Shirts & Tops

ASOS slash vest: Clothes Ripper strikes again

This poor, unsuspecting model turned her back for five minutes and look what has happened.  The Clothes Ripper has struck and slashed the entire back of her top to ribbons. We hope the idea of this top is that you wear something underneath it (unlike the way ASOS have styled it here).  If not then think of the tan lines!  Think of the bra exposure!   It’s the kind of thing to which your gran would say “what’s happened to your top, dear?  It’s all falling apart at the back”. If you like this top and wish to save it from the clutches of the Clothes Ripper before any further damage can be done, it has been reduced to £12 in…

Daylight Robbery? Bess tea-stained cotton t-shirt

Sometimes the clue is in the name. This is a tea-stained cotton t-shirt. It looks, well, like a cotton t-shirt that got stained when someone spilled tea on it. Like, A LOT of tea. You tell us – is it worth £200? Because The Fashion Police know a place you can get 100 very stainy tea bags for 99p, should you wish to recreate the effect on a cotton t-shirt of your very own… Bess tea-stained cotton t-shirt, £200 from Net-a-Porter. (Oh, and if you DO think it’s too much, Topshop’s ‘Nibbled Tee’ is a tad cheaper at £16, and is also tea-stained:

Suspect Round Up: Floral print romper and tops from AKA New York

We decided to line up some of the floral print suspects in AKA New York’s Spring 2010 line to see which items you think are crimes of fashion and which are wanted for your spring wardrobe. It seems like in keeping floral prints modern, everything old is new again. With loose silhouettes and casual styling these AKA New York Floral print pieces have a real 70s vibe even though the color palette and the proportion of the prints keeps them grounded in 2010.  While most of the items are best thrown in a beach bag or worn to a backyard bash, the boat-neck top might make it into the office with some tailored neutrals. What do you think? Should we…

Style on Trial: Miu Miu’s crystal accented top

Earlier this week we put Miu Miu’s cat print silk top on trial, not least for crimes against erect nipples. We’re sure, however that many of you are not, in fact, cat people (or bird people for that matter) and were therefore disappointed by the blouse’s theme. Fear not! Miu Miu have created another, animal-free number to answer your prayers! Yes, you can now draw attention to your boobs without having to sport tiny felines. In fact, you can impersonate an ice dancer, what with the nude cotton bodice creating the impression that you are actually naked but for some ill-advised crystal accents which wouldn’t even cover your modesty. Well, that and those cotton puff sleeves… What do you think…

Style on trial: Miu Miu’s cat print silk top

You know those days when you wake up and think to yourself, “You know, I really love cats. I think I want to share my love for cats with the world – perhaps by wearing a shirt printed with little cats all over.” But then you think, “Oh, but if I wear a cat print shirt no-one will know about my love for swallows. Maybe I should wear a shirt with cats printed on the trunk but swallows printed on the collar…” And then you realise how cold it is out and think “You know, if I’m not careful no-one will know how cold I am. Wouldn’t it be great if I had a top that not only advertised my…

Style On Trial: Malloni’s shirt with “boob window”

Awesome! A shirt with a window in it to let the girls peek out! What could be better than that? Before you’re tempted to answer, “Er, a shirt WITHOUT a window?”, hear us out: this Malloni creation is actually much less offensive than some of the clothes with windows we’ve shown you recently, not least because it’s so clearly designed to be worn over the top of something. It could also make an interesting way to show off a pretty top but still keep your arms covered, if you so desired. On the other hand, it does look a bit like an item of clothing that’s had something bad happen to it: something perhaps  involving a sharp pair of scissors, or…

Unsolved Mysteries: Topshop’s mesh hoodie

For those looking for all the style of a hoodie, but none of the actual function of one (i.e. warmth), Topshop’s mesh version is a bargain at £30. We guess there are probably situations where people would find this a suitable item of clothing (are there?), though, so actually, the real question here is whether a sheer hoodie should be referred to as a “shoodie”. We think we’ll probably do that anyway. Readers, meet the SHOODIE. Would you wear it?

Would you buy… pre-wrinkled clothes?

We know from previous posts here that  a lot of our readers hate ironing. So do we, to be honest, although we do it in preference to walking around in wrinkled clothes. What if the clothes were ALREADY wrinkled, though? As in, that’s how they’re supposed to look, and if you tried to iron them, you’d be completely defeating the purpose, stupid! These Miss Selfridge tank tops fall into that category: they’re £14 each, and come with that “pre-worn and washed” look, so they’ll look like they’ve been lying in a crumpled heap at the bottom of the wardrobe no matter what you do. They remind us of those “crinkle” shirts people used to wear in the 80s, and they actually…

Not a Wardrobe Malfunction, Just Looks Like One

Deliberate Wardrobe Malfunction: White shirt by Comme des Garcons

Oh dear… we’ve all done it, haven’t we? You try to get dressed in a hurry (or in the dark, perhaps), and then you look down, only to discover that you buttoned up your shirt all wrong. Yup, been there, done that, will probably do it again. Of course, most of us don’t actually do it deliberately,  which is why we look at this Comme des Garcons shirt and just think “Damn, that looks uncomfortable!” rather than “Wow, what an edgy and creative item!” What do YOU think? O

Cheap Monday’s Duct Tape Top: no need for Nippits!

On the plus side, you’d never have to worry about wearing tit tape with this top, because, well, it comes already attached. On the minus side, however…. actually, it’s basically just ALL a minus side, isn’t it? And OK, we guess you could always wear something underneath it, to make it a little more modest, but as that would defeat the whole purpose of the “Hey, look, I’m wearing nothing but duct tape over my nipples!” nature of this top, we’re not sure it’s what Cheap Monday intended. Like it? It’s $50 at Karmaloop.

Style on Trial: Cardigan-print t-shirt by Paul Smith

The Stuck-Together-Clothes movement has been gaining popularity over the past few years, but why go to the trouble of actually sticking clothes together when you can simply make it LOOK like you’ve stuck two items together? That’s what’s happened in the case of this Paul Smith top. It may look like a cardigan worn over a stripe t-shirt, but it’s merely a trick of the eye. You’ve liked similar trompe l’oeil prints before, but what do you think of this one? Clever, or just plain confusing? You decide! (Oh, and if you just want to buy it, it’s £131 here.)

Mesh front sweater from Topshop: a window on your breasts!

Oh look, it’s a window for your boobs! Never again will they be forced to hide themselves away behind pesky fabric, and miss out on what’s happening in the world, for they will both see and be seen from behind the mesh panel of this Topshop sweater! Awesome! OK, let’s be sensible for a minute: obviously this sweater isn’t actually supposed to be worn with nothing underneath (or, we would hope, with just your regular underwear underneath, either), so what do you think of it? Is it actually quite an interesting idea, allowing you to combine the practicality of a sweater with something a little more exciting underneath? Is it the ideal solution to those days when it’s too cold…

Stuck-Together-Clothes Crimes: 2 In 1 Shirt & Waistcoat

Oh, for goodness sake! We know it’s a nice gesture for clothes to stick together, through thick and thin, but this is starting to get ridiculous. It’s not THAT hard to put a shirt and a waistcoat together, after all, is it? Surely most people could be trusted to come up with this idea for themselves, without requiring New Look to stick the two items together for them? Surely? Or, then again, maybe not…

Style on Trial: Asymmetric striped cotton shirt by Vivienne Westwood

Quite a few of you have commented recently about how much you HATE “the one-shouldered thing”. We would take it as read that you’ll ALSO hate this one-shouldered shirt from Vivienne Westwood’s Red Label , but just to be sure, let’s put it up on trial: after all, it’s a shirt, not a dress, and who knows, maybe you’ll find it refreshingly quirky, rather than just plain odd. Need to see what it looks like on before you can make up your mind? Voila! So, what’s the verdict? Guilty or innocent?

Shoulder pads: dangerous as well as ugly

Camilla and Marc’s Grand Prince t-shirt: now that’s what we call shoulder pads

There’s good news and there’s bad news, readers. The good news: Wearing shoulder pads inside your clothes is, like, SO last season, seriously. The bad news: This season you’ll be expected to wear them outside your clothes instead. If they can be covered in studs too, well, so much the better. Convinced? This is £77.52 and available now for pre-order at My Catwalk.

Clothes That Are Attached to Accessories: the natural extension of stuck-together clothes

For almost as long as The Fashion Police has existed, we’ve been fighting the good fight against Stuck Together Clothes, and wondering just why it is that fashion designers seem to believe we’re too stupid to know which sweater goes with which shirt ourselves, and need them to make that decision for us – and then to stitch the two items together, just to make sure we don’t get it wrong. Now, however, it seems the Stuck Together Clothes movement is expanding to include accessories. That purple top you see above you? The necklace is attached to it. Because there’s just NO WAY we peons could’ve chosen a necklace to wear with that top ourselves, is there? No, we need Ella…