Shirts & Tops

So, you thought the corset t-shirt was bad, did you?

Remember the Dorothy Perkins “bustier” t-shirt? The one you all really, really hated? Well, it gets worse. Fashion Force, meet the “bra t-shirt” – providing you with the perfect opportunity to look like you’re wandering around in your underwear. Which is a classy thing to do, to be sure. It’s based on exactly the same principles as the corset version, but somehow we think this one is an even greater crime, which is why we decided to show it to you anyway. If you don’t agree, and think this would be the perfect outfit for… something… you can pick one up for just £12 at Dorothy Perkins.

Style on Trial: bustier t-shirt from Dorothy Perkins

As far as we’re concerned, this white bustier t-shirt from Dorothy Perkins is the t-shirt equivalent of one of those "hilarious" novelty aprons which has a picture of a headless, bikini-clad babe on the front, the idea being that when you slip it in, you look like you’re the bikini-clad babe. Except not really, obviously. This shirt follows the same principles, screaming out, "Look! I’m a t-shirt but I look like a corset! Fooled ya!" It’s the ideal way to wear lingerie in public (or to look like you’re wearing lingerie in public: the thing about this type of garment is that it doesn’t actually look like you’re wearing the item pictured, so you basically just end up wearing a…

Think of the tan lines!

Yes, folks, it’s a string vest. Three of ’em. Or "fishnet vests" as they’re now apparently known. And if you don’t want to end up with a fishnet stomach to match, we’d suggest wearing them only indoors. In a dark room. With no mirrors. Or, of course, you could just not wear them at all: that way you’ll avoid those nasty tan lines and you’ll avoid being detained by The Fashion Police…

You paid HOW much?! Christian Dior’s printed top with corsage

There are some things the Fashion Police are willing to spend lots of money on, and some things we just aren’t. Handbags, shoes and coats fall into the first category. Tops, no matter how beautiful, tend to fall into the second, which is why, when we found this Christian Dior corsage top over at Browns fashion, our initial instinct too coo over anything with an oversized flower on top was quelled by the £1,200 price tag. Yes, it’s very pretty (although without that flower, we suspect we may just have passed over it), but you just know that something this distinctive is going to be worn once, or twice if it’s lucky, which means that sadly it has to be…

Tacky T-Shirts – the boob job

Now, we know this t-shirt is described on eBay as suitable for a Hen Night (that’s a bachelorette party, if you’re outside the UK and scratching your head right now), and Hen Nights sadly aren’t exactly known for classiness of attire, but seriously – would you ever want to go out in public with a set of hand prints on your boobs? EVER? We say, "Not even if we’d just drunk the bar dry." What do you say?

The pinstripe shirt gets a makeover

For a long time now, pinstripe shirts have been the preserve of merchant bankers and young men with trust funds, which means that they don’t tend to crop up on the Fashion Police radar too often. There’s nothing stuffy about this one, though, which creates a slim silhouette in sexy stretch cotton, and adds interest with the trapezium cuffs and asymmetric buttons. It’s by Unique Boutique and is £65- and not a merchant banker in sight.

Wanted! Pussy bow shirt from ASOS

Ah, the humble white shirt! Subject of recent debate here at The Fashion Police, and the so-called "wardrobe staple" that turned out to be not-such-a-staple after all, according to our readers. We admitted to not being fans of white shirts, and to not actually owning any of them, but we didn’t say we’d never change our minds, and if we were to splash some cash on something of the "shirt" nature, we think this pussy bow shirt from ASOS could be the very shirt to tempt us back to the fold. Of course, we’d hate having to iron it, but we would enjoy feeling like 1960s secretaries, with pussy bows and pencil skirts. Maybe we shouldn’t have admitted that? If…

No love for logos

We guess this top must be, like, really, really stylish. Seriously, it must be – it has ‘Baby Phat’ written all over it, providing a handy visual clue to the style-challenged that this top is DESIGNER (if Baby Phat can be called that), and therefore seriously cool. No question. As the Fashion Police haters never tire of telling us, if something is DESIGNER then it is automatically fabulous, and while Baby Phat isn’t quite up there with Chanel, they clearly do consider themselves important enough to have splashed their logo all over their clothes, thus turning the people who buy their clothes into walking billboards for the brand. And also walking Fashion Criminals. What do you think of highly visible…

Wanted! Lipsy panelled corset from ASOS

Also spotted on our patrol around ASOS this morning was this panelled corset by Lipsy, which we became instantly enamored with. Dusky rose in colour, and with a couple of roses on the bust, this is just so pretty, and would be the ideal piece if you’re going to something you need to dress up for, but don’t want to wear an actual dress. It looks great with the black jeans the model is wearing, but would also look good with a plain skirt, and you can always throw a cardigan or jacket over the top to make it a little more modest. £45 at ASOS.

Would you pay £125 for this Moschino t-shirt?

Don’t get us wrong: it’s a fun t-shirt. It made us smile. But then we looked at the price and… £125? For real? That’s like $250, for the benefit of those in the US, and seeing as you could buy a baggy grey t-shirt from American Apparel or the like for about £10 and, er, spray a smiley face on yourself, we’re wondering just how many of you will be rushing to spend £125 on this one one from Moschino ? Money well spent, do you think, or more money than sense?

When Plaid Goes Bad

Dammit! This tartan knit top by Jean Paul Gaultier is currently out of stock. Who will fulfill our clashing-plaid needs now? Who? Of course, we could try and recreate something like this at home, but puke-yellow plaid is just so hard to come by, don’t you find? No wonder Gaultier was able to sell this beauty for $760 a pop! Or, to put it another way: the hell?

To Buy or Not to Buy: Dorothy Perkins’ yellow ruffle vest

Liz writes… Hi Fashion Police! I really enjoyed last week’s ‘To Buy or Not to Buy’ feature, so I thought I’d submit a question of my own.  I think I already know the answer to this question but I am drawn to this yellow top from Dorothy Perkins for summer. But I think I might look like a Fashion Criminal in something so magnificently be-ruffled. What to do you think? ~ Liz

Who said modelling was glamorous?

Does anyone else think this poor model looks like she’s wearing some bizarre kind of fake beard/chest wig? Yeah, us too. You see, it’s not all glamour being a model, you know. Oh hell, no. Wouldn’t you just love to know what she’s thinking in this picture? Spotted a Crime of Fashion? Call the Fashion Police! (Well, email them, anyway…)

How to ruin a perfectly good top, by Marc Jacobs

Lookit this Marc Jacobs top – isn’t it just too cute? The bow detail at the front, the gorgeous purple silk… we love it. Or we did until, whoops, the mannequin turns round, and yes, it’s backless. And not in the good way either, where the top plunges down, showing off a sexy bit of shoulder. No, this one is backless in the kind of way that’ll have people coming up to you all night to whisper that, "Hey, I thought I better tell you, your shirt’s come open at the back, and everyone can totally see the back of your support corset." And that’s another thing: the backs of some pieces of lingerie are rather pretty – pretty enough…

Fendi’s full-sleeve circle print shirt: business in the front, party at the sides…

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, standing before you in the dock today we have a shirt which stands accused of committing crimes against fashion. It’s Fendi’s full sleeved circle print shirt, and the prosecution and defense will now state their cases both for and against the accused… The Case for the Prosecution: So, as soon as we laid eyes on this, we laughed. Seriously, that’s never a good sign, is it? Also, it looks like an over-enthusiastic art college project: also not always a good thing. The Case for the Defense: Oh, this is just so flamboyant! Like, you could totally go flamenco dancing in it and everyone would love it! You know who else would love it? Elton…

Yummie Tummie Tank: a tummy tuck in an tank top

Move over, Bridget’s big knickers – the Yummie Tummie Tank is in town! So, we all need basic vest tops, right? Seriously, the shelves at Fashion Police HQ are stacked high with the things. And we all like to look toned in our tanks, no? Enter the Yummie Tummie Tank, which works in more or less the same way as control top knickers, but looks like a basic, long-line vest. At $62 each, these are on the expensive side for vest tops, but they do come in ten different colours, and did we mention they make your belly look toned? They’ll make you feel a lot more attractive than those big old knickers, too…

Would you wear Insight’s scoop front t-shirt?

This is being sold as a "t-shirt" rather than a swimsuit cover-up, and it’s too short to be a cover-up anyway, so even although it’s being worn here with the "matching bikini", we’re going to assume that its makers intended it to be worn… well, like a t-shirt. All we can say about that is: WHY? Even if it is destined for the beach, we just can’t imagine wanting our clothes to contain special "boob windows". Can you?

Valentine’s Day Fashion: Red heart hoodie from Miss Selfridge

We have to confess that we don’t actually know anyone who wears heart-themed items of clothing just because it’s Valentine’s Day. And we think we might find it a little bit odd if we did. Is wearing Valentine clothes in February a crime comparable to the wearing of holiday sweaters at Christmas, do you think? Or is it only right and natural to want to plaster yourself with love-hearts as the day of romance approaches? Either way, we think this red and cream heart hoodie from Miss Selfridge is cute. We just wouldn’t wear it this Thursday.

See through clothes: still crimes of fashion

You know what we love most about this top? It’s the fact that the design is called "Sweet Tart". No, not Sweet Heart – Sweet Tart. Now, why would they call it that, do you think? Of course,whatever you want to call it, one thing we know this top can definitely be described as is a crime of fashion. We know this because we have asked ourselves the question: "Would Jodie Marsh wear it?" The answer, in this case, came back as a firm "yes", and thus "fashion crime" status was confirmed. Thanks to Fashion Police Officer Ma’at for reporting this one – remember, the crimes are out there, it’s up to you to send them in!

Monster Hoodies. Because, why the hell not?

Some people would say that hoodies are pretty monstrous. These ones absolutely are, though. They’re Monster Hoodies, you see, and they come in different varieties, such as Dinosaurus Rex (right), Neko Gato (left) and more. They’re hoodies with teeth, for scaring small children and people, and for making you look like an angry monster. They’re $59.99 at [via Rare Bird Finds]