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Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

The Ugliest Shoes of 2012

The ugliest shoes of 2012

Greetings, Fashion Police officers!

We hope you’re all enjoying a super-stylish holiday season. We’re interrupting the festivities today, however, to continue our look back at the ghosts of fashion crimes past, namely the ugliest shoes of 2012.

This year, as we’ve mentioned before, has not been a good one for footwear. The flatforms of 2011 did NOT continue the reign of terror they’d been planning, thankfully, but instead we found ourselves dealing with something even worse: the hoof shoe. Yes, feet like hooves were all the rage this year, and whether you wanted furry fetlocks or just giant, clompy hooves, you wouldn’t have had any difficulty finding them.

Here are just a few of the horrors we locked up this year: you’ll find the original posts in our shoe archive

Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Frankenshoes: Ugg boots meet ankle boots

high-heeled Ugg bootsAn Ugg-style boot, stuffed inside a platform ankle boot. Now we really HAVE seen it all, huh?

We’re going to guess the main excuse for these will be “But they’re SO! COSY!” Yeah, yeah. They may well be “cosy”, but we actually think we’d prefer ACTUAL Ugg boots – and that’s saying something. They may ALSO be ugly, but at least they’re not pretending to be anything other than what they are, you know?

Still, if you were wondering what a high-heeled Ugg would look like, at least you now have your answer.

Er, no one was actually wondering about that, were they?

[Buy them]

 

Shoes, Style On Trial

Style Trial: Giuseppe Zanotti Mixed Media Curved-Wedge Platform Ankle Boots

Giuseppe Zanotti Mixed Media Curved-Wedge Platform Ankle Boots

These exist.

Should they exist, though: that is the question we’re here today to ponder.

They’re by Giuseppe Zanotti, they’re a whopping £2,070, but despite costing more than a beat-up car, they’re not exactly the most versatile pieces of footwear in the world, consisting of the heel-less silhouette we’ve become oh-so-familiar with over the past few years, topped with expensive-looking Swarovski crystals and finished with cheap looking pink plastic spikes. They’re something of a contradiction then, which leaves us wondering who would wear such a thing? At the moment, all we can come up with is a teenage punk bride with a trust fund. Your guesses are welcome. Oh, as are your judgements on whether or not these constitute a crime of fashion…

[Buy them]
Shoes, Style On Trial

Style Trial: Nicholas Kirkwood Two Faces Pointed Toe Boots

 Nicholas Kirkwood Two Faces Pointed Toe Boots

 Nicholas Kirkwood Two Faces Pointed Toe Boots

The Fashion Police have long believed that clothes and shoes shouldn’t have faces.

We also firmly believe they shouldn’t have HAIR.

Still, we have to admit that the ponytails on these Nicholas Kirkwood boots make us feel a bit nostalgic. It would be a bit like having an adult My Little Pony, wouldn’t it? You could braid it! And tie ribbons in it! And… OK, maybe not.

What do you think, Fashion Police jurors? Are these a crime of fashion, or are you already trying to decide what you’re going to name them?

[Buy them]
Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Strange Fruit: Irregular Choice’s Dan Sullivan collection

Irregular Choice's bouquet heels by Dan Sullivan collection

Irregular Choice's Shoes with tassels by Dan Sullivan collection

Irregular Choice's Red platforms shoes with hanging grapes by Dan Sullivan collection

There are shoes hiding under the fruit and flowers in these photos, we promise: would you want to wear them, though, that’s the question?

These are just a small sampling of some of the styles available from Irregular Choice’s Dan Sullivan collection. As many of you will know, Mr Sullivan is the founder and creative force behind Irregular Choice, so the fact that this collection is a little bit “out there” (to put it mildly) is no less than we’d expect from the brand which has brought us some of the strangest footwear ever to grace The Fashion Police’s jail cells. Don’t worry, though: not ALL of the shoes are covered in flora n’ fruit. There’s also this:

Dan Sullivan Visionary Viper

The Visionary Viper boot, complete with clear pouch containing a doll, a teddy bear and enough other small toys to keep your inner five-year-old more than happy.

Do these make YOU happy, though? If they do, you can buy them all here: don’t click the link until you’ve told us what you think of them, though!

Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Strange Shoes: Upcycled cowboy boots

lace covered cowboy boots

You know how, when you buy new shoes, they often come wrapped in tissue paper, to protect them from damage inside the box?

You all know you’re supposed to remove that tissue paper before you wear them, right?

OK. Just checking. These boots are wrapped in fabric, not paper, but they still create the same kind of impression for us. We’re also wondering just how practical it’ll be to have that white fabric trailing around next to the muddy ground. Is it just us who’d have that ruined within seconds? Do other people have pristine streets to walk on? Aren’t cowboy boots supposed to look a little bit roughed-up?

These wouldn’t work for us, but that, of course, doesn’t mean they won’t work for anyone else, in which case you need to know that they’re vintage boots, which have been “upcycled” with the addition of things like fabric, belts, and other accessories, so every pair is different.

What do you think? Would you wear these? Could you keep them clean?

[Buy them]
Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Footwear Impostors: Robert Clergerie Karco Tassle Heeled Ankle Boots

Robert Clergerie Karco Tassle Heeled Ankle Boots

Did you know The Fashion Police celebrated its sixth birthday last month?

Six years, and after all this time, designers are STILL attaching shoes to socks and acting like that’s a totally reasonable thing to do. As if people buy a pair of shoes, and then always wear them with exactly the same socks for the rest of their lives, never once wanting to try something different: something REALLY adventurous, like, say, a DIFFERENT PAIR OF SOCKS.

We’re fighting a losing battle, Officers. The Impostors are taking over. They are winning. Only you can stop them, Fashion Force. Rise up against the Footwear Impostors. Refuse to allow your socks to be attached to your shoes. Wear DIFFERENT socks from time to time, just to show them that we all still have minds of our own, and that we’re perfectly capable of matching hoisery with shoes, without having to pay a designer brand £340 to make the difficult decision for us.

We CAN beat them. We’re not saying it’ll be easy, but the important things in life never are,  are they?

[Project Page]
Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Frankenshoes: Finsk ‘Project B’ extreme wedge shoes

Finsk Project B wedges

Um… maybe they’re more comfortable than they look?

Well, they can’t possibly be LESS comfortable than they look now, can they? And presumably it must actually be possible to walk in them. No one would buy shoes they couldn’t actually walk in. Would they?

These are by Finsk, and they have a 6 3/4″ wedge with 3″ platform. Do you think you could walk in them? Would you want to?

[Buy them]
Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Crime of Fashion? Iron Fist ‘Lounge Days’ wedges

Iron Fist Lounge Days wedges

We know Iron Fist has a huge, dedicated fan base, who think this particular brand can do no wrong.

We’re not saying we understand it, mind. We don’t think we’ll ever understand what makes people want to look like their feet are being devoured by zombies, but we seem to be in the minority there (On the plus side, we’ll be the only ones left standing when the zombie apocalypse comes to pass…), so for the most part, we allow Iron Fist to go peacefully about their business.

Until now, that is. Because when we came across these Lounge Days wedges on the pages of Heels.com, with their “Cruella would love it” fur cuff and floral vamp, we actually felt like our eyeballs were being mugged, and that’s a sure sign of a fashion crime in progress.

Anyone want to step in and defend these before we write up a citation?

[Product Page]
Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

These shoes need a haircut…

hairy shoes

It’s not every day you can pop into the salon and ask your stylist if she’d mind giving your shoes a quick tidy-up as well as your hair, is it?

We reckon that if the hair on your shoes is long enough to tempt you to give it a quick going-over with the ol’ curling iron, it’s probably a good sign that you’re committing a crime of fashion.

Actually, scratch that: let’s just say that when you have hair on your shoes, THAT’S a good sign in itself that you’re probably committing a crime of fashion. Agreed?

[Buy them]
Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Frankenshoes: Gareth Pugh wedge boots

Gareth Pugh wedge boots

We’d like to propose a new addition to the Fashion Police rulebook:

Boots which look like they could conceivably pass as roadkill of some description should automatically be considered crimes of fashion, and subject to instant arrest and imprisonment. Hair is not for heels. Hooves are for horses, not for humans. And Gareth Pugh is obviously some kind of fashion genius, to be able to persuade people to part with over $1,000 for shoes that look like this.

[Buy it]
Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Frankenshoes: The Ultima Shoe by Gold Dot

super high platform shoes

Look, we like high heels as much as the next woman. More, even. We’re also no strangers to the ridiculously high platform, and when people gasp in horror and say, “But how can you WALK in them?!” we simply raise one eyebrow and think, why wouldn’t we be able to walk in them? They’re shoes, after all. If it wasn’t possible to walk in them, they wouldn’t be available to buy.

OR WOULD THEY?

These shoes, you see, would give even The Fashion Police pause for thought, and not JUST because they’re so ugly we’ve had to send one of the officers out to stock up on eyeball bleach. No, it’s because of the 3.5″ platform. That’s higher than many heels, folks, and THEN there’s a heel on top of it. So, you wouldn’t want to be the clumsy type, is what we’re saying. Or the stylish type, come to think of it, because these, well, aren’t. Or not in our humble opinion, anyway: you are, as always, free to differ, and you’re also free to spend $190 on them.

Do you think you could walk in them?

[Buy them]
Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Impostor Alert! Camilla Skovgaard 120mm covered open toe boots wedges

ugly boots

OK, officers: this is the second Footwear Impostor we’ve sighted today, and it’s a bad ‘un – we’re officially declaring a state of emergency. We’re worried that this is the start of a fashion crime wave, with mysterious, hooded boots taking over the world, one pair of feet at a time.
fashion crime boots
The fact that we don’t even know just what it is these particular boots are pretending to be makes us think they’re probably dangerous: if you see them, do not approach them. Just call the Fashion Police: we’ll be there as soon as we can…
Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Crime of Fashion: Givenchy red knee high boots

givenchy red knee high boots

Oh hey, look! A post box without an opening for the mail! How odd.

Or… is it?

red knee high boots

Well, how ’bout that? They’re boots. Red, knee-high, £1,500 could-totally-pass-for-a-pair-of-post-boxes boots.

Don’t believe us?

red heel on Givenchy boots

They have a hidden heel. Totally makes sense now, doesn’t it? And while normally our Footwear Impostors are shoes pretending to be socks, or some other form of footwear, we have to admit, we’re impressed by the creativity that led these ones to impersonate post boxes.

Just not so impressed we’re willing to overlook the fact that they’re a clear crime of fashion, obviously…

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