Browsing Category



Do flatforms EVER look stylish?

Fendi shearling flatform sandals

Fendi’s shearling flatforms: they look a bit like someone’s idea of a joke, don’t they? Like, they’re the kind of shoe you might wrap up and present to someone as a gift, before bursting out laughing, saying, “only joking!” and then presenting them with their REAL present. Either that or a pair of those comedy slippers everyone seems to love – you know the ones which are designed to make you  look like your feet are stuffed inside two giant puppies or something? Hilarious.

These 850 euro designer shoes, however, are equally hilarious to us, as is the idea of people actually walking around in them, in all seriousness. Of course, we’re biased: flatforms are one of those things we’re just never going to understand, so, in a bid to try and come to terms with them, today we ask the question: can flatforms EVER look stylish? Well, let’s take a look…

Here’s Rihanna, trying to “edge up” a pretty dress (because heaven forbid a dress NOT look “edgy”!) with a pair of chunky flatform loafers. Is she making them look stylish, though? You decide…

Lily Collins, meanwhile, wore a similar pair of flatform loafers to the Stella McCartney Autumn 2016 presentation, pairing them with a floral satin bomber jacket and… actually, she seems to be JUST wearing the bomber jacket. Letting the shoes be the focal point of the outfit, perhaps?

Finally, here’s Stellla McCartney herself, in a pair of her own lace-up flatforms (and by “her own” we mean she designed them, not simply that she owns them…):

As the creator of the footwear in question, it’s obviously no surprise to see Stella wearing these, but we’re not sure any of these celebrities have convinced us to give them a go ourselves. So, CAN flatforms EVER look stylish? The jury’s still out…

Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Fine feathers make fine shoes… or do they?


FINE FEATHERS MAKE FINE BIRDS… er, we mean shoes. And not so much fine shoes, as “really quite strange shoes“. The kind of shoes you probably wouldn’t be able to wear all that often, because unless you had someone carrying you around on a litter or something, we’re not going to trust those feathers to remain looking pristine for long. And we really don’t think that bedraggled feathers would create quite the same look, somehow…

Of course, that’s just us: we can’t ignore the fact that feather-heeled shoes are still much more popular (at least, if what we’re seeing in stores is anything to go by, anyway. There’s sometimes a difference between what fashion brands will try to sell you, and what people will actually BUY…), so if you like the look, but not the price, here’s a much more affordable version from Missguided:

grey feather heeled sandals

Not quite as exotic, sure, although probably a little more wearable: although, if the reaction we get from simply wearing a pair of heels – ANY pair of heels – is anything to go by, be prepared to get a lot of questions and “hilarious” comments from onlookers about the fact that you appear to have wings on your heels…

If even these are just too OTT for your tastes, worry not: did you know you can even work the feather trend while wearing a sensible pair of boots? Oh yes you can

feathered boots

So you still get to wear feathers on your feet, but at least no one can accuse you of jumping on board a silly fashion trend, can they? These are just WAY too sensible for that…

P.S. Before we go… our sister site, ShoeperWoman, just launched a brand new Questions forum, where you can post questions, and get answers about fashion, beauty, life, or anything you want, really. Go take a look – and feel free to join in!

Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Furry mules: still a crime of fashion

furry slides

furry mules

Well, THIS is disappointing.

We really thought that furry slides were one of those flash-in-the-pan fashion trends that would be left well and truly behind us in 2015. One of those trends, in fact, that people would look back on a few months later, and think “what on EARTH was I thinking?”

We STILL think that’s probably going to happen at some point, but unfortunately it seems we’re going to have to wait a little while longer for it to happen, because look what we just found at Topshop: yup, furry slides. In a choice of three colours. Is that someone calling the Fashion Police, we hear?

These are £56, which seems like quite a lot of money to us for something that looks… well, like THIS, basically. With that said, we can’t really imagine thinking any price would be reasonable here – not even if we were buying them purely as slippers, with the intention of wearing them around the house. (Side note: it’s a sign of what the fashion world has come to that we actually have to clarify here that slippers are what we’d wear ‘around the house’, but with the line between “pyjamas” and “outdoor clothes” now blurred to the point where it doesn’t actually exist any more, we think the disclaimer is probably necessary…) In fact, you’d actually have to pay US to wear these in public, and we probably wouldn’t do it for £56, either.

So, have Topshop got it wrong, or are people going to be lining up to buy these? Well, we’ve said it before, but this is yet another so-called trend that we’ve only ever seen on fashion bloggers and reality TV stars, so we’ll be surprised if people start wearing them to work, say. Unless, of course, they work as the aforementioned fashion bloggers and reality TV stars, obviously…

Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Gucci Horsebit-detailed goat hair slippers

scrolldown fug

We seriously thought this was a joke at first. It looks like one, right? Smartly-dressed woman: maybe not everyone’s style, but she looks like she’s made a bit of effort with a classic jeans/blazer/scarf combo. Then you scroll down the page and…

goat hair slippers

NO. No, no, NO. Goathair slippers should not be a thing. Seriously: leave the hair to the goats, people, because this looks absolutely ridiculous AND costs £1,230. When we first laid eyes on them, the fact that they were described as “slippers” made us think they were one of those “hilarious” animal-themed house slippers people like to wear. You know the ones that make you look like you stuffed your foot inside a teddy bear, or a monkey, or whatever? Yeah, we hate those too, and will never understand want to dress up as toddlers at home, but the key to that sentence is the phrase “AT HOME”. At least those things aren’t actually designed to be worn out on the street: these, however, ARE, and if you’re wondering what on EARTH you’d ever wear with them, Net-a-Porter suggest “floaty skirts and dresses”. Which we actually fully support, if only because it would be absolutely hilarious to see people walking around in a floaty dress and a pair of slippers that look like they’re still alive.

If you think the slippers are a little bit too much, however, maybe the clogs will be more to your liking?

Gucci clogs

Or maybe not.

Gucci aren’t the only brand making incomprehensibly furry shoes this season, though: nope, Maison Martin Margiela are it too, with these grey faux fur mules:

faux fur mules

We wouldn’t have expected any less of them, really. These are ‘just’ $1,360 at Shopbop, if anyone’s interested: and, if you are interested, you can rest assured that there’s plenty more where those came from.

Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Crime of Fashion | Maison Martin Margiela faux-fur mules

OK, we’re declaring a state of emergency.

faux fur mules

The fur shoes thing is getting out of hand. All summer we’ve watched as designers presented us with fur-covered shoe after fur-covered shoe. We hated them all, naturally – as far as we’re concerned, there’s never a good reason for a shoe to have fur on it, and whether it’s fake fur or not, it’s still always going to be a crime of fashion – but we bided our time and hoped it was just a flash-in-pan trend.

There are even MORE furry shoes on show as part of the autumn/winter collections, however, so the situation seems to be getting worse rather than better. And as soon as we saw these faux fur mules by our old nemesis, Maison Martin Margiela, we knew the situation was getting out of hand. Seriously, can you even imagine what these would look like on? Or how filthy that fur would get as you walked around in them? Because we can imagine it. We can imagine it all too clearly, and while there’s no denying that there would undoubtedly be a huge amount of comedic value in seeing people walk around with feet like Chewbacca, it’s still not something we want to encourage.

So we’re declaring a state of emergency.

If you see these shoes, call The Fashion Police.

If you see anything LIKE these shoes – still call The Fashion Police.

If you happen to look down one day, and THIS is what you see, meanwhile…

faux fur shoes

… you probably DON’T want to call The Fashion Police, because you just won’t like what we have to say. Instead, go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass ‘Go’. Do not collect $200. Because you’re committing crimes of fashion, and friends don’t let friends wear furry Chewbacca shoes, no matter how “on trend” they happen to be.

Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

If you love dinosaurs, you’ll love these shoes

Irregular Choise dinosaur shoes

Irregular Choise dinosaur heels

We know a little girl who’d probably love these shoes – or the heels of them, at least.  She’s two, though. There is that.

And that, in a nutshell, sums up exactly why we’ve never really got the appeal of the vast majority of Irregular Choice shoes. Sure, there’s the odd pair that looks like they may have been designed for adults, but when you find yourself admiring the same shoes as a toddler, you start wondering if perhaps time to re-assess.

What makes a grown adult decide she wants to have two plastic dinosaurs attached to her feet? We don’t know, but we’re going to assume that any explanation would include liberal use of the words “fun”, “quirky”, “whimsical” and “you’re obviously just OLD, Fashion Police – you need to get a sense of humor!”

Well, we ARE pretty old, granted, so we’re guilty as charged on that one. As for the sense of humour, we kind of feel that your clothes shouldn’t really REQUIRE one, but that’s just us, and as with so many of the items we feature here, it’s fairly obvious we’re not part of the target market for this stuff, which is absolutely fine – there’s room for all kinds of taste in the world, and if you want dinosaurs to form an integral part of your footwear, then at least you know Irregular Choice will probably always cater for you.

If, meanwhile, you want your shoes to be an adventure, as opposed to simply being footwear, the good news is that Irregular Choice cater to you, too:

Irregular Choice Big Top

They’re called Big Top – presumably because walking in them would be something of a balancing act. Considering the astonished looks and derisory comments we get just from wearing a pair of LOW heels (“How can you even stand up in them?!”), we’d LOVE to see the reaction these would get from the general public!

Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

New shoes don’t necessarily cure the blues

They say new shoes cure the blues. What if the shoes in question look like THIS, though?

multicoloured knee high boots

We don’t know about you, but our blues have not been cured by these. Our officers found them on Louisa Via Roma, as examples of how (not) to style the equally interesting dress and shorts shown above. Despite searching through all of the shoes on the site, we couldn’t find these for sale: we’d imagine they’re probably by the same brand as the items they’ve been shown with (Au Jour Le Jour), but we can’t be sure, and didn’t feel inclined to take our enquiries any further, having been distracted by these:

fringe shoes

So. That whole “shoes you can sweep your floor with” trend is still going strong, huh? We didn’t think that one would ever catch on, but perhaps we’re just too squeamish about the kind of debris we’d pick up if we walked down a city street in those things. Or in these ones, for that matter:

furry shoes

Seriously, why is this a thing now? It doesn’t get any better the more we see it, and these shoes don’t get better when you see how they’ve styled them, either:

weird tulle dress

To be fair, we’d want to hide our faces if we were wearing any of these items too, so at least that’s ONE part of the look that makes sense to us. We’re not totally sure how you’re supposed to see clearly with a giant embroidered flower over your eyes, though, and we definitely wouldn’t recommend driving while wearing this dress, because that could be pretty dangerous. It’s not often we find ourselves describing a dress as “dangerous”, but you don’t to mess with this one – take our word for it.


kangaroo fur shoes

These are kangaroo fur. We’re just going to leave you with that thought…

Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Shoes to keep your feet dry

terry mules

Moschino terrycloth mules, £325

First of all, yes, these are by Moschino: how did you guess? (Er, apart from by the name on the label, obviously…)

Secondly: no, your eyes do not deceive you – they really are made of terrycloth. As in, the same fabric as your towels, or your bathrobe.

On the plus side, at least they’ll keep your feet nice and dry (except they won’t, because the towelling fabric is on the outside of the shoe, not the inside. If it was on the inside, they might have managed to escape Fashion Police arrest, but alas, no.)

On the minus side, however… er, where do we start? We guess it basically boils down to the fact that these are essentially made from towels – and they LOOK like they’re made from towels. If that seems like a good use of £325 to you, go for it. If not, here’s something a little cheaper you could buy instead:

mesh skirt

It’s £194, but we’re afraid you’ll have to provide the knickers yourself, because they’re not included. And we really wouldn’t recommend going commando in this.

If the knickers thing is a deal-breaker, and you’re prepared to spend just a little bit more, you could treat yourself to a pair of these:

saggy harem pants

£202 well spent, don’t you think? We’d suggest spending just a little bit more, and also buying yourself an iron for them, but we guess that would be missing the point, wouldn’t it? It’s not edgy if it’s ironed, after all. (Note the presence of the ugly shoes here, too: they’re an essential element of this particular look…)

Of course, it’s possible the shoes are just a distraction technique. We’re pretty sure that’s what’s going on here, for instance:

jumpsuit with side boob

As distraction techniques go, this is actually a pretty good one, because the eye just doesn’t know what to focus on first. Will it be the strange, feathered shoes? The sheer lace dungarees? (The words “lace” and “dungarees” just shouldn’t ever appear in a sentence together, should they?) The side boob? It’s genius. Criminal genius, but genius all the same.

Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Feathered Fashion Fails

This week, our officers identified a troubling new mini-trend: the feathered shoe:

feathered mules

[feathered mules]

My Theresa describes these as “the epitome of sheer elegance”. We, meanwhile, would describe them more like, “the epitome of roadkill, lying there all sad and bedraggled on the ground.” What’s that you say? They’re NOT actually “bedraggled”? Well, not NOW they’re not, but imagine what they’d look like after you’d taken even a very short walk in them? Even if you only ever wear them indoors, you’re going to end up with clean floors (Which we guess would be kind of cool, actually: you get to clean your house without actually feeling like you’re cleaning your house…), but very dirty shoes. Wear them on a city street, meanwhile, and just imagine the kind of things that would get stuck to those feathers! Maybe if they had some kind of heel, to lift them off the ground a little? Perhaps that would work ?

feathered mary janes feathered mary janes

[feathered Mary Janes]

Or perhaps not, on second thoughts.

These ones are pale, so they’re going to get even dirtier, even quicker. Still, it’s your £700 you’re spending, so go for it…

You may be wondering what you’d wear with these shoes, though. May we suggest this:

feathered mini skirt

[feathered mini skirt]

Feathered mini skirts are one of those items that are unaccountably popular. For some people, they actually ARE the epitome of style, and they consider them to wonderfully whimsical and almost intimidatingly stylish, with only the select few possessing the necessary levels of style to pull them off. (You want to tell us we obviously don’t have that level of style, if we don’t like this. You are right. Importantly, though: we don’t care.) Whether or not skirts like this actually look good is purely a matter of personal taste, of course. One thing we do agree with the feathered skirt lovers on, however, is that not many people can pull this look off. In fact, most people will look absolutely ridiculous in something like this, as if they forgot their actual skirt, and ended up just wrapping a giant feather boa around their waists instead. Maybe 2% of the population will actually look good in it: if you’re in that 2%, we salute you – go ahead and wear your feathers with pride!

Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Crime of Fashion? Rick Owens clog sandals

Rick Owens clog sandals

Rick Owens is no stranger to the inside of a Fashion Police cell: in fact, we’ve investigated his designs so often we consider him to be something of a master criminal.

Today, we’re taking a close look at the evidence above: one “90mm clog leather wedge sandal”, according to Louisa Via Roma. We’re glad they cleared that up for us: if we hadn’t read the product description, we’d probably have assumed this was some kind of medieval device designed to allow the wearer to plough fields, simply by walking over them. These will set you back no less than £1,517, and just in case you’re looking at  them thinking, “I love them! But what on earth will I wear with them?”, worry not, we have the answer to that right here:

rick Owens oversized tulle dress

A £465 oversized tulle dress. Awesome.

There are a lot of questions which come to mind when we look at this outfit, but we’ll start with the most obvious one: who on earth wears white knickers underneath their see-through black dress? You’d definitely wear black underwear with this, wouldn’t you? Or maybe nude, to create that, “Haha, tricked you!” effect when people think you’re naked underneath it – which will only be HALF true if you wear it as shown in the photo above. We’d like to be able to assume most people WOULDN’T wear it like that, obviously, but experience tells us differently.

If the outfit above doesn’t grab you, however, perhaps this one will:

Rick Ownes dress and boots

The classic Rick Owens, “I couldn’t find my boots, so I just tied two leather jackets to my feet instead” look. It never gets old, does it?

P.S. Shopbop’s Big Event starts today, and runs until  o Sunday March 8, 2015 4:00AM Eastern Time, offering up to 25% off everything, including sale items.  Shop the sale here.

Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Socks and stilettos, from Jeffrey Campbell

white stilettos with lurex socks

[Buy them here]

Remember when white stilettos used to be considered a crime of fashion?

Wait, scratch that: you’re all probably too young to remember those days, aren’t you? There was a time, however, when white stilettos were a key part of the whole “Essex girl” stereotype, and were just about as tacky as it was possible for a pair of shoes to get. Those days are long gone, of course, but sometimes once your brain has made a particular association, it can be hard to shake it, so, for us, it’s hard to see white stilettos without also thinking of orange fake tan, long acrylic fingernails (ideally with some kind of diamanté accessories stuck to them), and spidery false eyelashes.

It’s even harder, of course, for us to look at white stilettos when they have a pair of lurex socks attached to them. And by “white stiletttos”, we mean “any shoes”. And by “lurex socks” we mean “any socks”. If you’re familiar with The Fashion Police, you’re probably familiar with our feelings on shoes with socks attached to them: we won’t get into the details, because we’ve said it all before, but we will just say we’re not in the least bit surprised to find that this particular example comes from hardened fashion criminal, Jeffrey Campbell.

We’ll also just say that, as much as we dislike stuck-together-clothes, they’re still better than this:

gladiator sandals

Gladiator sandals: the scourge of summer fashion. Like Birkenstocks and Crocs before them, we can’t think of a single outfit that wouldn’t look instantly worse with the addition of these clunky, strappy sandals. We’ve said it before, but we miss the days when shoes were simply beautiful: today’s footwear fashions seem to be an attempt at intentional ugliness, and to be considered “fashion forward”, you need simply wear something that doesn’t look quite right: which makes us happy to not be “fashionable”…

Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Hey, Bigfoot

model with enormous shoes

All items: ASOS

Shoes just aren’t fun any more.

It’s disappointing, really. Over the course of the last year or two, we’ve watched with growing horror as the world of footwear took a turn for the ugly. We’ve traced the progress back to Jeffrey Campbell’s ubiquitous ‘Lita’ platforms. Rumour has it that at one point you weren’t actually allowed to start a fashion blog unless you were able to provide proof that you owned at least one pair of Litas, and were prepared to wear them in every single outfit photo. From there, it was just a short (albeit clumpy) step to the Birkenstocks and the other orthopaedic styles – many of which are now being worn with socks, as if that isn’t one of the biggest fashion crimes of all time. The Fashion Police weep.

No longer are shoes the finishing touch to the perfect outfit: these days shoes are an outfit all by themselves. as evidenced in the image above. This model is wearing a pair of high-waisted, high-leg shorts, which look as uncomfortable as they would be unflattering to most figures, plus an incomprehensible – actually, what even IS that? Is it a really long tunic? A slash-front dress? Whatever it is, it’s probably a crime of fashion. Not that it matters, though, because the fact is, you didn’t even notice her outfit, did you? No, you look at this photo, and all you see are the shoes. The huge, clumpy shoes.

“Look at my feet!” this outfit screams! “See how big they are! Aren’t my feet HUGE? Say my feet are huge.” And so on, and so forth. And the fact is, her feet are probably completely normally sized: her shoes are determined to convince us otherwise, though, and that seems a strange starting point for an outfit – at least to us non-fashion people. Seriously, who gets out of bed in the morning, gazes into their closet, and thinks, “My aim today is to make my feet look as massive as possible: now, how will I go about it?” Oh yeah: FASHION PEOPLE DO THAT. God help us.

As shoe loves, this is all disturbing and disappointing news. Shoes used to be so dependable, didn’t they? No matter how uninspired you were feeling, outfit-wise, or how many extra holiday pounds you were still trying to shake, shoes could be depended on to make you feel like everything was right with the world again. They always looked good, they always felt special. They were the “pick me up” purchase we’d reward ourselves with at the end of a particularly bad week/month/year.

But now they look like this. Congratulations, fashion world: you’ve managed to ruin something else…

Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Prada’s ‘fake leg’ boots are now available at

Prada fake leg boots

Remember Prada’s infamous ‘Look! It’s a prosthetic leg!” boots? We arrested the Mary Jane version back in 2011, but it would appear these possibly weren’t the instant sellout the brand were hoping for, and you can still find the odd pair (and we mean that literally: they’re very “odd”, aren’t they?) floating around the internet.

Our officers apprehended this suede version at, where they’re currently selling for an ambitious £506 – although if you don’t wear UK size 4.5 or 5.5 you could be destined for disappointment. (Or a lucky escape, depending on how you look at it.) Designed to create the appearance of a bare leg with a black, ankle-strap pump on the foot, these are Footwear Impostors of the highest order, and will only achieve the desired effect if you happen to have a skin tone that’s an exact match for the leg.

If you do, then these are an easy – if expensive – way to get the ‘bare leg’ look, without  having to actually bare your legs – always a bonus at this time of year. Not being huge fans of the opaque tights everyone’s so crazy about, we can almost see the appeal of something like this, although we still reckon the main appeal would be the practical jokes you’d be able to play by leaving them peeking out from under the sofa, say, or – if you want to be really cruel – underneath a parked car.

What say you, Fashion Force? You may never again get the opportunity to own such an iconic piece of footwear, but has time made you forget how hilarious these were when they were first released, or do you still think £500 is far too much for what looks like a wooden leg? As we say, these are in short supply, so if you want to buy a pair, we don’t recommend taking too long to think about it…

Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Has Marc Jacobs taken the trainers trend too far?

Sportwear – or “sportswear luxe”, as the fashion press have been terming it – has been big this season: and it’ll continue to be big long into NEXT season, too. Even those who normally wear heels for the thing most people wear sneakers for, have taken to wearing sneakers for the things most people wear heels for… er, if that makes sense?

For many of you, of course, this has been a really welcome development in fashion. At a time when dress codes have all but died out (Once again, we cite the continuing trend for pyjamas/onesies in public and the large number of Google searches this site receives for the term “Is it OK to wear jeans to a wedding?” as evidence of this…), and you’re considered “overdressed” if you wear heels or a skirt of ANY description, we’re slowly having to accept that people just don’t like to get dressed up for anything but the very fanciest of occasions. “But they’re SO COMFY! is the clarion call of our generation, most often spoken in defense of Uggs, leggings, and the various other items of clothing which are generally considered to be “ugly”, but which people wear anyway.

It was only a matter of time before casual dressing became a trend in its own right, and once that happened, it was only matter of time before someone decided to take it too far. That person is Marc Jacobs, designing for his Marc by Marc Jacobs line:

marc jacobs sneakers

[Buy them here for $566]

We’ll just say here that we don’t hate sneakers: regular sneakers, we mean. In fact, we’ve actually been quite enjoying their current status as “fashion” items (as opposed to being just what everyone wears anyway…), and we really think some people have been making them look almost as covetable as the heels we normally prefer. But these look like expensive clown shoes, no? The colours, the patterns, the crazy soles… we can’t really imagine seeing these on someone and thinking, “Damn, those shoes are stylish: must get some!”, but that could just be us. Probably is, actually.

What say you, readers: you do love or hate these sneakers? Would you wear them?



Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Spotted! Footwear Impostors make a comeback

A few years ago, many of The Fashion Police’s arrests revolved around what we termed ‘Footwear Impostors”: boots pretending to be shoes; shoes pretending to be socks – that kind of thing.

Footwear Impostors have almost died out in recent years: in fact, we started to think our mission had been successful, and we’d managed to round ’em all up, leaving shoe stores filled with shoes and boots that were exactly what they looked like. THAT’S the sort of footwear you can trust, isn’t it?

Now, however, it is with heavy hearts we must report a new sighting of a Footwear Impostor:

shoe with attached sock sock/shoe hybrid

Buy Them

It could be worse. They could have attached the lurex socks to a pair of Birkenstocks. Actually, we’re kinda surprised they didn’t, considering how trendy Birkenstocks are at the moment…

(Aside: can you imagine how annoyed the people who’ve always worn Birkenstocks purely for comfort reasons, saying they don’t care what they look like, must be to suddenly find themselves looking like fashion victims? That has to suck…)

Although it COULD be worse, however, that doesn’t mean it’s not pretty bad as it is. On a personal taste note, we wouldn’t wear either the shoes or the socks on their own (Well, we might wear the socks, we guess, but only with jeans or something…), let alone together, but even if we DID decide the two were perfectly matched, and wanted to wear them as an ensemble, we think we’d appreciate the ability to separate them again at the end of the day, wouldn’t you? Or do you always wear the same shoes with the same socks, and frequently find yourself wishing you could just stick ’em together and be done with it?

If you would, these are for you – but only if you have a spare $586 to pay for them…

Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Furry ballet flats are a thing now

furry ballet flats

Buy Them

These may look like a cosy pair of furry slippers, but it saddens us to report that they’re actually a pair of furry outdoor shoes: and $740 ones, at that.

Now, we’ve written fairly extensively on the scourge of furry boots that seem to be dominating the autumn/winter collections, but these ones are particularly perplexing, and not JUST because they’d presumably make your feet look like they belonged on a hairy mammoth.  No, we’re talking here about practicality. As with the furry boots we’ve featured, we can’t see how pale fur would be at all practical during the wintery weather these presumably designed for, but at least the boots have the defense of being warm. These shoes, however, raise the conundrum that if it’s cold enough to wear fur on your feet, surely it’s too cold for ballet flats, which expose the top of the foot? And you could, of course, wear thick socks with them, but… that does’t sound particularly stylish either, does it?

Our schoolgirl French didn’t permit us to identify which breed of animal (if any) might have died to create these, but the product description  DOES seem to talk a bit about Ann Bolyen and Elizabeth the first, so perhaps there’s a reason for the existence of these shoes that we haven’t even considered. If Elizabethan fashions are about to make a comeback, however, well, that’ll make for some interesting times here at Fashion Police HQ, let’s put it that way…

Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Frankenshoes | Strange Shoes Ride Again

We know we’ve been bringing you a lot pf shoe-related arrests lately, but as we mentioned in our last crime report, shoes have become the master criminals of the fashion world. The ringleaders, if you will. Never has there been a time in which ugly footwear was quite so prevalent: footwear like THIS:

strange shoes: platform boots with flower detail

Thom.Solo x Solestruck Dahlia’ boots, $299.95

We’d imagine some of you will like these, and think they’re pretty. Because those are flowers on the platform, after all, and flowers are pretty, yes? Well, yes, but here’s the problem: those are FLOWERS on the platform. When we first looked at them, we assumed the wearer of the boots had stepped in something nasty, and not bothered to wipe it off. Once it’s been seen, it can’t be unseen, so that’s basically spoiled THESE for us. (Er, not that we’d have necessarily wanted a pair of giant platform boots in the first place, you understand…)

Jeffrey Campbell 'Pepe' fur heeled shoes

Jeffrey Campbell ‘Pepe’, $149.95

We thought Jeffrey Campbell had been keeping it quiet on the fashion crime front lately… then we found these. Trust ‘ol JC to jump right aboard the “fur-heel” bandwagon, huh? These ‘Pepe’ shoes are similar in shape to the DSquared2 pumps we arrested a couple of weeks ago: same square heel, same inexplicable use of fur, same chance of getting you arrested by The Fashion Police. We really hope this heel isn’t going to be a trend: we don’t think there are enough Fashion Police officers in the world to handle  a Lita-esque crimewave…

On the subject of Jeffrey Campbell:

Jefrey Campbell Rookbee

Jeffrey Campbell ‘Rookbee’ boots, $209

Again, the industrial feel of these boots will really appeal to some people, while others will hate them for exactly the same reasons. Such is the beauty of fashion: one woman’s fashion crime is another woman’s Most Wanted: what we want to know is where YOU stand. What do you think of the footwear in our lineup:  which ones (if any) do you want us to arrest?

Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

More strange shoes: crimewave continues

We usually leave most of the shoe talk to ShoeperWoman, but right now there are just too many ugly shoes out there for her to handle, so we’re stepping in to make a few arrests.

As ShoeperWoman observed earlier this week, footwear fashion is going through something of an awkward stage at the moment. There are Birkenstocks. There are those clumpy white sandals with the giant platform soles. There are… these:

Charlotte Olympia Hands shoes

Charlotte Olympia ‘Hands On’ sandals, £755

Shoes. Made out of… hands. Not REAL hands, obviously. That would creepy. And this… isn’t? Selfridges tactfully say these will “have everyone looking twice.” Well, that’s certainly ONE way to put it. Charlotte Olympia isn’t the only one trying to make hands on shoes happen, though:

Vivetta Hands flatforms

Vivetta ‘HAnds’ flatforms, £281

We consider most flatforms to be crimes of fashion, so to be completely honest, the creepy hands are the least of worries here. But back to Charlotte Olympia:

Charlotte Olympia platforms

Charlotte Olympia platforms, $946

Some people have the same reaction to Charlotte Olympia platforms as we have to any pair of FLATforms. Those people probably won’t have a lot of love for the little climbers on the heels of these ones: we, meanwhile, just hope the little dudes don’t fall off – it’s a long, long way down…

And as for these:

furry boots

LD Tuttle ‘The Bone’ leather boots, £606

It’s almost as if the designer finished making a relatively inoffensive pair of boots, then thought, “Wait: how can I make these uglier? I know! Fur!” And seriously, while we’re on the subject, what’s with all the furry footwear around lately? Is this going to be A Thing this winter? If so, someone please tell us now, so we can call in some re-inforcements…

What do you think of these shoes, officers? Are they crimes of fashion, or would you wear any of them?

Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Strange Shoes |Footwear Fails on Trial

While browsing Louisa Via Roma this week, our undercover officers discovered the following footwear offences – or possible offences, depending on your opinion:

shoes with white fur heel

DSquared2 mink and suede pumps, £810

You’re probably never going to convince us that real fur on footwear is a good idea, but even if you could, these would have to be the least practical shoes we’ve ever seen. Seriously, that’s a white fur heel: can you even IMAGINE what it’s going to look like once you’ve walked down the street in it – or do people who buy £810 not actually walk down streets? Are they perhaps chauffeured to their appointments, and then carried from car to doorway on a litter? Because that’s the only situation in which we can imagine those heels remaining white…

Ernesto Esposito HIlary pumps

Ernesto Esposito ‘Hillary’ pumps, £225

OK, after seeing the white furry heels above, we’re actually inclined to let ‘Hillary’ here go. It’s hardly the most offensive shoe we’ve seen after all, and although it does violate our “shoes should not have faces” rule, we don’t think we’d classify it as a true crime of fashion, would you?

mongolian fur snowboots

DSquared2 Mongolian fur snow boots, £42

A lot of people seem to think snow boots should be given a free pass when it comes to style, because it’s haaard to look good in the snow, isn’t it? And who really cares what you look like in sub-zero temperatures anyway? We beg to differ: we’re not saying a snowy street should be treated as a catwalk, obviously, but we ARE saying there are snowboots out there that WON’T make you look like a woolly mammoth, and that has to be a good thing. We’re also saying we still don’t understand how white fur can possibly be practical for snow.  Or how fur can be practical for snow AT ALL, come to think of it. Do we get different snow from everyone else or something?

shoes with lipstick heel

Alberto Guardiani lipstick shoes, £484

We think we’re just going to start a “Leave Heels Alone” petition, begging designers to just let heels be heels. Not lipsticks. Not furry critters. Just… heels. Is that too much to ask?

DSquared2 sandals

DSquared2 sandals, £1870

One more thing heels shouldn’t be: er, whatever that is attached to the stiletto on this sandal. It kind of looks like a bike lock, or one of those wheel clamps traffic cops put on illegally parked cars. That makes us think The Fashion Police should maybe invest in some of these?

MSGM sandals

MSGM sandals, £545

Just… no.

Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Buffalo shoes and the unholy alliance of food and feet

Buffalo flatform shoes with food images

All styles available at Schuh

We don’t know about you, but we just can’t think about food without also thinking about feet, can you?

Oh no, wait: yes we can. In fact, feet are pretty much the LAST thing we want to think about in connection with food. Come to think of it, feet are one of the last things we want to think about AT ALL, because let’s face it: feet are pretty gross, aren’t they? (Quick aside to all the foot fetishes who comment on our Instagram and email asking for foot photos: you don’t have to answer that one…)

Shoe brand Buffalo want you to make a connection between food and feet, folks. So much so, in fact, that they’ve created a small collection of flatform shoes, all covered with realistic food photographs. Burgers. Donuts. Smarties. Add them to a flatform, and what do you get? You get a foodform. Let’s hope this isn’t a trend that’s going to catch on, because we honestly didn’t think flatforms could get an uglier, and yet here we are!

Are these crimes of fashion, though? We’d say they are, although we have to caveat that with the admission that we think ALL flatforms are crimes of fashion, without exception. Mostly because they make your feet look look this:

food flatforms

We can actually sense the words “quirky”, “edgy” and “fun” getting ready to spill out of people’s keyboards, however, so if you’d like to speak up in defence of these, the jury are ready to hear from you now. We’d also like to hear what you’d wear with these, though: we reckon the fist pair would look amazing with this outfit from last year* – what do you think?

What DO you wear with foodforms? Anyone? Anyone at all?

(*No we don’t.)