Crimes of Fashion, Dresses

Holey Clothes! Cheap Monday By Ann Sofie Back Cut Out Sweat Dress

"I went to Cheap Monday and all I got was this lousy dress!"

The word “dress” is kinda pushing it when it comes to this item, isn’t it? And, actually, so is the word “clothes”, now we come to think of it, because this looks less like a covering for the body and more like a giant net that Cheap Monday have cunningly talked this model into wearing, in order to try to persuade us all that we want t spend £45 on it. She doesn’t look happy, does she? We don’t blame her, either: she was lucky she was able to work out which holes were for her head and arms! Some people would be less lucky: they’d end up stuck there for hours, frantically trying to disentangle themseves from the cunning web Cheap Monday have woven. Maybe that was the plan all along?

Like the “dress”? Buy it at

Celebrity Fashion

The mullet skirt is the best part: Christina Aguilera at the MTV Movie Awards

Singer Christina Aguilera arrives at the 2010 MTV Movie Awards in Los Angeles June 6, 2010.   UPI/Jim Ruymen Photo via Newscom
There was a lot of bad fashion on the red carpet at the MTV movie awards. A lot. So it’s really something of an honor that we choose to distinguish Christina Aguilera for her sartorial selection for the evening. The asymmetric mullet skirt which might be the focus of another dress is really the least offensive part of this ensemble. Throw it together with chunky chain detail belt and straps, and a criss-cross bandeau top which does not seem the most flattering to a larger chest and … well, this is what you get. Is it fashion forward and edgy for the rocker vibe of the show, or it is just over the edge?
Celebrity Fashion, Fashion Trends, Style On Trial

Celeb Style On Trial: Kirsten Dunst tries out Louis Vuitton’s mid-calf hemline

Photo by: MC/AAD/ 2010 5/25/10 Kirsten Dunst at the opening of a new Louis
Mid-calf hemlines were all over the Louis Vuitton Fall 2010 runway, so it’s no surprise that celebs embraced the look at the launch of the Louis Vuitton Bond Street Maison in London. Kirsten Dunst got the most glittering look of the bunch – which also included Alexa Chung and Gemma Arterton (who can be seen over on Fabsugar). Dunst let the blue sequin dress sparkle with simple black pumps. The look is classic and chic, but is it wearable in the real world? The hem length can be awkward, especially when hems aren’t always tailored to your perfect flattering length by one of the most celebrated fashion houses in the world. Do you think this look can be done well off the rack?
Crimes of Fashion, Lingerie

River Island mesh and lace strappy body

Yes.  Quite.

We were speechless too when we saw this on the River Island website.  This appears to be a black lace lingerie set, held together with a section of black mesh.  Whilst we have just about got our heads around the return of the bodysuit for this season, we cannot understand why such a garment as this should exist at all.

It is listed on the website as a going out top but we would really rather it was in the underwear section, if it has to appear on there at all.  We can’t help but wonder just who would wear this when Lady Gaga will wear this, and in what situation?  We will attempt to get to the bottom of that mystery but in the meantime, if you want to channel Gaga, you can buy it here for £19.99.


When bags go bad: Judith Leiber dachshund fine crystal-embellished clutch

We all remember that iconic moment in Sex and the City, when Big hands Carrie an exciting looking gift bag which she opens to find… the ugly swan purse. The world’s reaction to the ugly swan purse must have given designers the world over a hint as to just how unpopular these crystal encrusted clutches are.

Or so you’d think.

In fairness to Judith Leiber, Carrie did redeem her designs somewhat, giving Leiber’s jewel encrusted cupcake a starring role in the film. So perhaps we should cut her a little slack when placing this particularly delightful offering in the docks…

Still, the fact remains that this is a crystal-encrusted purse, in the shape of a dachshund. It gives the phrase “doggy bag” a whole new definition!

If you’re a crystal canine lover and want to advertise the fact through your accessories, you can buy the Judith Leiber dachshund fine crystal encrusted purse from Net-a-Porter for £4,295.


A Frill Too Far? Karen Millen’s Extravagant Frill Shoes

Karen Millen really weren’t joking when they described the frills on these white court shoes as “extravagant”, were they? They could, however, also have called them “Mohawk Shoes” or “Angry Chicken Shoes”, and they’d have had no argument from us there either, because those two things are exactly what we think of every time we look at them.

What do you think of when you look at these shoes, though? Do you see gorgeous, dramatic footwear that you’d happily spend £120 on? If so, you’re in luck, because that’s how much they cost. Would you wear them?

Crimes of Fashion, Trousers/Pants

Drop crotch shorts: they’re alive!

You know, there’s really not a lot we can say about drop crotch pants that hasn’t already been said about eleventy-one kazillion times. Except…

Does anyone else see the face on this mannequin’s butt? As in, a BUTT FACE? Is it looking at us? Seriously, we could not be more freaked out right now if these shorts jumped through our monitor and BIT us. Which they very well may do, given that they have a face.

Conclusion: the drop-crotch pants are ALIVE. And they’re probably pissed at us for all those times we’ve locked up their drop-crotch brothers.

Be afraid, readers, be very afraid. And if you’re not afraid? Go to Topshop. Buy them for £32. Walk around with an ass like a face, which is at least better than walking around with a face like an ass, isn’t it?

Wondering what they look like from the front?

Continue Reading

Style On Trial, Trousers/Pants

Frills on pants: Marc Jacobs makes it happen!

Pants are cute. (Well, most of ’em are, anyway). Frills are cute. Hey! Wouldn’t FRILLY PANTS just be THE CUTEST?

Well? Would they, readers? Or would they, perhaps, look a lot like business attire for aliens? It’s your call, and we trust you to make the right decision. If your decision is, “Hell yes, bring those frilly pants ON!” these ones are a whopping $1,038 from Colette.

What do you think of them?

Crimes of Fashion

Kimberlily ‘Backtacular’ ass shield for low-rise jeans

Sorry for lowering the tone around here today, folks, but you see, we’re actually trying to raise the tone, by showing you Kimberlily’s ‘Backtacular’ butt-crack shield – sorry ” gluteal cleft patch”.

What you’re looking at here is a sticky patch designed to adhere to your rear, thus preventing your low-rise pants from getting you in trouble with The Fashion Police – or even with the real police, if you live in a State that takes a dim view of low-slung butts. So, basically it’s a product designed to prevent crimes of fashion, but is it a crime of fashion in itself, or is it simply the lesser of two evils?

We’ll leave it up to you to decide that one. If you’d like more information, or to purchase a Backtacular of your very own, visit the Kimberlily website here. Or, you know, just try to buy pants that fit properly in future: problem solved!

Crimes of Fashion

Trend Alert: leopard print trousers

The Fashion Police’s eagle-eyed officers have been fighting a crime wave of late, in the form of animal print trousers. Quite aside from our uncertainty over the credentials of animal print as a sartorial choice, the trend seems to be to ensure that this print adorns the least flattering trousers that people will buy. And since so many buy into the diaper look, that’s a significantly tall order!

The Dolce & Gabbana leo print jeans, for example, are in fact a cotton denim, but look so alike in style and texture to the popular moleskin designs of the 90s, you could be forgiven for expecting them to be soft to the touch. And if you really want value for your €455,00 check out the crotch area: the pattern cleverly creates something between a camel toe and codpiece effect, if such a thing is possible!

If you’re on a tighter budget and a fan of the afore-mentioned diaper look, hit the high street, where Dorothy Perkins have come up trumps with their Animal harem jersey pants for £25. As inoffensive as harem pants can be from the front, it’s the rear of these that really gives them that “saggy chic” edge…

So, what are your feelings about animal print bottoms? The Fashion Police strive to treat all animal print items on a case-by-case basis… but we’re fighting the little voice in our heads that consistently tells us to Just Say No.


UGG make wedges: Fashion Police don’t hate them

If you were to guess the brand of the wedges above, you would never guess UGG, would you?  We could look at them all day and it would not occur to us that UGG had made them.  We think it is the lack of an ugly shape and sheepskin that is throwing us off the scent.

This is the UGG Hazel wedge and we actually like these – the gorgeous colour of the suede which you know will be butter soft, and nothing screams ‘summer’ like a cork wedge sole.  Topshop call these green but they look more turquoise to us.  With such simple design and eye catching summery colour, UGG may just have a hit on their hands.  They are already sold out in a couple of sizes.

What do you think though?  Do you love them or hate them?

The wedges are £120 and are available from Topshop.

Fashion Police

Pointless Clothing: Costume Dept. sheer mesh cycling shorts

We love the look on the model’s face in the picture above.  She’s clearly thinking “Sheer mesh? Seriously? With a t shirt?”.  How do we know?  Because that’s exactly what we thought when we saw these shorts on the ASOS website.  What we are not sure is exactly what Costume Dept. were thinking when they designed these.  We don’t understand how they are supposed to be worn.  Surely not with a top as short as the one ASOS have put them with here – think of the indecency laws!  But a longer dress would cover them up so really, what is the point of them?

We fear these are also verging on Daylight Robbery – ASOS seem to think that you will pay £48 for them.  Would you though?  If you would and you are a size 12 or under (as that’s the largest size they are available in) you can buy them here.

Dresses, Style On Trial

Style on Trial: Ashish Sequined Football Shirt Dress

Can the different worlds of football and fashion ever really meet? Have you ever found yourself wishing there was a way to combine the casual comfort of your boyfriend’s oldest football shirt with the sparkly sequins of a cocktail dress? Is this Ashish dress REALLY a “future collectable”, as Browns Fashion call it? If so, is it worth £750 / $1,154?

These questions all need to be answered readers, and they need to be answered by you. So, what do you say?

Style On Trial

Rick Owens tulle insert jersey dress: for days when the wasp-waist look just isn’t extreme enough

The Fashion Police will confess to being more than a little perplexed by this particular case. Because the photo above is actually a bit misleading. This dress is not, as it appears, corseted to within an inch of  your spine its life, but held together with sheer panels to either side. Kind of flattering if you happen to be the exact same colour as your backdrop – not so much if you have even the slightest hint of a stomach roll when you sit down. Between the jersey and the sheer they’ve made darned sure there’s nowhere to hide…

And at the same time there’s something about the dress – it might be the cut combined with the length, we’re not sure – that’s a bit… mumsy? It just doesn’t seem to sit right.

What do you think? Could this be worn in a way that was actually quite flattering? Or would you too be just a little self-conscious in so revealing a cut?

Rick Owens tulle insert jersey dress, £258 from The Outnet.

Crimes of Fashion, Trousers/Pants

Yves Saint Laurent’s Bermuda shorts come with knee slits and huge price tag

It must be hard being a fashion designer sometimes. Seriously: you come up with something like a pair of Bermuda shorts. They’re cute. They’re functional. They’re pretty classic. They’re exactly the kind of thing women might want to wear at this time of year. You maybe even add a row of little bows, just to set them apart from all the rest. But something isn’t right. “No,” you think. “It’s just not EDGY enough. It’s not fashion forward. If I try to sell these as they are, people will laugh. They’ll think I’ve lost my spark. They’ll say I’m no longer relevant, and that will be like a knife to my heart! What to do?”

Then it hits you: there’s really no problem here, because thanks to the current trend for clothes with unexpected “windows” or tears in them, any item can be rendered instantly “edgy”, simply by cutting a couple of slits in it somewhere. The knees, say. No one else has done knees yet, have they.

So you do it. You cut two holes in the knees, and this is what allows you to charge $1.051 for your “creation”. You are a genius. The fashion world bows before you. Until next season, anyway…

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