Shirts & Tops

Holey clothes! LnA Ripped V Tee

On the plus side, this only costs £24.11, which isn’t TOO extortionate. (Although it WAS £40. Yes.) On the minus side, however: £24?! For something that looks like THIS? And people are willingly going out and spending money on a brand-new-but-looks-old pre-ripped t-shirt? So they can look, like, really cool and edgy and be all, “Oh, hai, I totally just pulled this out of the dumpster this morning! No, of course I didn’t go and buy a brand, spanking new t-shirt that looks like I’ve had it for ever? Do I look stupid?” Umm, well, you DID ask… Would you pay for a t-shirt that looks like this, readers? Your answers to this are important: we have a bunch of…

Worrying Fashion Trends: the lace body suit

At first we were confused by this item (which, by the way, comes with long sleeves, too. You know, to keep you warm?), wondering what on earth could be its purpose. And then we realised: it’s to allow you to show off your black bra, whilst still claiming to be wearing “clothes”. Genius! And also: classy! We had hoped this was an isolated incident, but our policing of the retail world this week suggests that we are, in fact, dealing with an outbreak of the lace bodysuits, probably as part of the larger “must show your underwear at all times” movement. If you want to be part of it, this is £11.99 at Ark Clothing, and apparently best worn with…

Citizen’s Arrest: Clothes-That-Are-Stuck-Together at Asda

This Citizen’s Arrest was made by our own Rock Hyrax, who spotted this classic case of Clothes-That-Are-Stuck-Together in Asda last week. As Rock says, we don’t tend to expect high fashion from Asda, but that’s no excuse for them to go around thinking its OK to take innocent clothes and stick them together. It’s NOT OK, Asda. We’re perfectly capable of putting blouses and knitwear together ourselves, should we choose to do so.

How to wear a denim bodysuit, by Miss Selfridge

It’s funny how your eyes start to adjust to crimes of fashion, isn’t it? A few months ago, something like this denim bodysuit from Miss Selfridge would’ve had us almost falling off our seats in horror, but now that we seem to be living in an 80’s fashion hell more or less all the time, when we first laid eyes upon it our first thought wasn’t “Quick! Call out the troops!” but simply, “Now, how on earth would they expect people to wear THAT, then?” Luckily, though, we didn’t have to wonder for long, because Miss Selfridge have helpfully answered that question for us. You’d wear a studded denim body suit with….

Save or Splurge: Striped cotton t-shirts

The Fashion Police love striped tops. We know some people would argue that stripes are for convicts, not for police officers, but we beg to differ, and we think these long-sleeved t-shirts are a handy kind of wardrobe basic to have around. The thing is, though, as much as we like our long-sleeved t-shirts, we just can’t imagine paying £226 for one. Not even if we were rich. And especially not when you can get more or less the same thing for £10. OK, the Dorothy Perkins shirt on the right of this picture isn’t exactly the same as the Proenza Schouler one on the left, but it’s just one example of this style – there are a lot of stripes…

Clothes-That-Are-Stuck-Together: Forever21 Layered Pleated Woven Shirt

“Matching couldn’t be easier!” say Forever 21 of this garment. And yeah, we guess we can’t really argue with them there, because the shrug is attached to the shirt, so there’s really no matching to be done. And thank God, too, because matching white shirts with black shirts was SO HARD until this came along to save us all, wasn’t it? In fact, we’re not sure we’d have thought of doing this: black cardigan over white shirt, you say? Oooh, tricky! Rather you than us, Forever 21, rather you than us! Forever21 layered shirt, $22.80

Fashion Boobs: How not to wear Foley + Corinna’s see-through chiffon top

Apparently there was no way for Shopbop to illustrate the see-through nature of this Foley + Corinna top, other than making the model wear it with totally bare breasts underneath, and then Photoshopping out her nipples. No bras, no cami tops, no undergarments of any kind that would’ve allowed us to see that the top was sheer without making the poor girl look like a particularly scary Barbie. Because nipples are NOT ACCEPTABLE, but naked Barbie boobs are totally fine, apparently. Modelling: it’s not nearly as glamorous as it looks, you know. (Also: since they’ve yet to invent Photoshop for real life, we’d advise anyone contemplating buying this top NOT to try this look in public. Please.)

The Fish Net Mesh Hoodie: air-con included

Sweaty armpits getting you down? Don’t worry, with the Fish Net Mesh Hoody, you’ll have a constant source or air-conditioning, right where you need it most! We actually can’t decide whether this falls into the “ugly but practical” category (good for workouts, perhaps?) or just the “completely useless” one. Your thoughts on this most important of matters would be appreciated. Fish Net Mesh Hoody, $112, Karmaloop

Anna Sui for Target gets all tied up

Fashion Crime Report Submitted by: Andrea Alleged Perp: Anna Sui for Target tie top Scene of Crime: Target, of course Accused of: Getting just a little bit carried away with the ties, and ending up looking some weird kind of knitted bondage top. The tie around the neck is just the, er, perfect finishing touch, no?

John Galliano shows us how to make do and mend with his multi-pattern shirt

Oh, what the hell: we’ve already seared your eyeballs once today with that bright orange dress, so we may as well show you this John Galliano shirt too. Hopefully your sight will be back to normal by tomorrow. On the plus side, here, isn’t it reassuring, in the wake of all of the appalling cases of Daylight Robbery we’ve had to contend with lately, to at last find a designer who’s at LEAST trying to be resourceful in the face of the recession? John Galliano clearly scoured the floor of his workroom for the scraps he used in this shirt, and this wartime “make do and mend” attitude is an example to us all in these difficult times. It’s just…

Nipple tassle t-shirt. For children. Seriously.

We’ve shown you some pretty tasteless items of clothing in the years we’ve been fighting crimes of fashion. We think this”nipple tassle” t-shirt from Twisted Twee, though, has to be one of the most tasteless of all. Because this is designed for KIDS. Ages 0 – 4 years, to be exact. Can you imagine dressing your little newborn baby or cute toddler in nipple tassles? No, us either. The fact that there are apparently people out there who’d do that… well, that seems like more than just a crime of fashion, no?

Lingerie t-shirt from Forever 21: underwear as outerwear

Forever 21 say they added the lace bra to this t-shirt to give it an “avant garde” look. And, you know what? We’re getting pretty tired of seeing designers and brands try to sell us any old rubbish by trying to tell us it’s “edgy” or “unconventional”. Look, it’s a t-shirt with a bra fastened over the top. You know, like one of the t-shirts and one of the bras you probably already own? So while you COULD give Forever 21 $28 for this “avant garde” look of theirs, you could ALSO just do-it-yourself and save your money. Or – and we understand this may not seem “edgy” enough for some of you, but bear with us – you COULD…

Give yourself a hug with the SSWTR Folded Arms Shirt

“Oi! Four-arms!” Oh dear. You can just hear the taunts now, can’t you? We’re going to try and be positive about this, and imagine that, rather than simply making you look like you have an extra set of arms, this shirt will allow you to walk around feeling like you’re getting a great big hug from, er, a very short, invisible man who’s standing directly behind you. Are we convincing anyone with this? If so, you can buy your four-armed shirt here, for $100. Alternatively, you can buy the regular two-armed version just about anywhere, and for a whole lot less. It’s up to you.

Unsolved Mysteries: Sass & Bide Oversized Tank Dress With Corset

Can you spot the deliberate mistake here, readers? The clue is in the title, and, more specifically, in the word "oversized". Because, doesn't it seem obvious that if you were going to wear clothes with underwear printed on the front of them – and we're not entirely sure you should be – the last thing you'd want those clothes to be would be oversized? You can call us crazy, of course (note: please don't), but we were under the impression that corsets were meant to make you look smaller. This Sass & Bide top, however, depicts a corset that appears to be bursting at the seams with the strain of holding in the flesh it contains. Why would you want…

Save or Splurge: Stripe short-sleeved shirts by Vivienne Westwood and Next

These "shirts" are similar only in terms of the colour (and even that isn't identical), but as we looked at the Next shirt, we thought it had a bit of a "Vivienne Westwood" feel about it, and then when we tracked down an ACTUAL red and white stripe shirt by Vivienne Westwood… we actually liked the Next version better. And the world stood still, the sun started to revolve around it, and pigs took to the sky on wings of gold. THAT'S how surprised we were to discover that we liked something by NEXT better than something by The Good Dame Viv. What about you, though, readers? Assuming you were in the market for a red and white stripey shirt,…

Daylight Robbery: Yves Saint Laurent’s $1,107 fine ribbed body suit

Look, Yves Saint Laurent, we're sure it's a really nice body suit and all. As body suits go, we mean. Obviously we're still not really on board with the whole "Body Suits Are Back!" thing that's going on in fashion at the moment – in fact, we're still struggling to get our heads around the 80s invasion, to be honest, and that's been going on for YEARS now .Sometimes when we go shopping, we think it actually IS the 80s. But we digress. Like we said, it's not that we doubt you've got a really good bodysuit there, and we're sure that if bodysuits were our thing, we'd consider yours to be THE BEST, a veritable King Amongst Bodysuits, if…

Style on Trial: A.Y.Not Dead Hand Print Tee

Ah, the old "hands on my boobs" gag! That never fails to amuse, does it? Well, does it? Some of you will find this t-shirt quirky and humorous, while others will no doubt find it just a little on the tacky side. Which side are YOU on? Would you walk around with a pair of hands covering your assets, even if they're just a design on cloth? If so, this is £42 at ASOS.com.

Budget Buy: Polka Dot Sweetheart Top from Forever 21

A nice little pick-me-up as we head into the weekend, for those of us who don't want to spend too much money to look fabulous! This little polka dot top from Forever 21 has a real retro look about it which naturally appeals to The Fashion Police, given our love of all things retro, but which is a little bit cheaper than most reproduction clothing. This would look great with a pair of capri pants or a pencil skirt, but will look equally good with jeans, shorts or anything else. And it's only $15.80. Bargain! [Buy It]