Shirts & Tops

      not a fashion victim

      This is not a fashion victim

      Not a fashion victim? Time to prove it… Here at The Fashion Police, it’s our job to identify and arrest fashion victims (and then to help them to rehabilitate, obviously: you CAN overcome crimes of fashion, people – it just takes a little bit of time, and a complete change of mindset…), so it’s helpful when people who AREN’T fashion victims make themselves known – which they can now do with the help of this French Connection t-shirt. Of course, SOME people might argue that paying £30 for a t-shirt is the very definition of being a fashion victim, but we’re going to leave that up to you to decide. In the meantime, here are some articles to help you…

      neon shirt dress

      Shirt Story

      Shirts. We don’t find ourselves arresting them too often here, because, well, they’re shirts. Seriously, how badly wrong can you go with a classic button-down shirt? Well, we’ll tell you. THIS is how badly wrong you can go: [Buy it here] It’s Moschino. Obviously. Well, it’s not like many other brands would pull a stunt like this, is it? They’ll tell you they’re making a little joke, like, “this is how we made your shirt”, but, as always with Moschino, the real joke is on you, because you just paid £680 for something that looks like the pattern for a shirt rather than the shirt itself. If you’ll buy that, however, you’ll probably buy anything, so how about this one:…

      stuck-together-clothes

      Topshop in blatant ‘Stuck Together Clothes’ crime

      Stuck-Together-Clothes: no matter how hard we fight the good fight against them, still brands keep trying to sell us them. Take this, for instance: Two-n-One Bralet tee, £24 We’ll start by stating the obvious: if you REALLY want to wear a bra over the top of your t-shirt, just do it. By which we mean, take a bra, take a t-shirt, wear one of them over the other: done. You don’t actually NEED a special “bralet tee” to achieve this look, do you? And yet somehow Topshop thinks you do. They think you wouldn’t be capable of putting this, er, “look”, together on your own, so they’ve helpfully done it for you. And you will pay them for this. Actually,…

      full-time-fashion-blogger

      Full time fashion blogger? Here’s a sweatshirt just for you…

      ‘Full Time Fashion Blogger’ sweatshirt, £25 at River Island Are there seriously so many full time fashion bloggers out there that there’s a need for dedicated clothing, just for them? Apparently so: or maybe River Island just think there are enough people who WANT to be full-time fashion bloggers for this sweatshirt to be funny/ironic/whatever. There’s no doubt in our minds that, despite repeated rumours of the “death” of blogging, more people than ever are jumping on board the fashion blog bandwagon these days: we suspect recent articles suggesting that top fashion bloggers are making millions of dollars from their blogs have a lot to do with that. If, however, you’re not impressed with the increasing number of fashion-blogger-wannabes, don’t worry,…

      invisible-top

      The Emperor’s New Tops by Topshop Boutique

      [All items: Topshop] “Hmmm,” we thought, “Those are some cute sweatshirts. Bit pricey at £50 each, mind you, but still: unusual colours, inoffensive enough shapes…. Nope, no crime being committed here, that’s for sure!” Then we clicked on to the model images, and… Oh. It’s like that, is it. The visible labels are the best, aren’t they? They really make the outfit, you know? So edgy! Now, we hate to point out the glaringly obvious here, and we do realise that these are (probably) intended to be layered over other items, but even so, there’s just no getting away from the fact that these garments are almost invisible to the naked eye. They’re just one small step away from wearing…

      Closet Heroes: The Breton Top

      A closet hero is an item of clothing which, once purchased, quickly becomes indispensable to its owner. Here at TFP, we don’t believe that there are particular items which “every woman” should own: we’re all too different to need or want exactly the same clothes. We do, however, believe that most people have their own closet heroes, and in this regular column, we’ll be sharing some of ours: and hopefully some of yours, too. Today it’s the turn of… The Breton Top: a closet hero? Hello, I’m Amber, a.k.a the Chief of Police, and I’m addicted to Breton tops. Or ANY kind of striped top, really. Of course, as with all of the items featured in this series, I realise it’s all…

      Dorothy Perkins laser cut flowers top

      High Street Hero: Dorothy Perkins laser cut flowers top

      Dorothy Perkins laser cut flowers top, £32 An intricate, laser cut top isn’t something you generally find in the £30-or-thereabouts price bracket, so when we saw this one at Dorothy Perkins, we decided to nominate it as a High Street Hero. What’s a High Street Hero? It’s one of those items you find on the high street (Well, d’uh), which stand out from the crowd for one reason or another: either they look more expensive than they are, they’re the kind of quality you don’t always find from the price…or you just really like the look of them. This top falls into the third category for us. We haven’t seen it in the “flesh”, so we can’t speak to the…

      strange, unusual and ugly shirts

      Ugly shirts arrested by Fashion Police

      Late last night  Fashion Police officers, acting on an anonymous tip-off, conducted a raid on a website believed to be harbouring a secret crime ring of ugly shirts. It started off innocently enough: Well, OK, maybe “innocent” is the wrong word here. It’s also possible this just looks innocent to us NOW, in light of what came afterwards. Because let’s face it: this shirt looks like it lost its own arms in some horrible accident (perhaps the blue heart killed them?), and had to have them replaced with these bad prosthetics. It’s nothing, however, compared to this: We don’t know about you, but this is one take on the monochrome trend we WON’T be adopting this season. Or not unless…

      cropped tops

      Style Trial: Cropped tops

      Cropped tops: they let you crop it like it’s hot. Apparently. (Get this one at ASOS) Who loves cropped tops? Judging by the responses we’ve had when we’ve asked this question in the past, the answer to that question would be NO ONE. NO ONE loves cropped tops: or not anyone we’ve met, anyway. Someone out there must absolutely love them, though, because, once again, our officers have noticed a dramatic upswing in crop top sightings: in fact, we’re starting to think we might need some kind of special ops task force in order to deal with it. Cropped tops, of course, are one of those things that come in and out of fashion fairly often: about as often as…

      Kate Middleton portrait

      Kate Middleton portrait helps sell French Connection tops

        Let’s talk about that Kate Middleton portrait for a second, shall we? Now, we don’t advocate body/face snarking. At all. In fact, we find it totally depressing when we ask the ladies and gentlemen of the Fashion Police Jury what they think of a celebrity outfit, and get a bunch of comments on their face/figure/how old they look, etc, etc. These are things the celebrities (mostly) can’t do much about, you see, and as for the “OMG SHE LOOKS SO OLD!” comments, well, people get old. It happens. It’ll even happen to you one day, if you’re lucky. In this case, though, we feel no compunction about commenting on Kate Middleton’s face because, well, THAT ISN’T KATE MIDDLETON’S FACE,…

      ugly shirts and tops

      The Ugliest Tops of 2012

      So far in our 2012 crime retrospective, we’ve shown you the ugliest dresses and the scariest skirts. The dresses can stand alone, but you’re probably wondering what on earth you’d wear WITH all those ugly skirts, huh? Well, wonder no more: here are some of the ugliest shirts and tops of 2012 (in our opinion at least): you’ll find our original posts about them here.

      fringed bolero jacket

      Clothes Ripper targets If Six Was Nine bolero jacket

      Oh dear. If any of you ever doubted how dangerous the fashion criminal known only as The Clothes Ripper is, this should offer all the proof you need. This item, you see, used to be a bolero jacket. That would’ve been bad enough on its own, but a quick visit from The Clothes Ripper and now it just looks like it’s vomiting fabric into the lap of anyone who wears it: It’s a sad, sad world when people will do things like this to innocent clothes. Remember to call The Fashion Police if you witness a crime like this one! [Buy it]

      sheer ruffled blouse

      Ruffles Gone Wrong

      In calling this crime “Ruffles Gone Wrong” we feel we really have to address the fact that they rarely ever go RIGHT, do they? We don’t often meet a ruffle we don’t hate, and this is no exception, mostly because it looks like the result of a bad accident in a Victorian lampshade factory. Could it ever be redeemed? Is there a way to wear it without looking like Lord Byron’s less-stylish sidekick? We honestly doubt it, but we’d love to see you try. In the meantime, we think we might just go ahead and add ruffles to our list of “Things That Almost Always Create a Fashion Crime”. We’re just amazed the model wasn’t also wearing peep toe boots! Oh…

      hard edges fringe top

      Crime of Fashion? Hard Edges Fringe Top

      Well, it looks like a lot of fun, we’ll give it that. It.. doesn’t look much like a TOP, though, does it? Which is an issue. We’ve always believed that if an item of clothing doesn’t instantly LOOK like an item of clothing, and if it doesn’t fulfil any of the functions normally associated with items of clothing (Keeping you warm, covering your naked body, that kind of boring, old-fashioned stuff…) there’s a good chance we’re dealing with a crime of fashion. In this case? We think there’s a pretty good chance we’re dealing with a crime of fashion here. Just in case you’re in any doubt about this, we present this important piece of evidence, in the form of the product…

      ASOS penis blouse

      ASOS “penis blouse” is a big hit on Facebook, Twitter

      Some of you may be seeing a perfectly innocent grey blouse here, with a charming coral trim. Others, however, are seeing something a little less sweet and innocent: this blouse has been christened the “penis blouse” (or other, slightly more crude variations) by people on Twitter and Facebook today, and we’ve seen it so many times now we figured it was time we stepped in and arrested it. So, in the words of Rolf Harris: can yer see what it is yet? [Buy it here for £30]

      Viktor & Rolf shirt

      What big shoulders you have, fashion criminals…

      This shirt will cost you £450. That’s the bad news. The good news is that if giant beetles ever rise up and take over the planet, you’ll be able to throw in this shirt, and try to pass yourself off as a human/beetle hybrid. In this way you’ll be able to live among our insect overlords in relative peace. Until one day they recognise you as the impostor you are, and eat you, obviously. Actually, that might have been the bad news? The idea of people paying THAT MUCH for THIS has clearly disturbed us, and we need to go and lie down. Still, we hear that big shoulders are going to be, like, SO HOT this season. That has…

      comme des garcons top

      Crime of Fashion? Comme des Garcons cloud-shaped top

      We know what you’re thinking. It’s kinda cool on the mannequin, it’s creative, it’s different, it’s “edgy”… maybe it looks better on a person? Well, let’s see, shall we? Yeah. Well, rather you than us, we guess. Especially considering that this top costs $794, and looks like something a cartoon character would turn his nose up at. Edgy, though. Definitely edgy… [Buy it]

      Nasty Gal Totally Exposed Blouse

      The Emperor’s New Shirt

      Nasty Gal describe this item as a “totally exposed blouse“. Which isn’t strictly accurate, really: it’s not the BLOUSE that’s “totally exposed”, after all: it’s whatever lies under the blouse – bra, leather bustier, nothing… Let’s be honest, though: when you looked at this photo, you didn’t actually notice the blouse at first, did you? You were probably distracted by the aforementioned leather bustier, or the “classy” suspenders dangling from the cutoffs. So, the question is: if a blouse falls onto a model, but no one can actually see it, is it a crime of fashion? We’re going to go with “yes”. If you’re going with “no”, you can either pay $48 for this one, or, alternatively, just don’t bother wearing…

      Maison Martin Margiela sleeveless t-shirt

      Straight-jacket style, with Maison Martin Margiela

      “Sleeveless t-shirt” is how Yoox.com describes these garments. They’re wrong, though. They’re not REALLY sleeveless. Oh no, these have sleeves all right. It’s just… they’re attached to the sides on the shirts. So, if you decided to wear one of these, your choice would be to either: a) Walk around with your arms plastered to your sides, straight-jacket style. or b) Free your arms, but have to walk around with those sleeves flapping against them all the time. Getting dressed has never been so tricky, has it? Leave it to Maison Martin Margiela to take the basic t-shirt and make it “edgy”. And leave it to MMM, too, to take something that should be comfortable and easy, and turn it into the…

      fur t-shirt

      Furry Fashion from Omer Asim

      Now THAT is what you call a hairy chest, readers. And also a hairy back. We’re impressed. Before we rush out and spend £552 on this, though, we wonder: what on earth would we wear with our brand new fur t-shirt? We could wear it like this, obviously: That could work. It’s just, you know, it’s not quite edgy enough, is it? So we think we’d probably wear it with this: NOW we have an outfit. And we’ll get bonus fashionista points for the presence of the sheer panel on the skirt, too! Note that the peep toe boot rule is in full effect here: not, of course, that we’d have needed to consult it in this particular case… [Product Page]

      Graeme Armour sheer t-shirt

      This sheer shirt is not at all impractical

      The pocket makes this totally practical, doesn’t it? Without it, we’d have had to arrest this Graeme Armour t-shirt for being the type of “Emperor’s New Clothes” item that fashion victims will pay $230 for, just because “IT’S DESIGNER!”. But the pocket changes everything. Now all we can ask ourselves is who WOULDN’T pay $230 for this? Seriously, WHO? [Product Page]

      Reverse Mullet Shirt by Maison Martin Margiela

      Introducing The Reverse Mullet Shirt

      We’re sure there’s a reason why this shirt exists. We’re sure there must be occasions for which the most appropriate of all clothing options is a shirt which is almost ankle-length at the front (and on a 5’9″ model, which means it would be pretty much floor-length on The Fashion Police), and almost non-existent at the back. We’re also sure there must be a reason why it’s $295. We’re just not sure what any of those reasons are yet. Do YOU know? This is by MM6 Maison Martin Margiela. Click here to buy it at Shopbop.

      Aqua shoulder pad body suit

      Style Trial: Aqua ‘Plato’ Shoulder Padded Bodysuit

      This model is totally pretending to be a superhero, isn’t she? And let’s be honest: YOU’D pretend to be a superhero too, if you had a padded (body)suit like this, wouldn’t you? It would be hard to resist. You could be Fashion Criminal Girl. Or FashionistaWoman, maybe, depending on your point of view. What IS your point of view, though? Is this bodysuit almost comically absurd, or is it the cutting edge of fashion, and totally wearable with the right outfit/attitude? Cast your votes now: Guilty or Innocent?

      The most expensive t-shirt in the world

      This is the most expensive t-shirt in the world

      It’s $400,000. FOUR. HUNDRED. THOUSAND. DOLLARS. Here is why it costs so much: The spherical pattern is illustriously decorated with 16 certified hand-set diamonds. Each diamond commands exquisite color, clarity, cut and luster. Every diamond is an example of natural beauty as nothing is more rare, precious, beautiful or indestructible as a diamond! The design is encrusted with 8 white diamonds each over 1ct and 8 ‘enhanced’ rare black diamonds also over 1ct each. And where would one buy the most expensive t-shirt in the world, we totally don’t hear you ask? Why, at themostexpensivetshirtintheworld.com. OBVIOUSLY. [Source]