ugly dresses

high-low dresses

The high-low dress gets a makeover, is still inexplicable

When we heard that the high-low dress had been re-invented, we were ecstatic. “About time!” we said. “These things have only been fashionable for a short time, and we’re already sick of the infernal things!” [For the benefit of the uninitiated, a “high-low” dress is one which is short at the front, but long at the back – or sometimes long at the sides, with two floaty side-panels surrounding a mini-skirt. You may also know it as the “mullet dress”. We certainly do.] It’s not that we HATE the high-low dress, you understand. As fashion crimes go, there are much bigger ones out there. It’s just that every time we see one (Which is a lot. You can’t look at fashion…

Miss Francesca Couture Leopard Deep V Prom Dress

Citizen’s Arrest: Miss Francesca Couture Leopard Deep V Prom Dress

This crime was called in by concerned citizen Hannah, who’s spotted the perp over at ASOS.com, and known instantly that there was something very, very wrong. And by “something”, we mean “many things”. When our officers arrived on the scene, they didn’t know what to book this dress for first: The length? The cleavage? The Dynasty-style puffy sleeves? The print? ALL OF THESE THINGS COMBINED? In the end, we arrested it on multiple charges. And it looks like we got there just in the nick of time, too, because: This crime is spreading. Not content to restrict itself to just one dress, it’s infiltrated two of them. Did we mention that this will cost you £260? The model is now recovering in…

comme des garcons oversized dress

Does my butt look big in this?

Thanks to Comme des Garcobs, the answer posed in the question will always be “yes”. Yes, your butt DOES look kinda big in that dress, now you come to mention it! And so does you hips, toso, and… well, just everything, really. That’s the whole point, though: this dress is part of a whole range of “oversized” items from Comme des Garcons, and they’re designed to make everything look that little bit – or, OK, that BIG bit – larger than life. We don’t know: we guess you could say it’s a refreshing change from all of the clothes designed to make us look smaller and thinner? And at least with these, you definitely won’t have to worry about undoing…

sheer dress by John Galliano

The Emperor’s New…John Galliano dress

Well, it seems that John Galliano has some strange ideas about what is A Dress and what is Not a Dress. Just for Mr G, and anyone else who is similarly confused, we’d like to clarify that this is Not a Dress. We repeat: Not a Dress. No, this is an invisible cape, with a bow at the neck. If you wear it in public, you will be at risk of ACTUAL arrest, not just Fashion Police arrest. You’ll also have spent $949 to look like you’re naked. If that doesn’t put you off, nothing will… [Product Page]

Crime of Fashion: the Knee-Window dress

Crime of Fashion: the Knee-Window dress

This week alone has saw us arrest an item with a boob window, and an item with a back window. It figures the knee-window was the next logical – well, illogical – step, huh? That said, we think this whole window trend should stop right here. Before someone decides it’s time for a “butt window” or something equally… oh. Seriously, what is this fascination with fashion designers cutting large, square holes in items of clothing? Is it too much to ask that clothes be left window-less every once in a while? Also: is it just us, or would this have been a crime of fashion even without the knee window? [Buy it]

underwear as outerwear

The underwear-as-outerwear look goes too far

Seriously, guys, if you absolutely MUST show your bra, through a purpose-build “boob window” cut into the front of your dress, at least wear a bra WORTH showing off, ya know? Not that boring old beige number that’s perfect under white tops, but closely resembles – and maybe even is – the unsexiest shapewear ever. With all of that said: don’t flash your bra through a boob-window dress, OK? Please tell us that bit goes without saying? [Product Page]

ASOS dungaree skirt

Skirt, meet shredder

Well, this was an unfortunate accident, wasn’t it? And although it’s hard to imagine the exact sequence of events that must have led to this demure looking dungaree dress being sucked helplessly into the office shredder (We’d love to see the movie version of that, though. It would make an excellent fashionista thriller, wouldn’t it? Did we just invent a new genre?), it happens, people. Well, it happened. To this poor model. Now she’ll have to just live with the consequences: shredded skirt, shredded dignity – who knows the knock-on effects this could have, or the many years of therapy she might need to get over it. You think they’re just clothes, readers, but trust us: they’re SO MUCH MORE…

Crime of Fashion: The Wildcat Dress

< Hands up! This is a Fashion Police bust! Or, on second thoughts: HANDS DOWN. Because if you put your hands up in this dress, we’ll have to arrest you on two counts: 1. Wearing an astonishingly ugly dress. With a cheetah on it. 2. Showing us all your underwear. This isn’t the first time we’ve encountered the fashion mystery that is the dress with its sleeves attached to its hem, of course, but we’re no further forward in our quest to understand why anyone would want to walk around with their hands attached to their dress all day. Sure, it creates an interesting shape, but what if you need to reach for something on a high shelf? Or wave...

print fringe dress

Crime of Fashion: Print fringe dress by Rare

We have Gemma, over at Catwalk Queen, to thank for calling in this particular Crime of Fashion. We’ve no idea how our officers managed to miss it when it first appeared on the Topshop website, but we’re relieved to see that no lasting damage appears to have been done by it being allowed to enjoy its liberty up until now: it’s been reduced to £10 in the sale, and there were still a few available at the time of arrest, so hopefully there aren’t too many people out there who’ve fallen victim to this dress, and its fringed ways. It’s now safely in Fashion Police custody: we can all sleep easy tonight… [Buy it]

crime of fashion dress

Animal print gets literal

There are lots of things to dislike about this dress. In fact, we could arrest it on multiple charges, if we really felt like it. Every time we look at it, though, there’s just one big question on our minds: What, exactly, are the two tigers looking at? Is it her navel? Her crotch? WHAT? And why do they look like whatever it is they’re staring so intently at is what’s for dinner? You can’t not see it now, can you? Buy it

Samara The Ring Costume

Modelling is Hard: The Ring Edition

Is anyone else seeing Samara/Sadako from The Ring here? Because this creepy all-in one (yes, the “hair-in-front-of-the-face” thing is attached to the rest of it, which… well, we guess it would come in handy if you had a particularly bad skin breakout. Let’s just leave it at that, shall we?) will certainly be giving us nightmares tonight, that’s for sure. And not just because someone’s going to pay £829 for it, either. Here’s what it looks like on its own: At least it would come in handy on a bad hair day? Or if you had a bad breakout of spots? This is by Bless, who call it the ‘Ra Multispaghetti dress”. We promise we’re not making this up. Click…

cage dress

Locked Up: Moonspoon Saloon The Bride Velvet Cage Dress

You have to wonder what her bellybutton did to justify putting it behind bars like this, don’t you? And whether the collarbone was an actual accomplice, or just an innocent bystander that got caught up in the madness. We don’t have to wonder what the dress did to get itself locked up in the Fashion Police jail, though, do we? It committed Crimes of Fashion. And you all know what happens to clothes which commit crimes of fashion… [Moonspoon Saloon The Bride Velvet Cage Dress, $435: click here to buy it]

Tube dress meets denim skirt

Stuck Together Clothes Crimes: Tube dress meets denim skirt

Can’t decide whether to wear your tube dress or your denim mini skirt? Don’t be silly, people: you don’t HAVE to decide! Well, not as long as designers persist with the terrible habit of sticking random items of clothing together, anyway. We’re not totally sure what the purpose of this one was supposed to be, but we’re thinking she looks like she’s wearing a very long top underneath her very long skirt. Which is…one kind of look, certainly. Is it your kind of look, though? Click here to buy it if you answered yes…

Sea Urchin print dress

Crime of Fashion? Easton Pearson Sea Urchin Dress

Suspect: Easton Pearson printed dress, £865 at Net-a-Porter Accused of: Crimes against fashion including creating the illusion of a totally rectangular body shape; being laughably expensive Well, that’s one way to disguise a food baby, that’s sure. Or any little lumps and bumps you’re feeling a little bit self-conscious about. Or, you know, your whole figure. Because who wants to look like a human being when you could be a giant, walking rectangle? WHO? [Click here to buy it]  

Viktor & Rolf shirt dress

Laundry day will make fashion criminals of us all…

“No, seriously you guys: I literally have nothing to wear! I just had to tie my boyfriend’s shirt around my torso and hope people will think it’s a fashion statement!” Don’t you just hate laundry day? And admire the creativity of this model, who managed to craft herself something to wear, when all she had was her boyfriend’s old shirt and a pair of nail scissors? And people say the youth of today are lazy! Viktor & Rolf shirt dress, £275, Yoox.com: click here to buy it.

Jil Sander Tartan organza and cotton dress

Style Trial: Jil Sander Tartan organza and cotton dress

Net-a-Porter have been promoting this Jil Sander dress fairly heavily this week, which puzzles us a little, because we’re seeing a dinner lady’s apron with some kind of protective fabric over the top. You know, so you can wipe it clean. Are you seeing something else when you look at this dress? Something good? If you are, you better speak up, because otherwise this is going straight to fashion jail. So: innocent or guilty, what’s the verdict?

Viktor & Rolf green tie-neck dress

Style Trial: Viktor & Rolf Green Open Shoulder Neck Tie Dress

As some of you may know, The Fashion Police are big fans of the colour green, and we’re not averse to bows on the neck either. And yet… as soon as we laid eyes on this Viktor & Rolf dress, we just fell about laughing. And we can’t seem to stop. In fact, we’re laughing as we type this now. It’s like she’s dressed as a lettuce for Halloween. And, judging by the slightly stunned expression on her face, this photo seems to capture the exact moment when she realises she’s spent $1,645 to look like this: classic! Do you think there’s a way this dress could work? Or do you agree with us that it’s a Crime of Fashion?…