“Gosh!” we thought, “It’s not like our old friends at Bless to make an item of clothing that looks, well, ordinary. We’re more used to seeing hairy shoes, strange, off-the-shoulder suit jackets, and who could forget the Ra Multispaghetti dress? But these… these look like regular turtleneck sweaters!”
At least some things never change, eh?
Of course, you don’t have to be in the Fashion Police detective squad to see what happened here. Obviously one sweater stole the back right off the other one. And turned it into a … knapsack? A cape? We have no idea. The good news is that there’s really only one fashion criminal in this post: the yellow sweater is guilty as sin. Its blue brother, meanwhile, is but a helpless fashion victim, and although it may not LOOK quite as bad as some crimes we’ve featured here, let’s face it: it’s a £400 sweater that will keep your chest warm while your back freezes – what kind of future can it possibly have?
It’s not every day you can pop into the salon and ask your stylist if she’d mind giving your shoes a quick tidy-up as well as your hair, is it?
We reckon that if the hair on your shoes is long enough to tempt you to give it a quick going-over with the ol’ curling iron, it’s probably a good sign that you’re committing a crime of fashion.
Actually, scratch that: let’s just say that when you have hair on your shoes, THAT’S a good sign in itself that you’re probably committing a crime of fashion. Agreed?
We outlawed the unholy alliance of socks and boots a long, long time ago, but, as is often the case with the most hardened of fashion criminals, that only served to send the movement underground, where it continues to thrive. We know, it’s upsetting to us, too.
At the head of this dangerous, underground movement, are our old friends at Bless, who’ve cunningly taken their dad’s old socks and fashioned them into a rough approximation of shoes. It’s one of the saddest things we’ve ever seen.
We describe Bless as “dangerous”, though: that’s because, despite having created something that will make you look like you’ve been living rough for a few days, and someone stole your shoes, they’re somehow managing to convince people to spend $450 on these.
We’re issuing an APB for their arrest. If you happen to see these boots, please don’t approach them: as always, simply call The Fashion Police…
The perfect hat for Fashion Criminals: not only will we never be able to tell who they are when they have that knitted mask pulled over their face, it also costs £214. Fashion criminals love huge amounts of money for something like a knit cap with attached mask. Those crazy kids…
to buy it]
Is anyone else seeing Samara/Sadako from The Ring here? Because this creepy all-in one (yes, the “hair-in-front-of-the-face” thing is attached to the rest of it, which… well, we guess it would come in handy if you had a particularly bad skin breakout. Let’s just leave it at that, shall we?) will certainly be giving us nightmares tonight, that’s for sure. And not just because someone’s going to pay £829 for it, either.
Here’s what it looks like on its own:
At least it would come in handy on a bad hair day? Or if you had a bad breakout of spots?
This is by Bless, who call it the ‘Ra Multispaghetti dress”. We promise we’re not making this up. Click here to buy it.
These are slippers.
They cost $368. Which…is really a lot of money for slippers, let alone ones that look like this. And we were going to try to defend them (no, really…) by saying that at least your floors will be spotless after a few hours in these bad boys, but then it occurred to us: imagine what the SLIPPERS will look like after a few hours on even mildly dirty floors? Especially dirty bathroom floors, say…
We’ll leave you with that thought. If you want to buy them, though, you can click here to do it.
This post WAS supposed to be about Bless’s aptly-named ‘Mitchelin’ sweater, but actually, now we come to write it, all we can think about is those shoes. Oh, those shoes! The peep-toe boot rule is in full effect here, but honestly, we think the model is probably using the gargatuan sweater purely as a distraction technique, to draw our eyes away from those Frankenshoes. And we don’t blame her.
We think the original £708 was maybe a little steep for this sweater (Although, mind you, it’ll definitely keep you warm. And you won’t have to buy any more sweaters ever again, because this sweater is like twenty sweaters.) but perhaps the sale price of £354 will make it more appealing to you? If it does. you can click here to buy it. But only if you promise not to wear it like the model on the right…
Earlier this week, we showed you a selection of yeti boots, so now here are the matching gloves. So that’s Halloween sorted, then.
Actually, we’re not calling these “Yeti gloves” because of their appearance, although they will almost certainly make your hands look they belong on SOME kind of monster. No, we’re calling them “Yeti gloves” because they have a price tag of no less than $453… and for that price, we have to assume that they’ve been knitted using the fur of the Yeti and stitched together with unicorn hair.
No such luck, though: according to Colette, these are actually made from “hairy virgin wool”.
So, we guess we have two questions:
1. Do you want monster hands?
2. Are you prepared to pay $435 for them?
If you answered “yes” to both of these questions, click here to make your monster hand dreams a reality. Also, while we’re on the subject, and seeing as you apparently have $400 to spend on hairy gloves: don’t suppose you could spare some change?
Ladies and gentlemen, fashion label Bless is proud to present their latest creation: the HALF TRENCH!
(Or, actually, maybe that should be the One-Third Trench? Hmmm.)
We don’t know about you, but when we pay over $500 for a coat, we don’t want it to cover more than our shoulders and arms. Any more is just a waste really, isn’t it?
(Click here to buy it)
Look! A spaghetti-strap jacket! For those days when it’s cold enough for a jacket, but warm enough for bare shoulders! And look! It has a scarf attached to it! For those days when… no, we give up: we have absolutely no idea what kind of abnormal weather conditions you’d need to make this jacket/scarf combo (A “jarf”?) appropriate attire. If you were worried about the wearer of the jacket getting chilly, Bless, why not just add SHOULDERS, rather than sticking on a scarf?
Anyone out there been desperately looking for the perfect off-the-shoulder jacket with stuck-on scarf? If so, you just found it: it’s $814 at Colette. Oh, and just in case you were wondering, yes, it DOES look just as silly on:
It’s the ultimate case of Clothes-That-Are-Stuck-Together – a scarf that’s stuck to… sleeves. Well, at least you won’t run the risk of going out without your scarf, although we guess you may well run the risk of freezing your torso if you rely on this alone.
The sleeved scarf comes to us courtesy of Bless, who were also the label behind yesterday’s cotton and fox fur jacket. Is it a cunning idea to make clothes multi-task, though, or is it just an overpriced crime of fashion (it’s $931. No, that’s not a typo.)? You decide…
These jackets have a bit of a Photoshopped feel to them, but rest assured, if they have been ‘shopped, it wasn’t done by us: The Fashion Police don’t like to tamper with the evidence, and even if we did, we don’t think we could make these any uglier if we tried. Or any more expensive, actually: these are $1,777 each, which means we can convict them on three counts:
Count 1: Offences to the eyeballs
Count 2: Cruelty to animals
Count 3: Possible Daylight Robbery
Three strikes means you’re out in our world: or rather you’re IN the Fashion Police jail, so we have no hesitation in convicting these jackets of Crimes of Fashion. Bail is set at the aforementioned $1,777, payable to Colette.
[Bless fox fur jackets