Shoes

      Irregular Choise dinosaur heels

      If you love dinosaurs, you’ll love these shoes

      We know a little girl who’d probably love these shoes – or the heels of them, at least.  She’s two, though. There is that. And that, in a nutshell, sums up exactly why we’ve never really got the appeal of the vast majority of Irregular Choice shoes. Sure, there’s the odd pair that looks like they may have been designed for adults, but when you find yourself admiring the same shoes as a toddler, you start wondering if perhaps time to re-assess. What makes a grown adult decide she wants to have two plastic dinosaurs attached to her feet? We don’t know, but we’re going to assume that any explanation would include liberal use of the words “fun”, “quirky”, “whimsical”…

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      New shoes don’t necessarily cure the blues

      They say new shoes cure the blues. What if the shoes in question look like THIS, though? We don’t know about you, but our blues have not been cured by these. Our officers found them on Louisa Via Roma, as examples of how (not) to style the equally interesting dress and shorts shown above. Despite searching through all of the shoes on the site, we couldn’t find these for sale: we’d imagine they’re probably by the same brand as the items they’ve been shown with (Au Jour Le Jour), but we can’t be sure, and didn’t feel inclined to take our enquiries any further, having been distracted by these: So. That whole “shoes you can sweep your floor with” trend…

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      Shoes to keep your feet dry

      Moschino terrycloth mules, £325 First of all, yes, these are by Moschino: how did you guess? (Er, apart from by the name on the label, obviously…) Secondly: no, your eyes do not deceive you – they really are made of terrycloth. As in, the same fabric as your towels, or your bathrobe. On the plus side, at least they’ll keep your feet nice and dry (except they won’t, because the towelling fabric is on the outside of the shoe, not the inside. If it was on the inside, they might have managed to escape Fashion Police arrest, but alas, no.) On the minus side, however… er, where do we start? We guess it basically boils down to the fact that these…

      feathered mary janes

      Feathered Fashion Fails

      This week, our officers identified a troubling new mini-trend: the feathered shoe: [feathered mules] My Theresa describes these as “the epitome of sheer elegance”. We, meanwhile, would describe them more like, “the epitome of roadkill, lying there all sad and bedraggled on the ground.” What’s that you say? They’re NOT actually “bedraggled”? Well, not NOW they’re not, but imagine what they’d look like after you’d taken even a very short walk in them? Even if you only ever wear them indoors, you’re going to end up with clean floors (Which we guess would be kind of cool, actually: you get to clean your house without actually feeling like you’re cleaning your house…), but very dirty shoes. Wear them on a…

      Rick Owens clog sandals

      Crime of Fashion? Rick Owens clog sandals

      Rick Owens is no stranger to the inside of a Fashion Police cell: in fact, we’ve investigated his designs so often we consider him to be something of a master criminal. Today, we’re taking a close look at the evidence above: one “90mm clog leather wedge sandal”, according to Louisa Via Roma. We’re glad they cleared that up for us: if we hadn’t read the product description, we’d probably have assumed this was some kind of medieval device designed to allow the wearer to plough fields, simply by walking over them. These will set you back no less than £1,517, and just in case you’re looking at  them thinking, “I love them! But what on earth will I wear with…

      white stilettos with lurex socks

      Socks and stilettos, from Jeffrey Campbell

      [Buy them here] Remember when white stilettos used to be considered a crime of fashion? Wait, scratch that: you’re all probably too young to remember those days, aren’t you? There was a time, however, when white stilettos were a key part of the whole “Essex girl” stereotype, and were just about as tacky as it was possible for a pair of shoes to get. Those days are long gone, of course, but sometimes once your brain has made a particular association, it can be hard to shake it, so, for us, it’s hard to see white stilettos without also thinking of orange fake tan, long acrylic fingernails (ideally with some kind of diamanté accessories stuck to them), and spidery false…

      big shoes

      Hey, Bigfoot

      All items: ASOS Shoes just aren’t fun any more. It’s disappointing, really. Over the course of the last year or two, we’ve watched with growing horror as the world of footwear took a turn for the ugly. We’ve traced the progress back to Jeffrey Campbell’s ubiquitous ‘Lita’ platforms. Rumour has it that at one point you weren’t actually allowed to start a fashion blog unless you were able to provide proof that you owned at least one pair of Litas, and were prepared to wear them in every single outfit photo. From there, it was just a short (albeit clumpy) step to the Birkenstocks and the other orthopaedic styles – many of which are now being worn with socks, as if that…

      Prada fake leg boots

      Prada’s ‘fake leg’ boots are now available at Yoox.com

      Remember Prada’s infamous ‘Look! It’s a prosthetic leg!” boots? We arrested the Mary Jane version back in 2011, but it would appear these possibly weren’t the instant sellout the brand were hoping for, and you can still find the odd pair (and we mean that literally: they’re very “odd”, aren’t they?) floating around the internet. Our officers apprehended this suede version at Yoox.com, where they’re currently selling for an ambitious £506 – although if you don’t wear UK size 4.5 or 5.5 you could be destined for disappointment. (Or a lucky escape, depending on how you look at it.) Designed to create the appearance of a bare leg with a black, ankle-strap pump on the foot, these are Footwear Impostors…

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      Has Marc Jacobs taken the trainers trend too far?

      Sportwear – or “sportswear luxe”, as the fashion press have been terming it – has been big this season: and it’ll continue to be big long into NEXT season, too. Even those who normally wear heels for the thing most people wear sneakers for, have taken to wearing sneakers for the things most people wear heels for… er, if that makes sense? For many of you, of course, this has been a really welcome development in fashion. At a time when dress codes have all but died out (Once again, we cite the continuing trend for pyjamas/onesies in public and the large number of Google searches this site receives for the term “Is it OK to wear jeans to a wedding?”…

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      Spotted! Footwear Impostors make a comeback

      A few years ago, many of The Fashion Police’s arrests revolved around what we termed ‘Footwear Impostors”: boots pretending to be shoes; shoes pretending to be socks – that kind of thing. Footwear Impostors have almost died out in recent years: in fact, we started to think our mission had been successful, and we’d managed to round ’em all up, leaving shoe stores filled with shoes and boots that were exactly what they looked like. THAT’S the sort of footwear you can trust, isn’t it? Now, however, it is with heavy hearts we must report a new sighting of a Footwear Impostor: It could be worse. They could have attached the lurex socks to a pair of Birkenstocks. Actually, we’re…

      furry-flats

      Furry ballet flats are a thing now

      These may look like a cosy pair of furry slippers, but it saddens us to report that they’re actually a pair of furry outdoor shoes: and $740 ones, at that. Now, we’ve written fairly extensively on the scourge of furry boots that seem to be dominating the autumn/winter collections, but these ones are particularly perplexing, and not JUST because they’d presumably make your feet look like they belonged on a hairy mammoth.  No, we’re talking here about practicality. As with the furry boots we’ve featured, we can’t see how pale fur would be at all practical during the wintery weather these presumably designed for, but at least the boots have the defense of being warm. These shoes, however, raise the…

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      Frankenshoes | Strange Shoes Ride Again

      We know we’ve been bringing you a lot pf shoe-related arrests lately, but as we mentioned in our last crime report, shoes have become the master criminals of the fashion world. The ringleaders, if you will. Never has there been a time in which ugly footwear was quite so prevalent: footwear like THIS: Thom.Solo x Solestruck Dahlia’ boots, $299.95 We’d imagine some of you will like these, and think they’re pretty. Because those are flowers on the platform, after all, and flowers are pretty, yes? Well, yes, but here’s the problem: those are FLOWERS on the platform. When we first looked at them, we assumed the wearer of the boots had stepped in something nasty, and not bothered to wipe…

      charlotte-olympia

      More strange shoes: crimewave continues

      We usually leave most of the shoe talk to ShoeperWoman, but right now there are just too many ugly shoes out there for her to handle, so we’re stepping in to make a few arrests. As ShoeperWoman observed earlier this week, footwear fashion is going through something of an awkward stage at the moment. There are Birkenstocks. There are those clumpy white sandals with the giant platform soles. There are… these: Charlotte Olympia ‘Hands On’ sandals, £755 Shoes. Made out of… hands. Not REAL hands, obviously. That would creepy. And this… isn’t? Selfridges tactfully say these will “have everyone looking twice.” Well, that’s certainly ONE way to put it. Charlotte Olympia isn’t the only one trying to make hands on…

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      Strange Shoes |Footwear Fails on Trial

      While browsing Louisa Via Roma this week, our undercover officers discovered the following footwear offences – or possible offences, depending on your opinion: DSquared2 mink and suede pumps, £810 You’re probably never going to convince us that real fur on footwear is a good idea, but even if you could, these would have to be the least practical shoes we’ve ever seen. Seriously, that’s a white fur heel: can you even IMAGINE what it’s going to look like once you’ve walked down the street in it – or do people who buy £810 not actually walk down streets? Are they perhaps chauffeured to their appointments, and then carried from car to doorway on a litter? Because that’s the only situation…

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      Buffalo shoes and the unholy alliance of food and feet

      All styles available at Schuh We don’t know about you, but we just can’t think about food without also thinking about feet, can you? Oh no, wait: yes we can. In fact, feet are pretty much the LAST thing we want to think about in connection with food. Come to think of it, feet are one of the last things we want to think about AT ALL, because let’s face it: feet are pretty gross, aren’t they? (Quick aside to all the foot fetishes who comment on our Instagram and email asking for foot photos: you don’t have to answer that one…) Shoe brand Buffalo want you to make a connection between food and feet, folks. So much so, in…

      Biopiracy-boot-by-Iris-van-Herpen-X-United-Nude

      Iris Van Herpen X United Nude Biopiracy Boots: the strangest shoes ever?

      Iris Van Herpen X United Nude Biopiracy Boots, £1,245 Neither United Nude or Iris Van Herpen are known for producing “ordinary” designs, so it should come as no surprise that these boots are the result of a collaboration between the two. Oh yeah: these are boots, by the way. Sorry, was that not clear from the photos? It’s MOST clear from the final shot, in which you can see what appears to be the back of a shoe, embedded in what appears to be part of Darth Vader. (Which would give us an excellent idea for a Halloween costume, actually, if it weren’t for the small fact that these cost £1,245 per pair.) That aside, though, these are definitely one…

      message-in-a-bottle

      Charlotte Olympia has a message (in a bottle) for you…

      Charlotte Olympia sandals, $1916 The main thing we’ve come to expect from Charlotte Olympia over the years is that… you never really know what to expect. The Queen of Quirk, as we’ve dubbed designer Charlotte Dellal, is famous for her eccentric approach to shoes (We say that in the nicest possible ways), but these platform sandal are unusual even for her. With a “glass” bottle for a heel (We’re assuming that’s reinforced plastic rather than real glass; we shudder to think of the damage we’d manage to do with ACTUAL glass shoes!), these turn the “message in a bottle” into a wearable piece of art, complete with sand, shells and a cork stopper. Interesting and unusual though they are, the…

      unicorn-shoes

      Style Trial | Irregular Choice ‘Eternal Friend’ unicorn high heels

      Last season, Irregular Choice wanted us all to stomp on gnomes. This year, it seems unicorns are in the firing line: Irregular Choice ‘Eternal Friend’ unicorn high heels, £115 Seriously, what is it with this brand and the abuse of mythical creatures?* Surely our “eternal friends” won’t be eternal for much longer if we keep on stomping on them? From this, you’ll probably gather (correctly, as it happens), that we’re not big fans of the whole “living being as heel of shoe” thing. With that said, though – and we’re bracing ourselves for the backlash here – we’re not huge fans of Irregular Choice in general. Sure, they have their moments of genius: there are some styles we’ve really liked,…

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      Style Trial | White cleated sole shoes

      Flicking through the photos of attendees at London Fashion Week (Which, honestly, is much more interesting than the actual runway photos a lot of the time…) we were instantly struck by the fact that everyone (or, OK, ALMOST everyone…) seemed to be wearing the same shoes. These shoes, to be exact: Choies cleated sole shoes, $119.99 or sometimes these: River Island white cleated sole shoes, £60 Or any one of many variations on this style, which is white, chunky, and with that distinctive, cleated sole, which at least looks like it’ll have a lot of grip on it. And that’s really the most positive thing we can think to say about it. Now, make no mistake: these shoes are not…

      topshop-sandals

      Trend Trial | Sensible Sandals as a Fashion Statement

      This summer, sandals are getting sensible. And by “sensible”, we’re talking Birkenstock-esque levels of comfort, all worn with the kind of outfits we’re more used to seeing with much more dressy shoes: Images: Zara, Topshop, Primark   Now, before we go any further here, we just want to make it crystal clear that we’re not talking about people who wear these shoes because they have foot problems, or because they need to walk miles in the midday sun, and just want to be comfortable while they’re doing it. Nuh-uh. That’s not why the brands showcased above have styled their clothes with chunky, almost orthopaedic looking footwear. They’re not doing it because they want the models to be comfortable: they’re doing…

      ugly-shoes

      The Ugliest Shoes of 2013

      Happy new year, Fashion Force! We trust you all had an awesome and stylish start to the year, and are ready to get on with the important business of fighting all of the fashion crimes we’re sure to encounter in 2014. Before we get on to that, though, we still have to finish our 2013 Crime Retrospective, and today we’re looking at the wonderful – and sometimes not-so-wonderful- world of shoes. Now, we generally try to leave all things footwear-related to our sister site, ShoeperWoman, but we did step in to make a few footwear-related arrests last year, and you’ll find them rounded up in the gallery below. Are these the ugliest shoes of 2013? Take a look and find…

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      Ugg boots were the most searched-for “fashion” item on Black Friday

      Ugg boots have long been considered a crime of fashion here at TFP HQ, but there are plenty of people out there who disagree with us, as evidenced by the fact that the stumpy sheepskin boots were the most searched-for women’s “fashion” item on black Friday, according to Google. We’re using the word “fashion” in inverted commas here because we refuse to take Ugg boots seriously as “fashion” items. Sure, we can see how they’d come in handy on a cold (but dry: soggy Ugg boots made it on to our own list of winter fashion crimes just last month, remember) winter day: they’d keep your feet warm while you were out walking the dog, say, or doing some other…

      barbie-head-shoes

      Fashion Crime Friday | Frankenshoe edition

      It’s been a while since we delved into the world of Frankenshoes (or “ugly shoes”, as you may know them), so we thought it was high time we sent some officers out to inspect the shoes of the world. The first suspect they came back with was this one: Stella McCartney shoes, £480 Now, these are pretty ugly, and we’re willing to bet they’ll look even worse on a foot (Bigfoot springs to mind. Big, white, chunky foot), but they kind of pale into insignificance next to these: Jeffrey Campbell ‘The Icy Shoes’, $265 It wouldn’t be a Frankenshoe roundup without something from Jeffrey Campbell, would it? This time, the master of Frankesnhoes has excelled himself, beheading a dreamhome full…

      bear-pumps

      Style Trial | Charlotte Olympia ‘Bear Necessities’ shoes

        Charlotte Olympia ‘Bear Necessities’ pumps, £565 Charlotte Olympia has never been a brand we’ve ever associated with the word “ordinary”. We described designer Charlotte Dellal as “the Queen of Quirk” in yesterday’s post, and just like any reigning monarch, she has her trusted supporters, and her sworn enemies. Which one of those groups you find yourself a member of will probably determine how you’re likely to vote in this edition of Style Trial. If you love Olympia, and Della’s particular brand of off-the-wall style, you might just love the idea of a pair of shoes with a teddy bear’s head glued to the toes. Sorry, make that TWO teddies. Well, it would be weird if there was just one,…

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      Scary Slippers: when footwear goes bad

      Berhard Willhelm cotton and leather slippers, $325 We don’t normally waste our officer’s time on fashion crimes of the “indoor clothes” kind, because as people are always telling us, why should we care what people wear in the comfort of their own homes? And why indeed: we may not fully understand why some people relax at home by stuffing their feet inside a pair of stuffed teddy bears, say, or any of the many other “comedic” slippers people seem to love so much, but we’re not going to arrest them for it either. (Unless they start wearing them in public, obviously, as has happened with our arch nemesis, the adult onesie. When that happens, all bets are off.) We do…

      shoes to wear with skinny jeans

      Style SOS: Which shoes to wear with skinny jeans?

      The post ‘What shoes to wear with skinny jeans‘ has been moved to our sister site, ShoeperWoman.com – please click here to read it! All shoes: Shopbop No one likes the “cankles” effect, and wearing shoes designed to chop the leg in half at the ankle are a really easy way to create cankles where they don’t exist. This becomes even more of an issue with jeans which hug the ankles anyway, which is why so many people have trouble working out which shoes will look good with skinny jeans, and which ones will create the dreaded “golf club” effect. ShoeperWoman helps solve that dilemma with some skinny jeans styling suggestions. If you’re looking for some posts to read here…

      selection of PVC shoes

      Trend Trial: PVC Shoes

      For many people, PVC shoes are an automatic crime of fashion, no questions asked. Do not pass ‘Go’, do not collect $200, just proceed directly to The Fashion Police jail, and take your stripper heels with you, thanks all the same. In fact, not to put too fine a point on it, but for many people, the words “PVC” and “shoes” in the same sentence will instantly conjure up images of something like this: ABS by Allen Schwartz wedge sandals, £89 / Christian Louboutin high heel sandals, £960 / Valentino leather shoes, £575 / Alexander Wang clear shoes, £630 / Christian Louboutin high-heel shoes, £510 / Christian Louboutin leather shoes, £400 Which we think most of you will agree, is most definitely a crime of fashion….

      selection of barely there sandals

      Trend Trial: Barely There Sandals

      Barely-there sandals have been one of the biggest shoe trends of the summer so far, and although this style isn’t actually a new one (Jennifer Aniston has always loved them, for instance, and so did Carrie Bradshaw…), it’s certainly seeing an increase in popularity at the moment, and you know what that means, don’t you? Yup, it’s time for a Trend Trial… Trend Trial: Barely There Sandals So, what exactly ARE barely there sandals? Well, the clue is is in the question there – as if there wasn’t enough of a clue in the image. These are exactly what they sound like: shoes designed to be almost invisible on the feet – they’re there, but they’re barely there. Capiche? Most…

      selection of pastel shoes

      Style SOS: How to wear pastel shoes

      From our ASK.fm question box: Pastels, as we’re sure we don’t need to tell you, are as ubiquitous in Spring/Summer as florals are, and pastel shoes have been a trend for the past couple of years, with mint, lemon and baby blue footwear particularly in evidence. While pastel shoes LOOK cute, summery and easy to wear, however, they can actually be rather tricky to style. Those soft pastel shades may look pretty on the screen, but once you put them on your feet those light colours can look much brighter than you might have expected to. They’re colours that draw the eye right to them, which means they can make your feet look larger than they really are, while overwhelming…