Browsing Tag

unsolved mysteries

Crimes of Fashion

Usolved Mysteries | Finger Gloves

So, we’re all familiar with the concept of fingerless gloves, yes? They’re exactly what they sound like – gloves without fingers – and they’re designed to be worn by:

a) 80s Madonna

b) People with cold hands who need to be able to use their fingers: to type in a freezing office, say, or to perform some kind of manual, outdoor task on a very cold day.

Fingerless gloves aren’t a mystery. They’re not exactly STYLISH, sure, but they fall into that category of “things that don’t really need to be stylish, because they have a purely practical use, and as long as they fulfil that use, who cares what they look like?”

That’s fingerLESS gloves, though. Today, we’re here to discuss their polar opposite:

finger gloves

finger gloves

[Buy them here]

Behold, people: FINGER GLOVES. They’re gloves… for your fingers. And ONLY for your fingers. They’re $393 for a set of set of five (So, just under $800 if you want to glove ALL your fingers, then…), and we WERE about to arrest them for committing Daylight Robbery, but then we realised each “glove” is attached to a silver or gold ring. We guess that explains the price, but it still doesn’t explain, you know, the EXISTENCE of these, because, seriously, WHY? We can understand why you’d need gloves with no fingers (see above), but we’re not so clear on why you’d need fingers with no gloves. What is this mysterious situation in which your fingers are cold but your hands are warm? What would you be doing that would require the hand itself to be bare, while the fingers were covered? Do these scenarios eve exist? Or is this just yet another example of a fashion brand trying to dupe the innocent public into thinking we need to pay hundreds of dollars for something that will turn out to be of no use whatsoever?

Anyone care to solve this mystery for us?

Sock Horror!

Unsolved Mysteries: Freeze your calves in wool tights with cutouts

Lord knows this is a minor gripe compared to some fashion issues we could mention, but can anyone explain to us why you’d want to wear a pair of cosy, wool tights… which leave your calves totally bared to the elements? Are calves the new armpits? Do they have a tendency to get really warm, while the rest of the legs remain cold?

Further to that: why would you want to pay $79 to bare them to the elements?

Answers on a postcard (or in the comments box if it’s easier…).

(Click here to buy them)

Crimes of Fashion, Shirts & Tops

Unsolved Mysteries: Topshop’s mesh hoodie

For those looking for all the style of a hoodie, but none of the actual function of one (i.e. warmth), Topshop’s mesh version is a bargain at £30.

We guess there are probably situations where people would find this a suitable item of clothing (are there?), though, so actually, the real question here is whether a sheer hoodie should be referred to as a “shoodie”. We think we’ll probably do that anyway. Readers, meet the SHOODIE. Would you wear it?

Crimes of Fashion, Trousers/Pants

Unsolved Mysteries: The Peplum Leggings by Costume Dept.

Hmmm. Peplum leggings. Peplum leggings. Now why do you think leggings would need a peplum, readers? After all, we all know leggings are not pants, so surely the peplum would be rendered redundant by the long top you’d be forced to wear with these in order to preserve some dignity, and prevent embarrassing outbreaks of camel toe? Surely?

Unless… unless THESE leggings ARE supposed to be worn as pants? Pants with a peplum. And lace inserts down the legs. And… your butt hanging out the back of the aforementioned peplum:

Aaargh! Peplum leggings! They’re the new enemy! Run, don’t walk…

Crimes of Fashion, Dresses, Wardrobe Malfunctions

Haider Ackermann’s one shoulder dress makes wardrobe malfunctions a certainty

Now, don’t get us wrong: we’re not opposed to a hint of cleavage on a dress – as long as “hint” is the operative word. Or, OK, let’s be fair, here: sometimes it’s possible to get away with more than a “hint”, depending on the dress (and the cleavage) in question, but you have to draw the line somewhere, and we’re drawing it here, right above this Haider Ackermann number, which is £652 at Luisa Via Roma, and which barely even deserves the name “dress”, given that it’s really little more than a skirt with an extra bit of fabric to drape over the shoulder.

It would be perfect if you wanted to dress as a statue for a fancy dress party (as long as you were willing to stand with your hand cupping your boob all night, like this model), of course, but that aside, how would you wear this, readers? We’re going to be generous and assume the answer to that question begins with the words “NOT LIKE THIS”, but even assuming you’re supposed to wear something underneath it, we’re struggling to think of what that item would be. What could you wear that would protect your modesty, but not spoil the line of the dress, or look lumpy over the delicate fabric? A bra? A tank top? A woolly jumper? WHAT?

We think this is an Unsolved Mystery as well as a Crime of Fashion, but we have no doubt that Lady Gaga will be along soon to show us just how it’s done. Or how it’s NOT done, as the case may be. In the meantime, feel free to leave your suggested styling tips in the comments box!

Adult Onesie, Crimes of Fashion, Trousers/Pants

Unsolved Mysteries: Alexander Wang Geometric Off-shoulder Onesie

alexander-wang-playsuit

Ah, that magical moment when evening-wear and onesies collide!

We’re most confused by the tweed fabric used in this. When would you wear a tweed “onesie”? In some other fabric, and if, say, it had a skirt, rather than what appear to be cycling shorts at the bottom, it could just’ve worked – or at least been a whole lot less puzzling.

Of course, that would defeat the whole purpose of the tweed onesie, though, and Alexander Wang wouldn’t be able to charge $395 for it. Ah, fashion!

Crimes of Fashion, Trousers/Pants

Unsolved Mysteries: Velour playsuit from River Island

velour-playsuit

Well, thank goodness for this. Because if there HADN’T been a way to marry the worlds of velour and playsuits, AND to make their wearer look nude, but saggy, we just don’t know how we could’ve gone on living.

We are, however, confused by this garment. The velour fabric and elasticated waist seems to say “slobbing out at home”, but the strapless top says “party time!” In the same way, the bottom of the garment says “cosy” but the top says “It’s a bit nippy in here, innit? I wish I had something to cover my shoulders!”

Any ideas? Where would you wear this? Or perhaps a better question: WOULD you wear this?

River Island velour playsuit, £29.99

Fashion Police

Unsolved Mysteries: Helene Berman Knitted Veil Bobble Beanie

Helene-Berman-Knitted-Veil-OK, we’re lost: we’re big fans of Helene Berman’s wonderful collection of hats, but we’ve been racking our brains (doesn’t take us long, to be fair) and we just can’t work out why you’d need a veil on your beanie. All we can come up with is a particularly freezing funeral or a very formal fireworks display/other outdoor event that leaves you out in the cold for hours.

If you can enlighten us on the use of this object, we’d greatly appreciate it.

Helene Berman Knitted Veil Bobble Beanie, £30