Shirts & Tops

Viktor & Rolf shirt

What big shoulders you have, fashion criminals…

This shirt will cost you £450. That’s the bad news. The good news is that if giant beetles ever rise up and take over the planet, you’ll be able to throw in this shirt, and try to pass yourself off as a human/beetle hybrid. In this way you’ll be able to live among our insect overlords in relative peace. Until one day they recognise you as the impostor you are, and eat you, obviously. Actually, that might have been the bad news? The idea of people paying THAT MUCH for THIS has clearly disturbed us, and we need to go and lie down. Still, we hear that big shoulders are going to be, like, SO HOT this season. That has…

comme des garcons top

Crime of Fashion? Comme des Garcons cloud-shaped top

We know what you’re thinking. It’s kinda cool on the mannequin, it’s creative, it’s different, it’s “edgy”… maybe it looks better on a person? Well, let’s see, shall we? Yeah. Well, rather you than us, we guess. Especially considering that this top costs $794, and looks like something a cartoon character would turn his nose up at. Edgy, though. Definitely edgy… [Buy it]

Nasty Gal Totally Exposed Blouse

The Emperor’s New Shirt

Nasty Gal describe this item as a “totally exposed blouse“. Which isn’t strictly accurate, really: it’s not the BLOUSE that’s “totally exposed”, after all: it’s whatever lies under the blouse – bra, leather bustier, nothing… Let’s be honest, though: when you looked at this photo, you didn’t actually notice the blouse at first, did you? You were probably distracted by the aforementioned leather bustier, or the “classy” suspenders dangling from the cutoffs. So, the question is: if a blouse falls onto a model, but no one can actually see it, is it a crime of fashion? We’re going to go with “yes”. If you’re going with “no”, you can either pay $48 for this one, or, alternatively, just don’t bother wearing…

Maison Martin Margiela sleeveless t-shirt

Straight-jacket style, with Maison Martin Margiela

“Sleeveless t-shirt” is how Yoox.com describes these garments. They’re wrong, though. They’re not REALLY sleeveless. Oh no, these have sleeves all right. It’s just… they’re attached to the sides on the shirts. So, if you decided to wear one of these, your choice would be to either: a) Walk around with your arms plastered to your sides, straight-jacket style. or b) Free your arms, but have to walk around with those sleeves flapping against them all the time. Getting dressed has never been so tricky, has it? Leave it to Maison Martin Margiela to take the basic t-shirt and make it “edgy”. And leave it to MMM, too, to take something that should be comfortable and easy, and turn it into the…

fur t-shirt

Furry Fashion from Omer Asim

Now THAT is what you call a hairy chest, readers. And also a hairy back. We’re impressed. Before we rush out and spend £552 on this, though, we wonder: what on earth would we wear with our brand new fur t-shirt? We could wear it like this, obviously: That could work. It’s just, you know, it’s not quite edgy enough, is it? So we think we’d probably wear it with this: NOW we have an outfit. And we’ll get bonus fashionista points for the presence of the sheer panel on the skirt, too! Note that the peep toe boot rule is in full effect here: not, of course, that we’d have needed to consult it in this particular case… [Product Page]

sporty fashion

Sporty Style: Running vests now the height of fashion

She’s never going to win the 500 metres in those shoes, is she? We know sportswear is probably going to be big this summer – or bigger than usual, anyway – thanks to the Olympics, but would you pay £45 for a sheer green sports vest? And if you did, would you wear it with short-shorts and heels? Click here to buy it if you answered in the affirmative…

ugly fashion

Let it all hang out

And to think we were worried about people wearing leggings as pants. This is a Fashion Police emergency, everyone. Please do not try to approach these items of clothing: we have reason to believe they could be dangerous… [Bernhard Willhelm top and shorts: click here to buy them at Far Fetch.]

Graeme Armour sheer t-shirt

This sheer shirt is not at all impractical

The pocket makes this totally practical, doesn’t it? Without it, we’d have had to arrest this Graeme Armour t-shirt for being the type of “Emperor’s New Clothes” item that fashion victims will pay $230 for, just because “IT’S DESIGNER!”. But the pocket changes everything. Now all we can ask ourselves is who WOULDN’T pay $230 for this? Seriously, WHO? [Product Page]

Reverse Mullet Shirt by Maison Martin Margiela

Introducing The Reverse Mullet Shirt

We’re sure there’s a reason why this shirt exists. We’re sure there must be occasions for which the most appropriate of all clothing options is a shirt which is almost ankle-length at the front (and on a 5’9″ model, which means it would be pretty much floor-length on The Fashion Police), and almost non-existent at the back. We’re also sure there must be a reason why it’s $295. We’re just not sure what any of those reasons are yet. Do YOU know? This is by MM6 Maison Martin Margiela. Click here to buy it at Shopbop.

Aqua shoulder pad body suit

Style Trial: Aqua ‘Plato’ Shoulder Padded Bodysuit

This model is totally pretending to be a superhero, isn’t she? And let’s be honest: YOU’D pretend to be a superhero too, if you had a padded (body)suit like this, wouldn’t you? It would be hard to resist. You could be Fashion Criminal Girl. Or FashionistaWoman, maybe, depending on your point of view. What IS your point of view, though? Is this bodysuit almost comically absurd, or is it the cutting edge of fashion, and totally wearable with the right outfit/attitude? Cast your votes now: Guilty or Innocent?

The most expensive t-shirt in the world

This is the most expensive t-shirt in the world

It’s $400,000. FOUR. HUNDRED. THOUSAND. DOLLARS. Here is why it costs so much: The spherical pattern is illustriously decorated with 16 certified hand-set diamonds. Each diamond commands exquisite color, clarity, cut and luster. Every diamond is an example of natural beauty as nothing is more rare, precious, beautiful or indestructible as a diamond! The design is encrusted with 8 white diamonds each over 1ct and 8 ‘enhanced’ rare black diamonds also over 1ct each. And where would one buy the most expensive t-shirt in the world, we totally don’t hear you ask? Why, at themostexpensivetshirtintheworld.com. OBVIOUSLY. [Source]  

White t-shirt with fur patches

Monthly Margiela: The Hair Shirt

If you’re a regular reader, you’ll know that not a month goes by without us having to take the folks at Maison Martin Margiela to task for some hideous Crime of Fashion or other. Margiela himself doesn’t design for the brand any more, but his influence lives on, and we view him as a kind of Evil Overlord of the fashion world: kind of like the Joker, only with weirder outfits. Anyway, so great is MMM’c occupancy of our cells that we decided to give the brand a monthly slot here. And what do they have in store for us this month, we hear you ask? Oh, just this: OH GOD. It’s no use, we were trying to be blasé about it,…

Tops with attached bag by Comme des Garcons

The Bag Lady Look, from Comme des Garcons

For as long as we’ve been arresting Stuck Together Clothes, we’ve also been wondering what depths the designers of such items will be willing to sink too. So far, we’ve seen socks attached to shoes, shirts attached to jeans, underpants attached to sweatpants… there is no item of clothing, it would seem, which cannot be attached to something else. What’s the strangest example of Stuck Together Clothing, though? Well, we thing this t-shirt with attached bag – yes, BAG – has to be somewhere near the top of the list. This is actually a three-way attachment, and possibly a four-way one. There’s a cardigan attached to the t-shirt, which is attached to the bag, which may or may not be attached…

Model in pyjama top

Pyjamas in Public: now the height of fashion!

Good news for those of you who like to wear your pyjamas in public, but are tired of being kicked out of supermarkets or told you’re not not respectably dressed: this Rag & Bone blouse gives you all the, er, style, of a PJ top, but costs $325, and is sold as daywear. So next time the security guard tries to escort you out of the supermarket, you can just toss your hair, stick your nose in the air, and utter the fashion victim‘s battle cry: “But it’s DESIGNER!” Not even Shopbop are trying to pretend this looks like anything other than a pyjama top: it’s described on the website as a “PJ blouse”, which is a fair description, given…