Crimes of Fashion

Well, this is awkward.

Some fashions are ugly. Some are just plain awkward. Others, meanwhile, manage to be both ugly AND awkward. Which category would you put this one in… if any?

designer patchwork cape

Buy It

It kinda looks like this Peter Pilotto cape (£790 at Louisa Via Roma) has basically jumped up and grabbed the poor model, who, on the plus side, is surely keeping nice and warm under her blanket-like cape.

What about this example?

trousers with attached apron

Buy It

Trousers. With an apron attached. These are a throwback to the “skirt over trousers” look that was briefly popular in the late 90s, and which always made the wearer look like she REALLY wanted to just wear the skirt, but was too scared to show her legs, so decided to just double-up instead. Our philosophy has always been that you either wear a skirt OR a trousers: never both. We’d honestly rather see leggings under a skirt than trousers, but ultimately we’d rather not see clothes being stuck together AT ALL. Free the stuck-together-clothes!

curse shirt

Buy It

Well, this one is REALLY awkward. It’s awkward that there are people out there who think cursing is, like, really cool and edgy, for one thing. It’s also awkward, however, in the “where could you wear it, without fear of insulting someone” sense? Seriously: who’re YOU calling a *&^**^ ?!

And then there’s this:

patched up trench coat

Buy It

$4,500 to buy a coat which has been cunningly crafted to look like it’s been pulled out of a dumpster, and patched together with duct tape and any old rubbish you could get your hands on? Now that really IS awkward…

What do you think of this collection of style suspects? Are you happy for us to drag them all off to the jailhouse, or would you like to speak in their defence?

Crimes of Fashion, Swimwear

Still time to buy the amazing crocheted swimsuit!

crocheted swimsuit

Buy It

Summer may be over, folks, but the fashion world isn’t ready to move on quite yet, and this crocheted swimsuit is currently available at Net-a-Porter, where it’s £190.

It’s … really quite something, isn’t it? And we know the “if ya got it, flaunt it!” school of thought is very prevalent amongst the fashion criminal fraternity, when we look at this…

model in crocheted swimsuit

… we’re not thinking, “Wow, look at her amazing figure!”* so much as we’re thinking, “Wow, how does she even MOVE in that thing?” And also, “Let’s hope she’s wearing a super high SPF, otherwise she’s going to end up with some serious tan lines in that thing….”

Maybe it’s just us (probably), but even if we DID have abs of steel, we just can’t imagine ever feeling comfortable in something like this. It would be the closest you’d get to nudity while still TECHNICALLY being fully clothed, wouldn’t it? One wrong move, or one stronger-than-average wave (Not that we’re assuming the person who wears this is going to be focused on swimming, mind you…), and you’d basically BE nude, too. Unless, of course, you were using double-sided, waterproof fashion tape to anchor it to your body. Honestly, nothing would surprise us.

We’re probably being unfair, though. We haven’t tried this on, after all, and if we did, it’s perfectly possible it would turn out to be the most comfortable and flattering garment ever, and that we’d never want to take it off ever again. We somehow doubt it, though.

What do you think? It looks like a lot of work went into crocheting this one-piece: is it enough to make you want to buy it, though, or are you just glad the weather’s cooling down, making it less likely that you’ll have to see it in action?

* OK, we ARE thinking that, too. Obviously.

Crimes of Fashion

How Not to Layer | A lesson in layering from Zara

Why do fashion bloggers all love fall? Is it because of the crisp air? The golden leaves? The fact that they’re all working from the same Fashion Blogging Rule Book, and rule # 10 states: Thou Shalt Begin Every Post in the Month of September With the Words, “Autumn Is My Favourite Season?”

Well, it’s all of those things, really. But it’s mostly about the layering. Here’s what we think of when fashion bloggers start getting excited about the OMGLAYERING:

how not to layer

fashion and layering

a lesson in layering

Buy This

Not all layering is like this, obviously. In fact, what the fashion world likes to call “layering”, as if it’s some kind of complex technique, is what the rest of us simply call, “Getting dressed when it’s cold out.” So, you know, you might wear a cardigan over your dress. Or – and brace yourselves for this one, fashion force – a COAT. Over your regular clothes. That, friends, is “layering”, and that’s really all there is not it. It’s not particularly challenging, or even particularly interesting. How, then, we wonder, did ZARA manage to get it so wrong in the outfit above?

No, seriously, how did this happen? It’s like someone threw the model a box of clothes and challenged her to wear them all at the same time. It’s layering gone badly, badly wrong, but there are some important lessons to be learnt from it, about the fine art of “layering”. For instance, from this outfit alone, we learn that:

1. A sensible cardi isn’t the answer to EVERY sartorial dilemma.

2. Dresses over jeans should be left in the 90s, where they belong.

3. Particularly MAXI dresses, over SAGGY jeans.

4. Lots of very loose, baggy layers will make you look like a badly-wrapped parcel. Wear loose layers over structured ones, instead.

5. For the love of Gaga, learn how to cuff your jeans properly, people: there’s “effortless” and then there’s “no, really, I didn’t make even the slightest effort…”

OK, that last one has nothing to do with layering. It’s just annoying.

What are your thoughts on layering, style sleuths? Are you shrieking with excitement at the very thought of FINALLY being able to do what most of do without giving it a second thought? Or are you with us in thinking it’s totally fine and practical, but not a reason to be popping the champagne?

Crimes of Fashion

Five knitwear styles to avoid this fall

September starts on Monday, which means some of you are probably starting to think about your autumn/winter wardrobes, and, in particular, knitwear. There’s nothing quite like snuggling up in a cosy sweater on a chilly day, is there? Except, of course, the sweater in question is one of these…

cable knit sweater

Buy It

We don’t know about you, but for £1.085, we’d want the whole sweater, not just the parts of it someone managed to hastily cobble together after it was attacked by The Clothes Ripper. We’re guessing this is an attempt to make the chunky cable sweater in some “edgy”, by use of the now-familiar technique of ripping holes in it to ensure visibility of body parts. Question: is it still “edgy” if everyone does it? We’re not edgy, so we don’t know.

moschino hoodie with attached handbag

Buy It

God knows, it’s not like we’ve come to expect better from Jeremy Scott’s work for Moschino, but this is not only one of the most blatant Stuck-Together-Clothes crimes we’ve seen in a while, it’s also a Visible Logo crime. We’ve long considered highly visible logos to be the height of fashion criminality: guys, Moschino should be paying YOU £1,1710 to be a walking advertisement for them, not the other way around!

furry cardigan

Buy Now


feathered sweater

Buy It

This model asked to remain anonymous. Probably because she has part of a bird strapped to her chest. This one costs almost £2,000, too: better get saving, fashion fans!

split sweater

Buy It

We’ll probably never know exactly what happened to this sweater, but we’d put money on The Clothes Ripper being involved somehow. How else would an innocent-looking stripe sweater find itself split almost in half? That’s why we always advise you to run, don’t walk, from this dastardly fashion criminal…

Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Has Marc Jacobs taken the trainers trend too far?

Sportwear – or “sportswear luxe”, as the fashion press have been terming it – has been big this season: and it’ll continue to be big long into NEXT season, too. Even those who normally wear heels for the thing most people wear sneakers for, have taken to wearing sneakers for the things most people wear heels for… er, if that makes sense?

For many of you, of course, this has been a really welcome development in fashion. At a time when dress codes have all but died out (Once again, we cite the continuing trend for pyjamas/onesies in public and the large number of Google searches this site receives for the term “Is it OK to wear jeans to a wedding?” as evidence of this…), and you’re considered “overdressed” if you wear heels or a skirt of ANY description, we’re slowly having to accept that people just don’t like to get dressed up for anything but the very fanciest of occasions. “But they’re SO COMFY! is the clarion call of our generation, most often spoken in defense of Uggs, leggings, and the various other items of clothing which are generally considered to be “ugly”, but which people wear anyway.

It was only a matter of time before casual dressing became a trend in its own right, and once that happened, it was only matter of time before someone decided to take it too far. That person is Marc Jacobs, designing for his Marc by Marc Jacobs line:

marc jacobs sneakers

[Buy them here for $566]

We’ll just say here that we don’t hate sneakers: regular sneakers, we mean. In fact, we’ve actually been quite enjoying their current status as “fashion” items (as opposed to being just what everyone wears anyway…), and we really think some people have been making them look almost as covetable as the heels we normally prefer. But these look like expensive clown shoes, no? The colours, the patterns, the crazy soles… we can’t really imagine seeing these on someone and thinking, “Damn, those shoes are stylish: must get some!”, but that could just be us. Probably is, actually.

What say you, readers: you do love or hate these sneakers? Would you wear them?



Crimes of Fashion

Introducing the Maxi/Mini

midi maxi skirt

midi maxi

Buy It

It’s not technically true to say that Cheap Monday have “invented” the mini/maxi skirt because, much to our distress, we HAVE, in fact, been subjected to this kind of thing before. (Never with the addition of chunky white shoes, mind you. That really adds something to it, don’t you think?) We’re fairly sure there are some hybrid skirts still doing time in our cells, come to think of it.

So, this isn’t a new concept: just one that continues to confound us every time we see it. In the top image, it looks like a wardrobe malfunction, for instance. In the other two images, it… well, it STILL looks like a wardrobe malfunction. Or the result of extremely indecisive dressing, at the very least. Can’t decide whether to wear a mini skirt or a maxi skirt? Wear both! It’s either the best of both worlds, or it’s the worst of both worlds, and we’re going to let you decide how you feel about that one. In the meantime, we’ll just draw your attention to this:

finged orange cardigan

Buy It

You know when someone’s renting out a room, or selling something, and they hang up a notice with their phone number on little strips at the bottom, which you can tear off and take with you? This shirt is the clothing equivalent of that. It would be incredibly hard to resist walking up to the person wearing it and trying to tear off a “tab” – although the fact that it would cost £198 to replace it would hopefully put you off.

Finally, ZARA demonstrate how to make your body look like a rectangle:

drop crotch trousers

Buy It

See: you CAN change your body shape just using clothing, people! The question is: do you really want to?

Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Spotted! Footwear Impostors make a comeback

A few years ago, many of The Fashion Police’s arrests revolved around what we termed ‘Footwear Impostors”: boots pretending to be shoes; shoes pretending to be socks – that kind of thing.

Footwear Impostors have almost died out in recent years: in fact, we started to think our mission had been successful, and we’d managed to round ’em all up, leaving shoe stores filled with shoes and boots that were exactly what they looked like. THAT’S the sort of footwear you can trust, isn’t it?

Now, however, it is with heavy hearts we must report a new sighting of a Footwear Impostor:

shoe with attached sock sock/shoe hybrid

Buy Them

It could be worse. They could have attached the lurex socks to a pair of Birkenstocks. Actually, we’re kinda surprised they didn’t, considering how trendy Birkenstocks are at the moment…

(Aside: can you imagine how annoyed the people who’ve always worn Birkenstocks purely for comfort reasons, saying they don’t care what they look like, must be to suddenly find themselves looking like fashion victims? That has to suck…)

Although it COULD be worse, however, that doesn’t mean it’s not pretty bad as it is. On a personal taste note, we wouldn’t wear either the shoes or the socks on their own (Well, we might wear the socks, we guess, but only with jeans or something…), let alone together, but even if we DID decide the two were perfectly matched, and wanted to wear them as an ensemble, we think we’d appreciate the ability to separate them again at the end of the day, wouldn’t you? Or do you always wear the same shoes with the same socks, and frequently find yourself wishing you could just stick ’em together and be done with it?

If you would, these are for you – but only if you have a spare $586 to pay for them…

Crimes of Fashion

New in at Net-a-Porter…

Our officers love browsing the “new in” section at everyone’s favourite designer fashion website, Net-a-Porter. We can’t actually afford to BUY anything, obviously, but sometimes it’s nice to look, isn’t it?

Other times, mind you, it’s just plain ol’ PUZZLING to look. What’s going on here, for instance?

trousers with pockets at the ankles

Buy them

They’re pants with pockets. Which would’t be even remotely surprising, obviously, except, in this case, the pockets are at the ankles, rather than at the more usual place: the hips (or thereabouts).  We have to assume these aren’t supposed to be used as FUNCTIONING pockets, because how would you stop things from falling out when you walked? We have to admit, though, we’d kinda like to see someone TRY to use them as functioning pockets – ideally with something like little teddy bears or something in the pockets. If you fancy giving that a shot, these will “only” cost you £430…

Also at Net-a-Porter this morning, we found these:

cropped patchwork mom jeans

Buy Then

It’s like everything that was bad about the late 80s/early 90s, all wrapped up in one, £565 package. We’re reaching for our credit card as we write this.*

(*No we’re not.)

Finally, we were initially just amused when we found this suspect:

drop-crotch jumpsuit

Buy It

“Wow, so adult onesies are still a thing, huh?” we thought. “Still: at least most people wear them in the privacy of their own homes, and the ones who don’t have long-since been arrested, so the world is probably safe from any more onesies-in-public crimes!”

Then we checked out Net-a-Porter’s suggested styling:

adult onesie worn in public

We don’k know about you, but we just can’t think “adult onesie” without ALSO thinking “clutch bag”. The two go together like… chalk and cheese, say.  Net-a-Porter suggest this outfit would be “perfect” for “running errands or heading to the gym”. We think we see a crime way approaching…


Crimes of Fashion

Denim: disastrous or delightful?

We love denim. It’s one of those fabrics you can just always depend on, isn’t it? Feeling blah, and don’t know what to wear? Jeans to the rescue! Need an outfit you can dress up/down as required? Denim is here for you. Denim (or chambray, if you’re talking about the thinner equivalent normally used on shirts) is such an easy thing to get right: but it’s also a really easy thing to get badly WRONG, as we think these examples demonstrate:

chambray maxi dress

Buy It

It’s hard to know where to even start with this one. Seriously,what are we looking at here? It’s like Little Bow Peep meets 80s pop princess, meets Little House on the Prairie, meets saucy seductress…. And it wouldn’t actually be appropriate for any of those “characters”, or, indeed, for any real-life situation we can think of. Where DO you wear your £2,195 chambray and lace maxi dress? WHERE?

Moving on to something a little more wearable:

shirt with holes in the arms

Buy It

Holey shirt, batman! Now, you COULD buy this shirt for £230, OR you could cut holes in the sleeves of an existing shirt. OR you could just back away from the scissors altogether, and no shirts would have to be harmed. Also, you wouldn’t have to walk around looking like mice had snuck into your shirt drawer: up to you.

(Yes, we’re aware that this one isn’t actually denim, but it kinda-sorta LOOKS like denim, so we’re lumping it in with the rest…)

Finally, for the high-fashion gal:

mechanic jumpsuit

Buy It

Shopbop describe this – not incorrectly – as a “mechanic jumpsuit”. Mechanics probably don’t pay $500 for their jumpsuits, though, so we can only assume this is aimed at people who want to pretend to be mechanics, but to do it in a designer label. Or, of course, for those who are simply far more fashionable than us.

What’s the verdict, officers? Love? Loathe? Somewhere in between?

Style On Trial, Trousers/Pants

Trends on Trial | Baggy Trousers

This season, ZARA is carrying a lot of stuff like this:

ZARA autumn 2014 trouaers

ZARA autumn 2014 trouaers

ZARA autumn 2014 trouaers

ZARA autumn 2014 trouaers

All items: ZARA

And, OK, they’re not all “baggy”. Not exactly. Some are just stretchy. And have obviously been victimized by our old enemy, The Foot Snatcher.  Others, meanwhile, look a lot like sleepwear, or yoga pants, or some other kind of “not necessarily intended to be worn as a fashion statement… or as outdoor clothes” garments.

These ARE meant to be worn out of doors, and they’re quite a departure from the usual round of super-skinny jeans and leggings-as-pants which have reigned supreme over the fashion world for years now, so we naturally want to know what you think of them. To take the case for the defence first, we guess you could argue that:

♦  They look REALLY comfortable.

♦  Er, that’s pretty much it, really.

So, does the comfort factor make you want to don a 70s-inspired turtleneck-n-flares combo? Will foot-snatcher-style palazzo pants be replacing the skinny jeans in your wardrobe this season? One thing we can tell you is that, whether you like it or not, you probably haven’t seen the last of these styles: flares in particular seem to be making something of a comeback this season, and while all of the trousers shown above were found at Zara, they’re far from the only culprit, and we’ve been noticing a growing trend for baggy trousers at many of our other usual haunts too.

What do you think, Fashion Police jurors? Are you so grateful to have an alternative to skinnies that you don’t mind looking like your feet have been snatched, or are these outfits a step too far in the opposite direction? Leave us a comment and let us know if you think these are crimes of fashion, or innocent of all charges…

Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Furry ballet flats are a thing now

furry ballet flats

Buy Them

These may look like a cosy pair of furry slippers, but it saddens us to report that they’re actually a pair of furry outdoor shoes: and $740 ones, at that.

Now, we’ve written fairly extensively on the scourge of furry boots that seem to be dominating the autumn/winter collections, but these ones are particularly perplexing, and not JUST because they’d presumably make your feet look like they belonged on a hairy mammoth.  No, we’re talking here about practicality. As with the furry boots we’ve featured, we can’t see how pale fur would be at all practical during the wintery weather these presumably designed for, but at least the boots have the defense of being warm. These shoes, however, raise the conundrum that if it’s cold enough to wear fur on your feet, surely it’s too cold for ballet flats, which expose the top of the foot? And you could, of course, wear thick socks with them, but… that does’t sound particularly stylish either, does it?

Our schoolgirl French didn’t permit us to identify which breed of animal (if any) might have died to create these, but the product description  DOES seem to talk a bit about Ann Bolyen and Elizabeth the first, so perhaps there’s a reason for the existence of these shoes that we haven’t even considered. If Elizabethan fashions are about to make a comeback, however, well, that’ll make for some interesting times here at Fashion Police HQ, let’s put it that way…

Fashion Police

Little Things That Cost a Lot

Designer key fobs. It’s tempting to think they’re mostly purchased by the kind of people who MUST have something DESIGNER to flaunt, but who can’t afford a bag, or dress, or other item of clothing. We’re sure that assumption is unfair to the owners of designer key fobs, however, so there must be some other reason why someone would want to spend £115 on something like this:

Sophie Hume designer key fob

Buy It

Honestly, it IS kinda cute, though, with its big googly eyes, and its faintly terrified expression. That’s pretty much how WE look when we spot some of the items we arrest, now we come to think of it. We’re almost talking ourselves into wanting to buy it now, which really wasn’t our intention, but still: cute! And £115! Maybe if we were rich? Or if it was cheaper?

Moving on to something small that we’re definitely NOT tempted to buy, however:

Anya Hindmarc digestives clutch bag

Buy It

Yup Anya Himdmarch is at it again, with her bags-that-look-like-food thing. This little clutch bag is designed to look like a pack of digestive biscuits, and that would all be well and good (We’re rather partial to a novelty clutch, truth be told), if it wasn’t £895. Once again, we find ourselves thinking that if we DID really want to walk around clutching a packet of biscuits, we’d just BUY the packet of biscuits. At least we’d get a snack out of it! And yes, we know: if we just bought the biscuits, we wouldn’t have the giant tassel on the end of the pack! Worry not, fair readers, for the tassel (or one like it), can be purchased separately, for just £195. Bargain!

Anywa Hindmarch designer key fob

Buy It

Crimes of Fashion

Shorts Horror | Au Jour le Jour lip printed shorts

lip printed short-shorts

[Buy them here for £242]

The placement of the tongue on the crotch.

The butt-cheeks hanging out of the super-short hem.

The knee socks.

The stiletto-heeled slippers.

The old “where on earth would you wear them?” question.

The idea of paying £242 to look like… this.

There’s just so many things about these shorts that makes us want to reach for our citation pads and book them for multiple crimes of fashion.

But let’s be honest: it’s mostly the placement of the tongue on the crotch.

In other news, meanwhile:

oversized furry hat

[Buy it here for £570]

This is a hat.

We know it doesn’t necessarily LOOK like a hat, but trust us: it’s a hat. And not just any old hat, either: this is a £570 alpaca fur hat. With visor. And THIS is what a £570 hat looks like on:

furry hat

On the  plus side, we bet it’s REALLY warm. That’ll come in handy when your vision is so obscured by it that you wander far off the beaten track and end up having to shelter inside your furry hat overnight. Aren’t fashion designers clever to think of things like that?  And here were we, thinking the LAST lot of hats we arrested were a little bit OTT! Are hats taking over from shoes as the new master-criminals of the fashion world? Will there be lots and lots of people wandering around with things like this on their head this winter? If there are, at least they’ll be easy enough to arrest: we don’t think anyone will be going anywhere fast with one of these guys balanced on their head, do you?

P.S. Once you’ve had your fill of fashion crime reports, please check out The Fashion Police’s sister sites, Forever Amber and ShoeperWoman, for more fashion and lifestyle content!

Crimes of Fashion, Outerwear

Crime of Fashion? Moschino’s Trench Coat/négligée hybrid

nightdress/ trenchcoat hybrid

[Buy it here for $2,995]

It took us a few seconds to work out exactly what we were looking at here, but then it hit us: you know all those times – those many, many times – when you want to wear a classic trenchcoat, but you ALSO want to wear a silky négligée ? Well, this item is the answer to your prayers: isn’t fashion marvelous?

Now, we have to admit, there have been times in our lives – and quite possibly in yours, too – when we’ve been tempted to throw a coat on over our nightclothes and run out on a quick errand. We’re not saying we’ve given into that impulse – yet  –  you understand: simply that we can understand how that could happen, and we do not judge. The act of wearing your nightclothes OVER your trench, on the other hand? We’ve been thinking about this all day (Well, OK, for as long as it’s taken to write this arrest report), and nope, we really can’t imagine a single scenario in which that would suddenly seem like a good idea.

Let’s just imagine for a second, however, that such a scenario existed. Yes, we know it’s a stretch, but just go with us on this one. Imagine you DID want to wear a nightdress over a trenchcoat, in exactly the manner shown above. Would you:

a) Give Moschino $3,000 to create the item for you


b) Pin an existing nightie to an existing trench coat, and create exactly the same effect

We know what we’d do in that scenario, and we’ll give you a clue: it’s not ‘A’.

Just to end this on a semi-positive note, however: this suspect isn’t guilty of QUITE as many crimes of fashion as you might think from the evidence above, because if you were thinking the droopy black hem was part of the coat (and we did too, at first), relax: it’s actually this:

sleeveless cape dress

[Sleeveless cape dress: $2,995]

The entire outfit, then, comes in at just under £6K. We’ll just leave you to mull that over, shall we?

Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

Frankenshoes | Strange Shoes Ride Again

We know we’ve been bringing you a lot pf shoe-related arrests lately, but as we mentioned in our last crime report, shoes have become the master criminals of the fashion world. The ringleaders, if you will. Never has there been a time in which ugly footwear was quite so prevalent: footwear like THIS:

strange shoes: platform boots with flower detail

Thom.Solo x Solestruck Dahlia’ boots, $299.95

We’d imagine some of you will like these, and think they’re pretty. Because those are flowers on the platform, after all, and flowers are pretty, yes? Well, yes, but here’s the problem: those are FLOWERS on the platform. When we first looked at them, we assumed the wearer of the boots had stepped in something nasty, and not bothered to wipe it off. Once it’s been seen, it can’t be unseen, so that’s basically spoiled THESE for us. (Er, not that we’d have necessarily wanted a pair of giant platform boots in the first place, you understand…)

Jeffrey Campbell 'Pepe' fur heeled shoes

Jeffrey Campbell ‘Pepe’, $149.95

We thought Jeffrey Campbell had been keeping it quiet on the fashion crime front lately… then we found these. Trust ‘ol JC to jump right aboard the “fur-heel” bandwagon, huh? These ‘Pepe’ shoes are similar in shape to the DSquared2 pumps we arrested a couple of weeks ago: same square heel, same inexplicable use of fur, same chance of getting you arrested by The Fashion Police. We really hope this heel isn’t going to be a trend: we don’t think there are enough Fashion Police officers in the world to handle  a Lita-esque crimewave…

On the subject of Jeffrey Campbell:

Jefrey Campbell Rookbee

Jeffrey Campbell ‘Rookbee’ boots, $209

Again, the industrial feel of these boots will really appeal to some people, while others will hate them for exactly the same reasons. Such is the beauty of fashion: one woman’s fashion crime is another woman’s Most Wanted: what we want to know is where YOU stand. What do you think of the footwear in our lineup:  which ones (if any) do you want us to arrest?

Crimes of Fashion, Trousers/Pants

Fashion Crimes: The ‘That Can’t Be Comfortable’ Edition

There are two types of fashion crime in the word: the clothes we wouldn’t want to wear because of the way they LOOK, and the clothes we wouldn’t want to wear because we just can’t imagine ever feeling comfortable in them.

Sometimes the discomfort is the literal kind:

leather harem shorts

Leather square gusset shorts, $510

Leather shorts don’t strike us as particularly comfortable at the best of times (IS there a “best time” for leather shorts, we wonder? ), but leather SQUARE GUSSET shorts? Nuh-uh? Even if that leather is the buttery-soft variety, can you imagine walking around with all that bunched-up leather between your legs? (Sorry, there just wasn’t a non-vulgar-sounding way of putting that…) Even worse that these are shorts, so presumably intended to be worn on warm days. We haven’t tried them, so there’s every chance they’re super-comfortable, of course, but, well, we’re probably not going to spend $510 to find out, are you?

As well as the apparent physical discomfort of certain items, however, there’s also the discomfort that comes from knowing that the slightest of movements could easily result in a wardrobe malfunction of the “here’s my underwear!” kind:

ASOS sheer stripe dress

ASOS sheer stripe dress, £22

Yes, you could always wear a slip or something under it, but that would defeat the “edgy” purpose of wearing a dress like this in the first place, wouldn’t it?

We get a similar vibe from this dress:

rick owens dress

Rick Owens dress, £208

The way it draws the eye directly to the crotch is almost uncanny, isn’t it? The only thing that would MORE effectively let people know that your crotch was almost on show would be a giant arrow pointing to it, and saying, “Hey, folks! If I make one wrong move, or there’s the slightest gust of wind, you’ll get to see my underwear!”

Our final example, meanwhile, DOESN’T carry a risk of arrest for indecent exposure: well, not unless you consider the back of the thighs to be “indecent”:

tie dye trousers

[from here]

To be fair, these are probably more… unusual… than anything else, but imagine the backs of your thighs constantly coming into contact with every cold or potentially dirty surface you might sit on or lean against. Now do you get why we think they’d be uncomfortable?

Crimes of Fashion, Trousers/Pants

The Emperor’s New Fendi Trousers

Well, whaddya know: it looks like our old friend The Emperor got himself some new trousers!

tights with attached skirt

[Buy them here for £136]

It’s hard to be sure just from the evidence before us, but we THINK what we’re looking at here is a pair of tights, with a useless, totally sheer skirt attached to them. Which is awesome, because how many times have you been getting dressed in the morning and thought to yourself, “If only these tights had a flo0r-length, almost-invisible skirt attached!” SO many times. But actually, no, no times at all. We can’t even IMAGINE thinking that. We’re not sure why anyone would?

Oh, and we also think what we’re looking at here is the model’s bare ass. It’s possible she’s wearing a thong – we really don’t care enough for a close-up examination here – but if you really MUST wear reasonably sheer tights, with a reasonably sheer skirt over them, we’d suggest NOT going for the triple fashion crime score by adding a pair of sheer knickers. Maybe just keep that kind of thing for the privacy of your own home, yes?

Just to add to the fun that is this garment (And what do you call a tights/skirt hybrid anyway? a “skirght”, perhaps?), these tights sort of resemble a skin disease, don’t they? We’re not convinced they’d even look good worn AS TIGHTS, let alone as “skirghts”, but if you feel differently, and think you could make them work, the good news is that they’re currently on sale at, for “just” £136, down from the original price of £341.

The BAD news, meanwhile, is that there’s just one pair left, which means there are probably more of them out there, walking around in public. Let’s just hope whoever bought them was mindful of the “just add knickers” rule outlined above…

Crimes of Fashion, Dresses

When Maxi Dresses Go Wrong

The maxi dress. It’s a summer staple for many people: throw one on with a pair of sandals and a floppy sunhat, and you’re all set for a day by the pool, a trip to the beach, a leisurely day’s sightseeing… you can fill in the rest of this list yourself, we’re sure. Not only is the maxi dress a lightweight alternative to shorts, sundresses or all of those other summer options, it can also be very forgiving to the figure: unless, of course, it looks like this:

black maxi dress with knickers

Black maxi dress, $24

We have a grudging respect for this dress. It’s just so unapologetic, isn’t it? The girl who wears this dress isn’t going to fuss around, adding silly layers of see-through fabric to present the illusion of a “modesty” we all know doesn’t exist in a dress like this: this girl just wants to go out in her knickers. And she’s GONNA. You have to admire that single-minded determination to have your knickers on show at all costs. Er, don’t you?

This girl, meanwhile, ALSO wanted to go out in just her knickers:

black maxi dress

[Buy it here for $36 ]

Her dad wouldn’t let her, though, so she had to get creative. When she faced up to the parents, on her way out of the house, she looked demure and elegant, without so much as a visible pantie line. She was business in the front, for sure. When she turned around, though…

business  in the front, party in the back

… that dress was definitely aaaaallll party in the back. And what a party it was, too!

They both, however, felt themselves to be better dressed than THIS girl:

mesh maxi dress

Open Relationship mesh maxi dress, $29

Because that’s just silly, now, isn’t it?

What do you think, Style Sleuths? Do these dresses belong in Fashion Police jail, or would you like us to set them free, without charge?



Crimes of Fashion

Hilarious Hats: would you wear them?

They say that if you want to get ahead, get a hat. Honestly, though, the only thing THESE hats are likely to get you is a citation slip from The Fashion Police. For instance…

ostrich feather headpiece

Ostrich feather headpiece, £1139

This isn’t so much a “hat” as it’s a wig. Wear it, and you will straight-up look like you’re wearing a wig: a giant, orange, ostrich feather wig. Not keen on the orange? Don’t worry: it also comes in yellow and brown. We suspect we’re supposed to be referring to these shades as “blonde, brunette and ginger”, but that would imply that they actually look like hair, and, well, they don’t. Not unless you’re an ostrich, obviously.

feathered top hat

feathered top hat, £649

This might be suitable for ladies day at Ascot, when people compete to see who can wear the most ridiculous hat, but if you’re not going to Ascot, and you’re not Lady Gaga, we’re not sure where you’d want to wear it. Any suggestions?

Lanvin rabbit fur hat

Lanvin rabbit fur hat, £895

Here’s an excellent illustration of how to take a rabbit, and turn it into a silly hat. It’s also a good illustration of how to take a silly hat and magically make it worth £895. Try to keep your credit cards in your wallets, readers..

pink fur hat

House of Holland pink fur hat, £110

This hat, meanwhile, looked at the black version above it, and thought it just wasn’t quite BRIGHT enough. So it fixed that for ya.


Rabbit baseball hat, £209

This is at least better than the others, in the sense that it’s not a REAL rabbit. It is, however, playing right into the Dress Like a Toddler Trend, and once again making us ask: why on earth would a grown adult want to walk around with a pink bunny wabbit balanced on her head? We ask this question so often that we’re starting to think that Dressing Like a Toddler has become the new Dressing Like an Adult. Please tell us we’re wrong…

Crimes of Fashion, Shoes

More strange shoes: crimewave continues

We usually leave most of the shoe talk to ShoeperWoman, but right now there are just too many ugly shoes out there for her to handle, so we’re stepping in to make a few arrests.

As ShoeperWoman observed earlier this week, footwear fashion is going through something of an awkward stage at the moment. There are Birkenstocks. There are those clumpy white sandals with the giant platform soles. There are… these:

Charlotte Olympia Hands shoes

Charlotte Olympia ‘Hands On’ sandals, £755

Shoes. Made out of… hands. Not REAL hands, obviously. That would creepy. And this… isn’t? Selfridges tactfully say these will “have everyone looking twice.” Well, that’s certainly ONE way to put it. Charlotte Olympia isn’t the only one trying to make hands on shoes happen, though:

Vivetta Hands flatforms

Vivetta ‘HAnds’ flatforms, £281

We consider most flatforms to be crimes of fashion, so to be completely honest, the creepy hands are the least of worries here. But back to Charlotte Olympia:

Charlotte Olympia platforms

Charlotte Olympia platforms, $946

Some people have the same reaction to Charlotte Olympia platforms as we have to any pair of FLATforms. Those people probably won’t have a lot of love for the little climbers on the heels of these ones: we, meanwhile, just hope the little dudes don’t fall off – it’s a long, long way down…

And as for these:

furry boots

LD Tuttle ‘The Bone’ leather boots, £606

It’s almost as if the designer finished making a relatively inoffensive pair of boots, then thought, “Wait: how can I make these uglier? I know! Fur!” And seriously, while we’re on the subject, what’s with all the furry footwear around lately? Is this going to be A Thing this winter? If so, someone please tell us now, so we can call in some re-inforcements…

What do you think of these shoes, officers? Are they crimes of fashion, or would you wear any of them?