like the way the label stands out like a sore thumb, because, of course, there’s nowhere to hide it when you’re essentially wearing nothing, is there?

      Shress Spotting: Jean Paul Gaultier knit dress

      The Fashion Police love Jean Paul Gaultier. Seriously – love him. If that’s to continue, though, we think we’re just going to have to pretend we didn’t see this knit "shress" of his, because really, even if the designer didn’t intend for this to be worn with nothing but a flesh-coloured thong underneath, we still don’t think we’d have much love for it. As it is, all we can think is that hey, Yoox.com really like showing off their model’s bare butts, don’t they? Would you wear this, readers? Even with something more, um, substantial underneath it? If so, be ready to hand over £620 for it…

      The Emperor’s New Shress

      One upon a time there lived an Empress. This Empress was very vain, and very stupid, and one day she decided that she wanted a new dress – the most beautiful dress in the whole world. And so the Empress called upon a tailor, who she commissioned to make the beautiful dress. The tailor was called Martin Margiela, and the tailor was cunning. He made the Empress an invisible dress, and when she couldn’t see it, he told her that why, only the most "fashion-forward" and "cutting edge" people could see the wonderful clothes he had made. Clearly, The Empress didn’t want anyone to think she didn’t know her fashion, and so she slipped on the dress and went out…

      Shress Spotting: Silk Chiffon Pearl Embellished Dress

      Before you say anything, no, this is not a swimsuit cover-up. Or, if it is, ASOS have clearly decided to ignore that fact, filing it in their "dresses" category and describing it as a "sheer silk chiffon dress". So basically, what we have here, ladies and gents, is your basic "shress". And, even more alarmingly, it’s a white shress being worn with black underwear. Hold us, we’re scared… Hopefully the £120 price will put most people off this shress – that’s if the fact that it’s SEE THROUGH isn’t off-putting enough, obviously.

      ‘Shresses’ by Kostas Murkudis

      Another day, another couple of "shresses" to add to the "sheer hell" section of the Fashion Police jail. These ones are by Kostas Murkudis, and we’re particularly loving the way they draw the eye right to the crotch area. Luckily, we still haven’t seen the sheer "trend" take off in the real world. We ‘re happier about that than we can possibly express…