Shirts & Tops

Crop Tops: they’re back. Will you be wearing one?

If ever there were two words almost guaranteed to strike fear into the hearts of women around the land, “crop” and “top” would be those words. Let’s face it, the crop top just isn’t an item anyone can wear, is it? We’d argue that you don’t have to be skinny to wear skinny jeans, and you don’t even have to have the figure of supermodel to wear some of the “bodycon” dresses around at the moment, but you really DO need a belly you’re not ashamed to show in all its glory if you want to work the crop top. (We’d also argue that you need a love of 80’s fashion that goes well beyond the odd pair of leggings,…

Henry Holland puts naked cartoons of himself and Agyness Deyn on t-shirts, sells them for £70

  Well, would you look at that! Henry Holland (who totally looks like Beavis, apparently: funny how we never noticed that before!) has put a naked version of himself on a t-shirt, so that people can wear naked HH on their chests! Naked HH with a giant flower coming out of his… yeah. And Agyness! Agyness Deyn! What short legs she has! And what manly shoulders! Want to wear her boobs on your boobs?  House of Holland makes it all possible! Isn't it amazing what £70 buys you these days? (You can also get Tom Ford and Luella. And yes, don't worry, they're naked too…)

Wanted! ASOS heart top (lets you dress like Victoria Beckham. Sort of.)

Remember Victoria Beckham's heart-embellished Marc Jacobs dress? It was pretty, but maybe just a little bit OTT for anyone who isn't also known as Posh Spice, which is why we think this top from ASOS is a much more wearable – not to mention affordable – version. This is £34.50, and has a one-shoulder design, with pretty little hearts holding it up, a gently draped front and a nipped in waist. It's also long-enough to let you wear it with skinny jeans or leggings without flashing too much belly/crotch. We like.

Things We Didn’t Know We Needed (and still don’t): Organza bib from Topshop

In our world, bibs are for two groups of people: 1. Babies 2. Runners. Or maybe other people who're out on the road at night and need something fluorescent to make sure they can be seen. Which is why we were surprised to find that Topshop apparently think there is a third group of people who need to be wearing bibs: 3. Us. (Or maybe you: we don't think Topshop have been aiming their wares at The Fashion Police for some time now…) Luckily the bib in question is organza rather than fluorescent or baby pink/blue, but even so, we're puzzled: why would we need it? Sure, the frill on the front is pretty, but surely that could've been attached…

Maison Martin Margiela’s “sleeve top” makes an easy DIY project

  If you're a Martin Margiela fan, this top will probably delight you, because at just £88, it's definitely one of the cheaper ways to own one of his pieces. If even that sounds like a little too much for you, though, don't worry, because The Fashion Police have put together these helpful guidelines to allow you to make a "sleeve top" of your very own. You are welcome. 1. Find an old sweater that you no longer wear. 2. Cut off the sleeves. 3. Sew them together. 4. Er, that's it… And there you go! We may be in the middle of a recession, but you can still look like you're wearing designer clothes. Isn't fashion wonderful?

The Emperor’s New Top, by Haider Ackermann

  We interrupt this broadcast to bring you news of a terrible attack on this Haider Ackermann top. As you can see, the top was barely recognisable as a top after being shredded by a mystery attacker or attackers. What's perhaps even more worrying, however, is the fact that some people will apparently pay £154 / $219.73 for items like this: if you're one of them, you can buy it at Yoox.com.

Topshop’s lace bra vest top continues the “underwear as outerwear” trend

  Remember Dorothy Perkin's bustier t-shirt, and how we weren't really "down" with that? Well, looks like Topshop have managed to go one better with their "vest that makes you look like you're actually just wearing a bra", above. The fact that this garment will be more-or less flesh-coloured on some of us simply compounds the crime here, but just in case that wasn't enough, the lace section on the "bra" is actually see-through, so your own naked flesh will be visible. Oh, and the back features an actual bra-style fastening, to make sure the "LOOK! I AM OUT IN PUBLIC IN MY BRA!" message gets through loud and clear. Do you want to look like you're naked but for…

Style Stealer: D&G’s nautical dress/top, as seen on Alexandra Burke

  X-Factor winner Alexandra Burke is wearing it as a dress here, but D&G originally showed this piece on the catwalk worn with shorts, so if you’re looking for a super-cheap way to steal the style, Matalan’s £10 t-shirt could be an easy way to do it. Yes, there are obvious differences in the garments (not least the fact that one’s a dress and one’s a t-shirt!), but there are obvious similarities too, so if you’re into the nautical look that rears its head every summer, this might just appeal to you! The t-shirt isn’t currently available on the Matalan website, so if you like it, look out for in store.

Daylight Robbery: £1,394 Balmain tank top

This is a grey tank top. As you can see, it has a bit of a pattern on the front, but nothing terribly exciting, and it’s made from linen, not, say, the hair of angels. It is £1,394. Which is just under $2000, if that makes more sense to you. What must it be like to have that much money, we wonder? So much money that even your tank tops cost $2000? Or, to put it another way, what must it be like to go through life believing that just because a plain (and actually, slightly boring) old linen tank top is worth spending $2,000 on, just because it has a “Balmain” label on the inside? We have no idea,…

Sack the Stylist: See-through tops at Next

  In defence of the items you see before you, we have to point out that they are not, in themselves, crimes of fashion. It’s just BY themselves that they become crimes of fashion – i.e. when there’s nothing underneath them but a fairly matronly looking bra. These tops presumably aren’t meant to be worn like that, though (are they?) which begs the question: why on earth would Next allow them to be photographed like that? The top on the left looks like the kind of wardrobe malfunction you’d have if you didn’t realise quite how see-through your top was when you put it on, and then stepped into a brightly-lit room. The one on the right looks… well, the same,…

Style on Trial: Tassel top from River Island

  Ah, tassels, our old nemesis! It’s no secret around Fashion Police HQ that if an item can be described as “tasseled”, we’re probably not going to love it – or even like it – and that has definitely proven to be the case with this top from River Island, which looks to us like it has someone’s hair stuck to it. A bit like the sartorial equivalent of Samara from The Ring, come to think of it, and now that we have thought of it, we just can’t get the image out of our mind. That top is coming to get us for sure, and we’re thinking the safest place for it would be The Fashion Police jail. But…

KTZ Two-Sleeve Shirt Has Four Sleeves

When we first noticed that this shirt was being described as “two-sleeve”, we were all, “as opposed to what? Three sleeves?” But then we counted, and as you can see, it actually has FOUR sleeves. D’oh! Silly us! The idea here, it would seem, is that you can wear the shirt with either long or short sleeves, as required. Now, on the face of it, this almost sounds like a good idea. When you’re permanently freezing, like our Chief of Police, say, you might just welcome the opportunity to be able to turn your short-sleeved shirt into a long-sleeved shirt without actually having to get changed, after all. Of course, the rub here is that when you DO decide to…

Completely Pointless Items of Clothing: The Air Vent Top

Maybe we’ve been slightly premature in referring to this top as “completely pointless” in the title, here. After all, if you had more than one head, you’d probably find it very practical indeed, on account of all of those extra head holes. Or if, say, you lived in a very warm climate, but had need of an item of clothing that kept your arms covered while simultaneously exposing your belly button, beast bone, shoulders and elbows. Or if you fond yourself in a position where you had to provide inflatable rubber rings to very small people. Or…. actually, that’s it. We’re totally out of ideas for this one, so we’re going to conclude that we were right the first time,…

Style on Trial: Leopard print top by Sara Berman

Now, we know some of you are going to be seriously questioning our sanity with this one, and trust us, we’re just as surprised as you are to find ourselves lusting after this Sara Berman top. We are, after all, always banging on about how we’ll wear animal print on shoes and accessories and nothing else, but we just can’t help but want to make an exception for this, with it’s Peter Pan collar, puff sleeves and bow. It has a fab, retro feel to it, and we think it could look fabulous worn with a pencil skirt or pair of skinny jeans. The quiff this model is wearing is just the perfect finishing touch, too. We have a feeling…

Wanted! Nautical style ‘Ahoy Vest’ by Miss Braches

Still loving the nautical look? We are, and we’ll probably go on loving it, regardless of whether it’s in or out of fashion. Currently sitting at the top of our nautical wish list is this ‘Ahoy Vest’ by Etsy seller Miss Braches. These are made to order, and are reversible, with one side navy, and the other side red, as shown above. We love the puffed sleeves and fitted waist, which will help to create that hourglass look, and think this would be the perfect way to dress up a pair of jeans, especially during the spring and summer months. If you think so too, you can buy it here.

Martin Margiela makes clothes for Batgirl

Batgirl, is that you? Oh no, our mistake, it’s just another Martin Margiela creation, and given the designer’s apparent fixation with the Caped Crusader at the moment, so we probably shouldn’t be too surprised by this "t-shirt" , which will make you look exactly like a giant white box from the back. Which is every girl’s dream, really, isn’t it? This is £274 from Yoox.com and we think it would be particularly interesting to see it worn underneath the Margiela "box" leather jacket we featured back in August. Go on, we dare you…

Tacky Tanks: the ‘Wish You Were Here’ tank

Every time we feature an item of clothing like this tank top from Karmaloop, we get a bunch of comments telling us to "lighten up" and calling us "virgins". The prevailing idea, then, seems to be that unless you like very vulgar and tacky clothing, you have no sense of humour, and should book your place in the retirement home ASAP. Or it could just mean that you prefer not to walk around with a giant red arrow pointing to your private parts. You decide.

Low cut tops: how low will you go?

Earlier this week we asked you about short skirts, and how short you would deem to be "too short". (We got some interesting answers too – feel free to wade in if you haven’t already). Today, then, we’d like to ask you a similar question about low-cut tops. Just how low would you go, we wonder? The Fashion Police, you see, would suggest that the top half of the dress shown above? Is Too Low. Because it looks like there’s a danger of the model’s boobs making a bid for escape at any second, and even if that’s not the case, and tit tape has been employed, that still qualifies it as "too low" in our book. The fact that…

Save or Splurge: Green tie-waist tops

This edition of ‘Save or Splurge’ is a little bit different from normal because neither of the two items above is designer, and so neither price is of the “make you faint in horror” variety. The Monsoon top on the right, however, is more than twice the price of the Dorothy Perkins version on the left, and while there are obvious differences between them (the Monsoon top is silk while the Dotty P’s one is satin, for instance) we’d still like to know which one you’d buy, if, indeed, you’d buy one at all. Would you save or splurge?