Browsing Tag

ugly sweaters

Crimes of Fashion, Knitwear

Winter woolies, fashion criminal style

crime of fashion

Well, as long as your thighs are warm, who cares about freezing your butt and back?

That seems to be the thinking behind this item, anyway. And really, this isn’t so much a fashion crime as it is a fashion mystery: the kind of thing that makes us shake our head and wonder who on earth would look at something like this and think, “£125? Oh HELL yes: this is just the thing that’s missing from my life!”

Would you?

[Buy it]
Crimes of Fashion, Knitwear

Strange Sweaters from Bless

Bless turtleneck sweaters

“Gosh!” we thought, “It’s not like our old friends at Bless to make an item of clothing that looks, well, ordinary. We’re more used to seeing hairy shoes, strange, off-the-shoulder suit jackets, and who could forget the Ra Multispaghetti dress? But these… these look like regular turtleneck sweaters!”

strange sweaters

Sigh.

At least some things never change, eh?

Of course, you don’t have to be in the Fashion Police detective squad to see what happened here. Obviously one sweater stole the back right off the other one. And turned it into a … knapsack? A cape? We have no idea. The good news is that there’s really only one fashion criminal in this post: the yellow sweater is guilty as sin. Its blue brother, meanwhile, is but a helpless fashion victim, and although it may not LOOK quite as bad as  some crimes we’ve featured here, let’s face it: it’s a £400 sweater that will keep your chest warm while your back freezes – what kind of future can it possibly have?

[Buy them]
Crimes of Fashion, Knitwear

Unsolved Mysteries: Acne ‘Gladys Light’ grey sweater

Acne Gladys light sweater

Something’s missing here.

Over the years we’ve been policing the world of fashion, we’ve come to the conclusion that  fashion victims live in a completely different climate from the rest of us. In fashion land, it’s always warm enough for shorts… but also cold enough for boots. It’s cold enough for the fashionista’s favourite thing – LAYERING, and LOTS OF IT – but at the same time warm enough for bare legs and sandals. And today we learn that in the land of the fashionable, it’s often cold enough to need a thick-knick sweater… but simultaneously so warm that you’d want to hack a huge square out of the front of it, exposing your naked body from nipple to clavicle.

We want to know where this place is, that has such an incomprehensible climate. Failing that, we’ll settle for knowing where the fashionistas are going dressed like this. Seriously, where would you wear this sweater? It’s not work appropriate; it’s not particularly “casual”, but it’s not really “dressy” either. But, you know, you paid £170 for it, you better be going to wear it. So, where?

[Buy it]
Crimes of Fashion, Knitwear

Bad fashion is watching you…

Sonia Rykiel eye sweater

This is a sweater.

We know.

The good news is it’s already sold out, so there’s no chance of anyone buying it and actually wearing it. (Or, wait: maybe that’s the bad news, because it means people are already wearing it?)

The bad news, meanwhile, is that it may be sold out, but it’s still watching you. And it will no doubt be appearing in your nightmares tonight.

Have a good weekend!

Crimes of Fashion, Knitwear

Meet the Mitchelin Woman…

Bless Mitchelin sweater

This post WAS supposed to be about Bless’s aptly-named ‘Mitchelin’ sweater, but actually, now we come to write it, all we can think about is those shoes. Oh, those shoes! The peep-toe boot rule is in full effect here, but honestly, we think the model is probably using the gargatuan sweater purely as a distraction technique, to draw our eyes away from those Frankenshoes. And we don’t blame her.

We think the original £708 was maybe a little steep for this sweater (Although, mind you, it’ll definitely keep you warm. And you won’t have to buy any more sweaters ever again, because this sweater is like twenty sweaters.) but perhaps the sale price of £354 will make it more appealing to you? If it does. you can click here to buy it. But only if you promise not to wear it like the model on the right…

Crimes of Fashion, Knitwear

Moschino Not-So-Cheap-or-Chic

Moschino Cheap & Chic sweater

“No, seriously, I’m a size 0 – look how tiny my clothes are!”

Well, that’s one way to try to trick people into thinking you wear a smaller size than you really do, we guess. And also a good way to make yourself look like you’ve been raiding the wardrobe of very tiny people. Win-win!

[Click here to buy it at Yoox.com]
Crimes of Fashion, Knitwear

The Plucked Ostrich Sweater

Last winter, the trend was lots of fur, feathers, and basically anything else that would drive home the point that you were wearing a dead animal on your body.

This year, however, it’s far cooler to look like you’re STILL wearing that animal, but it’s starting to look a little the worse for wear, hence the “plucked bird” effect. 

What do you think: cosy and cute, or just… a little bit sad?

(Click here to buy it)

Crimes of Fashion, Knitwear

The Holiday Sweater Gets a Fashion Makeover, Courtesy of Andrea Crews

If you’ve been reading this site for a long, long, time, you’ll already know that we hate holiday sweaters.

And actually, even if you’ve only been reading this site for a short, short time, it’s the kind of thing you could probably have worked out for yourselves, isn’t it?

As well as straying deeply into Dress Like a Toddler territory, most holiday sweaters are garish, ugly, and very much the kind of thing children’s TV presenters used to wear back in the 80s. None of this bodes well.

Now, however, the holiday sweater is a fashion statement. We know this, because designers have started to make them, and as every good fashion victim knows, if it has a designer label in it, it must be good. The one above is by Andrea Crews, is £219, and we suspect has been created with a heavy dose of irony: we hope so, anyway. “Look!” the sweater seems to say. “I’m a reindeer with a snowman on my head! And I’m wearing those hideous Christmas themed earrings some women love so much. Could I BE any more ridiculous?”

(Yes, in our minds, the reindeer speaks just like Chandler Bing. We know not why.)

Ironic or not, though, the question is, would you buy it? Click here if so…

Crimes of Fashion, Knitwear

Miharayasuhiro’s $873 sweater: distressing

Aww, man! Don’t you just HATE it when this happens? You get your £571 / $873 designer sweater home, and then the very first time you wear it, it starts to unravel on you! Gah.

Browns describe this as “distressed”. Well, it’s certainly distressed US all right, because seriously: even without the holes, WHO would pay almost $900 for an ordinary looking beige sweater? WHO?

(If it’s you, click here to buy it.)

Crimes of Fashion, Knitwear

Double the crime, double the price: TAO sweater with handbag detail

At first glance, we assumed this was a simple case of Stuck-Together-Clothes. Upon re-examination of the evidence, however, we’re just not convinced that the handbag stuck to the front of this sweater has any real function other than a decorative one, so we now have to conclude that it’s just ugly. (Which is kind of disappointing actually, because if it had been a handbag AND a sweater, that would have at least helped explain the $895 price tag. Double the crime, double the price, after all…)

Or is it?

We guess if you really like handbags – and this one in particular – you might find this the perfect way to demonstrate that love. To wear your handbag close to your heart, so to speak. And if you would, well, you better get yourself over to Colette quickly, before they sell out. Click here to buy this, or just click on the comments box to tell us what you think of it: up to you.

Crimes of Fashion, Knitwear

Revenge of the Pointy-Headed Mannequins

Barneys, you’re scaring us. In fact, we’re shaking in our stilettos here.

We’re not just scared because this nauseatingly hideous Duro Olowu polo cardigan is apparently worth $935 to you, although that’s frightening enough, and if we let ourselves think about it too long, we just bet we won’t be able to sleep tonight.

No, we’re also scared because of the pointy-headed mannequin.

WHAT’S WITH THE POINTY-HEADED MANNEQUIN, BARNEYS?!

Seriously, are you trying to give us all heart-attacks? You can’t destroy the Fashion Police with fear, you know, (Well, you kind of can, to be honest, but we’re not going to tell you that) but we think that by creating this army of Pointy-Headed Mannequins (PHMs), you’re probably planning to try and take over the world. The Mannequins will come, and they will bring their $1000 cardigans to ensure that the Fashion Victims shall inherit the earth. Actually, we’re pretty sure Pointy-Headed Mannequins are one of the four horsemen of the fashion apocalypse, no?

They’re coming, readers. And they’re wearing expensive ugly knitwear:

Continue Reading

Crimes of Fashion, Knitwear

Show some skin in Whistles’ ‘Marissa’ burnout sweater

We must confess, we were more than a little surprised to discover that this sweater is by Whistles: they’re not a brand we tend to associate with the kind of clothing that leaves you in danger of committing an act of  indecent exposure if you happen to move the wrong way in them, but perhaps they’ve decided it’s time to get “edgy”. And possibly to get arrested by The Fashion Police, depending on what you think of this creation of theirs.

As you can see, this is a sweater with lots of sheer panels, which we guess makes it as “shweater”. It looks a bit like an unfinished jigsaw puzzle, which will either totally expose your undergarments, or totally expose much of the flesh on your torso, if you decide not to wear any undergarments.

What do you think of this one, readers? Is the world ready for the shweater, do you think? If so, you can buy this one at ASOS.com, where it’s £125.

Crimes of Fashion, Skirts

Citizen’s Arrest: Charlotte Ronson high waisted pencil skirt with zip

Scratchy sweater, anyone?

Scratchy sweater, anyone?

Citizen’s Arrest carried out by: Selina

Alleged Perp: Charlotte Ronson high waisted pencil skirt with zip

Hey, remember those scratchy sweaters some elderly relative would always give you for Christmas? They’d itch like mad, but you’d be forced to dutifully wear them at least once a year, just to be polite?

Well, they make just as ugly skirts, too, don’t they?

Verdict: Remanded into Fashion Police custody: bail set at $79.80, payable to Shopbop.

Knitwear

Sequins inflitrate the world of knitwear: Topshop’s gold sequin sweater

topshop-sequin-sweaterWhen we first laid eyes on this sweater, we must admit, we didn’t know WHAT to think. It was almost as if the sheer shininess of it had a kind of stunning effect on us, which wiped all thoughts from our minds and left us just staring there at the sweater, and maybe dribbling slightly.

Now that we’ve recovered, we… well, actually, we STILL don’t know what to think. We’re tempted to view this as a particularly flamboyant breed of Christmas sweater, but of course, it could just be further evidence of the current fashion ruling stating that everything must be covered in sequins at all times, OR ELSE.

What do you think of it, readers? If you like it, it’s £60 at Topshop.