We could very well be mistaken. But if there’s an uglier pair of boots out there right now, we don’t want to know about it. Actually, scratch that: we DO want to know about it. Because we’re The Fashion Police: it’s our job to know about these things. How else can we protect the stylish world from these attacks on their taste? So, what do you think: are these the ugliest boots of the year, or have you seen something that can top them? If you can, tell us about it! And if you can’t, well, at least you know that these are safely in Fashion Police custody, so you can sleep safe tonight… [Buy them]
We’re not normally ones to suggest that clothes should ever be joined together – heaven forbid! But even we have to admit that these… …might just look a tiny bit better if they were to magically be combined with this: It would still be a misdemeanor, of course, but at least we wouldn’t be sitting here desperately trying to resist making all the jokes that come to mind at the sight of that, er, package. As for this, however: This is beyond our help. What’s the point of a down jacket without sleeves? Exactly.
“Oh no, that poor girl: looks like she’s tucked her skirt into her knickers! Should we tell her, do you think, or should we just sit here in the corner and snigger at her?” So, when your outfit elicits THAT kind of response? It’s definitely a Crime of Fashion. Just FYI. [Product Page]
When is a mini skirt not a mini skirt? When it’s just a flimsy scrap of fabric, slung loosely around the hips, of course. In fact, in that case, it’s not even a SKIRT. Or an item of clothing for that matter. It is, however, most definitely a crime of fashion. And Rick Owens is a criminal mastermind, for his ability to persuade people to pay £155 to go out without their clothes on. [Click here to buy it]
We’ve long been of the opinion that as women are able to wear pretty much whatever they like, we can see no reason whatsoever why men shouldn’t be able to do the same, and slip into a skirt or dress every now and then, if they feel the need. The “male skirt”, however, is a look that’s never really made it into the mainstream, so we were interested to see this one as part of Rick Owens’ current menswear collection. Regardless of which gender wears it, we tend to think it’s a pretty ugly skirt, if we’re perfectly honest. What about you, though: can you see you/your guy rocking this? Think it’s a look that’ll catch on? And would you…
When Rick Owens makes a skirt, it’s not like when other people make a skirt. And thank Science for that. (Seriously, coffee and doughnuts to the first person who can give us a plausible reason why they’d want to a) wear this and b) pay £610 for it. And no, “costume party” doesn’t count.) [Product Page]
At a time when nothing in life is certain, isn’t it reassuring to know that some things never chance, and that Rick Owens is still charging over $500 for a pair of his saggy, mud-coloured shorts, despite repeated cautions from The Fashion Police? No, we didn’t think so. Because, seriously, the two pairs of shorts in the image? That’s over $1000 worth of designer fashion, right there. THIS is what’s wrong with the fashion world, people, you mark our words. [Product Page]
This isn’t the first time Rick Owens has come up against The Fashion Police on charges of Frankenshoe creation. Let’s face it: dude has form. (Take a look at the gallery of some of Rick’s previous creations below, if you don’t believe us.) In fact, this isn’t even the WORST time, which is saying quite a lot, no? That doesn’t mean these aren’t dangerous fashion criminals, of course. They most certainly are, and we’ll just quickly demonstrate why: Giuseppe Zanotti for Thakoon sock boots. If we’d seen them first, our officers would’ve been ALL OVER their “Boots-Pretending-to-Be-Socks” selves. But their crimes seem minor in comparison to the Rick Owens ones above, don’t they. And this is why Rick Owens is so dangerous:…
Well, you wouldn’t want to mess with THIS model, would you? Look at the expression on her face! She’s almost daring us to laugh at her high-collared Rick Owens jacket: For some reason we’re reminded of Darth Vader. Like we say, wouldn’t want to mess with her… About the jacket, though. Folded down, the collar looks fine: Standing up, though: Just a tad higher than we’re used to. Ah, we don’t know, though. We’re in a pretty good mood today, so we’re actually thinking we might turn a blind eye to this one. After all, at $1,690, it’s not like there’s going to be whole armies of people wearing them, as amusing as that mental image is. What do you…
It takes a special kind of skill to make a skirt look worse than a pair of harem pants. Rick Owens has that special kind of skill. Rick, we name you the Fashion Frankenstein. But what shall we call the Monster? What DO you call a cross between a skirt and harem pants? Skarem pants? We think so. And what would you charge for a skarem pant, we wonder? Oh, probably about £219, don’t you think? If that sounds reasonable to you, click here to buy this.
At first glance we thought this was just a skirt: but look closer. There is, in fact, a pair of shorts peeking out from under the front hemline.: From the back it does indeed look like just a skirt, creating some sort of reverse mullet skirt which is surely a crime of fashion in itself? But these are the short version of those skirts-attached-to-trousers that were so popular in the late 1990s. And that can’t possibly be a good thing. Can it? Tell us below, and if you want to buy this item, it is $950 at Saks Fifth Avenue.
These shoes will “lend your evening look an instant hit of high-fashion drama” say Net-a-Porter. For £1,200 we would hope they would do more than lend it to us! We’re not sure what we dislike most about these: the fact that they are a boot pretending to be a sandal, or the crazy organza attachment around the ankle. From the side they’ve got a Mohawk, look: What do you think though? Are these a must have to go with your new evening frock or do you find them as ugly as we do? If you like them they are available at Net-a-Porter.
Full price: £440 / $693 Sale price: £220 / $346 At any price: a pair of saggy grey underpants One of the great fashion mysteries of time, surely? (Click here to buy them)
So you’re getting dressed and you can’t decide whether to wear skinny jeans or flared ones. What to do? It’s Rick Owens to the rescue! In he swoops to solve your dilemma with his magical zip up jeans. Put them on as skinnies, unzip and hey presto! Flares! We think they look a little strange either way – the ankles are bunched up when the zips are zipped, and the flare section is wrinkled and messy when the zips are unzipped. What do you think you think though? Would you buy 2-in-1 jeans or would you rather have two separate pairs? If you like these, you can buy them at Net-A-Porter for £355.
Things We Learned from this very literal interpretation of the “skort” (i.e. it’s not a pair of shorts that looks like a skirt, it’s a pair of shorts attached to a skirt…): * When your leather skirt is so short you need to wear a pair of long shorts underneath it, it’s probably too short. * When your leather skirt is attached to shorts, £645 is a fairly ambitious price to be charging * So is £322.50 * Some people just won’t care about any of this, because it’s omgdesigner! It’s RICK OWENS, people! How can RICK OWENS ever be wrong? (Click here to buy it)
Aha! An undercover agent, sent in by Rick Owens to try and infiltrate The Fashion Police and find out all of our secrets. Sadly, however, Rick’s going to have to try harder with this: we may not have realised there was a wedge boot under there, but we couldn’t help but notice that the person wearing them would look a bit like a shire horse, albeit one with a penchant for leather, so we were able to quickly take action to uncover the criminals. Want to see what’s underneath the cloak?
Ok, so call us traditional, but we tend to associate skirts with – at the very least – crotch coverage. Increasingly in recent years the mini has indeed become micro, and the micro has all but disappeared into belt territory… but in order to charge skirt prices, most designers at least pretend that their skirts do, in fact, skim the thigh top at least. Not so Rick Owens. Who clearly feels that as long as there is enough fabric in the skirt overall, the exact distribution of coverage doesn’t really matter! In order to wear this out in public (and maintain your modesty) you’ll need to splash out on an undergarment of some description: for example, the £545 cashmere sweater…
This top should be simple, sexy and classic. A clean-lined, black, racer-back vest is, after all, a style necessity: easy to throw on and effortlessly chic. But are you wondering what’s going on with those dangly bits? Yup, us too. The dangly bits in question are the “intentionally unfinished scooped hem” which, we imagine, is intended to give the top an “edgier” feel. Which would perhaps make a simple and slightly sheer jersey top worthy of its £135 price tag… Although the Fashion Police veer more toward the camp who feel “unfinished” means less work and therefore should be cheaper! What do you think? Is this simple classic with a dodgy hem worth £135? If so, hop by Net-a-Porter and…
Technically, it should be impossible for a pair of dropped-crotch pants to have a camel toe. In fact, that’s probably the only good point the harem pant has. Once again, however, Rick Owens has managed to bring camel toe to the unlikeliest of garments. There’s actually a weird kind of talent to that, somehow. And if he can persuade people to part with £455 for these, then he’s even MORE talented than we thought. And possibly dangerous. [Product Page]
So, we guess these are probably what you’d call “skorts” – in other words, a combination of a skirt and a pair of shorts. The “skorts” we’re used to seeing, however, are different from this, in that they generally have the skirt part at the front and the shorts at the back. Rick Owens has basically turned the concept on its head here, putting the shorts at the front, with the skirt dangling at the back, like a train on a dress. Or like a mullet. Is this what the world has been waiting for, readers? Or is it just an attempt to try and detract us all from those shoes? Oh God, THOSE SHOES… [product page]