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Crimes of Fashion, Swimwear

Still time to buy the amazing crocheted swimsuit!

crocheted swimsuit

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Summer may be over, folks, but the fashion world isn’t ready to move on quite yet, and this crocheted swimsuit is currently available at Net-a-Porter, where it’s £190.

It’s … really quite something, isn’t it? And we know the “if ya got it, flaunt it!” school of thought is very prevalent amongst the fashion criminal fraternity, when we look at this…

model in crocheted swimsuit

… we’re not thinking, “Wow, look at her amazing figure!”* so much as we’re thinking, “Wow, how does she even MOVE in that thing?” And also, “Let’s hope she’s wearing a super high SPF, otherwise she’s going to end up with some serious tan lines in that thing….”

Maybe it’s just us (probably), but even if we DID have abs of steel, we just can’t imagine ever feeling comfortable in something like this. It would be the closest you’d get to nudity while still TECHNICALLY being fully clothed, wouldn’t it? One wrong move, or one stronger-than-average wave (Not that we’re assuming the person who wears this is going to be focused on swimming, mind you…), and you’d basically BE nude, too. Unless, of course, you were using double-sided, waterproof fashion tape to anchor it to your body. Honestly, nothing would surprise us.

We’re probably being unfair, though. We haven’t tried this on, after all, and if we did, it’s perfectly possible it would turn out to be the most comfortable and flattering garment ever, and that we’d never want to take it off ever again. We somehow doubt it, though.

What do you think? It looks like a lot of work went into crocheting this one-piece: is it enough to make you want to buy it, though, or are you just glad the weather’s cooling down, making it less likely that you’ll have to see it in action?

* OK, we ARE thinking that, too. Obviously.

Swimwear, Wanted!

Wanted Wednesday | One-piece swimsuits from Topshop

topshop swimsuits

We’ve talked a lot about swimwear, and one-pieces in particular, lately, but the cute styles just keep on coming, and there’s still plenty of summertime left to wear them in: or we hope so, anyway.

This season, we’ve been particularly impressed with Topshop’s offerings in the beachwear department. While many swimwear brands take the retro route when it comes to one-pieces (And hey, no complaints from us there!), they’ve managed to keep their collection a little more contemporary, using interesting prints and streamlined shapes to create suits which are flattering and forgiving to the figure, while still looking very fresh and “young”.

Topshop also have a great selection of bikinis on the site at the moment, so if that’s more your speed, you can take a look at them here.If you share our love of the one-piece, though, take a look at some of the pieces from the current collection below, or visit the Topshop website to buy.

Gallery: One-piece swimsuits from Topshop


Beautiful Bikinis | Swimwear Roundup Part 2

Earlier this week we took a look at some of our favourite one-piece swimsuits, so today we’re redressing the balance by focusing on some beautiful bikinis.

Although bikinis can be a little daunting if you’re not totally comfortable about bearing all on the beach, they remain a summer classic, and luckily there are enough different shapes and styles to suit just about everyone. Here are some bikinis we’re currently loving the look of…

Gallery: Beautiful bikinis


Wonderful one pieces | swimwear roundup

selection of one pieces in three different styles and colours

One pieces from M&S and House of Fraser

One pieces used to be considered the frumpy older sisters of the sexier, more stylish bikini, but these days one pieces have come into their own, and are once again starting to be seen as a glamorous alternative to the bikini, rather than the last-ditch option for those who aren’t quite brave enough to bare all.

Far from being “frumpy”, one pieces can be hugely flattering on just about any figure. The right one piece will hold you in, create curves even if you don’t have any, and allow you to actually go for a swim without worrying about something falling out of your bikini. Oh, and you won’t have to worry about trying to suck in your stomach either: many of these one pieces are designed to either pull in the stomach like shapewear, or cunningly disguise it with some well-placed folds.

Perfect for those who love retro-inspired fashion, many one pieces play up the vintage look, with a liberal use of polka dots, stripes or brilliant, bold colours. Lower-cut legs, or skirted styles will flatter the thighs in a way bikinis don’t often manage, and underwired cups add extra support up top, if you need it. It used to be the case that if you wanted retro-style swimwear, you’d have to be prepared to pay extra for it, but these days many high street stores are selling affordable one pieces which look just as good as their more expensive counterparts – try Primark or George if you’re looking for retro-inspired swimwear on a serious budget.

We’ve selected ten wonderful one pieces for the gallery below, all from the UK high street. Take a look, and tell us – have you been converted to the wonder of one pieces, or do you prefer the good ol’ bikini?

GALLERY: Wonderful one pieces

Crimes of Fashion, Swimwear

Scary Swimsuits: Face-print one-piece by Jeremy Scott for Adidas

scary swimsuits with faces on them

Scary swimsuits: Jeremy Scott for Adidas

(What? You don’t wear your swimsuit with thigh-high boots? Isn’t that how you’re SUPPOSED to wear them? You learn something every day…)

Well, at least you’re guaranteed some eyeballs on your boobs, huh? Sorry, we couldn’t resist. Seriously, though: who wants to look like their belly could bite? And on someone with a slightly shorter torso, that mouth would be… yeah.

We’ve never been keen on the “my breasts are watching you!” look, but we really think this particular one-piece deserves to be behind bars. If only there was a way to make that happen! Wait! What’s this?

The Adidas jail jacket

Awesome! We’ll just throw this handy “Jail Jacket” over the top of it, like this model’s done with HER face-top (Which, you eagle-eyed officers will have noticed, is NOT the swimsuit pictured at the top of the page, but a different example of scary swimsuits in action. Or possibly just scary tank tops: we can’t tell, but it doesn’t matter because it’s already behind bars. Our work here is done.

Now, you might be thinking this looks a little bit ridiculous, especially given that it’s a jacket which serves no useful purpose whatsoever, other than those rare times when your arms are cold, but your body is too darn warm. Look at it this way, though: at least if you wear this, you’ll know it can’t possibly get much worse, no?

Leopard print hooded vest with ears

Oh. We stand corrected. And if you’re thinking this is “just” one of those stupid animal hats everyone was wearing a couple of years ago, think again: it’s a hooded vest:

hooded vest from the back

For those “cold head, warm arms” kind of days.

Now we just want to know where Jeremy Scott lives, that has such crazy weather patterns. We also want to know why the Louisa Via Roma stylist neglected to put this model in the poodle sneakers from the same collection. Well, when you’ve come this far, what’s a pink poodle or two between fashion criminals?

[All items by Jeremy Scott for Adidas, available at Louisa Via Roma]

Kelly Brook for New Look bikinis: and a short rant

Kelly Brook for New Look bikini collection

Kelly Brook for New Look bikini collection

We love the Kelly Brook for New Look swimwear collection. Actually, we love MOST of the Kelly Brook for New Look stuff, including the makeup line (which our beauty blog, Hey, Dollface! reviewed a couple of months ago…). Most of our love is reserved from the swimwear, however (and also the lingerie, now we come to think of it. Probably because it’s all pretty similar to the swimwear in terms of shape and general cuteness…), which is cute, fun, and cut in retro-inspired shapes which are that bit easier to wear when you don’t have the confidence for all of those itty-bitty bikinis most other brands like to try to foist on us every summer.

(Not that there’s anything wrong with tiny bikinis, of course, if that’s your thing: they just happen to fill our hearts with dread…)

So we love Kelly Brook’s bikinis, is what we’re trying to say here. You know what we HATE, though? We hate the fact that they’re available to buy NOW. In January. When we’re currently between snowfalls, and have a long, long way to go until it’s anything like bikini weather… by which point all of these items will be long since sold out, and the stores will be full of winter woolies once more.

Kelly Brook for New Look bikinis

Now, before you say it: we know. Just because we’re not heading off on a winter sun break this month doesn’t mean no one else is, and just because New Look is a UK-based retailer doesn’t mean that all of their customers will be from the UK, where it’s currently winter.  The point we’re making, however, is a general one, and revolves around the fact that retail fashion is always at least one season ahead, so we get bikinis in January, snow boots in June, and by Christmas it’s back to the sundresses and sarongs again. It’s just the way it is, but we’d like to at least hope it’s NOT the way it’ll always be. Wouldn’t you just LOVE to be able to buy the clothes you need NOW, and wear them right away, rather than having to buy your bikinis in January and then pack them away for months? And who wants to even think about winter coats when it’s too hot for a sweater, let alone anything else?

Kelly Brook for New Look swimwear

Until that happens, we’re just going to cross our fingers and hope these don’t sell out before we finally get the opportunity to wear them…

Browse the Kelly Brook for New Look swimswear collection here.

Crimes of Fashion, Swimwear

Ugly Swimsuits: The Shark Attack Suit

ugly swimsuits


Ugly swimsuits: Shark Attack!

This definitely isn’t the ugliest swimsuit we’ve ever arrested. No, THIS would be the ugliest swimsuit we’ve ever arrested:

topless bikiniOr certainly the strangest anyway, given that Victoria’s Secret were selling it as a “bikini”, and yet… it didn’t actually have a top half. Surely a bikini has to have a top, or it simply becomes “knickers”. Or, in this case, HALTER-NECK KNICKERS. Seriously, three years later, and we’re still not over it. Or, for that matter, this one:

ugly swimsuits


She’s all, “Yeah? SO? You wanna make something of it?” We’re far too scared of her to “make something of it” obviously, so we’ll simply point out that the bow is the only thing standing between her and asymmetric nudity. Which is… certainly different, let’s put it that way.

Anyway! In the context of some of the horrors that fill our jail, the swimsuit at the top of the page is definitely not the biggest crime. Even so, we need to know what that poor onepiece did that made the shark attack it. Because it HAS clearly been attacked by a cartoon shark, hasn’t it? One with gigantic, triangle teeth and a belly full of expensive fabric.

Either that or it’s a swimsuit from The Flinstones. Which could make it kind of cute. Sort of. Maybe.

Of all of the ugly items of clothing in our jail, though, ugly swimsuits are one of the ones we find most confusing. For most of us at least, it’s hard enough to feel good in swimwear, without adding a strange design into the mix: after all, they require so much more body confidence than regular clothes that the last thing many of us want is for everyone at the beach to be staring us down, trying to work out what the hell happened, and whether or not they should be calling for backup.

Of course, what we call ugly swimsuits, you may consider the cutest, most amazing item of clothing ever invented. If that’s the case, this will set you back $313 at you’ll find it at Shopbop.

Spotted some ugly swimsuits? Call the Fashion Police and let us arrest ’em!

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Crimes of Fashion, Swimwear

Would you wear… Black Milk’s Muscle Swimsuit?

Black Milk muscles swimsuit

For those of you who loved Black Milk’s muscles leggings, but who’ve been wondering what on earth to wear with them, wonder no more: here’s the swimsuit version, guaranteed to get you a whole lot of attention at the beach…

This somehow seems a little less graphic than the leggings, but we’re just not sure it’d be our swimwear of choice. Well, actually, we ARE sure. It wouldn’t be.

What about you, though: would you wear this?

[Buy it]
Crimes of Fashion, Swimwear

What Not To Wear to the Beach describe this as a “beach dress”, and while we’re not really seeing where the “dress” bit comes in, it is made by a company called VDP Beach, which would seem to support the idea that it is, in fact, beachwear, and not, say, some “sexy” clubwear.

It comes as a two-piece set, so yes, you ARE supposed to wear the legwarmers with the skirt. To the beach. We were going to assume the high wedges were optional, given that they’re not exactly practical for walking in the sand, but then, legwarmers and a mini skirt aren’t exactly practical for the beach either, so stranger things have happened.

Oh, and did we mention the full outfit is £140?

WHY would you want to dress like this to go to the beach, readers?

We don’t know about you, but when we go to the beach we’re there to have fun and relax, maybe take a dip in the sea. We can’t really imagine packing our beach bag and thinking, “OK, have I got everything? Sunscreen? Book? Leg warmers?” Can you? Is this what the cool kids are all wearing to the beach these days? Where ARE these beaches?

This is currently only available in a UK size 6, all the other sizes apparently having sold out. If that’s your size, though, you’re in luck: you can click here to part with your £140.


Swimwear, Wanted!

Wanted! Retro-style swimsuits at Target

The Fashion Police have long been fans of retro-style swimwear, of the kind shown above: cut low on the hips, with a bit of ruching over the stomach, this shape is super-flattering, and surprisingly sexy – perfect for those of us who don’t really fancy the itsy-witsy, teeny-weeny bikini (yellow polka dot or otherwise).

Of course, the drawback with this kind of swimswuit is that they tend to be on the expensive side, which is why we were so pleased to come across Target’s current collection. These suits retail for just $34.99, and are available in a wide range of prints, colours and shapes, with the ones shown above being just a small selection.

For those of us outside of the UK, the bad news is that Target don’t ship to us, unfortunately: boo! If you’re in the US, however, you can click here to make your selection: lucky you!

Fashion News, Swimwear

Abercrombie & Fitch’s push-up bikini for kids causes controversy

Last year it was Primark. This year it’s Abercrombie & Fitch’s turn in the firing line over their push-up padded bikini tops for girls as young as 8 years old.

But while Primark backed down and removed their controversial bikinis from sale, Abercrombie & Fitch have defended their range, only agreeing to remove the term “push up” from the title in favour of the less incendiary “striped triangle”, but leaving the padded bikinis on sale.

Abercrombie & Fitch have a reputation for risque behaviour – whether provoked by their highly sexualised Back to School ad campaign in 2007 or their 2002 range of tweenage thongs bearing slogans including “wink wink” and “eye candy”, the company are no strangers to public outrage.

But is the public right to be outraged by such provocative garments? Or, as Abercrombie & Fitch argued in response to criticism in 2002, are the items in question simply cheeky and cute, placing the blame from any misrepresentation firmly in the eye of the beholder?

What do you think?

(Photos of the offending “push-up” triangle bras can be found here.)

Fashion Police, Swimwear, Trousers/Pants

Union Flag fashion: yay or nay?

Religion Union Jack printed leggingsThat Geri Halliwell.  She has a lot to answer for.  For when she wore that Union Flag (it’s only a Union Jack when it’s at sea, apparently) dress, she spawned a thousand other garments bearing the motif.  Over fifteen years later designers are still producing items such as these leggings.

Red Carter Union Jack one pieceIf you want to show your allegiance to the crown at the pool or the beach, Red Carter  are selling this delightful one-piece at Shopbop.  (We have to admit that we are slightly baffled by this as Shopbop isn’t a British site…)

Will you be wearing Union Flag fashion to show your patriotism for the Royal Wedding this April?  (Just please don’t style the leggings as pants as ASOS have done here.)  If you will, the leggings are by Religion and cost £35 at ASOS, and the once piece is by Red Carter and is $150 at Shopbop.

Lingerie, Swimwear

Style On Trial: Swimwear that looks like underwear

Norma Kamali lace bikiniSo you’re languishing on the beach, and a girl walks past in her underwear.  Only she’s not in her underwear, she’s wearing a bikini by Norma Kamali that looks like underwear, but isn’t.

We like the overall style of the bikini – the shape is so lovely and retro and we’d wear this as underwear in a flash.  Or as swimwear were it a solid fabric.  We’re just not sure we can get on board with the lace swimwear.

What do you think of this concept (there’s a one piece costume available too)?  Would you wear swimwear that looks like you accidentally wore your lacy undies to the pool?  Or do you prefer your swimwear to look more like, well, swimwear?

You can buy the briefs (£95) and top (£200) from Net-a-Porter.

Swimwear, Wanted!

Wanted! 40s style stripe halter bikini from Topshop

We know bikini season is already a thing of the past here in the Northern hemisphere, but we’ve had our beady eyes on this retro style stripe bikini from Topshop for a few days now, and have noticed that it’s selling out fast online, so we figured it was our duty to inform you of its existence, just in case you have a winter sun break planner or, er, need something to wear in the jacuzzi at the gym.

We love the retro shape of this, from the figure-flattering (on some figures, at least) high-waisted bottoms, to the nautical stripes, which are just begging to be worn with bright red lipstick and a pair of cat’s eye sunglasses. If you don’t have a good reason to wear it now, well, you can’t start planning for next summer soon enough, can you?

Click here to see if there are any left in your size: if you’re out of luck, don’t despair – this is still available in-store.


Topshop crochet one piece: A bikini in disguise?

What we have here readers is a ‘one thing pretending to be something else’ crime.  In this case it is a bikini, attempting to pass itself off as a one piece swimming costume.  We’re not fooled though, especially when we see the back view.  Joining the two sections of a bikini together with a little bit of crochet does not a one piece make.  In fact, joining the two sections of the bikini bottoms together with crochet at the sides does not a flattering swimsuit make.  And won’t someone please think of the tan lines!

What do you think though?  Do you like this enough to risk the web-like suntan pattern you will surely get from wearing this to the beach?  Do you want to people to ask how such an horrendous ladder got in the front of your costume (because the more we look at this, the more it reminds us of laddered tights)?  If you do, you can buy this for £32 here.


The Fashion Police’s Ultimate Retro-Inspired Swimwear Roundup

We know we’re not the only ones to have been seduced by the appeal of retro-inspired swimwear over the past few years, so we’ve rounded up just a few our our current favourites for your viewing pleasure. From cherry-print to polka dot one-pieces to bikinis, you’ll find all you need for a retro-style summer in the gallery below – just click on the image for stockist details.