Crimes of Fashion, Trousers/Pants

Harem Pants: Officially Still Ugly

ugly harem pants by Givenchy

Not that there was ever really any doubt about this, but just in case there was, we’d like to take this opportunity to confirm that yes, harem pants are still ugly. They didn’t get any better looking in the few weeks since we last wrote about them. More worrying still, ignoring them doesn’t seem to make them go away. We really thought it would, you know. We thought it would be one of those “trends” which wouldn’t actually exist outside the pages of the fashion magazines and the runways of a few select designers: that most people with eyes would be able to see that no good could ever come of adding a dropped crotch to a pair of pants, and harem pants would disappear from the world, never to be seen again. Or at least, never to be seen until some “edgy” designer decided to try to convince us all that we really DO want to look like we have completely square crotches.

This week, the label in question is Givenchy, who think it’s entirely plausible that people will want to pay $1725 to look like the unfortunate model featured above, who probably thanked her lucky stars that this job didn’t require her to show her face.

What we really want to know, though, is who is wearing all of these harem pants we keep finding ourselves having to arrest. Seriously, this has been going on for YEARS now, and yet we’ve still to see more than a few brave people actually “rocking” the trend in real life. And trust us, there was no actual “rocking” going on in those cases. And yet, if our research is to be believed, SOMEONE must be giving all of these designers reason to believe that their almost-$2000 harem pants will just fly off the shelves. Look!

sold out harem pantsSold. Out. At that price. And looking like… that.

Who’s doing this? And how do we stop them?

(Click here if you desperately want to join them.)

Fashion Police

First sign of the apocalypse (Or Christian Dior Spring/Summer 2012 runway)

Model in sheer dress

It is written in the Fashion Police Testament: “When Dior’s models walk the runway without their knickers, the apocalypse shall surely follow.”

We hope you’re all ready for the end of the world, folks…

[Images: PRPhotos]
Dresses, Fashion Fraud Squad

Designer Vs High Street: Stella McCartney Vs Mango

Black dresses by Stella McCartney and Mango

All rise for the case of Mango Vs McCartney!

Actually, it’s OK, you can sit back down: there’s really no case to be answered here – this is a straightforward case of “designer inspiration” as opposed to “blatant copying”, and while you can clearly see where the inspiration from this Mango dress has come from, there are enough differences between it and the Stella McCartney original to make it very obvious which is which.

Unfortunately for Mango, the side-by-side comparison doesn’t really do their creation any favours. We’re sure it probably looks nice on, but next to the Stella, it does look a little… well, cheap, really.

IS it cheap? Well, it’s £34.90, so we’d say yes, it is. As for the McCartney dress, you’ll pay £1285 for the privilege: ouch.

Fashion Polls & Debates, Jeans

Denim Wars: What’s your favourite type of jeans?

Different types of jeans ranging from skinny to flared (All jeans shown: River Island)

One, two, three, four, we declare a denim war!

Yesterday we talked about how bootcut jeans are kicking skinnies in the denim ass as far as eBay sales are concerned. Today we want to introduce some other types of jeans into the fray, and start a full-scale denim war. Imagine armies of jeans, all battling for dominance. Who will win? YOU DECIDE! (Sorry, we thought we were on Big Brother for a second there…)

The question is simple: WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE TYPE OF JEAN?

To make it simpler still, we’ve included a poll. Please feel free to elaborate on your vote in the comments, so we can all argue over something as trivial as denim.

(We’re joking: let’s not argue. In fact, let’s all have a big, denim-clad hug. Only after you’ve placed your vote below, though…)

[polldaddy poll=5541951]

Fashion News, Jeans

Bootcut jeans are more popular than skinnies, says eBay

Bootcut jeans are more popular than skinny jeans

Remember bootcut jeans? Of course you do. In fact, chances are you still have at least one pair squirrelled away somewhere, and even although the skinny still reigns supreme in the denim world – for now – you’re hoping the day will come when we can all toss those tight jeans aside and get back into bootcut. Maybe that day has already come for you? Maybe you never made the switch to skinny, and have clung onto your trusty bootcuts, regardless of the vagaries of fashion trends telling you it’s time to get into wide legs, flares, or any other cut of denim. Jennifer Aniston is still wearing bootcuts, after all, so why shouldn’t you?

How do we know all this? Well, partly because we’re The Fashion Police, and it’s our job to know these things obviously. But also because we climb inside your closet at night while you’re asleep  this week eBay released an infographic showing how jeans sales on the auction site have panned out over the past year. The results are not the least bit surprising: every time we write about the Battle of the Denim, you tell us you HATE skinny jeans, and LOVE bootcut. And the results of eBay’s research definitely reflect that:

Jean Sales on eBay in the Past Year:

1. BOOTCUT: 793,289

2. STRAIGHT LEG: 215,353

3. SKINNY JEANS: 214,405

So more than twice as many pairs of bootcut jeans as skinnies were sold, and skinny jeans didn’t even make it to second place on the list: straight leg jeans did.

Surprised? We’re not. While we personally prefer skinnies (Yes, we know, it’s shocking), we know that our readers have always tended to express a preference for bootcut styles, feeling that they’re more flattering to most figures. So we’re mostly just surprised that retailers and designers haven’t been taking that on board: we’d imagine one of the reasons people are buying so many pairs of bootcut jeans from eBay is because they’re not exactly easy to find in regular stores, with the balance skewed heavily in favour of skinnies, or whatever that seasons flavour of the month is. (This season: flares.)

(Actually, scratch that bit about designers. We’re not surprised AT ALL that designers aren’t making clothes which flatter people’s bodies, and which women actually want to wear. If they were, this site wouldn’t exist.)

So tell us: do you favour bootcut jeans over the other styles available? Why? 

Fashion Fraud Squad, Skirts

Designer Vs High Street: Two-tone skirts by Dries Van Noten and Zara

Two tone skirts by Zara and Dries Van Noten

Good old Zara! The Spanish chain comes to the rescue once again, helping us save £478, were we in the market for a two-toned skirt with white panels at the front and black ones at the side. If we WERE looking for such a thing, we could buy it from Dries Van Noten. It would cost us £504, though, so we have to admit, we’d be much more likely to head to Zara, spend £25.99 and still have enough left for a top and shoes to wear with it, and maybe some lunch while we were out.

The Zara skirt is currently sold out on the website, but can be found on eBay (where you can probably expect to pay more than £25.99), or in-store, if you’re lucky. If you just can’t find it anywhere, though, well, you could always cough up £500 for the designer version, here.

Would you wear this? Which one do you prefer?

Celebrity Fashion, Fashion News

What Kate Bought: Kate Middleton shops at Topshop

Kate Middleton shops at Topshop

This week, certain sectors of the UK media were absolutely astonished by the news that Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, has been spotted doing a bit of shopping at her local Topshop, in Kensington.

Honestly, we’re mostly just amazed by the amazement. If she’s anything like any other British girl – and, small matter of being married to a Prince aside, the evidence so far would seem to suggest that she IS – Kate probably grew up shopping at Topshop, just like the rest of us did. Why would she stop now, just because she’s suddenly filthy rich. If YOU were rich, would you walk past Topshop on your way home, without so much as a glance? We wouldn’t. Sure, it would be great to be able to hit up the designer boutiques any time you wanted, but clothes are clothes, and we’re pleased to see that Kate apparently isn’t a clothes snob, because that’s the first stop on the fasttrack to Fashion Victim Central, as we all know.

Anyway, during her “spree” – if three items can be called that – the Duchess bought a teal pencil skirt (£38), and velvet trim boucle jacket (£65), and a pair of earrings. We have no idea how much the earrings cost, but probably around £10? Who knows.

Only the jacket was still available on the Topshop website at the time of writing, and we’d imagine that will sell out soon, the fashion world being what it is. (What it is = lots of women all desperate to wear exactly the same thing as each other, and as the Duchess of Cambridge.) You may still be able to find the items in question in-store, though, should you want to. Do you?

Crimes of Fashion, Dresses

The Skin dress by Maison Martin Margiela

Remember The Creepiest Shirt in the World? The one with the attached leather gloves which looked horribly like dead human skin? THAT shirt?

The one good thing about that was the fact that, having seen it, we knew nothing could ever be as bad. We had seen the worst the fashion world had to offer, we had faced it, arrested it, and moved on. From then on, things would be better, we just knew it!

We were wrong:

Maison Martin Margiela dress with leather glovesTHIS is as bad as it gets, folks. This is the pinnacle of Creepy Clothing. It’s also £1,240, and if you really want it, you’ll have to hurry, because it’s only available in two sizes. We’re sure they’ll sell like cupcakes to fashion bloggers.

It will come as no surprise to you to find that this is also by Maison Martin Margiela: click here to buy it.



Celebrity Fashion

Rear Window: Charlotte Kemp at the premiere of 50/50

Charlotte Kemp in a see through dress

So, here’s Charlotte Kemp at the premiere of 50/50 this week. Her dress isn’t terrible. OK, yes, it does kind of look like one wrong move and she’d be standing there naked. There is that.It’s just kind of hanging on her breasts in such a way that we can only pray that a LOT of tit tape was employed before she stepped outside in a strong breeze.

As it happens, though, the front of the dress is actually the least of Charlotte’s worries. Look:

Continue Reading

Crimes of Fashion, Trousers/Pants

“Glam” sweatpants make a return for Autumn 2011

Well, it looks like the fashion world is trying to make “glam” sweatpants happen again. We’d like to submit the following into evidence:

Metallic sweatpants by Vionnet

These are metallic sweatpants. They are £515. According to Net-a-Porter, their casual feel should be “offset with your highest heels”. Like this:

Sweatpants with heelsHonestly, we don’t hate this. We’d rather eat feet than pay £500 for SWEATPANTS, but we can sort of see this working, if you were one of those effortlessly glamorous women: you know, the ones who actually DO roll out of bed looking beautiful, and continue to look like that, no matter what they throw on. Those women exist. They intimidate us, if we’re honest. They can wear the sweatpants with heels. The rest of us? Well, look at it this way: even if you think the example above isn’t TOO bad, let’s just take a quick look at where your flirtation with the idea that “sweatpants can totally be stylish!” could lead you:

Drop crotch sweatpantsIt could lead you HERE, to the idea that these Joseph pants are worth wearing. And we think it goes without saying that high waist + low crotch is NEVER going to end well. In fact, it’s going to end with you looking deformed, like a cartoon character. Your highest heels won’t save this look. And once you’ve come this far, you’re only a small step away from being out in public dressed like THIS:

Drop crotch sweatpants worn with high heeled peep toe bootsAmi Dans La Rue has a lot to answer for. (Note that the Peep Toe Boot Rule is in full effect here. Not that it’s actually needed in this case.)

Our point: beware of following questionable fashion trends, folks. Be especially aware of allowing yourself to fall into the trap of thinking that sweatpants can be glam, and that all you’ll need is a pair of high heels to turn some saggy sweatpants into the very height of fashion. You don’t. Sweatpants are for the gym, or for those days when you can’t be bothered getting off your couch. Sweatpants are fine for those things. They are not for “fashion”. Not even with heels. Heed this warning well, or be prepared to look like one of the bottom two examples above…

Crimes of Fashion, Fashion Police, Shoes

Frankenshoes: Flatforms have gone too far now

Ugly black "flatform" shoes

Seriously. SERIOUSLY, people.

Not even Jeffrey Campbell, Enemy of Feet, would think these were a good idea. NOT EVEN JEFFREY. And when Jeffrey Campbell would look at a shoe and think, “You know, I think these may be a little too ugly…” you know you’re in trouble.

These look like boats:

Ugly flatform shoesSinister, terrifying boats. Like, if fashion was a horror movie, the bad guys would sail around inside giant versions of these shoes, wouldn’t they? And we’ll tell you what: THEY PROBABLY DO. This is what we’re up against, people. This is what the evil masterminds at the head of the Fashion Crime Ring are capable of. Are you scared? Because you should be.

Also: if they look this bad in the product shot, just imagine what they look like on feet! Oh, right: we don’t have to imagine it:

Ugly flatform shoesYikes.

Flatforms: they just don’t need to exist, do they? (If you disagree, click here to buy them.)


Have you voted yet?


Daylight Robbery? Knitted gilet by SUNO

Hand knitted multicoloured top

So, this exists. And honestly, we didn’t even know what it WAS at first (that’s always a bad sign), we just knew it looked like something Coco the Clown might have worn as a nipper. That’s not a good sign either, now we come to think of it.

What we mostly want to talk about here, however, is the price. See, this is £835, which is about $1,295. In its defence:

1. It’s hand-knitted

2. It’s alpaca wool.

Even so, unless it was actually hand-knitted BY alpacas, we still can’t imagine spending that much on… this. Seriously, just imagine handing over over $1000 and walking away with this! To think of all of the awesome shoes you could get for that price! Even assuming it took YEARS of hard work to create, we’d still kinda hate ourselves for spending that much money and only having a multicolured gilet to show for it.

What do you think? Daylight Robbery, or actually quite reasonable for  hand-knitted item?

(This is by SUNO, by the way, and you can click here if you want to buy it…)

Crimes of Fashion, Trousers/Pants

Explain these shorts

high waisted wool shorts by ellery

A Monday morning challenge for you, readers: imaginary donuts for the first person to give us a plausible explanation for the existence of these shorts. Under what awful set of circumstances would you need a pair of high-waited, bodycon knitted shorts, we wonder? Surely not to wear like this, with ankle boots or peep toes (Peep Toe Boot Rule! Although the shoes on the left aren’t really “boots”, are they? They’re just… well, ugly, basically.)

Even assuming that you DO suddenly find yourself thinking “Gosh, I wish I had a pair of knitted shorts around about now,” why would you be paying $625 for them? (Knitters! You need to get on this! Seriously, you can make a killing here, if we can just find enough people willing to buy these…)

Do you accept the challenge? Go on, then, tell us why we need a pair of $600 knitted shorts in our lives!

(The shorts are by Ellery, by the way: click here to buy a pair, but tell us when and how you’re going to be wearing them first, we beg you.)

Fashion Police

Vote for The Fashion Police!

Before we leave you to enjoy your weekend, we just wanted to shamelessly beg for your votes in the Cosmo Blog Awards once more. Yes, we know. Think of it this way, though: a vote for The Fashion Police is like a vote for … kittens. Yes, kittens. So, why haven’t you voted for us yet, you filthy kitten-hater, you ?

Fashion Police Cosmo Blog AwardsSeriously, THINK OF THE KITTENS.


Style On Trial

Style on Trial: Longsleeve playsuits

Long sleeve playsuits from Miss Selfridge

(Playsuits, Miss Selfridge)

We don’t know about you, but we’ve always thought of playsuits as “summer” clothing. (We’ve also always thought of them as “toddler” clothing, but that’s another post altogether.) You know, you could probably get away with wearing one to the beach, but … that’s it.

The new breed of playsuits, however, are destined for cooler climates, and with their long sleeves and thicker fabrics, are intended to be work with tights for a more wintry look.

Are you buying any of this? No, seriously, will you be buying a playsuit this winter? Any time we’ve mentioned them in the past here they’ve tended to be met with shrieks of horror, but we don’t entirely hate these (even although they do fall into the Stuck Together Clothes category), so we wondered what you all think of them. Still a fashion crime, even with the slightly more grown-up look, or are you willing to give them a pass?

Crimes of Fashion, Trousers/Pants

From the “It Could Be Curtains” Files: SUNO Flowy Wide Leg Pants

Floral wide leg pants

What is it with floral print, seriously? Why is it so hard for designers to use it without it looking like they pulled down an old pair of curtains, Scarlett O’Hara style, and got busy with the scissors?

While we’re on the subject: what is it with wide leg pants? Is there some rule we’re not aware of stating that they MUST be made in the brightest, or most hideous print possible? Look, we’ve said nothing about the Curse of the Wide Leg Red Pants that has been sweeping the internet lately. We know most people seem to love them, even although their wearers have all blatantly been Foot-Snatched, and some look like they’re wearing stilts, too. (OK, we’re going to say it: CLOWN PANTS. They’re CLOWN PANTS. Why are people wearing CLOWN PANTS?) (Note: We know that some people wear those pants and look just marvellous in them. If you’re reading this, then you are one of those people for sure.) We just can’t hold our tongues with these SUNO trousers, though. Because we could re-upholster our couch with them, send it back in time to 1952, and we STILL wouldn’t feel like we’d done enough to rid the world of these.

So, basically, what we’re trying to say here is that we don’t like them. Do you?

They’re $702, by the way. We could BUY a couch for that. Click here if you want to buy these instead.

Fashion Police

Fantasy Shopping: Net-a-Porter

Do you ever do that thing where you look at a shopping website and fill up your shopping cart with all of the things you’d buy if you were rich, allowing yourself just a few short minutes where you allow yourself to pretend that you have the kind of lifestyle in which you’d:

a) Be able to afford them all

b) Have a reason to wear them

We do. We’re possibly alone in this, but just in case we’re not here’s what we fantasy bought from the New In section at Net-a-Porter this week:

Belted cotton and silk-blend trench coatDonna Karan Belted cotton and silk-blend trench coat, £2,065
Everyone needs a camel coat, don’t they?

Continue Reading

Shoes, Style On Trial

Impostor Alert! Ugg boots with attached socks

Ugg Boots with attached socks

Straw poll, jurors: these Ugg Boots are pretending to be socks (which, according to the Fashion Police Rule Book, makes them Footwear Impostors.). Does this make them better or worse than the regular old Ugg boots: you know, the ones we all love to hate?

We think it makes them look worse. At least regular Uggs book like boots, albeit ugly ones. Wear the thigh-highs on the left of the image above, though, and you’ll look like you’re wandering around in nothing but a pair of thick socks. That’s not good.

What do you think: are they guilty or innocent of committing crimes of fashion?

(Click here to buy them at Saks if you think they’re innocent.)

Celebrity Fashion, Shoes

Style on Trial: Toe cleavage

Shoe showing toe cleavage

Last week we asked you about cleavage, and how much is too much. Today, we want to ask you about a different kind of cleavage: TOE CLEAVAGE. (Which, just in case any of you are unfamiliar with the term, is the kind of look shown above, where the vamp of the shoe is cut very low, exposing most of the toes.)

Like boob cleavage, toe cleavage tends to be rather controversial, although in a purely stylistic sense. It’s one of those things people seem to either love or hate, with very little middle ground. Where do you stand on this one? In low-cut shoes, or with your tootsies all covered up?

(The foot in the image, by the way, belongs to Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, and is clad in a Christian Louboutin pump. We’ve included some more photos of Rosie in the gallery below, purely because we thought she was looking particularly lovely in this outfit, even although her shoes are about two sizes too big for her:

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley  in too large shoesSeriously, how do celebrities walk like this? We know they borrow the shoes, and they have to take whatever size they’re given, yadda, yadda, but wouldn’t you rather wear your own, cheap shoes that fit, than a pair of OMGDESIGNER ones that fall off your feet with every step? We would.)