What if Uggs had awesome, faux-fur covers to go over the legs, though? Ones in a fetching selection of animal print, say. Would THAT make you like them more? Er, no, we didn’t think so. If you are feeling tempted by this idea, however, we bring the good news that it already exists: they’re called CovFurs, they’ll set you back $40, and they’re not just designed to work with Uggs: we’re guessing almost any boot you feel would benefit from a zebra or cheetah print covering (to name but two) would work here.
We make no apologies for showing you this pair today, though, because, well, look at them. There’s just no way we could have ignored the existence of these, is there?
Inspired by the cars of the 50s, with their big fins, flame-effect wings and generally OTT design, these shoes are… well, they’re just a little bit crazy, aren’t they? Are they crazy in a good way, though, or in a bad one, though? That’s the question before you now, ladies and gentlemen of the Fashion Police jury: you can click here to look at Shoeperwoman’s gallery and see some more of the styles if you wish, but don’t forget to come back and tell us whether you find them innocent or guilty of the charge of committing crimes of fashion…
SUSPECT: Miu Miu shoes with attached socks SPOTTED: Yoox.com PRICE: £245 FASHION POLICE VERDICT: Guilty of being Footwear Impostors: shoes pretending to socks
While we’re on the subject of shoes that are not quite as they should be, here’s a blatant case of shoes-pretending-to-be-socks by Miu Miu.
There’s nothing particularly new to report here, of course: shoes have been pretending to be socks for years now, and we can go through the whole “but what if you wanted to wear different socks?” and “how do you wash them?” stuff, but let’s face it, we’ve said it all before.
This latest example, however, does bring a new question to mind: why must the impostor footwear always be so damn UGLY? Seriously: say you wanted to attach a pair of shoes to a pair of socks. Yes, we know it’s totally implausible that you’d ever want to do that – you’re not fashion victims, after all – but just pretend. You’d pick a NICE pair of shoes and a NICE pair of socks, wouldn’t you? You would. Not Miu Miu, though. They’ve gone back to 1992 to rip these pointy-toed ankle straps off the feet of some poor office worker, and then they’ve attached them to a pair of sad, saggy brown socks. It’s as if they thought, “Well, no one’s ever going to want to wear these shoes, anyway, so we may as well make them even uglier!” (And who would’ve thought that was even possible?)
Actually, now we come to think of it, we have arrived at the answer to our question. If they used NICE shoes for a sock-sticking like this, it would be even MORE of a tragedy, wouldn’t it? Because they’d have taken something beautiful, and turned it into something ugly. As it is, they’ve simply taken something ugly, and turned it into something even uglier. We still don’t see the point, but we do at least thank them for keeping all of the ugliness in one place: small mercies, we suppose.
We’ve shown you some of Azumi & David’s amazing (We may or may not be using that word sarcastically) shoe/handbag hybrids before, but that was a long time ago, so just to remind you, this is a clutch bag:
No, seriously, it’s a clutch bag. What, you didn’t seriously think they’d just grabbed an old boot, thrown some random belongings inside it, and called it a “bag”, did you? Oh no, wait. they kind of did. Moving on, there was also this work of genius:
See, it’s a bag… but it’s also a shoe! Only, not really, because if you tried to put these on your feet, you’d get some funny looks, wouldn’t you? Then again, if you carried it as a bag, you’d probably STILL get some funny looks: such is the tragedy of the shoe/bag. We’d say it was a bag for shoe lovers, but… shoe lovers probably wouldn’t actually love this, would they?
As interesting as all of this isn’t, however, we feel Azumi & David have really excelled themselves with the latest incarnation of their “Bag that is also a shoe”. Witness:
You have to ask yourself what the shoe did to deserve this, really, don’t you? Why has it been imprisoned in plastic, like Han Solo in carbonite? WHY?
We bet you’re just desperate to know what it looks like from the back, aren’t you? Let’s just pretend you all answered “yes” to that, OK?
As horrifying as this is, it does at least show that there are, in fact, TWO shoes trapped inside the bag. So at least you’re getting the pair, you know? Perhaps that’s what justifies the £200 price tag?
SUSPECT: shoe/handbag hybrids SPOTTED: Azumi & David website PRICE: £140 down from £200 FASHION POLICE VERDICT: GUILTY
“Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world.” Or so said Marilyn Monroe, anyway.
She’d obviously never heard of Jeffrey Campbell, had she? Lucky Marilyn.
With the right shoes, you may be able to conquer the world, but with the wrong ones, you’re just going to find yourself spending the festive season in the Fashion Police jail. The shoes you’ll find in the gallery below are the wrong ones. These are the worst of the shoes we’ve arrested over the course of 2011: you’ll find the usual suspects, like good ol’ JC and Ugg Australia, but there are also some surprises, from the likes of Prada, Thakoon and even Fashion Police Godfather, Christian Louboutin.
Take a look, but remember to keep the eyeball bleach handy…
Oh, that Lady Gaga. She has a lot to answer for, doesn’t she?
As for this particular “something”, well, Gaga probably isn’t solely to blame for this one. Heel-less shoes, of course, have been around for much longer than the teacup-toting one has, and we’re sure the fact that Gaga has made heel-less walking one of her many talents is only partly responsible for the small, but growing, number of shoe designers who wake up one morning and think, “The heel! Take it off! Take it all off!”
The latest suspect to come up with this bright idea is Giuseppe Zanotti, and his creations are shown above. Now, let us be clear about this: we LOVE these shoes. To look at, that is. And OK, sure, they look a little bit like some kind of strange electrical appliance from space. (We know that’s a weird comparison, but we can’t help it: they remind us of one of those egg whisks, or hand blenders, or whatever – can you tell we’re not cooks? – that stand up by themselves.) But still, they’re pretty amazing, and prettier, somehow, than many of the other heel-less wonders we’ve come across on our beat.
But still. The lack of a heel is something that it takes a little while for the eye and mind to adjust to. For us, it’s just not happening. Our eyes keep on searching for the heel that isn’t there, our minds keep on telling us there’s something missing, and no matter how patiently we explain that, “Yes, mind, but it’s supposed to look like that. It’s art. You must not understand fashion!” it will still keep searching, and insisting that there’s something not quite right here. Apart from the fact that they’re $895, we mean.
What about you? Do you love heel-less shoes? Do you love these ones? Well, what are you waiting for? Click here to buy them!
This shoe is alive. As in, it has a face and everything. Don’t believe us? Allow us to demonstrate:
It was the nose that tipped us off. Shoes just should’t have noses, you see, and so, being the team of ace detectives we are, we soon realised something was up. The thing is, though… we just can’t hate a face like that. OK, sure, it’s a shark. And it’ll probably bite your feet off. But it’s a kinda cute one, no? It’s just… a shame about the shoes.
These are by Acne: click here to buy them for the “budget” price of £510…
Cheryl Cole took an important step on the route to Beckha-esque fashion dominance (she hopes) today, with the launch of her debut shoe collection for member’s only website, Stylist Pick. (Which, for those of you who’ve never heard of it, is based on the same kind of model as Kim Kardashian’s ShoeDazzle, with members signing up to a monthly subscription and then choosing a pair of shoes each month.)
You can see the shoes from this range below, and naturally, we’re keen to know what you think of them. There are strappy, Miu Miu-style sandals, flat biker boots and platform pumps – we even see what looks suspiciously like a pair of boots-pretending-to-be-shoes – but would you buy any of them? Take a look and see…
