Sock Horror!

purple tights with white shoes

Yay or Nay: Tights

[Image: Primark] Let’s talk about tights. (Did anyone else read that line to the tune of Salt n’ Pepa’s ‘Let’s Talk About Sex’? Because, if so, our work here is done.) For the past few months, you see, our fashion friends have been getting very, very excited about tights. This happens every year, and is part of the whole “OMG Autumn is my favourite season!” trend evident in fashion blogging, and the excitement mostly revolves around all of the good things that tights bring to the world of style. For instance: 1. They keep your legs warm. Well, d’uh. 2. Thick tights make it possible to get away with wearing shorter skirts than you’d wear with bare legs. 3. Brightly…

Bare legs in high heel shoes

Debenhams make “nude” tights for more than one skin tone

Legs: they come in more than one colour. Buy “nude” tights: they… don’t. Ever noticed how so-called “flesh toned” hosiery is only ever available in ONE shade: and how it’s a shade that’s only really “flesh toned” or “nude” on people who have mid-toned Caucasian skin? The models above in the image above, for instance, are not wearing tights. Now they ARE: It’s not great, is it? Sure the two women on the far right ended up with legs which look more or less like their own skin, only smoother. It’s a different story for the two on the left, however, who now look like they’re wearing someone else’s legs. (The girl second from left is wearing someone else’s shoes,…

Wolford tights with leg ruffles

Sock Horror: Wolford Back Seam Ruffle Tights

It’s tights season: what better way to celebrate than by making your legs look like they have fins? And lacy fins, at that! The presence of the fins isn’t the worst thing about this picture, though. Nor is the fact that the model appears to be wearing a fur coat, shorts and a pair of patent workboots. No, the worst thing about this photo, and the main reason this counts as a SOCK HORROR is the fact that these tights? These tights are £129. One. Hundred. And. Twenty. Nine. Pounds. That’s over TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS. For tights. Ugly tights. Ugly, finned tights. And yes, we know they’re OMGWOLFORD, but seriously, this whole “Oh, but Wolford tights are SO worth $200!”…

Kate Middleton causes sales of sheer hosiery to “skyrocket”. Do you wear sheer tights?

As the nation’s obsession with Kate Middleton continues, the latest news from brands desperate to be mentioned in the same sentence as the Duchess of Cambridge, is that Kate is responsible for a huge rise in the sale of sheer hosiery. Selfridges is reporting a 40″ increase in sales of sheer tights since this time last year, while TightsPlease are doing even better, with a 90″ increase in sales of their “Kate Middleton style” nude tights. (Tightsplease) For Kate Middleton herself, of course, shiny, sheer tights have absolutely nothing to do with fashion: they’re purely a matter of royal protocol, which dictates that female members of the royal family should always wear hosiery, and closed-toe shoes. (Kate slipped up on…

Tights With a Difference by Les Queues de Sardines

So, did everyone have a good New Year? Did you do anything exciting? And did you wear a pair of eyeballs on your knees while you were doing it? No? Shame on you. If only we’d posted these images before New Year’s Eve! Still, these tights are all part of the current hosiery collection by Les Queues de Sardines, which means you still have the opportunity to buy them. We think they’re a whole lot more interesting than the usual black opaques many of us tend to stick to at this time of year, so take a look under the jump to see some more!

Unsolved Mysteries: Freeze your calves in wool tights with cutouts

Lord knows this is a minor gripe compared to some fashion issues we could mention, but can anyone explain to us why you’d want to wear a pair of cosy, wool tights… which leave your calves totally bared to the elements? Are calves the new armpits? Do they have a tendency to get really warm, while the rest of the legs remain cold? Further to that: why would you want to pay $79 to bare them to the elements? Answers on a postcard (or in the comments box if it’s easier…). (Click here to buy them)

Style on Trial: Bebaroque Perla Ornate Bow Tights

We’re all for interesting and unusual hosiery (in fact, sometimes it’s the only thing that makes dull winter fashion bearable), and there’s no doubt that Bebaroque pretty much rule that particular field. We’re just not sure, however, that we’d want our tights to have actual OBJECTS attached to them. Objects like the pearl bows on these otherwise plain black opaque tights, say. How would you wash them, for instance? (The tights, we mean, not the bows. We’re pretty sure the bows would look after themselves.) Are the bows removable? Wouldn’t they feel a bit odd, if you happened to brush your ankles together? Is ANY pair of tights worth paying £80 for? Or do you like the look of them…

Who’s buying all the pre-ripped tights?

OK, time to ‘fess up, folks: almost every retail site we look at these days seems to be carrying some variation of the pre-ripped tights pictured above, and we just have to know – who’s actually buying them? Is it you? Because if we’d known people were willing to spend £10 on laddered hosiery, we’d have emptied out our sock drawers long ago and be writing this from a deckchair in the Carribean on the proceeds. And, OK, we get that some of you like the laddered look, but wouldn’t it be a whole lot cheaper to just ladder your own? Do you buy pre-laddered tights? Do you want to buy pre-laddered tights? If you do, click here and here for…

Would you buy… Etro’s £565 stud applique tights?

OK, so we must admit, we kind of like these. They’re studded tights, after all, and we think they’d make a great way to make a simple dress or skirt look a little more interesting. Here’s the thing, though: they’re tights. And they’re £565 / $885. We could buy a holiday for that much, and at least we wouldn’t be able to ladder it first time we wore it. The product description sadly neglects to tell us just how thick these tights are, but unless they’re reinforced with iron or something, we just now we’d be able to ruin them without even thinking about it, and to be honest, it would be quicker and easier to just take our £565…

Fashion Police Glossary: Sock Horror – a hosiery-related horror

(Our post earlier today about Christian Dior’s $500 socks reminded us to continue updating our Fashion Police Glossary, explaining some of the terms used on the blog. We resume today, then, with the definition of a SOCK HORROR.) A SOCK HORROR, it goes almost without saying, is some kind of sartorial disaster involving socks, tights, or some other form of hosiery. It could be that the socks are kinda ugly, like Bebaroque’s fringed thigh-highs:

Cadillac or Christian Dior? How much would you pay for designer socks?

So, nice pair of socks, hmm? Thigh-high: very trendy. Love the ribbon. Look nice and cosy. Handy for wearing under over-the-knee boots, or even around the house, or to bed, in the dark depths of winter. $500, though. Yep, that’s right: FIVE. HUNDRED. DOLLARS. For socks. And why? Why this crazy-ass sock-price, we hear you ask? Surely the socks must be woven from the hair of unicorns, or have priceless diamonds sewn into the seams or something? Nah. They’re 100% wool. Dammit, those fashion victims will do anything for a designer label, won’t they? Seriously, you could buy a secondhand car for that price! What would you choose, readers: a 1982 Cadillac DeVille, say, or… a pair of socks? Let’s…

What does your skirt length say about you? These tights have the answer…

Ever found yourself wondering whether the length of your skirt is sending out the right signals? Well, now you can work out EXACTLY what kind of signal you’re sending, with the help of these opaque tights, which provide a handy chart to allow you to measure your skirt length and find out what it says about you. The sliding scale starts at “demure” and goes all the way to “fatal” with the stages in between being (in Spanish) discrete, subtle, flirtatious, sensual, moody, seductive, provocative, bold, shameless and “warrior”. Which one are you? You’ll have to buy them (from here) to find out. Would you wear them, though?

Sock Horror! Acne’s $200 Tantra-print tights

A few points about this item: 1. These are tights. 2. $209 tights. 3. $209 tights that you just KNOW you’re going to ladder as soon as you put them on, don’t you? Or that your cat/dog/toddler will ladder for you? 4. They have writing on them. 5. So they’ll encourage people to stare really hard at your thighs in order to try and work out what that writing says. 6. Do you REALLY want everyone you meet staring at your thighs? If so, congratulations: you obviously have amazing thighs! 7. Did we mention this is a $209 pair of tights we’re looking at? Are there seriously people in the world who pay $200 for TIGHTS? Who are these people?…

Sock Horror? Celeste Stein zig zag rainbow glittery tights

The title says it all, doesn’t it readers?  That’s a crime of fashion, right there.  We don’t know about you, but at first glance we wonder whether the detail shot of the pattern is what it is like to be on acid.  That was certainly our initial thought upon spying these on the My Tights website.  (Our second thought was ‘Good Lord’ and the third one ‘aha – perfect for the Fashion Police readers to deem a crime of fashion or not’.)  Rainbow stripes?  Zig zags?  Glitter?  A case of too much going on or total fabulousness?  You decide.  Also, why is the pattern not matched up at the side?  We hate it when patterned tights look like this. Unsurprisingly,…

PSA: Socks and swimwear should never mix

This is a Public Service Announcement brought to you by The Fashion Police. As summer approaches, we’d just like to take this opportunity to remind you that socks and swimwear DO NOT MIX. We understand that you may find it tempting to wear socks and shoes with your swimwear. Actually, no, scratch that: we DON’T understand why you’d want to do that, unless you actually are a British pensioner, and in the habit of wearing a knotted handkerchief on top of your head along with your socks/slip-ons/swimwear combo. That would explain the sock suspenders, too. In conclusion, though: socks and slip-ons are the perfect way to ruin a totally cute bathing suit. We’d like to thank Kate Sylvester’s runway model…

Ask The Fashion Police: Are stockings with sandals a crime of fashion?

From our Formspring page: Q. Is it acceptable to wear stockings with the seam line when wearing open toe shoes (or even peep toe for that matter) if you can’t find seamless stockings? Or should I risk letting my legs look pale and not so perfect? A. We get this question fairly often, so let’s address it once and for all… Although we call ourselves The Fashion Police, you might be surprised to know that in “real” life there are actually very few things that we’d consider an absolute “no”. Sheer stocking with sandals, however, is one of those things: particularly if the stockings in question are flesh-coloured, and the toe seam is highly visible.  Toe seams aren’t designed to…

Sophie Ellis-Bextor the Samsung 3D Television Party Fashion Police

Sophie Ellis-Bextor wears white ankle socks to the Samsung 3D Television Party

Cute or childish? When we last broached the issue of whether adults can get away with ankle socks, many of you felt that while it’s OK if you happen to be Rihanna (as are so many things in life!), this is ultimately a look that’s only for the very, very young. Like, toddlers, say (although maybe not with heels). Here’s 31-year-old Sophie Ellis-Bextor, however, flying in the face of that piece of fashion advice, and proudly wearing her white ankle socks and (rather scuffed) white shoes to the Samsung 3D Television Party in London this week. We love her dress, cardigan and bag here… but we do think this cute little outfit would have been even cuter if it didn’t…