Shoes

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      Fine feathers make fine shoes… or do they?

      FINE FEATHERS MAKE FINE BIRDS… er, we mean shoes. And not so much fine shoes, as “really quite strange shoes“. The kind of shoes you probably wouldn’t be able to wear all that often, because unless you had someone carrying you around on a litter or something, we’re not going to trust those feathers to remain looking pristine for long. And we really don’t think that bedraggled feathers would create quite the same look, somehow… Of course, that’s just us: we can’t ignore the fact that feather-heeled shoes are still much more popular (at least, if what we’re seeing in stores is anything to go by, anyway. There’s sometimes a difference between what fashion brands will try to sell you, and…

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      Furry mules: still a crime of fashion

      Well, THIS is disappointing. We really thought that furry slides were one of those flash-in-the-pan fashion trends that would be left well and truly behind us in 2015. One of those trends, in fact, that people would look back on a few months later, and think “what on EARTH was I thinking?” We STILL think that’s probably going to happen at some point, but unfortunately it seems we’re going to have to wait a little while longer for it to happen, because look what we just found at Topshop: yup, furry slides. In a choice of three colours. Is that someone calling the Fashion Police, we hear? These are £56, which seems like quite a lot of money to us…

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      Gucci Horsebit-detailed goat hair slippers

      We seriously thought this was a joke at first. It looks like one, right? Smartly-dressed woman: maybe not everyone’s style, but she looks like she’s made a bit of effort with a classic jeans/blazer/scarf combo. Then you scroll down the page and… NO. No, no, NO. Goathair slippers should not be a thing. Seriously: leave the hair to the goats, people, because this looks absolutely ridiculous AND costs £1,230. When we first laid eyes on them, the fact that they were described as “slippers” made us think they were one of those “hilarious” animal-themed house slippers people like to wear. You know the ones that make you look like you stuffed your foot inside a teddy bear, or a monkey,…

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      Crime of Fashion | Maison Martin Margiela faux-fur mules

      OK, we’re declaring a state of emergency. The fur shoes thing is getting out of hand. All summer we’ve watched as designers presented us with fur-covered shoe after fur-covered shoe. We hated them all, naturally – as far as we’re concerned, there’s never a good reason for a shoe to have fur on it, and whether it’s fake fur or not, it’s still always going to be a crime of fashion – but we bided our time and hoped it was just a flash-in-pan trend. There are even MORE furry shoes on show as part of the autumn/winter collections, however, so the situation seems to be getting worse rather than better. And as soon as we saw these faux fur…

      Irregular Choise dinosaur heels

      If you love dinosaurs, you’ll love these shoes

      We know a little girl who’d probably love these shoes – or the heels of them, at least.  She’s two, though. There is that. And that, in a nutshell, sums up exactly why we’ve never really got the appeal of the vast majority of Irregular Choice shoes. Sure, there’s the odd pair that looks like they may have been designed for adults, but when you find yourself admiring the same shoes as a toddler, you start wondering if perhaps time to re-assess. What makes a grown adult decide she wants to have two plastic dinosaurs attached to her feet? We don’t know, but we’re going to assume that any explanation would include liberal use of the words “fun”, “quirky”, “whimsical”…

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      New shoes don’t necessarily cure the blues

      They say new shoes cure the blues. What if the shoes in question look like THIS, though? We don’t know about you, but our blues have not been cured by these. Our officers found them on Louisa Via Roma, as examples of how (not) to style the equally interesting dress and shorts shown above. Despite searching through all of the shoes on the site, we couldn’t find these for sale: we’d imagine they’re probably by the same brand as the items they’ve been shown with (Au Jour Le Jour), but we can’t be sure, and didn’t feel inclined to take our enquiries any further, having been distracted by these: So. That whole “shoes you can sweep your floor with” trend…

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      Shoes to keep your feet dry

      Moschino terrycloth mules, £325 First of all, yes, these are by Moschino: how did you guess? (Er, apart from by the name on the label, obviously…) Secondly: no, your eyes do not deceive you – they really are made of terrycloth. As in, the same fabric as your towels, or your bathrobe. On the plus side, at least they’ll keep your feet nice and dry (except they won’t, because the towelling fabric is on the outside of the shoe, not the inside. If it was on the inside, they might have managed to escape Fashion Police arrest, but alas, no.) On the minus side, however… er, where do we start? We guess it basically boils down to the fact that these…

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      Feathered Fashion Fails

      This week, our officers identified a troubling new mini-trend: the feathered shoe: [feathered mules] My Theresa describes these as “the epitome of sheer elegance”. We, meanwhile, would describe them more like, “the epitome of roadkill, lying there all sad and bedraggled on the ground.” What’s that you say? They’re NOT actually “bedraggled”? Well, not NOW they’re not, but imagine what they’d look like after you’d taken even a very short walk in them? Even if you only ever wear them indoors, you’re going to end up with clean floors (Which we guess would be kind of cool, actually: you get to clean your house without actually feeling like you’re cleaning your house…), but very dirty shoes. Wear them on a…

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      Crime of Fashion? Rick Owens clog sandals

      Rick Owens is no stranger to the inside of a Fashion Police cell: in fact, we’ve investigated his designs so often we consider him to be something of a master criminal. Today, we’re taking a close look at the evidence above: one “90mm clog leather wedge sandal”, according to Louisa Via Roma. We’re glad they cleared that up for us: if we hadn’t read the product description, we’d probably have assumed this was some kind of medieval device designed to allow the wearer to plough fields, simply by walking over them. These will set you back no less than £1,517, and just in case you’re looking at  them thinking, “I love them! But what on earth will I wear with…

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      Socks and stilettos, from Jeffrey Campbell

      [Buy them here] Remember when white stilettos used to be considered a crime of fashion? Wait, scratch that: you’re all probably too young to remember those days, aren’t you? There was a time, however, when white stilettos were a key part of the whole “Essex girl” stereotype, and were just about as tacky as it was possible for a pair of shoes to get. Those days are long gone, of course, but sometimes once your brain has made a particular association, it can be hard to shake it, so, for us, it’s hard to see white stilettos without also thinking of orange fake tan, long acrylic fingernails (ideally with some kind of diamanté accessories stuck to them), and spidery false…

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      Hey, Bigfoot

      All items: ASOS Shoes just aren’t fun any more. It’s disappointing, really. Over the course of the last year or two, we’ve watched with growing horror as the world of footwear took a turn for the ugly. We’ve traced the progress back to Jeffrey Campbell’s ubiquitous ‘Lita’ platforms. Rumour has it that at one point you weren’t actually allowed to start a fashion blog unless you were able to provide proof that you owned at least one pair of Litas, and were prepared to wear them in every single outfit photo. From there, it was just a short (albeit clumpy) step to the Birkenstocks and the other orthopaedic styles – many of which are now being worn with socks, as if that…

      Prada fake leg boots

      Prada’s ‘fake leg’ boots are now available at Yoox.com

      Remember Prada’s infamous ‘Look! It’s a prosthetic leg!” boots? We arrested the Mary Jane version back in 2011, but it would appear these possibly weren’t the instant sellout the brand were hoping for, and you can still find the odd pair (and we mean that literally: they’re very “odd”, aren’t they?) floating around the internet. Our officers apprehended this suede version at Yoox.com, where they’re currently selling for an ambitious £506 – although if you don’t wear UK size 4.5 or 5.5 you could be destined for disappointment. (Or a lucky escape, depending on how you look at it.) Designed to create the appearance of a bare leg with a black, ankle-strap pump on the foot, these are Footwear Impostors…

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      Has Marc Jacobs taken the trainers trend too far?

      Sportwear – or “sportswear luxe”, as the fashion press have been terming it – has been big this season: and it’ll continue to be big long into NEXT season, too. Even those who normally wear heels for the thing most people wear sneakers for, have taken to wearing sneakers for the things most people wear heels for… er, if that makes sense? For many of you, of course, this has been a really welcome development in fashion. At a time when dress codes have all but died out (Once again, we cite the continuing trend for pyjamas/onesies in public and the large number of Google searches this site receives for the term “Is it OK to wear jeans to a wedding?”…

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      Spotted! Footwear Impostors make a comeback

      A few years ago, many of The Fashion Police’s arrests revolved around what we termed ‘Footwear Impostors”: boots pretending to be shoes; shoes pretending to be socks – that kind of thing. Footwear Impostors have almost died out in recent years: in fact, we started to think our mission had been successful, and we’d managed to round ’em all up, leaving shoe stores filled with shoes and boots that were exactly what they looked like. THAT’S the sort of footwear you can trust, isn’t it? Now, however, it is with heavy hearts we must report a new sighting of a Footwear Impostor: It could be worse. They could have attached the lurex socks to a pair of Birkenstocks. Actually, we’re…

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      Furry ballet flats are a thing now

      These may look like a cosy pair of furry slippers, but it saddens us to report that they’re actually a pair of furry outdoor shoes: and $740 ones, at that. Now, we’ve written fairly extensively on the scourge of furry boots that seem to be dominating the autumn/winter collections, but these ones are particularly perplexing, and not JUST because they’d presumably make your feet look like they belonged on a hairy mammoth.  No, we’re talking here about practicality. As with the furry boots we’ve featured, we can’t see how pale fur would be at all practical during the wintery weather these presumably designed for, but at least the boots have the defense of being warm. These shoes, however, raise the…

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      Frankenshoes | Strange Shoes Ride Again

      We know we’ve been bringing you a lot pf shoe-related arrests lately, but as we mentioned in our last crime report, shoes have become the master criminals of the fashion world. The ringleaders, if you will. Never has there been a time in which ugly footwear was quite so prevalent: footwear like THIS: Thom.Solo x Solestruck Dahlia’ boots, $299.95 We’d imagine some of you will like these, and think they’re pretty. Because those are flowers on the platform, after all, and flowers are pretty, yes? Well, yes, but here’s the problem: those are FLOWERS on the platform. When we first looked at them, we assumed the wearer of the boots had stepped in something nasty, and not bothered to wipe…

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      More strange shoes: crimewave continues

      We usually leave most of the shoe talk to ShoeperWoman, but right now there are just too many ugly shoes out there for her to handle, so we’re stepping in to make a few arrests. As ShoeperWoman observed earlier this week, footwear fashion is going through something of an awkward stage at the moment. There are Birkenstocks. There are those clumpy white sandals with the giant platform soles. There are… these: Charlotte Olympia ‘Hands On’ sandals, £755 Shoes. Made out of… hands. Not REAL hands, obviously. That would creepy. And this… isn’t? Selfridges tactfully say these will “have everyone looking twice.” Well, that’s certainly ONE way to put it. Charlotte Olympia isn’t the only one trying to make hands on…

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      Strange Shoes |Footwear Fails on Trial

      While browsing Louisa Via Roma this week, our undercover officers discovered the following footwear offences – or possible offences, depending on your opinion: DSquared2 mink and suede pumps, £810 You’re probably never going to convince us that real fur on footwear is a good idea, but even if you could, these would have to be the least practical shoes we’ve ever seen. Seriously, that’s a white fur heel: can you even IMAGINE what it’s going to look like once you’ve walked down the street in it – or do people who buy £810 not actually walk down streets? Are they perhaps chauffeured to their appointments, and then carried from car to doorway on a litter? Because that’s the only situation…

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      Buffalo shoes and the unholy alliance of food and feet

      All styles available at Schuh We don’t know about you, but we just can’t think about food without also thinking about feet, can you? Oh no, wait: yes we can. In fact, feet are pretty much the LAST thing we want to think about in connection with food. Come to think of it, feet are one of the last things we want to think about AT ALL, because let’s face it: feet are pretty gross, aren’t they? (Quick aside to all the foot fetishes who comment on our Instagram and email asking for foot photos: you don’t have to answer that one…) Shoe brand Buffalo want you to make a connection between food and feet, folks. So much so, in…

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      Iris Van Herpen X United Nude Biopiracy Boots: the strangest shoes ever?

      Iris Van Herpen X United Nude Biopiracy Boots, £1,245 Neither United Nude or Iris Van Herpen are known for producing “ordinary” designs, so it should come as no surprise that these boots are the result of a collaboration between the two. Oh yeah: these are boots, by the way. Sorry, was that not clear from the photos? It’s MOST clear from the final shot, in which you can see what appears to be the back of a shoe, embedded in what appears to be part of Darth Vader. (Which would give us an excellent idea for a Halloween costume, actually, if it weren’t for the small fact that these cost £1,245 per pair.) That aside, though, these are definitely one…

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      Charlotte Olympia has a message (in a bottle) for you…

      Charlotte Olympia sandals, $1916 The main thing we’ve come to expect from Charlotte Olympia over the years is that… you never really know what to expect. The Queen of Quirk, as we’ve dubbed designer Charlotte Dellal, is famous for her eccentric approach to shoes (We say that in the nicest possible ways), but these platform sandal are unusual even for her. With a “glass” bottle for a heel (We’re assuming that’s reinforced plastic rather than real glass; we shudder to think of the damage we’d manage to do with ACTUAL glass shoes!), these turn the “message in a bottle” into a wearable piece of art, complete with sand, shells and a cork stopper. Interesting and unusual though they are, the…

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      Style Trial | Irregular Choice ‘Eternal Friend’ unicorn high heels

      Last season, Irregular Choice wanted us all to stomp on gnomes. This year, it seems unicorns are in the firing line: Irregular Choice ‘Eternal Friend’ unicorn high heels, £115 Seriously, what is it with this brand and the abuse of mythical creatures?* Surely our “eternal friends” won’t be eternal for much longer if we keep on stomping on them? From this, you’ll probably gather (correctly, as it happens), that we’re not big fans of the whole “living being as heel of shoe” thing. With that said, though – and we’re bracing ourselves for the backlash here – we’re not huge fans of Irregular Choice in general. Sure, they have their moments of genius: there are some styles we’ve really liked,…

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      Style Trial | White cleated sole shoes

      Flicking through the photos of attendees at London Fashion Week (Which, honestly, is much more interesting than the actual runway photos a lot of the time…) we were instantly struck by the fact that everyone (or, OK, ALMOST everyone…) seemed to be wearing the same shoes. These shoes, to be exact: Choies cleated sole shoes, $119.99 or sometimes these: River Island white cleated sole shoes, £60 Or any one of many variations on this style, which is white, chunky, and with that distinctive, cleated sole, which at least looks like it’ll have a lot of grip on it. And that’s really the most positive thing we can think to say about it. Now, make no mistake: these shoes are not…

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      Trend Trial | Sensible Sandals as a Fashion Statement

      This summer, sandals are getting sensible. And by “sensible”, we’re talking Birkenstock-esque levels of comfort, all worn with the kind of outfits we’re more used to seeing with much more dressy shoes: Images: Zara, Topshop, Primark   Now, before we go any further here, we just want to make it crystal clear that we’re not talking about people who wear these shoes because they have foot problems, or because they need to walk miles in the midday sun, and just want to be comfortable while they’re doing it. Nuh-uh. That’s not why the brands showcased above have styled their clothes with chunky, almost orthopaedic looking footwear. They’re not doing it because they want the models to be comfortable: they’re doing…

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      The Ugliest Shoes of 2013

      Happy new year, Fashion Force! We trust you all had an awesome and stylish start to the year, and are ready to get on with the important business of fighting all of the fashion crimes we’re sure to encounter in 2014. Before we get on to that, though, we still have to finish our 2013 Crime Retrospective, and today we’re looking at the wonderful – and sometimes not-so-wonderful- world of shoes. Now, we generally try to leave all things footwear-related to our sister site, ShoeperWoman, but we did step in to make a few footwear-related arrests last year, and you’ll find them rounded up in the gallery below. Are these the ugliest shoes of 2013? Take a look and find…

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      Ugg boots were the most searched-for “fashion” item on Black Friday

      Ugg boots have long been considered a crime of fashion here at TFP HQ, but there are plenty of people out there who disagree with us, as evidenced by the fact that the stumpy sheepskin boots were the most searched-for women’s “fashion” item on black Friday, according to Google. We’re using the word “fashion” in inverted commas here because we refuse to take Ugg boots seriously as “fashion” items. Sure, we can see how they’d come in handy on a cold (but dry: soggy Ugg boots made it on to our own list of winter fashion crimes just last month, remember) winter day: they’d keep your feet warm while you were out walking the dog, say, or doing some other…

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      Fashion Crime Friday | Frankenshoe edition

      It’s been a while since we delved into the world of Frankenshoes (or “ugly shoes”, as you may know them), so we thought it was high time we sent some officers out to inspect the shoes of the world. The first suspect they came back with was this one: Stella McCartney shoes, £480 Now, these are pretty ugly, and we’re willing to bet they’ll look even worse on a foot (Bigfoot springs to mind. Big, white, chunky foot), but they kind of pale into insignificance next to these: Jeffrey Campbell ‘The Icy Shoes’, $265 It wouldn’t be a Frankenshoe roundup without something from Jeffrey Campbell, would it? This time, the master of Frankesnhoes has excelled himself, beheading a dreamhome full…

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      Style Trial | Charlotte Olympia ‘Bear Necessities’ shoes

        Charlotte Olympia ‘Bear Necessities’ pumps, £565 Charlotte Olympia has never been a brand we’ve ever associated with the word “ordinary”. We described designer Charlotte Dellal as “the Queen of Quirk” in yesterday’s post, and just like any reigning monarch, she has her trusted supporters, and her sworn enemies. Which one of those groups you find yourself a member of will probably determine how you’re likely to vote in this edition of Style Trial. If you love Olympia, and Della’s particular brand of off-the-wall style, you might just love the idea of a pair of shoes with a teddy bear’s head glued to the toes. Sorry, make that TWO teddies. Well, it would be weird if there was just one,…

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      Scary Slippers: when footwear goes bad

      Berhard Willhelm cotton and leather slippers, $325 We don’t normally waste our officer’s time on fashion crimes of the “indoor clothes” kind, because as people are always telling us, why should we care what people wear in the comfort of their own homes? And why indeed: we may not fully understand why some people relax at home by stuffing their feet inside a pair of stuffed teddy bears, say, or any of the many other “comedic” slippers people seem to love so much, but we’re not going to arrest them for it either. (Unless they start wearing them in public, obviously, as has happened with our arch nemesis, the adult onesie. When that happens, all bets are off.) We do…

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      Style SOS: Which shoes to wear with skinny jeans?

      The post ‘What shoes to wear with skinny jeans‘ has been moved to our sister site, ShoeperWoman.com – please click here to read it! All shoes: Shopbop No one likes the “cankles” effect, and wearing shoes designed to chop the leg in half at the ankle are a really easy way to create cankles where they don’t exist. This becomes even more of an issue with jeans which hug the ankles anyway, which is why so many people have trouble working out which shoes will look good with skinny jeans, and which ones will create the dreaded “golf club” effect. ShoeperWoman helps solve that dilemma with some skinny jeans styling suggestions. If you’re looking for some posts to read here…

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      Trend Trial: PVC Shoes

      For many people, PVC shoes are an automatic crime of fashion, no questions asked. Do not pass ‘Go’, do not collect $200, just proceed directly to The Fashion Police jail, and take your stripper heels with you, thanks all the same. In fact, not to put too fine a point on it, but for many people, the words “PVC” and “shoes” in the same sentence will instantly conjure up images of something like this: ABS by Allen Schwartz wedge sandals, £89 / Christian Louboutin high heel sandals, £960 / Valentino leather shoes, £575 / Alexander Wang clear shoes, £630 / Christian Louboutin high-heel shoes, £510 / Christian Louboutin leather shoes, £400 Which we think most of you will agree, is most definitely a crime of fashion….

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      Trend Trial: Barely There Sandals

      Barely-there sandals have been one of the biggest shoe trends of the summer so far, and although this style isn’t actually a new one (Jennifer Aniston has always loved them, for instance, and so did Carrie Bradshaw…), it’s certainly seeing an increase in popularity at the moment, and you know what that means, don’t you? Yup, it’s time for a Trend Trial… Trend Trial: Barely There Sandals So, what exactly ARE barely there sandals? Well, the clue is is in the question there – as if there wasn’t enough of a clue in the image. These are exactly what they sound like: shoes designed to be almost invisible on the feet – they’re there, but they’re barely there. Capiche? Most…

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      Style SOS: How to wear pastel shoes

      From our ASK.fm question box: Pastels, as we’re sure we don’t need to tell you, are as ubiquitous in Spring/Summer as florals are, and pastel shoes have been a trend for the past couple of years, with mint, lemon and baby blue footwear particularly in evidence. While pastel shoes LOOK cute, summery and easy to wear, however, they can actually be rather tricky to style. Those soft pastel shades may look pretty on the screen, but once you put them on your feet those light colours can look much brighter than you might have expected to. They’re colours that draw the eye right to them, which means they can make your feet look larger than they really are, while overwhelming…

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      Throwback Thursday: High Tide Heels

      If you use Instagram at all, you’re probably familiar with Throwback Thursday: the internet meme in which people post old photos, so they can look back and remember how cute/embarrassing they once were. Well, here at The Fashion Police we have an entire archive full of old photos of fashion crimes which many of you may not have seen, so we thought it might be fun to take part in Throwback Thursday by re-visiting some of the Fashion Crimes of the past. Like this one, for instance: This isn’t technically a crime of fashion, because these aren’t technically shoes. So, to answer the obvious questions: 1. No, they’re not real. 2. No, you can’t buy them. These ‘High Tide Heels’,…

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      Gladiator sandals, garter leggings and other crimes of fashion

      Remember when gladiator sandals were in fashion, and everyone was walking around wearing what we like to think of as “skeleton boots”? Well, they’re back: Jeffrey Campbell ‘Lilith’ shoes, $325 “Gladiator sandals” isn’t really the right term for these, but honestly, we’re not really sure what WOULD be the right way to describe them. Jeffrey Campbell (for of course he is the criminal mastermind behind these) calls them ‘Lilith’, so maybe we’ll just go with that. Let’s all hope Lilith doesn’t prove to be anything like as popular as her sister, Lita, huh? The good news is that these fasten via a zipper at the back of the leg, so if you DO happen to think they’re the best thing…

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      Style Trial: 60s-style platform shoes

      This summer, as you can’t fail to have noticed, 60s style has been making a comeback. This is great news for lovers of that particular era – or just its style – because it means the stores have been full of mod-style shift dresses, graphic prints, and other items which evoke the spirit of the swinging 60s, but in a contemporary way which won’t leave you feeling like you’re in costume. The stores are also, however, starting to fill up with a range of 60s-inspired platform shoes, like these ones: All shoes: Red or Dead On the plus side, these styles are very different from many of the other shoes that are currently in fashion. Footwear trends tend to move…

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      Frankenshoes: Four pairs of platform wedges under arrest

      OK, that’s it, we’ve had enough: we’re officially declaring gigantic platform shoes to be an automatic crime of fashion. While there are a few – and ONLY a few – examples of humongous platforms which we DON’T hate, they’re few and far between, and the majority of shoes in this style simply serve to make their wearers look like they’ve been the victim of a “hilarious” prank in which their feet were stuck in cement and left there. Or in which their normal shoes were replaced with horses hooves in the night. We think this trend has reigned for long enough, so we’ve rounded up these four examples of it, so that you’ll know what you’re looking for when you’re out on…

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      High Street Hero: Zara colourblock ankle strap sandals

      Zara ankle strap sandals, £49.99 You may well recognise these sandals. Their predecessors were a huge hit last year, and we’re fairly sure there was a point last summer when it was illegal to call yourself a fashion blogger unless you owned a pair of the green/blue or coral/tan sandals. Well, it looks like Zara has taken note of the success of the style: not only have they brought it back (in a slightly re-vamped form) for this summer, they’ve also managed to keep the stock levels high, which is something of a miracle for the Spanish chain, which has a tendency to sell out of items fast. This year’s version of the shoe has the same high ankle as…

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      Frankenshoes: ugly shoes arrested by The Fashion Police

      Frankenshoes are what happens when good shoes and bad fashion collide. These aren’t just ugly shoes: they’re footwear monsters, which will haunt your nightmares, and possibly spoil your dinner. OK, not really: they’re just ugly shoes. Here are a few pairs that have tripped our fashion crime radar lately… Lavin Frankenshoes Look, far be it for us to suggest that all footwear should be practical. Far from it, in fact. As far as we’re concerned, a 4″ heel is “low”, and platform wedges are what you wear if you want to give your feet a rest. So we GET the idea of shoes that are pretty-but-impractical. Where do you draw the line with “impractical shoes”, though? Well, how about when…

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      Irregular Choice Thumper: crimes against bunnies

      These Irregular Choice Thumper shoes will be available to buy in the UK in just a few short weeks. Do you want to walk on a rabbit, though, or do you think these bunnies should be set free? Let’s take a look at the evidence… Irregular Choice Thumper heels – available this March OK, Irregular Choice, we get it: you’re “quirky”. And also a little kerrrazy. Your the choice that is “irregular”, for people who love to be different, and ain’t nothing wrong with that. There’s a difference, though, between “quirky” and “looking like you’re stepping on an ickle pink bunny wabbit, OMG, who would do such a thing!” We know which of those WE think these Irregular Choice Thumper…

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      NICE ASS: DUKAS 130MM GLITTER DOLL HEEL PUMPS

        From the front, they look perfectly normal, albeit in a glitter ball kinda way. From the side, meanwhile… … well, OK. From the side they’re starting to look a LITTLE bit strange. We thought those were cows legs holding them up, for instance. We’re actually not sure if that would be better or worse now. From the back, however: Yup, that would be a tiny little butt, attached to a tiny pair of legs. Almost as if a tiny little stripper is holding up your shoe. Because that’s not strange AT ALL, is it? Well, IS it? Would you buy these shoes, or would you rather stick to ACTUAL heels, thanks very much? [Buy them]    

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      The Ugliest Shoes of 2012

      Greetings, Fashion Police officers! We hope you’re all enjoying a super-stylish holiday season. We’re interrupting the festivities today, however, to continue our look back at the ghosts of fashion crimes past, namely the ugliest shoes of 2012. This year, as we’ve mentioned before, has not been a good one for footwear. The flatforms of 2011 did NOT continue the reign of terror they’d been planning, thankfully, but instead we found ourselves dealing with something even worse: the hoof shoe. Yes, feet like hooves were all the rage this year, and whether you wanted furry fetlocks or just giant, clompy hooves, you wouldn’t have had any difficulty finding them. Here are just a few of the horrors we locked up this…

      high-heeled Ugg boots

      Frankenshoes: Ugg boots meet ankle boots

      An Ugg-style boot, stuffed inside a platform ankle boot. Now we really HAVE seen it all, huh? We’re going to guess the main excuse for these will be “But they’re SO! COSY!” Yeah, yeah. They may well be “cosy”, but we actually think we’d prefer ACTUAL Ugg boots – and that’s saying something. They may ALSO be ugly, but at least they’re not pretending to be anything other than what they are, you know? Still, if you were wondering what a high-heeled Ugg would look like, at least you now have your answer. Er, no one was actually wondering about that, were they? [Buy them]  

      Jeffrey Campbell Kick It boots

      Frankenshoes: Jeffrey Campbell ‘Kick It’ platform boots

      Well, we didn’t think it was possible, but we have to hand it to Jeffrey Campbell: he’s somehow managed to create a shoe we dislike even more than we disliked the ubiquitous Litas. In fact, speaking of the Litas… these ‘Kick It’ boots are basically what the Litas would look like if they suddenly grew udders, aren’t they? Do those look like udders on the sole to anyone else? They do now, don’t they? [Buy them]

      hoof shoes

      Frankenshoes: Hoof shoes take over

      We’ve mentioned this before, but it’s a REALLY bad time to be a shoe right now. REALLY bad. Unless, of course, you’re a shoe that secretly wants to be a horse. In that case, your luck is definitely in, because “Hoof shoes” are all the rage right now. Horses must be stoked to find themselves suddenly “bang on trend” as they stomp around with their fetlocks flying! These hooves are by Arfango, and unlike the last pair of Frankenshoes we arrested, at least the hair/fur isn’t really. And you know, in a certain light, they don’t really look THAT much like hooves at all, do they? No, from above, for instance, they look much more like a pair of Bigfoot…

      Jeffrey Campbell 'Zoom' invisible wedge boots

      Style Trial: Jeffrey Campbell ‘Zoom’ invisible wedge boots

      We’ve got to hand it to Jeffrey Campbell: these are definitely clever. They’re not QUITE as clever as we initially thought they were, when our monitor resolution was turned too high, and we spent far too long staring at the image and trying to work out if there actually WAS a wedge in there, or if JC had discovered how to defy gravity (There is a perspex wedge: it’s just difficult to see it, which is, of course, the whole point..) but still: clever. And interesting. And that’s why we’re putting them up on Style Trial, rather than simply sending them straight to jail, without passing ‘Go’, as we do with so many of Campbell’s creations. The decision is yours,…

      Charlotte Olympia Dolly feathered pumps

      Style Trial: Charlotte Olympia Dolly Rainbow-Feathered Pump

      We love parrots, and we love shoes. But what about shoes that look like parrots? Well, first of all we can tell you that no ACTUAL parrots died to make these shoes. The uppers are goose feather (er, we can’t really speak for the geese, unfortunately…) dyed in a rainbow of different colours to create this very bright, very, er, different kind of look. We think it would be impossible to wear them without looking like you had your feet inside a couple of dead birds (Sorry for the graphic image, but it’s true…), but then again, we still think of bras as underwear, not outerwear, so we’re very out of touch with these things. What do you think, jurors:…

      faux fur wedges

      Frankenshoes: Underground x Fleamadonna Faux-Fur Wedges

      It’s hard to imagine people looking at the image above and thinking to themselves, “You know, I would totally wear those on my feet!” isn’t it? And yet, some people do, because that’s what they’re for: Still, at least the fur is fake. And they can’t possibly look that bad on, can they? Ah. That answers that question, then… [Buy them]

      hoof shoes

      Style Trial: Camilla Skovgaard hoof-shaped court shoes

      One of the most common criticisms we hear about platform shoes is that they can look a bit like hooves, their wearers clip-clopping along like pretty little ponies. In the case of these Camilla Skovgaard pumps, however, the effect is a deliberate one, and the model looks more like she got her shiny new shoes from the blacksmith, rather than from My Wardrobe, which is where these are currently available to buy. We suspect we already know the answer to this question, but we’ll ask it anyway: do you consider these arrest-worthy, or should we set them free? In other words, are they innocent or guilty of committing crimes of fashion?

      ugly boots

      Are these the ugliest boots of the year?

      We could very well be mistaken. But if there’s an uglier pair of boots out there right now, we don’t want to know about it. Actually, scratch that: we DO want to know about it. Because we’re The Fashion Police: it’s our job to know about these things. How else can we protect the stylish world from these attacks on their taste? So, what do you think: are these the ugliest boots of the year, or have you seen something that can top them? If you can, tell us about it! And if you can’t, well, at least you know that these are safely in Fashion Police custody, so you can sleep safe tonight… [Buy them]

      Giuseppe Zanotti Mixed Media Curved-Wedge Platform Ankle Boots

      Style Trial: Giuseppe Zanotti Mixed Media Curved-Wedge Platform Ankle Boots

      These exist. Should they exist, though: that is the question we’re here today to ponder. They’re by Giuseppe Zanotti, they’re a whopping £2,070, but despite costing more than a beat-up car, they’re not exactly the most versatile pieces of footwear in the world, consisting of the heel-less silhouette we’ve become oh-so-familiar with over the past few years, topped with expensive-looking Swarovski crystals and finished with cheap looking pink plastic spikes. They’re something of a contradiction then, which leaves us wondering who would wear such a thing? At the moment, all we can come up with is a teenage punk bride with a trust fund. Your guesses are welcome. Oh, as are your judgements on whether or not these constitute a crime of fashion… [Buy them]

      crochet platform boots

      Crime of Fashion: Crochet platform boots

      When we were forced to interview a pair of Christian Louboutin boots last week, on suspicion of committing crimes of fashion, we knew things must be pretty bad in the footwear world. We didn’t realise quite HOW bad things were, however, until we came across these crochet platform boots. The product description alone would’ve been enough to tip us off that something was seriously amiss here, but one glance at the suspect confirmed it: these are $600 boots, people, but they look like something the dog chewed. And which wouldn’t even have been particularly attractive before that happened. Also: crochet boots. Anyone care to explain the actual point of that? Anyone? [Buy them]

      Nicholas Kirkwood Two Faces Pointed Toe Boots

      Style Trial: Nicholas Kirkwood Two Faces Pointed Toe Boots

      The Fashion Police have long believed that clothes and shoes shouldn’t have faces. We also firmly believe they shouldn’t have HAIR. Still, we have to admit that the ponytails on these Nicholas Kirkwood boots make us feel a bit nostalgic. It would be a bit like having an adult My Little Pony, wouldn’t it? You could braid it! And tie ribbons in it! And… OK, maybe not. What do you think, Fashion Police jurors? Are these a crime of fashion, or are you already trying to decide what you’re going to name them? [Buy them]

      Irregular Choice's Dan Sullivan collection

      Strange Fruit: Irregular Choice’s Dan Sullivan collection

      There are shoes hiding under the fruit and flowers in these photos, we promise: would you want to wear them, though, that’s the question? These are just a small sampling of some of the styles available from Irregular Choice’s Dan Sullivan collection. As many of you will know, Mr Sullivan is the founder and creative force behind Irregular Choice, so the fact that this collection is a little bit “out there” (to put it mildly) is no less than we’d expect from the brand which has brought us some of the strangest footwear ever to grace The Fashion Police’s jail cells. Don’t worry, though: not ALL of the shoes are covered in flora n’ fruit. There’s also this: The Visionary…

      lace covered cowboy boots

      Strange Shoes: Upcycled cowboy boots

      You know how, when you buy new shoes, they often come wrapped in tissue paper, to protect them from damage inside the box? You all know you’re supposed to remove that tissue paper before you wear them, right? OK. Just checking. These boots are wrapped in fabric, not paper, but they still create the same kind of impression for us. We’re also wondering just how practical it’ll be to have that white fabric trailing around next to the muddy ground. Is it just us who’d have that ruined within seconds? Do other people have pristine streets to walk on? Aren’t cowboy boots supposed to look a little bit roughed-up? These wouldn’t work for us, but that, of course, doesn’t mean…

      Robert Clergerie Karco Tassle Heeled Ankle Boots

      Footwear Impostors: Robert Clergerie Karco Tassle Heeled Ankle Boots

      Did you know The Fashion Police celebrated its sixth birthday last month? Six years, and after all this time, designers are STILL attaching shoes to socks and acting like that’s a totally reasonable thing to do. As if people buy a pair of shoes, and then always wear them with exactly the same socks for the rest of their lives, never once wanting to try something different: something REALLY adventurous, like, say, a DIFFERENT PAIR OF SOCKS. We’re fighting a losing battle, Officers. The Impostors are taking over. They are winning. Only you can stop them, Fashion Force. Rise up against the Footwear Impostors. Refuse to allow your socks to be attached to your shoes. Wear DIFFERENT socks from time…