Shirts & Tops

Shoulder pads go wild

Is it a sweater, or is it a giant Mickey Mouse head? We just don’t know. What we DO know is that the brand is called Moonspoon Saloon and the top is called ‘Backstage Elephant”, so we give them credit for creative naming at least. We’re still arresting the shoulders, though… (Click here to buy it)

Sauce pineapple tank top

Hey, Pineapple boobs!

Do you really want to walk around with pineapples instead of boobs?  And saggy pineapple boobs at that?  Really?  Apparently the pineapples are glittery too.  We don’t think that helps matters. If you disagree, and think that fruit is the next big thing in chest-wear, this is by Sauce, and you can buy it for $62 at Shopbop.

Daylight Robbery? Balmain cotton t-shirt with safety pins

Folks, do us a favour: read the title of this post again. Then explain to us why this cotton t-shirt is worth $1,500. WITHOUT using any variation on the phrase “Because IT’S OMGDESIGNER!” We’ll wait here while you come up with something. (Want it? Click here to buy it.)

Moschino have a message for you…

The Fashion Police approve this message. The Fashion Police also LOL’d long and hard at the irony of THIS message being delivered through the medium of a $376 dollar tank top from a designer clothing label. If you just want to buy it, however, go ahead and click here. We promise not to judge you by your clothes.* (*OK, maybe just a little bit.)

Barbour quilted shirt jacket

Fashion Police for the Boys: Barbour quilted shirt jacket

This article of clothing is confused.  It doesn’t know whether it’s a shirt or a jacket.  Neither do we, come to that.  The quilting would suggest it’s a jacket, but the slim cut makes it a shirt.  Oh, now our heads hurt.  Whilst we go and lie down for a while, tell us what you think of this.  Is it a shirt or a jacket?  Gentlemen readers: would you wear it?  Ladies: would you want your fella to wear it? If you want to buy it, it’s £90 at ASOS.

Starstyling holograph leggings

Daylight Robbery? Starstyling holograph leggings

Is everyone else seeing a pair of fishnet tights with a few sequins stuck to them?  Good, so are we.  Topshop however, see £145 of leggings.  That’s right folks, £145!  And they’re calling them “leggings”.  Now repeat after us: leggings are not pants.  Fishnet anything are not leggings. But wait!  It gets worse!

Spot the Difference, with Maison Martin Margiela

It may look like your little brother’s crappy home-made Halloween costume, but do not be fooled, readers: the item on the left of the image (you know, the one that just burned out your retinas?) is, in fact, a $316 shirt by Maison Martin Margiela. OK, House of Margiela, YOU WIN. You are too powerful for us. There is no stopping you in your dastardly plot to take over the world with your increasingly bizarre fashion. Instead, we bow down before you. Let us all dress as vegetables from this moment on!* Click here to buy it. (The shirt, that is, not the lettuce. Although, come to think of it, the lettuce will be cheaper, and will look much the…

Topshop Premium chain detail sweater

Holey Clothes: Topshop Premium chain detail sweater

If you like your clothes with holes (well someone must, the stores keep on producing them after all!) then how do you feel about them having chains around the holes?  It’s a new twist on the style, but it doesn’t do anything to detract from the fact that your new sweater is full of (quite large in this case) holes, and is not going to keep you very warm.  Which is rather the point of wearing a sweater, isn’t it? If you like this sweatshirt style top, and you don’t mind the draught from the holes (there’s only size S/M left so someone must be buying them), it is now reduced to £20 (from £42) in the Topshop sale.

Fashion Crime? Michael Van Der Ham silk top with partial cape

“Silk top with partial cape.” As soon as we read the second part of that sentence, we knew we were dealing with a potential fashion infringer. Seriously, if it had been a FULL cape, that would’ve been one thing. Maybe not a great thing, admittedly, but at least it would’ve been a whole top, with a whole cape. This, on the other hand… well, at first glance we didn’t have a clue which part of the body this was supposed to adorn, and that’s always a bad sign, isn’t it? As we’ve always said, if we can’t even work out what it is, we’re probably going to arrest it, just to be on the safe side. The model shot helps…

Lanvin silk halterneck top

Bag Lady Chic: Bag top by Lanvin

You could be forgiven for thinking that this is a drawstring bag.  We thought it was a bag when we first saw it.  But we promise you that this is, in fact, a halterneck top.  Pretending to be a drawstring bag.  (No, it’s not really, it’s just doing a jolly good impression of a drawstring bag.)  If you visit the Matches website you will see it being worn.  And on a mannequin?  It still looks like a drawstring bag if we’re honest. What do you think though?  Can you forgive the bag imposter tendencies because of that lovely bright yellow, which we actually quite like?  Or does it just look like a bag to you too?  If you want to…

Style on Trial: Viktor & Rolf off-shoulder shirt dress

Behold, the humble shirt dress! It’s always been one of the fashion world’s more casual accouterments, but this one by Viktor & Rolf really takes “casual” to the limits, because rather than going for the “Oh, hey, I just rolled out of bed and threw on my boyfriend’s shirt, aren’t I adorable?” look, it’s proceeded straight to, “I borrowed it from a lopsided giant, it doesn’t fit me AT ALL, and I feel a bit like the madwoman in the attic in it, but I’m just going to wear it anyway, because I am seriously THAT COOL.” Or something like that, anyway. (Don’t you just love the model’s expression in the photo on the far right? She’s all, “WHUT? Yoos never…

The “effect” effect: Karen Millen’s denim effect t-shirt

That’s right boys and girls, this is not just a denim jacket over a t-shirt – oh no. It is a bona fide cotton t-shirt with “denim effect”! It’s true, we tell you: this is simply a plain white t-shirt with a denim jacket printed on it! You’d never believe it, eh?! What exactly is with the “effect” effect? Why make something denim effect when it would be so much easier, not to mention more profitable, to just sell a plain white t-shirt independently to a cropped, short-sleeved denim jacket? I mean, here in Britain, at least, we could use the layers… Denim effect t-shirt: £65 from Karen Millen.

The Caped Crusader: Alexander Wang re-invents the shirt. Again.

Ever since she was a little girl, she’d dreamt of being a superhero. Now, with the help of her trusty Alexander Wang shirt, she got to feel like one every single day: And every time the wind blew, why, she felt like she could fly! It totally justified the $325 she paid for it. (Er, we kinda want one of these too, now. Doesn’t everyone secretly want to be a caped crusader?) Click here to buy it.

River Island lets ride top

Illiteracy at River Island: Lets ride low slung skull vest

Our computer just underlined part of that title in green, and rightly so.  It never ceases to amaze us how tops such as this can get through the design process without anyone noticing that it is missing an apostrophe.  River Island, you may well “love this” but you can’t spell, can you? You can probably tell that we don’t “love this” but do you?  If you must buy this (and you want look like you can’t spell either), then it is £19.99 here.  (Better buy yourself a fabric pen too, so you can correct the error.)

Evil Twin mesh tunic

Holey Clothes: Evil Twin mesh tunic

For some reason the trend for clothes with holes in continues apace.  When the item is question is made out of mesh though, it just looks as though the top has lost a fight with the washing machine and is now falling apart.  The poor model doesn’t look very happy either, does she? “You want me to model this for sale?” she’s saying.  “But I thought that was the damaged stock rail.” What do you think though?  Do you like the ready made holes or do you prefer your mesh garments to only have the holes that mesh is supposed to have?  If you like it and want to buy it, it is $118 at Shopbop.