the emperor’s new clothes

The Emperor’s New Tops by Topshop Boutique

[All items: Topshop] “Hmmm,” we thought, “Those are some cute sweatshirts. Bit pricey at £50 each, mind you, but still: unusual colours, inoffensive enough shapes…. Nope, no crime being committed here, that’s for sure!” Then we clicked on to the model images, and… Oh. It’s like that, is it. The visible labels are the best, aren’t they? They really make the outfit, you know? So edgy! Now, we hate to point out the glaringly obvious here, and we do realise that these are (probably) intended to be layered over other items, but even so, there’s just no getting away from the fact that these garments are almost invisible to the naked eye. They’re just one small step away from wearing…

fringed waistcoat

Citizen’s Arrest: Lascivious Kasia Fringed Waistcoat

Our thanks go to Fashion Police reader Caroline for calling in this particular crime of fashion. Now, ordinarily we don’t involve ourselves with lingerie. (Er, we’re assuming this is supposed to be lingerie. These days you can never really tell, though, can you?) After all, as long as people aren’t wearing it in public, it’s really none of our business. But… an invisible waistcoat? With fringes? And people are paying £119 (full price) or £59.50 (sale price) for it? In such large quantities that it’s now low in stock? Folks, it looks like we’ve worked out what The Emperor wears in private. So at least that’s one mystery solved. As to the mystery of who else might wear such an…

sheer dress by John Galliano

The Emperor’s New…John Galliano dress

Well, it seems that John Galliano has some strange ideas about what is A Dress and what is Not a Dress. Just for Mr G, and anyone else who is similarly confused, we’d like to clarify that this is Not a Dress. We repeat: Not a Dress. No, this is an invisible cape, with a bow at the neck. If you wear it in public, you will be at risk of ACTUAL arrest, not just Fashion Police arrest. You’ll also have spent $949 to look like you’re naked. If that doesn’t put you off, nothing will… [Product Page]

ASOS Full Skirt with Sequin Knickers

ASOS Full Skirt with Sequin Knickers commits multiple fashion offences

We were about to call this in as a straightforward case of “Emperor’s New Skirt”… but then we realised the skirt is actually attached to the knickers. The sequin knickers. Which are really the whole point of this outfit, rendering the “skirt” totally redundant: NO, ASOS, adding an invisible skirt over the top of a pair of knickers doesn’t suddenly make it OK to go out in a pair of undies, sequin or otherwise, seriously. So, what we’re dealing with here is actually multiple misdemeandors: 1. A Stuck-Together-Clothes Crime 2. A bad case of Emperor’s New Clothes 3. An item of clothing which encourages the idea that it’s OK to wear underwear in public. (Because even if you’re OK with sequin knickers,…

Nasty Gal Totally Exposed Blouse

The Emperor’s New Shirt

Nasty Gal describe this item as a “totally exposed blouse“. Which isn’t strictly accurate, really: it’s not the BLOUSE that’s “totally exposed”, after all: it’s whatever lies under the blouse – bra, leather bustier, nothing… Let’s be honest, though: when you looked at this photo, you didn’t actually notice the blouse at first, did you? You were probably distracted by the aforementioned leather bustier, or the “classy” suspenders dangling from the cutoffs. So, the question is: if a blouse falls onto a model, but no one can actually see it, is it a crime of fashion? We’re going to go with “yes”. If you’re going with “no”, you can either pay $48 for this one, or, alternatively, just don’t bother wearing…

Simon Rocha invisible shoes

The Emperor’s New …Simon Rocha ‘Cindy Rella’ shoes

We’re starting to get an increasing number of reports of something we call “ghost shoes”. They’re shoes which …aren’t. Or which almost aren’t, in that they’re completely transparent: the Emperor’s new shoes, in other words. What do you think of the concept of paying £739 in order to look like you’re not wearing shoes? Worth it for the charming quirkiness of the “OMGLOOKNOSHOOZ!” look you’ll achieve, or just a little bit hard to fathom? (Because, seriously, if we’re paying that much for shoes, they better be fabulous.) All we’ll say is that we’re glad these particular ones come with air vents and a slingback, because sweaty feet encased in clear plastic does not a good look make… [Click here to…

organza tea dresses

The Emperor’s New Organza Dress, by Topshop Boutique

OK: obviously Topshop don’t mean for us to wear these dresses exactly as they’re shown on the mannequins. Or at least, we hope to God not, because there ain’t enough eyeball bleach in the world to allow us to cope if this particular look was suddenly “bang on trend“. So, we think we have to presume here that they’re supposed to be worn over something else. The things is, though: WHAT? Because, let’s face it, there’s not much to see here, is there? Literally. They won’t exactly add much to any outfit you’d care to wear under them, and even if they did, well, they’re £80. Each. That’s around $125. The Fashion Police have never DIY’d anything in our lives,…

The Mystery of the Foil Joggers, by KTZ

OK, here’s the deal: if anyone can give us a plausible-sounding reason why you’d want to buy a pair of see-through jogging pants (complete with visible pockets and label: classy), we will BUY the aforementioned jogging pants, as a gift from The Fashion Police to you. Um, OK, not really. The ARE £130, after all, and we don’t really want to encourage this kind of thing. We’d still love to hear your reasons, though… (Click here to buy them)

The Emperor’s New…Christopher Kane biker jacket

It’s like the neon ghost of a REAL biker jacket, isn’t it? And it’s almost $1,600. For a pretty-much see-through jacket that will neither keep you warm or make much of a fashion statement: other than, “The emperor isn’t wearing any clothes,” obviously. Is that the Daylight Robbery alarm we can hear going off? (Click here to buy it)

The Emperor’s New… Maxi Dress

WHO IS BUYING THIS STUFF? WHO? And how and when are they wearing it? Can someone please reassure us this has all been some kind of elaborate joke, and there aren’t actually people walking around dressed like this? Please? (Click here to buy it | Thanks to Courtney for the report!)

The Emperor’s New… Fendi Trench Coat

Look, we’re not saying it’s not pretty, in a flimsy, gauzy kinda way. Organza generally is pretty. But it’s $1,375. For a more-or-less INVISIBLE COAT. Once again, readers, the emperor, he is bare. BARE, we say. And the fashion victims, they are $1,375 worse off. And wearing a coat that no one can see. Oh fashion, how you make us laugh! (Click here to buy it)

The Emperor’s New Chandelier Lace Dress

Oh dear: looks like the Emperor isn’t wearing any clothes again! Or rather he she is, but given that the black body suit isn’t actually part of the “dress”, we don’t think it counts, making this so-called “dress” one of those completely pointless items that cost £45, and are basically a way to allow to effectively walk around in your underwear. “But I AM wearing a dress!” you can say, all innocence. “And look, it almost comes down to my knees: why, it’s really quite modest!” Sorry, but we’re not buying it. We know you just spent £45 on an almost-invisible dress, and we will never understand why you did it. If it all makes perfect sense to you, however,…

The Emperor’s New Vein Embroidered Tube Top, by Dsquared

Just in case you’re offended by the sight of naked breasts (or are at work) we’ve covered up this model’s nipples for you, and if you particularly want to stare at her breasts, you’ll have to do it over at Luisa Via Roma. If, on the other hand, you’re offended by $320 tops that are completely transparent, save for a “look, here are my veins” design, well, there’s not a whole lot we can about that, other than to reassure you that this top, by Dsquared, is at least not supposed to be worn without anything over the top of it, but more like this: So, what do you think? We’re happy to know we won’t have to arrest it…

The Emperor’s New Handbag: Prada’s Plex & Spazzolato Tote

Last week, we had a look at Prada’s see-through shoes, and came to the conclusion that if we were prepared to spend that much money on footwear, we’d at least want to be able to see it on our feet. What about see-through handbags, though? Prada didn’t stop at shoes, this season, you see: they’re currently selling this plexi tote bag for $1,295 at Saks, and although it does come with a detachable zippered pouch in which to carry any items you really don’t want to put on public display, it’s still something of a pickpocket’s dream, allowing them to see exactly what you’re carrying before they decide to mug you for it. (Although, in our case they’d probably be…

The Emperor’s New Dsquared2 PVC OVERSIZE PONCHO COAT

We’ve spoken about clear raincoats before here at The Fashion Police, and our opinion has always been that while we like the idea of outerwear that doesn’t conceal the outfit underneath, they’re not something we’d want to pay a huge amount of money. For us, £912/ $1357 qualifies as “a huge amount of money”, and there’s another reason we wouldn’t want to buy this Dsquared2 poncho, too: the fact that it comes with two bags attached to the front of it. (Sure Louisa Via Roma describe them as “pockets”, but we know a bag when we see one, and we’re sure you all know how we feel about Stuck Together Clothes). Also, does anyone else think this would’ve been better…

The Emperor’s New Kris Van Assche top

This top will cost you £215 / $336. A bargain at twice the price! Oh no, wait… it isn’t, really, is it? In fact, we’d venture to suggest that the Emperor is, once again, looking pretty much naked… [Product Page]

The Emperor’s new Miu Miu jacket

Oh great: a shacket. Well, we’d had shants and shresses, so it was surely only a matter of time before someone decided to make a sheer jacket, no? As well as offering proof that people will, indeed, pay £265 for essentially nothing, this also has the dubious distinction of being possibly the most useless garment we’ve ever come across. Bravo, Miu Miu: winner of this year’s Chocolate Teapot Award for fashion! Miu Miu sheer jacket, £265