ugly sweaters

crime of fashion

Winter woolies, fashion criminal style

Well, as long as your thighs are warm, who cares about freezing your butt and back? That seems to be the thinking behind this item, anyway. And really, this isn’t so much a fashion crime as it is a fashion mystery: the kind of thing that makes us shake our head and wonder who on earth would look at something like this and think, “£125? Oh HELL yes: this is just the thing that’s missing from my life!” Would you? [Buy it]

roadkill sweater

Crime of Fashion: The Roadkill Sweater

Just in case it wasn’t bad enough, that’s real fur attached to it, to create this strange, “This is the skin of the tiger that mauled me” effect. That certainly explains why it’s £200 on sale, but it doesn’t even begin to explain why it exists, does it? [Product page]

Bless turtleneck sweaters

Strange Sweaters from Bless

“Gosh!” we thought, “It’s not like our old friends at Bless to make an item of clothing that looks, well, ordinary. We’re more used to seeing hairy shoes, strange, off-the-shoulder suit jackets, and who could forget the Ra Multispaghetti dress? But these… these look like regular turtleneck sweaters!” Sigh. At least some things never change, eh? Of course, you don’t have to be in the Fashion Police detective squad to see what happened here. Obviously one sweater stole the back right off the other one. And turned it into a … knapsack? A cape? We have no idea. The good news is that there’s really only one fashion criminal in this post: the yellow sweater is guilty as sin. Its blue…

Acne Gladys light sweater

Unsolved Mysteries: Acne ‘Gladys Light’ grey sweater

Something’s missing here. Over the years we’ve been policing the world of fashion, we’ve come to the conclusion that  fashion victims live in a completely different climate from the rest of us. In fashion land, it’s always warm enough for shorts… but also cold enough for boots. It’s cold enough for the fashionista’s favourite thing – LAYERING, and LOTS OF IT – but at the same time warm enough for bare legs and sandals. And today we learn that in the land of the fashionable, it’s often cold enough to need a thick-knick sweater… but simultaneously so warm that you’d want to hack a huge square out of the front of it, exposing your naked body from nipple to clavicle….

Sonia Rykiel eye sweater

Bad fashion is watching you…

This is a sweater. We know. The good news is it’s already sold out, so there’s no chance of anyone buying it and actually wearing it. (Or, wait: maybe that’s the bad news, because it means people are already wearing it?) The bad news, meanwhile, is that it may be sold out, but it’s still watching you. And it will no doubt be appearing in your nightmares tonight. Have a good weekend!

Bless Mitchelin sweater

Meet the Mitchelin Woman…

This post WAS supposed to be about Bless’s aptly-named ‘Mitchelin’ sweater, but actually, now we come to write it, all we can think about is those shoes. Oh, those shoes! The peep-toe boot rule is in full effect here, but honestly, we think the model is probably using the gargatuan sweater purely as a distraction technique, to draw our eyes away from those Frankenshoes. And we don’t blame her. We think the original £708 was maybe a little steep for this sweater (Although, mind you, it’ll definitely keep you warm. And you won’t have to buy any more sweaters ever again, because this sweater is like twenty sweaters.) but perhaps the sale price of £354 will make it more appealing…

Moschino Cheap & Chic sweater

Moschino Not-So-Cheap-or-Chic

“No, seriously, I’m a size 0 – look how tiny my clothes are!” Well, that’s one way to try to trick people into thinking you wear a smaller size than you really do, we guess. And also a good way to make yourself look like you’ve been raiding the wardrobe of very tiny people. Win-win! [Click here to buy it at Yoox.com]

The Creepiest Shirt in the World: official

“Oh, look!” we thought. “Net-a-Porter has started showing some of the clothes on headless mannequins! How weird!” Folks, that’s not a mannequin. And it’s thankfully not a model with her head missing. Those are gloves. And they’re attached to the sweater. We have SO MANY QUESTIONS HERE:

The Plucked Ostrich Sweater

Last winter, the trend was lots of fur, feathers, and basically anything else that would drive home the point that you were wearing a dead animal on your body. This year, however, it’s far cooler to look like you’re STILL wearing that animal, but it’s starting to look a little the worse for wear, hence the “plucked bird” effect.  What do you think: cosy and cute, or just… a little bit sad? (Click here to buy it)

The Holiday Sweater Gets a Fashion Makeover, Courtesy of Andrea Crews

If you’ve been reading this site for a long, long, time, you’ll already know that we hate holiday sweaters. And actually, even if you’ve only been reading this site for a short, short time, it’s the kind of thing you could probably have worked out for yourselves, isn’t it? As well as straying deeply into Dress Like a Toddler territory, most holiday sweaters are garish, ugly, and very much the kind of thing children’s TV presenters used to wear back in the 80s. None of this bodes well. Now, however, the holiday sweater is a fashion statement. We know this, because designers have started to make them, and as every good fashion victim knows, if it has a designer label…

Miharayasuhiro’s $873 sweater: distressing

Aww, man! Don’t you just HATE it when this happens? You get your £571 / $873 designer sweater home, and then the very first time you wear it, it starts to unravel on you! Gah. Browns describe this as “distressed”. Well, it’s certainly distressed US all right, because seriously: even without the holes, WHO would pay almost $900 for an ordinary looking beige sweater? WHO? (If it’s you, click here to buy it.)

Double the crime, double the price: TAO sweater with handbag detail

At first glance, we assumed this was a simple case of Stuck-Together-Clothes. Upon re-examination of the evidence, however, we’re just not convinced that the handbag stuck to the front of this sweater has any real function other than a decorative one, so we now have to conclude that it’s just ugly. (Which is kind of disappointing actually, because if it had been a handbag AND a sweater, that would have at least helped explain the $895 price tag. Double the crime, double the price, after all…) Or is it? We guess if you really like handbags – and this one in particular – you might find this the perfect way to demonstrate that love. To wear your handbag close to…

Revenge of the Pointy-Headed Mannequins

Barneys, you’re scaring us. In fact, we’re shaking in our stilettos here. We’re not just scared because this nauseatingly hideous Duro Olowu polo cardigan is apparently worth $935 to you, although that’s frightening enough, and if we let ourselves think about it too long, we just bet we won’t be able to sleep tonight. No, we’re also scared because of the pointy-headed mannequin. WHAT’S WITH THE POINTY-HEADED MANNEQUIN, BARNEYS?! Seriously, are you trying to give us all heart-attacks? You can’t destroy the Fashion Police with fear, you know, (Well, you kind of can, to be honest, but we’re not going to tell you that) but we think that by creating this army of Pointy-Headed Mannequins (PHMs), you’re probably planning to…

Show some skin in Whistles’ ‘Marissa’ burnout sweater

We must confess, we were more than a little surprised to discover that this sweater is by Whistles: they’re not a brand we tend to associate with the kind of clothing that leaves you in danger of committing an act of  indecent exposure if you happen to move the wrong way in them, but perhaps they’ve decided it’s time to get “edgy”. And possibly to get arrested by The Fashion Police, depending on what you think of this creation of theirs. As you can see, this is a sweater with lots of sheer panels, which we guess makes it as “shweater”. It looks a bit like an unfinished jigsaw puzzle, which will either totally expose your undergarments, or totally expose much of…

Citizen’s Arrest: Charlotte Ronson high waisted pencil skirt with zip

Citizen’s Arrest carried out by: Selina Alleged Perp: Charlotte Ronson high waisted pencil skirt with zip Hey, remember those scratchy sweaters some elderly relative would always give you for Christmas? They’d itch like mad, but you’d be forced to dutifully wear them at least once a year, just to be polite? Well, they make just as ugly skirts, too, don’t they? Verdict: Remanded into Fashion Police custody: bail set at $79.80, payable to Shopbop.

Sequins inflitrate the world of knitwear: Topshop’s gold sequin sweater

When we first laid eyes on this sweater, we must admit, we didn’t know WHAT to think. It was almost as if the sheer shininess of it had a kind of stunning effect on us, which wiped all thoughts from our minds and left us just staring there at the sweater, and maybe dribbling slightly. Now that we’ve recovered, we… well, actually, we STILL don’t know what to think. We’re tempted to view this as a particularly flamboyant breed of Christmas sweater, but of course, it could just be further evidence of the current fashion ruling stating that everything must be covered in sequins at all times, OR ELSE. What do you think of it, readers? If you like it,…